I fell for the flying monkey routine

[JLS]

I posted earlier this year about some concerns I had with my relationship with my sister which had reunited after a long estrangement.  I was still in contact with her throughout this year and although there were positive interactions there were also moments which gave me pause.  She finally admitted that our mother was pressuring her to reveal our conversations and information about my life, which she gave our mother, she did say to tried to redirect her to me but admitted it was easier to just tell her what she wanted to know.  I am not sure why she told me this.  She screen shot a text my mother had sent her and sent it to me, another red flag.  I had slowly increased communication with our mother till it was back to a more normal text relationship with sharing information.  So I was back in the fold.

Then my milestone birthday came up, a big one.  I organised a family lunch.  My sister didn't come and said she would do a dinner with our partners later on.  This dinner was also my suggestion. It was a bit of drive to get the family lunch so I didn't think much of it.  A weekend before this family lunch she took her partner for a weekend away for his birthday.  His birthday was a non milestone birthday.  She told me she would get back to me with dates for our dinner.  She never got back to me.  I sent her some dates that worked for me and told her how much this birthday meant to me and how much celebrating it meant to me. I still didn't hear anything further from her regarding dates, she did send texts with other stuff, just nothing birthday related. On my birthday she sent a text. Within that text was "we will all get together soon". I simply texted 'thanks'. At this stage I was not going to chase her and had worked out that she was not going to see me in the month of my birthday. A couple of days ago she sent another text saying her partner had minor surgery and could we organise the dinner in another couple of weeks, when I just said 'let me know what date suits' her next reply was "when are you going away".  I was going away in you guessed it, two weeks time.  So she suggested we either leave it till later or do it on this one date.  This one date was a date I said I wasn't available. Now her partner is ok to return to work on the 21st.  I go away early next month but apparently August is crazy for her at the moment.

I do not expect to do the dinner after her partner had this surgery but we have had lunch every month since we have been back in contact. Other crazy stuff happening but she has managed it. This month, my birthday month, no lunch, no brunch, not even a coffee.

On my actual birthday my parents in a phone call mentioned about my niece's 21st birthday they all celebrated earlier this year, no they did not ask what I was doing or anything about my day but did mention this 21st birthday which happened back in January. No I wasn't invited to it, neither to their Christmas get together. In fact I am yet to meet any of the nieces and nephews even after 3 years of contact with my sister.  I am still excluded from family get togethers, even though we all talk and apparently everything is fine. I am done.  Done with being a second thought.  I get my sister is busy but she has managed to meet up every month but the one time I tell her it's important to me and she disappears.  On the phone my mother even asked if my sister had called me. 

So in one of my earlier posts Trees had made a comment about not wanting to play chess games and looking for the next move being played.  Very early on I had had suspicions of being in the love bomb phase.  One day very early on both my mother and sister were blowing up my phone with messages.  It felt odd.  Now I feel back to being hurt, confused and doubting myself.  I feel I have entered the devaluation stage.

Although I am doubting myself and often turn to the 'it isn't that bad, I have it wrong, I'm overthinking it, it's not all about me' the majority of me can't do this anymore.  I got played by the flying monkey routine.  I will go away on holiday and then use that to distance myself, go back to two texts a year and step back from all of it.  I am deeply disappointed but just done with it.  I'm over it.  There is nothing left here.  I either keep playing a chess game or I pick me, I am ready to pick me.

I am so disappointed, I wanted things to be different but I just feel I am getting played.  I keep telling myself I am paranoid or imagining it but I also predicted her behaviour before it happened.  My mother of course is acting like butter wouldn't melt in her mouth, doing all the right things whilst those around her seem to be doing the dirty work.  I tried but this isn't worth it.

If you think I am over reacting about my birthday please tell me.  Please tell me if this is being too sensitive.

[Rebel13]

I am done.  Done with being a second thought... 

I am deeply disappointed but just done with it.  I'm over it.  There is nothing left here.  I either keep playing a chess game or I pick me, I am ready to pick me.

Hi JLS,

I'm so sorry! It's really painful when family members don't prioritize us in the way we wish they would. But I'm so familiar with the "done" feeling, and I believe that's a power position. You sound very clear here that the relationships, as they are, are not acceptable to you, that you have done all you can to make them work and it isn't enough. You get to be done! You get to prioritize you.

Wishing you the best as you work on creating the life you want with people who value you the way you value them.

[walking on broken glass]

I will go away on holiday and then use that to distance myself, go back to two texts a year and step back from all of it.  I am deeply disappointed but just done with it.  I'm over it.  There is nothing left here.  I either keep playing a chess game or I pick me, I am ready to pick me.

I applaud your clarity and your decisiveness! This is exactly what you should do. I am sorry that you have been treated this way. I know how it feels and it sucks. But you have the right instinct here. Choose you and opt out of their games. Choose sanity and consistency over chaos and gaslighting.

[TimetoHeal]

 

You are not overreacting.  PD people like to disappoint or outright ruin days that are special to us.  I'm sorry that happened to you.  Happy birthday, by the way!

Take your vacation and start choosing you!  Show up for yourself where others have clearly not shown up for you. 

[moglow]

I don't think your take on it is unreasonable or "too sensitive" at all - you told your sister how you felt and that being together this birthday was important for you. She disregarded and made excuses even after repeat attempts and suggestions. Okay, she made a choice and as we're often reminded, actions have consequences.

I will say this, not to excuse her in any way but possibly provide a dab of insight: Sis may not fully recognize she's being used as flying monkey. She could have evaded and danced all around it to avoid the inevitable interrogation from mother. That said, it's sad sister doesn't have the intestinal fortitude to step back from that questioning, but here we are. Not everyone does, and it can be hard learning that lesson. By her choosing to not actively participate, there's nothing to share with mother later, know what I mean? Mother may have been hounding her about "did you talk? What did she say? Did you tell her x or y? What about ...?"

The honorable caring thing for her to do would be to make her own choices and "yes JLS and I have been in contact. No, I don't care to discuss her behind her back any longer." Period, end of, change of subject. However, Sis knows doing that [standing up for herself and/or you] would put *her* in the cross hairs and she's not able to do that. She may later or she may not, there's no way to know really. People surprise me every day.

What I can tell you from personal experience, should mother turn on sister she/sis will likely cut a path directly to you, needing support. Then you have to decide what if any real relationship you have and respond accordingly. If/when they "reconcile" her instincts/self protection may lead her to tell mother everything you've said. Sometimes it's possible for us to simply be a sounding board while they work through it, without revealing too much of yourself.

[JLS]

Thanks everyone.  I just get stuck because I know an invitation isn't a summons, that just because I have expectations of how I want a birthday celebration to go doesn't mean she is obligated to fulfil that expectation. I've been thinking more about what that means for me.  For me it means, I can't have any other relationship other than the one they dictate. It means I either conform and agree to continue to keep everything as they want or I distance myself because I find it hurtful. For eg. I don't expect to be invited to everything but if I hear they are all getting together for Christmas then yes I find it weird they don't invite me. 

I communicated that I wanted to celebrate my birthday in the month of my birthday and that's the one thing my sister has refused to do.  She was happy to plan a date in June to go to dinner for my birthday, June, or after but not the one thing I said I wanted.  So again I feel I have to relent, give up, do as they please, let me be treated however they want because my thoughts, feelings and opinions do not matter.

A while back I was in a good place, a much better place emotionally and mentally.  Now I am back to googling about narcissistic cycles, posting about it, I am stressed, confused, anxious.  I have realised that slowly over time I have simply fallen back into the old patterns and cycles, the status quo has returned to what it once was.  It happened so slowly. I did have good boundaries in place and where are those boundaries now, I keep giving, I keep expecting less because I don't want to be demanding or a nuisance, because I desperately wanted those relationships.  I expect so little that my milestone birthday comes up and my sister can't be bothered to make time for a 30 min coffee and I am left wondering if I am being silly.  I get people are busy, but people are not so busy they don't show up for the people that matter to them. For eg my sister went on holiday for her birthday, weekend away for boyfriends birthday, family celebration for her daughters birthday. My sister gave me the best gift she could have, she showed me my place in her life.  At least now I know what it is like having my sister back in my life.

The one lesson I seem to have learned though is that there is nothing left to say to them.  Nothing to communicate.  I don't plan on telling them how I feel. Been there, done that nothing good has ever come from it. I just plan on going back to what I was doing before, a couple of text a year, maybe see them once or twice a year, that is where I was good.  I am deeply disappointed.  Yes I wanted more but that's out of my control.  It feels awful accepting the crumbs they throw me, I really believe it is that which has led to me to spiralling down so much.  I accept less and less simply to not be difficult but in return my self worth gets a hit. That is nothing to do with them but the honest truth is, that with other friends this dynamic does not play out, my self worth never takes a hit.  I have heard to lower expectations and whilst this is true it can also be a green light to abuse, keep lowering those expectations till you are being treated less than everyone else in the family.  They all got their milestone birthdays   

I do have an assumption based on how toxic family dynamics work that my sister has done this as abuse by proxy, she gets money from our parents so makes sense she would want to keep mother happy, this is only my assumption but deep in my gut I sense truth in it.  I have also noticed that if something big has been happening in my life, something bigger is happening in hers.  Time to celebrate me and she disappears.  These are all classic toxic traits but still really hard to accept.

I am just so disappointed it ended this way.  Lucky for me the next few months are going to be busy, they were going to be that way before all this happened so I can easily use that as an excuse to distance myself.

[JLS]

Ugh I keep reading that it is toxic for people to play victim. Saying that others have hurt them and then getting upset at what others have done, getting upset if people don't want to go along with your plans. This is also described as toxic.  So how do I know if I am showing toxic traits?

[walking on broken glass]

You are NOT showing toxic traits, for the simple reason that people who have toxic traits and play the victim are NOT the victim. They manipulate others to make them think so in order to get what they want. In your family, you are being victimized and scapegoated; you are kept at a distance, you are thrown crumbs and are expected to be thankful. You have been treated like this consistently and you've put up with it, in order to manage to have some kind of functional relationship with them. You have tried and tried to make them happy in the hope that they will finally accept you as an equal member of the family. You have minimised and downplayed your desires and needs in order to fit in. And the very few times you just asked them to show up, they failed miserably and they showed you that what you want isn't important. No relationship works like that: there has to be giving and taking. If the balance is always skewed, it is not sustainable for the giver: as you discovered, you become rightly resentful and exhausted. And it is heartbreaking that you even consider you might have toxic traits, just because you want your family to care about you.

I am really really sorry. But you have great clarity and you know what's the best for you. Yes, it is sad that your family cannot show you love in the way everyone needs and deserves but you now know this is their limit. This is all they can offer. And you have every right to walk away from that.

[JLS]

Thanks Walking, you describe how I feel so accurately.  I guess I am just so confused at the moment. I worry I am causing the problems. I see the fog has returned. I am back in that place.

The one thing I can see clearly is how severely my mental health has tanked.  I had gotten so much better but this was when I had distance from them.  I guess out of everything I have written, this is the one thing I cant ignore.  I can't escape it.  I can't unsee it. 

I have to let go and move on. Having gotten better I forgot how this part feels. So yeah I have every right to walk away and for my mental health it is an absolute must. I keep worrying I'm wrong but that doesn't matter anymore, I can't live my life this way. I simply don't have the energy for it anymore, I am exhausted.

Thank you.

[walking on broken glass]

You will get back to the place you were before; even better, you will thrive and do great because you now have the secure knowledge, even more than before, what letting them get into your head does to you. You see things very clearly and that's really important! Keep writing to us here. I personally find really helpful getting the support and confirmation I so desperately need.

[GoodPesto]

Hi JLS,

I understand your thought process and your feelings. What I can tell you from my perspective is that how you describe it it seems that it's maybe not necessarily that your sister did not show up but how she did not show up for what she knew is important to you.
It's one thing to postpone, you said yourself that you were sad but ok with it. It's another thing to fade or sneak out like your sister did afterwards. To say one thing and do another. To not be straight with you and let you run after her like this, leaving the impression she never really had plans to make it work only to make it appear this way, not having the spine to tell you it won't happen.
There are ways to not celebrate your birthday with you and leave you feel loved and respected at the same time because sometimes life does get in the way ... you said it yourself. The way you describe it does not leave the impression your sister made an effort to dampen the blow of dissappointment but to chicken out leaving you even clueless as to why. This is simply mean.
I feel your pain. You dared to get slightly comfortable again and got reminded of being singled out within your own family. There is no pain like this.
Do not believe yourself when you doubt yourself. See it as proof that this is harmful environment.
Like WOBG I am positive that you will bounce back from this stronger and will be able to proctect yourself even better.
You sound like you truly had enough and unfortunately as family animals that humans are it takes a lot to come to this point. This is a way how you can messure what you must have been through.
Keep your head up.

[Rebel13]

Ugh I keep reading that it is toxic for people to play victim. Saying that others have hurt them and then getting upset at what others have done, getting upset if people don't want to go along with your plans. This is also described as toxic.  So how do I know if I am showing toxic traits?

This grabbed my attention so hard, because I've spent so much time over my life asking same/similar questions about myself.

Here's what I'm so grateful to be learning in trauma therapy.

There's nothing toxic about having feelings. Everyone has them. It's what we do with them.

Feeling them, naming/acknowledging them, letting them pass when they're/we're ready? Normal.

Clinging to them/wallowing in them/spending a lot of time wishing they were different? Problematic, but probably more for ourselves than others. This is what Buddhism calls "suffering" and Emma McAdam/Therapy in a Nutshell calls "dirty pain."

Sharing them with trusted others in relationships where that's an established, agreed-upon practice? Normal and often helpful.

Sharing them with the bank teller? Or repeatedly bringing them up when someone has indicated they'd prefer we didn't? Not so great. But also maybe understandable when someone is super distressed and it's not a pattern.

*Using* the feelings to manipulate someone? To press unwilling people into the role of caretaker? To leverage FOG to keep them under your thumb/doing what you want them to? As an excuse to get mad and blow off steam in a scary, abusive way towards others? As a justification for sending someone 5 angry text messages and 3 weepy voicemails in an hour (hi Mom!)? That's toxic.

[JLS]

Thanks. I feel time will help.  I so far have not mentioned anything to anyone in the family about my feelings.  Goodpesto I think that is right when you say that it was more that she knew it was important to me and did not show up.

Rebel that is interesting.  I spend too much time wanting them to be different so that is problematic for me.  Something to work on.

Thanks for the support, I appreciate it.

[JLS]

So after feeling like I was having an emotional breakdown I asked myself if I actually want to be involved in those family get togethers. Surprisingly the answer was no.

I realised since reacquainting with my sister after a long estrangement I really haven't felt safe in the relationship.  I have been hyper vigilant and that's exhausting.  There have been signs of problems which I ignored hoping it was not true. I have been desperately trying to show them how emotionally together I am which ultimately is not healthy.

It's not that I want the relationship with them it's that I have a void, a deep longing to feel loved and a belief that family gives love.  They will not or are incapable of fulfilling this.

I read some old posts of mine and I say the same thing. I am having more contact and I feel lost and confused.  When I see how bad I recently got, there is no more confusion for me.  I no longer have the energy or desire to continue.

I am stepping back. It doesn't really matter the why of it all.  It's time to turn back inwards and fill that void of love myself.  I was doing that and was doing ok.

I think my biggest problem was that I kept going back, kept wanting something different.  Thinking I needed their love or acceptance. Maybe as a child I did need it,  however as an adult I am capable of giving that to myself. 

I realise that if in all these decades I am still confused then this has to be by design. The time has come to simply sit down. Remove myself.  The battle before was that I wanted to be included,  but not any more. I see that being included would leave me in that constant state of confusion and hurt. I don't want that. I am fine with a couple of texts a year.  So that will be me moving forward. 

These relationships are so draining and I don't have the energy for it now. I plan of putting that energy into other things and letting this fall where it falls.  I mean if they don't want to include me anyway it makes sense I leave them to their gatherings. To be fair I also see that my sisters relationship with them is still manipulative just in a different way.  I don't want that either. 

It's a long road and many times I said this but for the first time there is not the longing for them any more. It's an acceptance of defeat.  I couldn't get that relationship I wanted but in defeat it opens room to move to something more productive.

[Call Me Cordelia]

Bravo, JLS. What a strong and sober acceptance of reality.

[walking on broken glass]

You expressed yourself beautifully and coherently, JLS! You will feel much more at peace with the decision you have made. And if doubts creep in, come back here and read what you posted, regain that moment of clarity.

[JLS]

Thanks. It's funny years ago I had the thinking that things may change, the what ifs, if I just let things go, if I just try harder, if I try to talk, if I try to not talk, if I do xyz, if if if, but now I think well time has passed, decades have passed and things have still not changed. So I can either put in energy and think that something may change in another 20 years or just accept it as it is and move on.  I want to move on. And in that decision I feel safe and guess what not confused.  I am going to trust my body on this one because when I see friends I don't feel this way, I am not left confused, so I am going to trust my body even if I don't understand the whys of it.

In the past I have gone NC or VLC and although I felt relief etc I still think there was a longing for that family relationship.  Now I can see how they are two separate things.  The desire for a loving family and the actual relationship with family.  I can see how I have been trying to attain that desire through people that are incapable or unwilling.

At the end of the day my sister doesn't have to do anything for my birthday, she is not obligated just because it was important to me.  However she has also shown that she will put in effort for those she does care about such as taking her partner of 3 years for a weekend away for his birthday. The fact is we do make an effort for those we care about and want to see happy.  There is nothing to say to her, she doesn't have to put in effort but at least her actions have shown me her true feelings, I no longer have to wonder and that is probably the best birthday gift she could have given me. Because I am free from it.  There are no more what ifs because there is no where else to go, its just a merry go round that keeps going round from nice to nasty, nice to nasty and I just got off.

I look forward to putting energy to where I find peace and contentment. 

[Hopeful Spine]

I will go away on holiday and then use that to distance myself, go back to two texts a year and step back from all of it.  I am deeply disappointed but just done with it.  I'm over it.  There is nothing left here.  I either keep playing a chess game or I pick me, I am ready to pick me.

Plan two holidays.  One to allow yourself to feel a little sad.  And another to live in complete JOY for the future. 

I hope this Milestone Birthday gives you a beautiful year and your next birthday is better than you ever dreamed.