Adult Son doesn't want to contribute

[Kia1212]

I need help navigating a difficult family situation. I am living on Social Security after losing my job in 2023, and I own my home. My two adult sons, ages 45 and 35, live with me. My younger son works and helps with bills, but my older son has refused to work since 2020 and contributes nothing.

The situation is incredibly stressful, and I feel stuck. When I try to talk to my older son, he shuts down or deflects, telling me to get a job instead. I have studied domestic abuse extensively, especially since the internet opened up more resources. But I still don't know how to motivate my older son or create a healthier home environment.

[Rebel13]

Hi Kia1212,

I'm so sorry. It sounds like a very frustrating situation you are in. The only thing I know from my experience is, no one can change another person's behavior. As a first step, you might take a look at the Toolbox section of the site, particularly the article on boundaries. This might help you think about what you are willing and not willing to do, given how your son has been acting. I think resolving this problem will be a journey. Are there community resources you could access to help you? Do you have trusted friends or family members, besides your younger son, who you could talk to and get help from? I think it won't be easy but there are lots of knowledgeable people here who will have other ideas for you.

Wishing you the best.

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Hey there, I'm so sorry you're struggling with this, it sounds very difficult.

Unfortunately, we can only control ourselves and not others. I'm sure you've already tried all the reasonable things to try to communicate with your son and motivate him. He has clearly decided that he is not interested in contributing to the household.

You've probably heard the term "boundaries" but a lot of people misunderstand the concept. They think it's a matter of announcing "this is a boundary of mine," and everyone is supposed to just rush to honor it.

Boundaries are actually for you to live. You can't make your son think or feel differently. But you can change what you agree to provide him.

You and your other son could, for example, change your wifi password and not provide it to your older son.

Food is difficult due to storage needs, but you could lock your room and store food there. Or in a locked basement perhaps. You don't need to provide another adult food if you don't want to.

And of course, you don't have to provide housing, either. You could start eviction proceedings. My understanding is that the process is quicker when it's the home you live in.

I'm guessing these ideas don't sound particularly appealing to you. If the reason for that is that you feel unsafe about this idea, that you anticipate some sort of violent response, I'd recommend contacting a DV organization to help you with a plan.

If you don't feel unsafe but feel guilt or obligation, that's something we might be able to help you untangle.

Another consideration is contacting a local mental health group. They might be able to suggest a group home situation for your son, or other resources. He would need some type of income such as disability. He may not consider himself mentally ill, but something is going on if he is satisfied with his current situation.

I hope you can find some way to change what sounds like a tough situation for everyone.