Entering the scapegoat role in adulthood rather than childhood

[Happypants]

I really struggle to find relevant information out there that doesn't specify experiences of childhood scapegoating.  There was dysfunction and family illness during my childhood so I suppose I could, at a push, score on the ACEs, but there was also warmth and a lot of hilarity.  There was stress (of the understandable variety given the circumstances) but it never felt like we were walking on eggshells or anything like that.  Looking back, there has always been misogynistic messages and, for me, a lot of shaming around weight.  I realise that contributed to social and general anxiety as I entered adolescence, but there were no truly ongoing defined roles until adulthood.  My brother became a parent and also became GC, and at the same time, I (non-parent which I think is relevant) became smeared, infantilised, triangulated and scapegoated after I moved out in my late twenties.  It always leads me to ruminate over whether I have done something wrong or am to blame (despite some crazy behaviours from them) seeing as it seems that almost every other scapegoat has terrible experiences from childhood.  The thing is, I do remember some questionable behaviour from them right through including my mother being very pushy and at times controlling.  I can see a lot of dysfunction, but I genuinely can't think back to any scapegoating behaviour during my childhood at all.  Can anyone relate to being cast as the scapegoat in adulthood?

[walking on broken glass]

I can partly relate to that: growing up, my BPD sister's tantrums and overt aggression against me were always brushed aside and justified. I was expected and taught to be the one that would yield, understand, be pleasant, cater to sister's needs. I wasn't exactly the scapegoat, more like conditioned to be the enabler. But when I started rebelling against the idea and wanting to change the narrative, then I was scapegoated. I became the 'cold' sister, who cares more about her friends and boyfriends than her family. They desperately tried to put me in the position of a child that needs to do as told, and when I refused, they lectured me and villainised me. This has always been part of my relationship with my parents and my sister since I was a teenager: the burden that I am a bad sister and, by extension, a bad daughter.

In many other ways though I wasn't scapegoated, in the sense that there wasn't a full character assassination. My dad especially was proud of my hard work and my achievements, my sociable personality and the fact that I had good friends that were looking out for me (while resenting my devotion to my friends, a paradox, I know!). Our relationship was difficult and very strained at times but there was warmth, affection and support too (mostly in practical rather than emotional terms). When I got together with my husband, they loved him and accepted him. Well, my dad did; my mum was never particularly expressive and followed my dad's lead for most things.

All of this changed abruptly when my dad died, and my mum morphed into my sister. I have now officially become the scapegoat: I have been accused of a number of horrible things, my mum is cold and hostile to me and my partner, and there has been mounting pressure from the extended family for not living up to their expectations of the 'good daughter' (I haven't been to see my mum who has been ill with cancer). It's devastating but I don't think that kind of behaviour comes out of the blue. There must have been elements in your childhood/early adulthood that led to a full-blown scapegoating.

[NarcKiddo]

I am not entirely surprised to hear this happened when you moved out. That moved the goalposts, drastically, for them. The whole family system was altered. At the same time your brother also altered the family system, becoming a parent. The whole cosy family set up where they were in control was shattered. So they probably felt the need to impose specific new roles at that time, because the old roles simply did not fit. And you likely had become extremely adept at playing your role in childhood so there was not a constant need for the parents to crack down and impose the family law. Thus a semblance of a happy and functioning family can quite easily continue.

[Tribe16]

I can see a lot of dysfunction, but I genuinely can't think back to any scapegoating behaviour during my childhood at all.  Can anyone relate to being cast as the scapegoat in adulthood?

Yes!

Although when I started therapy and exploring my childhood and why my mother is acting so strange now, the patterns were there, just not as ramped up as when I was late 50s (within the past 6-7 years).

I think I am the scapegoat now because I am the oldest, was always the responsible one and people-pleaser (I don't feel like I've become irresponsible, just not a doormat anymore), and Mother saw it as a betrayal or lack of loyalty somehow that I moved across the country. And has never forgiven me for that, and that in itself has morphed into me having a multitude of other faults that make her contemptuous of me. I think there is jealousy there too, which I never wanted to accept, but through therapy I've come to realize she is a believer in "If Mama ain't happy nobody is happy" and she is real ticked when others are enjoying life and she isn't. Very resentful and passive aggressive. But she doesn't enjoy life because she is very comfortable in the suffering/martyr/victim identity that she has chosen for herself. When I tried to offer help, I received nothing but criticism and contempt.

When things were better, what was different? She had more friends (they are dying off); My dad was healthier and did more around the house than she ever gave him credit for (he has since passed, and she's had to handle things like taxes, insurance, cars, paperwork type things he always took care of; She was more involved in her church and social things.

I believe Mom is of the generation that the matriarch gets to treat you like crap, because she took it, generations before her took it, and why aren't YOU taking it? You need to take it!

But I'm not willing to do that anymore. And mom still complains to others that she doesn't understand what I'm so upset about and "That Tribe was always the good kid! Woe is me!"

I am no-contact, but am open to a conversation with her when she is ready to reach out, but she won't because she never makes the first move. I always did. The fact that I don't anymore I'm sure baffles her.

My younger sister says, "everybody but you has had a turn as scapegoat, now it's yours." Yep. The thing is, it didn't have to be this way, but mom squandered our relationship. And she has too much pride to acknowledge her part in it. Don't they all feel that way?

 

Our relationship was difficult and very strained at times but there was warmth, affection and support too (mostly in practical rather than emotional terms).

Same. I will continue to cherish many happy memories of good times with my mom. They are just so far in the past now and no sign of ever returning.

The only real reason I can see for scapegoating, at least in my family, is mom has a black and white way of towing the line, and when you veer off from her controlled view of how things need to be, all hell breaks loose. I fell in line for a very long time and her behavior became so bad that I couldn't keep it up anymore. And when you refuse to rug sweep or move on without bringing it up, you become the enemy, or at least I have.

[GoodPesto]

Hi Happypants,

this is relatable for me as well. It wasn't until my mid to late twenties that I turned into the black sheep, just after I started to want to change some ways (e.g. ask for more distance).
With regards to something to read about that phenomena independent of childhood experiences I remember a well written text by the authors of "midmives of the soul" who had it posted on their fb-page in 2019. If you have access to this plattform and are interested I think this could still be findable. I don't remember any details but that I thought it nailed the description of the position on a deeper level. Search word would be black sheep, not scapegoat though.

[walking on broken glass]

I can see a lot of dysfunction, but I genuinely can't think back to any scapegoating behaviour during my childhood at all.  Can anyone relate to being cast as the scapegoat in adulthood?

Yes!

Although when I started therapy and exploring my childhood and why my mother is acting so strange now, the patterns were there, just not as ramped up as when I was late 50s (within the past 6-7 years).

I think I am the scapegoat now because I am the oldest, was always the responsible one and people-pleaser (I don't feel like I've become irresponsible, just not a doormat anymore), and Mother saw it as a betrayal or lack of loyalty somehow that I moved across the country. And has never forgiven me for that, and that in itself has morphed into me having a multitude of other faults that make her contemptuous of me. I think there is jealousy there too, which I never wanted to accept, but through therapy I've come to realize she is a believer in "If Mama ain't happy nobody is happy" and she is real ticked when others are enjoying life and she isn't. Very resentful and passive aggressive. But she doesn't enjoy life because she is very comfortable in the suffering/martyr/victim identity that she has chosen for herself. When I tried to offer help, I received nothing but criticism and contempt.

When things were better, what was different? She had more friends (they are dying off); My dad was healthier and did more around the house than she ever gave him credit for (he has since passed, and she's had to handle things like taxes, insurance, cars, paperwork type things he always took care of; She was more involved in her church and social things.

I believe Mom is of the generation that the matriarch gets to treat you like crap, because she took it, generations before her took it, and why aren't YOU taking it? You need to take it!

But I'm not willing to do that anymore. And mom still complains to others that she doesn't understand what I'm so upset about and "That Tribe was always the good kid! Woe is me!"

I am no-contact, but am open to a conversation with her when she is ready to reach out, but she won't because she never makes the first move. I always did. The fact that I don't anymore I'm sure baffles her.

My younger sister says, "everybody but you has had a turn as scapegoat, now it's yours." Yep. The thing is, it didn't have to be this way, but mom squandered our relationship. And she has too much pride to acknowledge her part in it. Don't they all feel that way?

 

Our relationship was difficult and very strained at times but there was warmth, affection and support too (mostly in practical rather than emotional terms).

Same. I will continue to cherish many happy memories of good times with my mom. They are just so far in the past now and no sign of ever returning.

The only real reason I can see for scapegoating, at least in my family, is mom has a black and white way of towing the line, and when you veer off from her controlled view of how things need to be, all hell breaks loose. I fell in line for a very long time and her behavior became so bad that I couldn't keep it up anymore. And when you refuse to rug sweep or move on without bringing it up, you become the enemy, or at least I have.

Your mum sounds a lot like mine! She is also the passive-aggressive, perpetual martyr type, who will never voice her grievances but will drop subtle hints and will expect you to guess and resolve them. My dad also took care of all the practical stuff and she is lost without him. Initially I offered to help, but after I was accused that I wanted to control her and steal her money and her personal information, I backed off. I call her once a week to check how she's doing. She's never brought up again the outrageous things she said and she pretends there is nothing wrong with our relationship, even though I haven't visited her, as I normally would do over the summer.

Perhaps the more independent we grow of them, the more they resent us. My sister has never really flown the nest, she has no friends and constantly FaceTimes my mum, every day for hours. As my mum likes to feel needed, she is more comfortable with this dynamic, and uncomfortable with my behaviour. And uncomfortable translates as dangerous in her head. From there, it's easy to slide into scapegoating behaviour.

[Tribe16]

She is also the passive-aggressive, perpetual martyr type, who will never voice her grievances but will drop subtle hints and will expect you to guess and resolve them

Hi WOBG,

Yes, that is one of the things Mom finds fault with me. She said and I quote, "If you truly love someone, you should just KNOW what they're thinking..." when I told her I can't read her mind. By her definition, she is incapable of loving me since she is clueless about me.

My sister has never really flown the nest, she has no friends and constantly FaceTimes my mum, every day for hours.

Consider it a blessing you are not like your sister, yikes.

[GoodPesto]

Perhaps the more independent we grow of them, the more they resent us.

Thinking this is relevant. How dare you to not need me anymore? seemed the words for the pain inflicted by asking for a little more space.

[TimetoHeal]

Hi, HappyPants,

If only our lives and family dysfunction fit neatly into little categories all the time!  Sometimes it can be quite confusing the more we educate ourselves about family systems.  I don't think most families fit the descriptions we read to a "T".

I have often observed and shared here that my brother and I have changed roles between GC and SC almost constantly in childhood and adulthood depending on who is serving my mother's needs the most at the time, and who is "bucking the system" so to speak. It can change even within a few days time!  I find it interesting, but at the same time, I'm not sure how much it matters since, being the scapegoat and the enmeshed golden child each are their own special kind of torture. 

[Liketheducks]

I was raised as the enmeshed GC, but definitely became the SG in adulthood when I differentiated and moved forward from where my parents thought I should be.   

I've watched my mother switch emergency contacts in the hospital from my brother to me and heard about the switch back when my brother and I have not fully lived up to what my mother wanted at the time.   There was a grand display with those changes for the hospital staff. 

 

[Happypants]

Thanks for all your responses, they're incredibly validating.  I'd normally respond to each reply, but I've been leaving off replying due to having a get-together arranged with them and seeing how things would pan out.  Well, the evening went well for the most part until everyone was leaving.  For the sake of anonymity I can't give details as it's a VERY specific topic within our family.  All I can say is that my mother completely twisted a narrative and rewrote history to make it look as though MY comfort was the reason behind a rule that they have in place for visiting their house (this was off the back of her inviting us over there for the next get together).  That rule has been in place forever, long before I could possibly have had anything to do with it.  It's a rule that many people have in place, is completely justified and a personal preference of the homeowner, and one that we have always respected, but it was always THEIR rule.  It's also a rule that has made it difficult for us to visit easily, especially on an ad hoc basis.  And now they (although my father didn't say anything) are supposedly lifting that rule now that I'M more comfortable with the situation.  She literally hugged me goodbye while blatantly attempting to gaslight me about it.  And it worked as I've been toiling over it ever since, questioning whether it was me after all.  What fascinates me is that nowadays I WANT to be the cause of all this because it would be easier to accept, and with that acceptance would come the false sense of security that things could change if I just did what they want all the time.  I feel like I'm struggling with all of this more than ever despite learning so much over the past 15 years.