Making sense of strange behaviours

[Izak80]

There are still very traumatic strange behaviours my PD ex exhibited that I try to make sense of (if sense can be made of them).

1.) I remember a time when my exs  parrots were dying and we would
buy new ones. I thought there was some sort of parrot disease going on at the time. One day she came to me with a look of shame on her face to make a confession. She was flicking the parrots to get out her frustration. After that we stopped buying parrots. I didn't think about this until much later, but from that point I actually had a little bit of fear from her.

2.) She would often call me when I was at work during the first ten years of our marriage and ask me to take off because she was having suicidal thoughts. Thank God, she never once attempted suicide. But if I couldn't take off work, anger would ensue that I don't love her and care about her. I tried to get her on meds and she refused. Finally, she got on meds after I separated for the first time in our marriage for a couple days. She asked me what she could do to repair our marriage, I said get diagnosed and get help for your suicidal thoughts. She got diagnosed with depression and anxiety and is still taking meds, hasn't dealt with suicidal tendencies from that point on. But I never knew if the suicide threats were real or if they were to control me to take off work all the time- because she never attempted. I'm happy she reached out for help, but the extreme nature of needing to rush home when she didn't ever attempt confused me. At the time I rushed home for the first ten years without demanding anything in great empathy and concern. Never did anything  beyond that because she didn't attempt and told me it's only in her thoughts. But after ten years I demanded she get help because the severity of how she wanted me to respond didn't match having depressing thoughts with not ever coming even a little bit close to attempting (which I'm happy she didn't) .

3.) The first week of our marriage until it ended she would periodically want me to anoint the house at 3 am in a panic that demons were attacking her. Often claiming even witches would astral project into her room to torment her.  I was there and empathetic for most of it and would anoint the room (not because I believed that witches were actually astral projecting) , but to calm her. At first I did it with great compassion and empathy. Although she could sniff that I didn't really believe her after a couple years of this. This caused many fights were she would wrestle me mentally trying to get me to be in "unity" with her in the spiritual warfare facing our family. She didn't only want me to help, but to believe her, and believe it was spiritual warfare for whatever she believed triggered that warfare that we were doing in ministry. I had a more theological belief that we had victory over demons and they shouldn't have that much access to our life (and suspected it was more trauma based from her past). She would literally be obsessed about me changing my theological beliefs so we could be in "unity". It caused a lot of fights because I wasn't willing to renounce my theology on this. Later she believed the church we belonged to rented a Masonic lodge that had masons spirits. She prophesied 8 people would die until they repented for renting the building. She wanted me to join her on confronting the elders about this. I refused to which started other fights about how I don't trust her prophetic gift and don't want to be in unity with her. To be clear, this fight was not only about my theology- I was gentle with her in this one. She literally wanted me to join her on a project to warn everyone and wouldn't receive my no for an answer. I do work of evangelism, when I came in joy sharing about some people coming to faith. She would freak out at me telling me I'm inviting demons into our family by backlash and how dare I expose the family to this.

4.) She hated my mother from the very beginning and would often check my phone for my mom and sometimes my friends phone numbers claiming demons were involved and I'm exposing our family to demons by calling them. I used to hide and call my mom and friends and demons would only attack her if she knew about it.

5.) She would be very angry at me the day after intimacy she initiated (and liked it at the time) once in a very long time. I was very patient and cared about her trauma experiences . She acknowledged my patience and kindness in her healing process in this area. But the day after that all went down the drain... and she would say very hurtful things. Often demanded I would take days or sometimes a week off of work just to hold her after. If I couldn't she would rage.

6.) During the anniversary of her much older brothers death that happened when she was a young child (he died in combat in the army). She would ask all of  me to take off work for days just to help her grieve and mourn. She also has our young and now older children mourn with her. He passed about 20'years before we were married and before our divorce it would have been 40 years. She still does this until this day. It feels like a funeral for a week in the house. She is also super triggered at nearly everything more than usual during that week. So everyone is tense and has to sit with her in that... otherwise we don't love or care about her. The kids and I would sit with her in empathy for a week while she blew up at us all that week. We tried really hard to be as empathetic and loving as possible, but we always did something wrong (even if it's just make a little noise).

7.) She would blow up at me and the kids for sensory issues. Having a loud voice, pacing (I have ADHD so I like to pace when I think or talk on the phone), smells, aesthetics in restaurants not being pleasant and me not being quick to ask the waitress to change tables 3-4 times, TV shows, even harmless word triggers.

8.) She has us memorize and know by heart  all her traumatic experiences and triggers. If we accidentally missed one of her long list of triggers (like leaving the house without saying goodbye even for five minutes) she would break out in panic mode and then blame us by saying we don't love her because we knew she has these triggers and did it anyways. The hard part is the list was so long and the requests were everyday normal events for most people, we messed up sometimes. She would not be happy or calm down until we apologized and admitted what we did was unloving to her. I had a real hard time honestly because with ADHD and I'm
Kind of aloof, I missed it sometimes by accident.

9.) I'm a pretty joyful guy and very optimistic most days. This would trigger her. She would yell at me that I am naieve. I think she wanted me to be in a somber mode with her and my joy and optimism was hard for her. This also was a fight that I want to believe the best about people and that triggered her, she wanted me to assume bad motives on so many people and tried hard to convince me half the world was bad. She would get so frustrated with me when I couldn't agree with her. There were a few times I felt she was on a mission to get me to believe people were in bad and be in unity with her (unity was a common theme or hers).

10.) She has a strange relationship with "being professional". She would pull out of events because they weren't professional. She would pull out kids out of many good schools because they weren't profressional. When she volunteered her art skills at a simple kids camp, she blew up because they didn't let her be professional (the camp said these were simple kids and their art needs to be simple), she taught her foreign language for a one month course... the school that hired her only wanted her to teach simple phrases, she dropped out of teaching because they weren't letting her be professional. Every time there was a problem, the other side wasn't being professional. It was very odd.

[StartingHealing]

Izak80,

Been totally NC since 2022? 2023?  Eh I made sure she couldn't contact me.  25 years prior to that though... In my estimation my former spouse has BPD +.  The + is I believe there is some paranoia of some sort.  Her aunt lived out her life in a state facility because she was a paranoid schizophrenic.

My take on all the behaviors you listed kinda comes down to the PD not really having a sense of self, the emotions that are being felt at the time are her reality, and also has to be the perceived victim in everything.  Even if the situation is something that they created by their own actions.  In the former spouses case, she would treat people horribly that in no way deserved it and a few hours later would go on a rant about how evil, mean, and hateful other people were.  Totally re-working the circumstances in her head to fit the victim narrative. 

The blow ups after being intimate .. more of the spin to maintain the victim narrative.  There is also a huge amount of projection that happens with PD's.

One thing that helped me kinda figure out what was up the list of the top 100 behaviors.  Using that and the tool box I pulled Out of the FOG enough to see what was actually going on, and then I also used that to kinda get a handle on the ending.  No, I'll not get
closure and that is fine.  The 3 C's are a life line.  Even after things ended. 

The walking while talking on the phone?  All that means is that you are really engaged and thinking about the conversation. I do it, Got a friend who does it, it's a guy thing.

Wishing you and yours, all the best.

[Izak80]

Startedhealing,

How has NC been for you?
I know for me it took me about three years to stop reacting like stepping over eggshells all the time?

How did you handle the paranoia?

[StartingHealing]

Startedhealing,

How has NC been for you?
I know for me it took me about three years to stop reacting like stepping over eggshells all the time?

How did you handle the paranoia?

The NC has been a wonderful thing overall.  It's allowing me time to become re-acquainted with myself.  It has also allowed me to focus on my healing path.  I get Aha! moments from time to time now as I heal from the mental / emotional / spiritual abuse.  I now "see" how she manipulated me. And then a while later I'll have insight into another way I was manipulated / abused.

 The recovery from the "eggshell" walking has been going along pretty good.  One thing that helped me is knowing that no matter what I do, what I don't do, there are certain people that are going to cast me as the villain in the story that they tell themselves about themselves and that's not my F-ing issue.  You know? 

No lie, there are still occasions where the anger towards the former spouse arises and I affirm never again will I accept that behavior from anyone. 

The paranoia.. Few things that also go into going NC.  Changed my mobile # and carrier. Deleted all of her family members, friends, associates contact info.  Got my family / friends up to speed as well and to not accept any calls from her if that happened.

Moved to a location about 1/2 an hour drive from the former marital residence, and since I'm renting which means my name isn't on any real estate. Got a P.O. Box.  Deleted all social media accounts, and created new one's depending on what if anything that platform was providing me. Did not use any names that could be traced back to me. At least where I reside it's not illegal to use a pen name or a different moniker as long as I'm not engaged in fraud.  Did the same with email accounts as well. New ones including a paid service.

 Back when the legal crap was going on, I informed all professionals that both of us were associated with so that way I could continue to use their services if I chose to.  The professionals had already figured out that she was a "high conflict" person and was grateful for me giving them fair warning. I did the same with work as well to forestall false allegations coming from her or a flying monkey of hers.  The people in HR were shocked that she had been arrested on DV charges.   

Took a while, however I have a different vehicle that she doesn't know about.

Going forward, I have an opportunity to move to a different state since I have been accepted as a member of a Native Native here in the USA, and there are jobs available that I can do and have experience in, and the higher ups at work have passed word that in about a year the site where I work currently is going to be spun down.  In the other state, lower cost of living, can make the same if not more money, more out doors activities, yeah I think I'll be moving.  Which will also break the trail of anything that the former spouse could follow to "find" me.

There is still a legal thing.. alimony garnishment but that doesn't come from me and goes to her, it goes from me to the state and then to her.  That breaks that direct connection as well.

On her side, she hurried up and found new supply and then of course she changed herself to snooker the new dude into the web of manipulation, and moved into that dude's place that is an hour, hour and a half drive away from the marital residence.  Due to a work place accident she has life time medical on a lower limb which means she's not probably going to be leaving the current state. Gotta play that victim card you know? 

That's basically it.  Breaking any data trails and common methods of finding someone.  Hope this helps