Relapse

[Deby64]

I added a long share on my 3 week update post about my huge relapse

[GoodPesto]

Thinking of you Deby64. Have been missing your weekly updates and hope you are doing well.

[Deby64]

OK, it's been a while since I've written but once again I'm feeling stuck. As most of you know, I left my UPDH about 3 1/2 months ago. I really enjoy the peace I have from living in my own home however I continue to have contact with him. I've attempted no contact several times and fail because he Hoover's or love bombs. I haven't divorced yet the attorney said I still love him so that's why I haven't pushed through with the divorce. I believe I haven't pushed through with the divorce because it's more complicated than it looks as some of you know I continue to pay the mortgage in the house he still lives in, and I paid my own rent in the house that I now live in. I don't know if I continue to hold onto the hope that he will change because my rational mind knows he will not. Everything continues to be my fault even when he's trying to be loving and caring. It's my fault, that we are at this place. He's asked what he did wrong, when I attempt to explain, he crashes out, starts to rage and has no willingness to own any part of his responsibility. I've lived with this for 40+ years and it's plan insanity that I can't unbond from this sickness and walk away. I am thinking of going to file for divorce tomorrow. The only reason will be to send a message. I'm done, I will not return to the house if sickness. I think not moving on the divorce gives him a false sense of hope. I feel like I'm sending mix messages by engaging with him🤷🏾�♀️ He continue to disrespect me with his yelling and accusations, I just don't take them personal and let him vent then hang up or walk away.
Guess I'm wondering if I'm crazy for living like this.
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[Poison Ivy]

I don't think you're crazy. It's hard to end a relationship. It became easier for me when I truly accepted that my husband was not going to change, he was getting things from the marriage that I wasn't, and I was the only one who could save myself from the marriage.

[Deby64]

Poison Ivy, this is where my anger at self and tears come from. He says all this hurtful things regarding how I lack giving him attention in the marriage blah,blah. So I walk away and now he attempts to guilt me for giving up after 40+ years. I'm just wanting this over.