I’m Out

[Deby64]

Well I'm out of the house. It was a hard,emotional few days. The move items I removed the more unsettling he became. For my own safety I did not return for the items that remain. Of course now that his rage is over, he's calling telling me how he's packing up the rest of my items and how he still loves me and hopes I will see how much he did for me. He suggested that I fire the current lawn man and pay him to maintain my new lawn. After all he's still my friend ( these are his words). Twice he's reminded me that I was still his wife. I know this is a controlling, manipulative thing to say, but my heart beats faster each time he says that. Not knowing if or what he will do. I'm focusing really hard on keeping the boundaries between us clear, but as always he doesn't care. It's about him and what he wants. I did have to go back to our house today. I left a check there. I told him I need a few dishes and my watch charger. He asked me to bring him a soda and he'd pay me when I got there. He did pay me and asked for another hug. Saying, w still love you. This maybe for the best. Looking back, my fear caused me to get him the soda, it was just him testing me to see if I'd still "serve" him. I did sit alone in my new place and shed a few tears. The grief is real and refuse to stay stuck in the tears. I reread my journal entries often to make sure I don't forget why I'm gone. Let the healing begin please. 🙏🏽

[Poison Ivy]

Well done!

[MaxedOut]

Deby64 - give yourself all the pats on the back! Great job navigating things, staying focused on what you *need*, recognizing the behaviors, and getting yourself somewhere safe.

There will be a thousand little literal things that can be used as hooks (items, errands, help). Good work identifying some of the dynamics. I basically decided I did not feel safe (emotionally at the very least) seeing my ex face to face, especially just us alone at home. I did some move out stuff while she had a family member visiting who could be the point person. I still helped with some stuff and we had some items needing exchange but used a container on the porch for that or similar.

[Deby64]

The confusing part for me MaxedOut is his constantly saying he wants to be my friend and help me with things. Every time I'm around him he jabs at my self worth. For today I am safe, that's all that matters for now🙏🏽

[Deby64]

Poison Ivy, thanks for your consistent support and encouragement.

[MaxedOut]

That's a tough contrast Deby. I think PD folks just wheel through emotions AND it might be that the nice/friends talk is to keep you  in contact, doing things for/with, dependency. It sounds like the nice guy stuff may help get you in his presence/engaging 1:1 then less need to be the nice guy and that mask slips some because he has you there and can take jabs, take out his frustration?

Might be something on reflect on, write down after to identify things - Son of Thunder frames this as playing back the game tapes, if I recall correctly. E.g., When he's being nice or saying he wants to be friends, what does the context tell you? Does he sound lonely, wistful, oddly like denial? Is it followed by or paired with a request/offer to be in the same space or some other ask? How does it make you feel and act and does he seem aware of that (positive or negative reactions can be rewards). With separation, it can mean more texting/emails which can help see and test this sort of stuff (I remember working through a process and writing it while texting through an episode with my partner with techniques in the book Emotional Blackmail and it was... illuminating...).

[escapingman]

Well done, congratulations!

[SeaBreeze]

Thanks for the update! Glad you made it out. This can be an emotional time. Please hang in there, and keep us posted.

[blunk]

So proud of you, Deby. And you should be proud of yourself!

If you do have to go back to the house, or have any in person contact with him, I would advise bringing someone else along. You may even be able to hire an off-duty officer if you have any fear of his actions. This was the case with my xh, but after he was told that there would be an escort he suddenly didn't need to come to the house after all.

I also heard...I want to still be friends. But the reality was, he didn't treat me as well as a friend would when we were married, was I somehow to believe he would treat me better in separation and divorce?

Take some time for yourself. Do whatever helps you to relax and clear your head. Once you have had some time to decompress you can again reach out to a lawyer. Once you find one you like, I think it would be helpful to have all communication go through the lawyer. I cannot tell you how much weight was lifted when I didn't have to worry about texts or phone calls from him. I stopped jumping out of my skin every time my phone went off.

I know that none of this is easy, but you can get trough it! All the best to you as you start the next leg of your journey.

[Rebel13]

Three cheers for Deby! You have done such a hard thing. Please give yourself lots of credit. When you are crying or feeling bad, or when you are experiencing that "jumping out of your skin" feeling, remember it's because you have been through a LOT and your body is still trying to process all that stress. Also, regarding bringing the soda, it's amazing that you have the insight to understand why you did it, and the presence to know how it felt to you. That's really important. The things MaxedOut and others are saying about making notes about your feelings, responses and experiences are super important, and over time you'll see the patterns and be able to change the ones you don't like.

You are doing so well, Deby. I hope you enjoy your very own, peaceful place. You've earned it.

[MaxedOut]

Blunk is spot on about the friend part - to add further on communications "I left the marriage because of abusive behaviors. Why would I want to continue receiving/allowing those behaviors in my life." Getting to very limited contact was a process for me, but each time my ex continued using the routes at hand to continue or escalate abuse, I remembered I don't have an obligation to continue taking it, they are not entitled to our engagement and tolerance of abuse.

[Deby64]

Thanks to all for your encouragement and support. These have been the longest 6 days of my life. I'm safe and attempting to settle into my new chapter of life. That upd-h continues to challenge and push my boundaries. I hate I'm so addicted to him that I can't just be a mean bit*ch. I continue to pray and treat him with kindness because he is sick,sick,sick and doesn't even know it.

[escapingman]

I would suggest you go no contact with him and let your divorce lawyer handle everything. Block him on your phone and setup a separate folder on your email where you direct all his emails too, then you can decide to open any emails when you feel strong enough for you and there will be no nasty surprises at the top of the inbox.

[Rebel13]

I hate I'm so addicted to him that I can't just be a mean bit*ch. I continue to pray and treat him with kindness because he is sick,sick,sick and doesn't even know it.

This actually speaks very well of you and your good heart. Hopefully over time you will be able to direct your loving kindness more and more towards people who are able to reciprocate it. You deserve love and kindness as well.

[MaxedOut]

You got this, Deby! I second escapingman's words. If you aren't there yet on very low/no contact breaking the reactivity (not answering calls and giving yourself time before responding to texts/emails, and not responding to one's that are just venting). Also good is drawing some clear lines is super helpful ("I won't discuss anything about the divorce settlement, please send questions my lawyers way" on repeat).

I also kept my phone on vibrate or silenced notifications from my ex and started using the sleep app for do not disturb periods of about 10 hours each night to morning. In part it was to stop jarring interruptions. In part it was so I could check in with myself before picking up my phone to see any notifications. In part it was to create safe spaces of time where I didn't have to worry about incoming stuff. If he is using your daughter or such, you can think about limits there (I don't want to know about that or i don't want reach outs when he does that, we can talk about it when we are together next).

You will likely need or want to cut off communications increasingly over time. But I get not being ready to until you are ready.