Dealing with the aftermath of a raging episode

[Kbear]

Hello community!

I have been hesitant to post, but I've been in such a FOG this week after my mom's episode this past weekend, and I just don't know who to turn to.  I know I need to find a therapist, but I guess I'm just looking for a listening ear or validation in the meantime.

My mom has had episodes my whole life - raging, screaming, throwing things at me, violent outbursts - and my siblings, my dad and I just learned to deal with the chaos, walking on egg shells, etc. Everything feels like it revolves around her, her wants, her moods and we're just supporting characters.  I feel so responsible for her and try to make her happy. My siblings and I live across the country and I make sure to visit home a few times a year. I listen to her monologues, her conspiracy theories, her drama. Any pushback or a feeling I don't agree with her on can cause her to snap and fly into a rage. I also have come to the realization recently that I only really feel supported by her when I'm going through a hard time and unhappy.

Anyway - I have worked really hard to have a peaceful and beautiful home with my husband - I want people to feel at ease and at peace when they walk into our home, and friends and extended family who have visited love staying here.  This Thanksgiving, I wanted to host my family.  The first time they have all been here since I moved across the country to a new state a few years ago. I was so excited to have everyone finally seeing my world and my life and being the best hostess! My husband and I worked really hard preparing, cooking, cleaning, etc.  It sounds kind of pathetic looking back. 

The weekend seemed to go well, but we were all feeling something brewing. My mom kept making critical comments to my husband, my dad, about herself, etc.  i.e. we'd take a picture and she would say about herself -ugh my f'ing face. Just bury me! then say NO COMMENT? when no none would respond.  She is always looking for reassurance, and even when you do give reassurance it's never enough.  It's EXHAUSTING, causing me to withdraw and her feeling more and more rejected. 

It all came to a head the night before they left and I asked her what they wanted to do their last night here. She blew up and flew into a rage. SCREAMING at me and my husband how she's not wanted here, how my husband hates her, called him horrible things and how she feels trapped in my house. I was so upset and started to say how much that hurts me which she didn't even hear me.  This rage ended in me holding her, calming her down, making her tea and putting her to bed.  The next morning, she kept making comments to me how it's their first and last visit, she won't be welcomed back and how happy I must be that I'm not coming home for Christmas, etc.

She sent me a text a couple days ago saying how heartbroken she is about her behavior and I'm such a loving daughter and she hopes I can forgive her... I responded with how hurtful it was and what happened that night can never happen again.  My husband is who I chose to be my life partner, and she needs to respect that to move forward.  She did not respond to this. 

I honestly don't even know why I'm posting this story.  The past few days have just felt different from her other rages I grew up with, and I think it's because this violent outburst happened in MY HOME. Even her apology never acknowledged that she hurt ME, but how heartbroken SHE is. I'm so angry and confused and honestly feel exhausted. This week I haven't been able to focus at work and have been sleeping a ton. I don't want to cut her off because I still feel so responsible for her and I truly do love her - she's my mom, but I feel so guilty and sad this weekend didn't go the way I envisioned.

I know I need to go to therapy again to untangle this emotional mess and try to be free of feeling like her emotional caretaker and punching bag, but thank you to those in this forum for listening to me.  I truly appreciate it.
   

[walking on broken glass]

I am so sorry. You have every right to be upset and hurt. Your mum behaved really badly when she was a guest in your house and didn't even apologise while she was still there but doubled down. Her 'apology' from the comfort of her own house was too little, too late. And, when you pointed out that she was disrespectful to your partner too, she didn't reply back to apologise for that. This is not an apology: it's making sure you won't cut off contact with her.

You don't need to make any big decisions but I think it's important to sit with the uncomfortable feelings you have just now, and not try to soothe them or dismiss them. You don't need to be cordial and pleasant with your mum, if you don't feel like it. You don't need to be in touch with her just now either. She will probably be back in touch soon pretending nothing ever happened but you don't have to follow her lead, if you don't want to. It's not your job to appease her and manage her feelings. It's a shame she never learned to do it herself but she is a grown up. You have no reason to feel guilty over the weekend: she was the one that ruined it.

[Liketheducks]

Kbear....Good for you for taking the time to come here.   What she did was unacceptable.   And her apology sounds like a non-apology.   

I think it is our default mode to wonder what we could have done differently or how we affected the event.   I believe that children are programed to do that from birth.   We are programmed to preserve any attachment with our parents to survive.   

It is ok to accept an apology, but apologies that don't feel genuine, likely aren't.  You didn't nothing wrong.   That is easy for me to say....but also hard for me to absorb.   Hang in there.   

[NarcKiddo]

This is very much the way my mother has always behaved, although any sort of apology is very rare and always fake.

I have not chosen to cut my family off but I grey rock all of them and keep visits short. I do my absolute utmost to stop them coming to my home and especially to avoid my mother coming here on her own. Having all of FOO has its own difficulties but it waters them all down.

Having her behave that way in your home is very upsetting and I am not at all surprised you feel bad about it. I would also not be surprised if you came to a decision not to have her back. You can do that without cutting contact.

Please try to remember that even though you love her, this does NOT mean you are responsible for her in any way. Not her emotional state, not her physical state. I know this will be hard when you have been conditioned to think this way.

[Rebel13]

I honestly don't even know why I'm posting this story... Even her apology never acknowledged that she hurt ME, but how heartbroken SHE is.
   

You know EXACTLY why you are posting this story! Because, maybe for the first time, you are seeing her behavior from your own perspective and putting your needs first.

You worked hard to make a wonderful visit for your family, and she wrecked it. If she's like my mom, she's been doing this kind of thing your whole life. This story sounds so much like my last visit with my mom, where I made a huge effort at a difficult time to travel a long way at, for me, a pretty high cost, to visit her for Mother's Day -- and she created drama out of nothing and wrecked the entire thing.

You get to have feelings. You get to say, in effect, this was not OK with me, and mean it, and believe it, and not back down. I have the sense that you have just taken the first step in a VERY long and difficult journey of prioritizing yourself and your chosen family instead of continuing to agree that everything should be about your mom and her feelings. I fully support you in finding a good therapist, if you can, and using any and all self-help resources that make sense to you. Let us know how things go for you, if you want to.