Realising everything

[miffyxo]

Hey all,

I haven't posted in a while, feel like I need to post a bit more instead of waiting until I'm totally crashing out but here goes lol.

My best friend passed away after a long illness a few months ago and since then I've just felt so hopeless and everything from my childhood has just come to the surface. I've been no contact with my parents for two years now and at first I felt so liberated, I was posting in the forum lots, watching the Crappy Childhood Fairy videos (which really helped) and I feel like I was really working on my trauma and becoming a better person. But now I'm remembering literally everything that I'd blocked out and realised the extent of how bad it is and I just feel so depressed.

Is it meant to get worse not better?

I feel like I was happier when I blocked everything out and was still in contact with all my abusers (including a very toxic friend I had to  cut out who I miss so much). I'm currently doing therapy and I feel like it's making me just feel worse and be not as nice a person as I was before through boundary training. I also just can't move past the feelings of despair following my friends passing.

Has anyone experienced this too, just being super depressed after realising how fudged up everything was that happened to them? And can anyone give me some tips on how I can come out the other end?

Thank you 

[TimetoHeal]

Hi, miffy.

First of all, I am so sorry about the loss of your friend.  That is extremely traumatic and painful.  I am guessing too, that your friends are probably more like your family than your family because of your situation, so that makes it even worse.  I think it's totally understandable that you feel like you've had a setback after a loss like that.

I can relate to feeling worse when you realize how bad things were and having flashbacks to the abuse.  I have a lot of trauma coming up right now as I have a uBPD mother who is declining with age and getting worse and worse, and is even currently hospitalized.  To say I'm stressed at the moment is an understatement.  I am no expert, but I think that's the way trauma works - getting worse when we are under stress.  Losing your friend definitely qualifies as extreme stress.  I am glad you are in therapy and getting support.  Do you have other friends and support in your life too?

[miffyxo]

Hi, miffy.

First of all, I am so sorry about the loss of your friend.  That is extremely traumatic and painful.  I am guessing too, that your friends are probably more like your family than your family because of your situation, so that makes it even worse.  I think it's totally understandable that you feel like you've had a setback after a loss like that.

I can relate to feeling worse when you realize how bad things were and having flashbacks to the abuse.  I have a lot of trauma coming up right now as I have a uBPD mother who is declining with age and getting worse and worse, and is even currently hospitalized.  To say I'm stressed at the moment is an understatement.  I am no expert, but I think that's the way trauma works - getting worse when we are under stress.  Losing your friend definitely qualifies as extreme stress.  I am glad you are in therapy and getting support.  Do you have other friends and support in your life too?

Thank you so much for your kind words, honestly I feel a bit lighter this morning just from posting I'm so sorry to hear about your situation, I can't imagine what a mixed bag of emotions that must feel It's something that I keep dreading facing myself one day because I would have no idea what to do, whether to get back in contact and who would look after her if I didn't - well done  on working through it. You're totally right, having all the stress must bring it all out in one big go, and I've always been lucky enough to have friends who are like family but I have experienced a lot of losses with this recently which has made a big gap in my life and made me feel very hopeless. I have a couple of very close friends but I definitely feel like I could have more friends, that's something my therapist said we can work on in our next session - how to bring more people into my life. I've had situations where I've had best friends just either completely walk out of my life, become toxic and I've had to cut off contact with them on top of the pain of losing one of my best friends through incredibly traumatic circumstances. Now I guess I need to rebuild but at a bit of a loss on how to do this and feeling very tired to go through the cycle of making friends again when I just fear losing them eventually too.

[walking on broken glass]

I am so sorry, miffy. I think for us who come from disordered families friends are even more valuable. I have always felt that my friends are my true family. The loss of your friend is a traumatic event, which will take some time to be processed. Allow yourself to grieve and take stock. It is very unpleasant but it's normal, unfortunately. It will get better.

I know what you mean that it felt easier when you blocked everything out and were still in contact with abusive family. I myself have thought of that many times. We were so used to being in that position, we had mastered the tools to navigate it, unhealthy as it was, that coming out the other end feels much more difficult to deal with. It requires standing up for ourselves, and putting boundaries, and being uncomfortable with putting boundaries, and feeling that all this is against our nature. But this is not our nature. It's our conditioning and, until recently, had been our lived experience. It takes time to unlearn it but it does get easier eventually, and you will be able to breathe more comfortably. Sending you hugs xx

[TimetoHeal]

I'm glad you feel a bit better by sharing here, miffy!  It always helps me too!  I completely relate to normally just having a few close friends.  That is how I am too, and I bet a lot of us here.  We have trust issues, understandably, and tend to keep just a few close bosom buddies.  I've also had a really close friend that I had to cut off after more than a decade of friendship because I realized she was a narcissist and she was taking money from my mother.     That was tough.  I still miss the fun we had together, but it was no longer worth it.  I am working now on trying to bring more people into my life even if they are not all super close friends.  I don't attend church any more for several reasons, so I recently joined a book club.  Maybe some sort of club or group based on your interests would help you get out and meet more people? 

I agree with WOBG that still being in the FOG in a way seemed so much easier because it was our "normal" for so long.  We didn't have to try at it, we were already "programmed" that way.  Unlearning and becoming healthy is NOT easy, especially when others around us are vested in us not changing.  I am currently reading "Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist" and there is a part in there where the author says something like once we know something, we can't unknow it.  Once we start wanting better for ourselves, we rarely start wanting less.  So, we move forward.  I encourage you to keep moving forward and try to not romanticize too much the time that you were still in the FOG. 

[GoodPesto]

Miffy, hi.
I am sorry you're in this tough spot. I remember the time when I wished I had never started therapy because it felt like the discovery of new abuse stories seemed to be a never ending and overwhelming endeavour. It's understandable that it seems easier sometimes to continue to endure the mistreatment instead of seeing the horror of it and feeling the aftermaths after having stepped away. And then, as if the past wasn't hard enough already, you have to work hard to get over it and rebuild a new life. This seems truly unfair.
When I thought about what helped me through this (it came in cycles for some time) to share it with you I remembered I reminded myself of two things: 1. Healing is rarely a linear happening or a straight path, so it's natural to feel worse sometimes or coming to a dark part again or one that leaves you clueless where to go from here. 2. Florence and the machine pointed to something important: "It's always darkest before the dawn".

[Adria]

Miffy,

I'm so sorry for the loss of your friend. I'm sure that makes everything feel more difficult.

I think it is a natural reaction when we finally get away from an abusive relationship.  When we are in the relationship, it's as if we don't have time to process what is actually happening as we are more in a survival mode.

It is only when we walk away that the trauma actually truly reveals itself in our minds.  It's like peeling away an onion peel one layer at a time. I think it's a protection mechanism that we have built in.  It will slowly surface in our minds as we can handle and process what happened.  This is part of the healing process.  It can be tough, but it is necessary to face everything and deal with it rather than stuffing and pretending nothing happened. 

It is a time to be very kind and patient with yourself. It can be a two step forward, one step back kind of a thing.  But please know, that in time, the healing becomes more prevalent than the trauma. Understand how strong you are for coming through it and having the courage to get away.  Some of the positives are that once we understand who they are, and who we are, we can move forward more empathetic and caring being less judgmental of others. We are the ones they try to crush because of the light we carry.  And, in the end, they are the losers as we grow healthier and stronger.

I wish you all the best. Hugs, Adria