How do I reconcile the "wasted" time?

Blueberry Pancakes · June 20, 2025, 08:28:25 AM

People may not call it "wasted time", but sometimes it is exactly what it feels like to me. It took me until my late 40's to figure this out. It seemed I was working a complicated puzzle my whole life, but the answers only started to fill in when I realized the dysfunction of the PDs in my FOO. Even then, it still took me a few more years to go No Contact.

When I did, I felt like I finally started fully living. At times, I actually felt giddy at my new-found liberation, and did not know I could ever feel so good. I even realized some achievements that I had given up on. So that stuff is all good.

However, I am sort of reflecting back on some really good years in my 20's and 30's and seeing things I missed because I never even attempted them. I just knew I would just fail, and nobody ever encouraged me anyway. I realize that way of thinking was all untrue. It leaves me at times mulling over some missed opportunities that I cannot get back, and what do I do with that?

bloomie · June 20, 2025, 08:46:10 AM

Blueberry Pancakes - the simple answer for me has been to acknowledge the road not taken and meaningful things given up... not taken or given up because of abuse, dysfunction, deliberate sabatoging. Not because I had a choice in the matter. There is a difference, for me anyway.

And from the ashes begin to see my 'now' without limits.

We know we can't go back for a do over...

but, we have learned, survived, grown, and are walking around with an incredible set of tools and life experiences that open up endless possibilities for us.

So, when you are ready, dream. And pursue even one thing you can still accomplish and experience that brings you great joy!

Blueberry Pancakes · June 20, 2025, 11:43:09 AM

Thank you, Bloomie. What you say is beautiful.

Until recently, it was enough for me just to have the newfound knowledge of all I "knew". I began to see how I was resolving routine challenges with so much less effort than before. Everything in my world seemed better. There was ease and flow. I saw it as progress, and I was so proud of myself.

I think acknowledging the road not taken is good. It also helps me to see it as something I did not actively chose against. I do not like to think of myself as a victim of circumstances, but something just never came together on certain things.

I think maybe I was just so focused on surviving that somewhere along the line I stopped dreaming. It is good to perhaps return to that. Thank you.

Rebel13 · June 20, 2025, 12:11:34 PM

I struggle with this too Blueberry Pancakes. Sometimes I think about things I could have done, or I look around at others and think maybe I'd be where they are, if I had had the support, or even just hadn't spent my childhood being criticized and torn down at every turn, living in fear of the tantrums and casual violence.

Quote from: Blueberry Pancakes on June 20, 2025, 11:43:09 AMI think maybe I was just so focused on surviving that somewhere along the line I stopped dreaming.

This is certainly true for me. I remember how scared and overwhelmed I felt a lot of the time as a young adult on my own in a world my family had not prepared me for. When the regret crops up for me these days, I'm trying to remind myself I did the best I could with what I had. And through luck, hard work, and self protection, my life now is pretty good, so I'm also trying to focus, like you, on how much I have accomplished, given where I started, and how hard I'm working on continuing to make my life how I want it. I wish you the best. This is a tough one.

Blueberry Pancakes · June 21, 2025, 09:59:04 AM

Quote from: Rebel13 on June 20, 2025, 12:11:34 PMWhen the regret crops up for me these days, I'm trying to remind myself I did the best I could with what I had. And through luck, hard work, and self protection, my life now is pretty good, so I'm also trying to focus, like you, on how much I have accomplished, given where I started, and how hard I'm working on continuing to make my life how I want it. I wish you the best. This is a tough one.

Thank you, Rebel. Thanks too for acknowledging this is a tough one. I guess maybe regretting lost opportunity sort of comes along with awareness (?) Like you, I also think that given where I started, I am light years ahead of where I could have been and my life is good. I do not know how it happened, but I managed to meet and marry a strong, smart and lovely man who still looks at me the same way he did on our first date. Everything we have in our life is what we built together and nobody gave us anything. It is good and it is pure, and it has taken me far from where I started. I focus on that. Thank you again.

TimetoHeal · June 25, 2025, 09:34:40 PM

BP,

I am right there with you!!

I am in my early 50's and still not NC, but finally LC with boundaries. I always knew something was wrong with my mother, but didnt' have the language and knowledge to understand it until my 40's. I feel like I am constantly still playing catch-up in my life, and I grieve for the missed opportunities. Not to mention the foolish decision I made such as the choice of a marriage partner, made out of extreme low-self-esteem and desperation to get away from my FOO. The fact that you married a healthy man is a HUGE testament to the work you did!

It is really depressing when I think about it sometimes. But I try to remind myself that it ain't over til it's over, and as long as I'm alive, I have a new chance every day to make new decision and a better life for myself. I know I can never get back some of the things I missed and I may always be a little "damaged", I am better than if I had never tried, never known, never learned and decided to grow. And I thin, at least, I have done better with my own children, and hope if I ever have grandchildren, I will do better by them as well.

Try to focus on all the positive changes and things you HAVE done instead of the things you missed or would do differently. I know, easier said than done.

Liketheducks · June 29, 2025, 10:35:23 AM

This came to me in my 40's and 50's as well. I spent so much time demonizing my father. He did many inexcusable things that came with his addictions. For so much of my life, my mother was the good and stable parent. I was super close with my mom. (Read enmeshed). It wasn't until I gained some distance and counseling that I could start to see that the chaos was something they did together, a macabre ballet. Some of my father's violence was reactive abuse. Not excusing it in anyway. I'm grateful for where I am now, but maybe not how I got here.

Now, I'm zero contact with my father. Not really because of him at this point. He's so frail that he no longer poses a risk to me. I'm zero contact with him because of me. When I'm around him, even with years of therapy, I turn into the young child who spent so much time terribly afraid of the abuse that might happen. My peace is too much of a priority for me to be in his presence.

Conversely, there are times that I miss this ignorance of my mother's issues. I miss being so close and feeling so supported by her, even if that had more to do with my enmeshment and lack of boundaries.

I wish I had made the decision to prioritize my peace and happiness much earlier in life. But, I'm grateful to be here now. Now, I'm also giddy with the idea of putting my happiness first. Not entirely in a selfish way, but rather in a way that maintains my integrity and sense of self. I no longer rush in the fix everything....but pause and ask myself what is best for me and that little girl that used to hide under the dining room table...wondering whether to call the police or grandma.

TimetoHeal · June 30, 2025, 01:41:01 PM

Quote from: Liketheducks on June 29, 2025, 10:35:23 AMI wish I had made the decision to prioritize my peace and happiness much earlier in life. But, I'm grateful to be here now. Now, I'm also giddy with the idea of putting my happiness first. Not entirely in a selfish way, but rather in a way that maintains my integrity and sense of self. I no longer rush in the fix everything....but pause and ask myself what is best for me and that little girl that used to hide under the dining room table...wondering whether to call the police or grandma.

Like the Ducks,
Your last sentence made me want to cry and just give little Like the Ducks a hug and tell her she's safe. I, too, used to hide under furniture to escape my mother's wrath.

Liketheducks · July 02, 2025, 11:14:09 AM

Time to heal...I'm sorry you were under that table too. Hugs to you

TimetoHeal · July 03, 2025, 12:31:11 PM

Quote from: Liketheducks on July 02, 2025, 11:14:09 AMTime to heal...I'm sorry you were under that table too. Hugs to you

Rebel13 · July 04, 2025, 05:22:44 PM

I just watched this video on managing regret from Emma McAdam, and I thought it was very useful, both the concepts and the concrete exercise she walks through.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ecocjuUgX24

walking on broken glass · July 06, 2025, 05:21:19 AM

Thanks for sharing this Rebel!

TimetoHeal · July 06, 2025, 09:58:24 AM

What a great video, Rebel! I just watched it, and it helped me a lot today.

Blueberry Pancakes · July 13, 2025, 01:32:11 PM

Thanks everyone for sharing and thank you Rebel for the helpful video link.

I think some what I might also be grappling with is not feeling like my life as it exists today is worth having lived unless I have certain things I can point to and say "See that? I did that. My life is important now."

I sort of feel like I cannot allow myself to feel happy about my life just being who I am with what I have.

Thanks.

walking on broken glass · July 13, 2025, 03:40:05 PM

I recognise the feeling. But life is not a series of milestones. It's a knotted ball of yarn that you need to unwind and untangle (by the way I know nothing about knitting so I am not sure where I am going with this metaphor). My point is, your life has worth because it's your life; you don't need to prove anything to anyone, let alone to yourself. You just need to live it and make sense of it the best way you can.

And also, you've been here

and you have helped and supported many people, and showed them kindness and offered wisdom.

See that? You did that!

Rebel13 · July 13, 2025, 03:48:12 PM

Quote from: Blueberry Pancakes on July 13, 2025, 01:32:11 PMI sort of feel like I cannot allow myself to feel happy about my life just being who I am with what I have.

But ARE you happy? I mean, have you achieved the milestones that are important to YOU, or are there things remaining on your list? Either way is OK but the way forward is different depending on which is true for you.

I felt a lot of confusion when I was younger because I didn't want the things I was "supposed" to want -- a husband, kids, a nice house in the suburbs, a golden doodle, whatever. I knew I didn't want that kind of life which is why I didn't have it, but I spent a long time feeling like I was weird and not OK because of it.

Now, though, in my mid-50s, I look at what I have, how far I've come from how I was raised, and I'm not sorry at all that I listened to my heart and my gut and pursued my own values. I have the life that's right for me and it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks.

I don't know if any of that is like what you are feeling, Blueberry Pancakes. It's definitely a tough one.

Blueberry Pancakes · July 14, 2025, 08:12:20 AM

Thanks, Walking. Wow, I guess you are right. Yes, I actually did do that.

Rebel, I am happier than I have ever been. I think it comes from finally being happy about who I am as a person. While in the FOG, I only could see where I did not measure up. Some of the things I think I missed fall into that category you mention of "supposed to do". Honestly, there were so many years I was just trying to make it through the day and could not even wrap my head around how to start working on those "supposed to be doing" things. I do not have everything I want, but everything I do have is pretty darn good. Thanks.

Rebel13 · July 14, 2025, 09:46:32 AM

I'm so happy to hear it. It's a really good feeling to appreciate what you have and what you've built for yourself.

Sidney37 · July 25, 2025, 09:55:00 AM

Hi Blueberry. I almost feel like this is a moment for radical acceptance. You have to just radically accept that those years were what they were and look forward to the future ones.

Here's my example from this week. I did some local theater growing up, but my PDm shamed me for it. It embarrassed her. If I missed a note, she was "mortified". Everyone else was "better" - they weren't. This was a HER problem but I couldn't see that as a teenager. So I stopped for a long time. There was a role that I had always wanted to play. I'm now too old for the part. I'm in my 50s. I saw an audition posted for this show for the first time in a long time. I'm sad that I'm too old, but I decided to look for other parts that would be just as fun for an older woman and there are some out there. I'm trying to look forward instead of backwards. Hope that makes sense.