Divorce finalized

[Ann]

Only took 6 days for judge to approve divorce. Stunned by how fast but we had our ducks in a row with agreements and only house is shared.
Now we're getting house ready to market.
I'm having a hard time with the house part. We worked so hard on every detail and it is truly a gem of a house. To walk away from it is very difficult.
I remind myself that others have it so much harder especially if kids or pets are a part of the conflict
It's just I know I'll never have a house like this. It is so special.
Stunning water views and wonderful neighbors.
Being on my own I'll have to downsize for sure. At least it will be peaceful.
Any words to help with letting go?

[bloomie]

Ann - the thing I have found to be helpful is to sit with the reality that this home has been important to you and to grieve the loss of the dreams you had that built it. That looked like sitting in the middle of an empty living room and remembering ALL that had happened there and then releasing the space for others to enjoy, find love and laughter in as I prayed over those that would come after me. Just an idea that helped me.

You are facing huge changes in a short amount of time. I would imagine all of the processing and grieving will take time. I'm so glad you shared!

[Ann]

Thank you so much Bloomie!
Yes, I was thinking today how I hope a family with  children buy it. I picture kids enjoying the lake.
My ex would complain if they heard kids making too much "noise".
Thanks for your advice and understanding:)

[escapingman]

Congratulations Ann!

Remember it's just a house, a house you probably have had many bad memories in (as well as good of course). I moved out 2 years ago and I have never looked back. I was around outside the old house a while ago and I felt nothing other than that is a house I used to live in. I had to down size as you will have, that's OK, the peace is worth it and you don't need as big house when you don't need extra rooms to hide in     

[Ann]

Thank you escapingman!
You are right, I know once I am away I'll feel better. And you are so right about extra rooms. I did do a lot of hiding myself away from the temper tantrums.

[MaxedOut]

Congratulations, Ann!!!

In my case I kept the house and I think there honestly is no easy path with pros and cons to both. No kids in my case either but splitting of pets including one guy who was a soul-pet to us both (choking up now missing him and feeling that grief).

We assign a lot of beliefs and certain filters and hope to homes. We work on them and that is often deeply about creating a reality  that that is almost like social media - not really what things are like. I have a local friend who also recently got out of a marriage that had controlling and abusive features (not PD or other mental health but similar enough). I think we both celebrate and have wistful "that must be nice" about the house result. She gets to be free of the ghosts of events past, make a clean start, and have much more solid financial footing. I get to stay in my home, continue the yard projects, re-make spaces more to my liking. But I have daily reminders, intrusions of not great memories, from knocking around in the same space (which is probably too big as EscapingMan points out).

I don't know what helps in the letting go of space. But what has been helpful in the letting go for me is keeping slips of paper to write down snippets of the good and bad. Some are just names she called me written in angry big sharpie letters. Some is stuff I'm angry or sad about. Some are nice memories or things I miss.

And at some point in the coming months these will get burned or otherwise ceremonied out of my life.

And talking to the house or parts of it acknowledging things may help "When I tested out five paint colors here, I thought this would be a place for... I hoped to feel ... I'm saying bye to you, house, and this perfect Nova Blue trim, because I matter more." This is a bit embarrassing, but I do this talking to (in my head usually but sometimes out loud) as part of healing me and coming to terms with abandoning myself in many ways. It could be something like "Oh another loose door hinge... pretty much all your door hinges are too damaged to ever work right again, aren't they? So much slamming. Handles and hinges and latches ruined, even doors with splintered wood. Well, we'll get things replaced or repaired the right way. And from now on this is a home where the house itself, the pets, and the people are treated with care and respect."

[Ann]

I love that maxedout!
Yes, I will say goodbye and know that I took care of myself over a house.
And don't get me started on door slams and floor stomping.
I appreciate the advice!
This too shall pass.

[Ann]

Who knew showing the house would be the hardest part. They are not cooperating ( not keeping communal area tidy, not agreeing to days and times etc) and griping  about everything. We both have to leave for each showing and they insist on taking the cat, so it's very involved. The nastiness and selfishness is just confirming why we divorced. I'm exhausted.


Praying for a sale soon!!!

[hhaw]

Ann:  This ex selfishness.....the refusal to cooperate in any way .... that's what will help make peace with letting house go, IME.

Once you're in your new, sacred space, you'll create rituals in peace.

Decompression, from your ex, will take time.  You'll move through levels and adjustments, IME.  It's ok. Even if it's not ok ... it's ok.

Prepare to rejoice in reclaiming who you were, before your ex.

Prepare to notice your hard won wisdom, choice to honor yourself and your instincts.

Do something to promote serenity daily, as can be managed.  I imagine a daily ritual, in splendid surroundings nature, will be a very sweet goodbye.

Embrace it.....breathe, be present and find joy every chance you get, IME.

Limiting contact with your ex is part of this equation....suffer more or suffer less.  The outcome remains the same, IME.

Might as well put on happy music and dance your way out. It sure beats, allowing your ex, to direct your internal world, kwim?  Take back control of your joy.  Choose joy as often as you can, in spite of your ex and bc you can.

[MaxedOut]

How are things going, Ann?

[Ann]

Hhaw I screenshotted your reply so I can read back to myself. Thank you xx

Maxedout, I'm doing ok.
Great news is we got a great offer on the house and after a stressful period they agreed to accept. Hoping to close in 30 days. I'll rent a place or even stay in a hotel for a while why I regroup. My nerves are shot.
They are really spiraling and saying they won't leave if they can't find a place. Broker is trying to help them but nothing is good enough. Yelling at me and threatening to sabotage the deal. Then switches to being cooperative. You all know the drill.
On a bright side I leave today for a weekend with my family. We have a reunion each year and it's ny favorite time. And now that I have opened up to all of them, it feels like a safe place to be. They have been amazing.
 
I am so grateful to all of you! It really helps to know other people understand.

[MaxedOut]

That is fantastic news and I am sure a great relief to have an offer accepted.

In case relevant as a opetion for you or your ex... When I left, I looked at VRBO/AirBnB listings allowing pets and amenable to medium/longer term stays. In cities there is typically a whole subset of "vacation rentals" that also get marketed to folks like travel nurses and others needing housing short of apartment lease terms.

They are often happy to host pets and to play the length by ear - I had cats and kept re-upping for a month or two until I knew when I would be back home.

They are furnished, which was great in my case but could be a drawback for you, but honestly the ease of showing stuff in a storage unit and having a complete place while I was reeling from change would have been preferable and I didn't actually know if I would be moving back, or needing an apartment for the foreseeable future at the time.

Enjoy the reunion and family vibes and support. I opened up to my parents (and some other family members) pretty quickly and they have been amazing. And they always were. One of the best parts about Life After is reconnection. Life with a PD meant favorite relatives were split on and relationships frozen, less time with my parents and navigating wierd anger issues and off base assumptions from me ex about them, and having time together strained by secrets, worry about how long if was gone or of my ex was doing ok if there.

It was all very complicated. And it is back to being all very natural, supportive, and authentic.

[More Sword Less Mask]

Ann,

Our divorce will be final in 12 days. My ex quit working after our first 1.5 years together. The next 20 years, I paid for every utility bill, insurance, mortgage payment, every bit of flooring, new roof, full remodel costing over $120k, refurnished the house with top quality appliances, furniture, etc.

I loved that house.

His bait was "Let's renovate the house. It is all yours anyway after I die. We will retire here. You will live out your older years here, so let's make sure we do top-notch renovations."

After the house was renovated, he started seeing a very wealthy (and needy) woman, and he no longer needed me. It was a hard discard. I fell in love with that house. I picked every paint color and appliance. I did a lot of the labor myself. Mirror-finish enamel-painted Bird's Egg blue tongue-and-groove ceiling in the sunroom. Ouch.

For 20+ years I imagined it to be my forever home.

It's heartbreaking.
I know where you're coming from.
It's grief.

Hugs,
Tamara

[MaxedOut]

Oof Tamara. I have the saltiness of also being the wage earner through nearly all of the marriage (and handling most of the expenses for the few years prior) then having to refi for an even split of equity plus my ex's down payment. But kept the house and did not have the awful harm of an affair-discard combo. I am sure besides heartbreak and grief there was a ton of anger to work through.

I've had to break up a lot of house tasks because I'll start getting activated and angry and something that was healing and for me starts to spur rumination and resentment due to whatever history or events unfolded related to the space. This week, new paint in a room I'll switch to as my home office started well and just unearthed so much anger about being bullied into smaller and smaller areas of the house, with more other stuff crammed in them (and anger over all the damage from physical stuff and carelessness that I had to fix to get to paint day).

But... and hopefully this is a benefit for you both, it's OK for me to feel and be angry now. To be my full self again, maybe even more authentically than before. I can sit with the emotions safely.

[Ann]

Oh Tamara, I am so sorry. Yes we are both going through it aren't we?
But our inner peace is worth it!
Hang in there and be proud of what you did accomplish. I'm trying to settle my nervous system down after all the drama. So I'm going to get something small and cozy. And have it just the way I like it.

Maxedout thanks for the helpful advice and understanding!

Ann

[1footouttadefog]

Better to live in a tent in peace or in a studio with someone who cherishes you. 

There are more homes waiting for you to add your creative efforts to, and you will be at peace in one of them. 

[MaxedOut]