Funeral of en Dad

[Orangeblossom77]

My elderly enDad died recently after a short illness, he was in his 80s. My updMum and he had been divorced for many years, but had stayed in touch, with her mainly shaming him and slagging him off.

Anyway I have been NC with her for a few years now. I was debating on whether to go to the funeral or not as knew she would be there and might make a scene.

First I got a sympathy card from an aunt, going on about how it was 'double the sadness' because updMum's sister also died recently.

Then a card from updMum telling me it was time to 'come together as a family' which I felt was a bit ironic given how she had treated him over the years, and also blaming me for the divorce.

Finally, I told my old friend about what mum had said and was told 'well, I think she's right'. Friend is a therapist and thought she might have been more understanding.

Anyway, went to the funeral, uPD Mum was crying and reaching out to hug me, which was difficult, there was a religious reading from updMum to sit through and some other stuff and the friend came too, making sad faces at me and sitting with mum..

Anyway it took me about a week to recover and only now having a think over it all.

I've been struggling with more guilt since it particularly from my friends comments, but she doesn't have my family does she. As well as grieving for my dad, who put up with a lot from my mum, and also was quite a complex character himself.

[Rebel13]

Hi Orangeblossom,

I'm so sorry for the loss of your father. These family events are never easy when there is a history and/or patterns of dysfunction. People who thrive on attention and love a platform are happy to step up and create varying degrees of nightmares for the rest of us.

I hope you are taking care of yourself and have people to support you as you process this difficult ending. The wonderful folks here are always glad to read your thoughts and experiences and share their own.

[bloomie]

Orangeblossom77 - I am so sorry for the loss of your father! It seems like it has been seriously hard with your mother for a very long time. The funeral scene you describe sounds exhausting and an impossible place to be able to mourn and find some level of comfort. How very challenging!

I am glad you have found this community of fellow travelers where you will be supported and encouraged. I couldn't agree with Rebel13 more that this is a time to be gentle with yourself and move through the emotional processing at your own pace.

Keep coming back and sharing as you are able. I have found it helps to lighten a heavy load!

[TimetoHeal]

Welcome, Orange Blossom.

I am so sorry for the loss of your father.  I'm also sorry that your friend was not able to support you and understand where you are coming from. 

I'm glad you got some space to recover from the stressful event of the funeral.  It's okay to have really mixed emotions right now.  In fact, in means you're human and normal.

Glad you found us here.