Those, who have been NC 5 yrs or more, please share thoughts

[Tribe16]

I've been NC with both parents for 10+ years. I'm honestly not sure what was up with my mom—in some ways, she reacted like someone suffering from BPD, and her back story fits with that, but most of my life, I wouldn't have thought of her as even capable of some of the negative behaviors associated with it. My therapist years ago suspected BPD, but I'll never know for sure. I've thought maybe C-ptsd could be part of it. Mom wasn't necessarily mean, but was depressed, A LOT.

I feel this Ziggy. There were lots of good times with my Mom and I guess I blanked out the pattern of bad times that was part of my life, but when the behavior became so egregious the past 5 years or so that I had to research to find answers, the blinders came off. I haven't had a conversation with my mother since her 51-second phone call the night my dad passed away in March. When I didn't think she could get any colder or more resentful, she did. I don't want it to be permanent, but I accept that I was way more attached to her than she ever was to me, and that I can never go back to pretending nothing happened. So here we are. No contact was never something I wanted, but maybe something I truly need. I'm glad that you are at peace about it.

[Ziggy52]

I appreciate that, Tribe. I'm so sorry for your loss of your father, and for the situation with your mother. I hope you can find peace, too.

[Blueberry Pancakes]

Hi, New Life. I went NC with my only sibling and parents six years ago.

However, I altered the situation to VLC with parents the last few years as they were elderly. I wish I had stayed NC with them. My reasons for allowing any contact at all were that 1) I wanted to know when they died, and 2) I wanted to try to still get the inheritance my parents had put in their Will for me so that my Golden Child sister would not end up with all of it and think she "won" in the end. I am not proud that. Joke is on me though since she had them re-write their Will a few weeks before my dad died, and they wrote me out.

I suppose my take-away is that it is best to stay true to your heart. I think following what is in your heart will not betray you. Trying to maneuver for anything or follow what seems to be "logic" can lead you astray.   
 
NC is profoundly isolating. I feel like it has been a most pivotal journey that changed my life and expanded who I am as a person - yet NOBODY gets it or sees anything. It is kind of infuriating. However, when I started to explain to those closest to me, I could see their eyes glaze over and they would uncomfortably start looking around the room or there was a hesitation in their mannerisms. I just stopped right there. I knew I lost them. I feel like NC is just something I will hold closely to myself and protect. If others question, I guess I will just smile knowingly to myself and use silence or change the subject.
     

[Call Me Cordelia]

Blueberry Pancakes, I have had that experience. Some people heard about the crazy stuff that happened toward the end as I was going through it and STILL the eyes glaze over and uncomfortable shifting every time we come near the subject.

Those are no longer people I would consider "closest to me," even if we still spend plenty of time together and they are wonderful in many ways. I want to validate that NC is profoundly isolating through many, many losses, mostly invisible.

Holiday time is starting again. And I'm hosting a houseful on Thursday again. But we are all "adrift," as far as FOO goes. I'm happy to do so and they are nice folks. But it's still a grief to be in that "rejects" boat every year. Not a helpful way to think about myself and FOC but I sure feel that way sometimes.

It's such a relief to be seen by you kind people. I think that's why I still show up here, even though I don't have much active PDness in my life at all now. The grief is not over, and I am made different by it, both inside and in how I relate to the rest of humanity.

[Ziggy52]

I don't feel that I was particularly validating in my earlier post, that NC can be incredibly isolating. I felt it most in the beginning. After 12 years, though, a lot has changed. There are friends my parents have never met, so I have a "new" circle, a new "family." In my case, when I expressed emotion, it was either called out for being dramatic, often ignored or turned against me, so I still have a tendency to avoid expressing feelings that create "vulnerability." My earlier post in this thread may be a reflection, to a degree, of that. While I feel more at peace than not, I still struggle.

In the last few years, social media has made it sound as if NC is simply "trending," almost as if the action itself is all it's about. That there's nothing behind it. It baffles me how anyone could believe someone would make such an extreme decision without there being something extreme fueling it, since NC, while sometimes necessary, and in my own case, feeling it has been lifesaving, is brutal, to put it bluntly. Going NC, for me at least, has meant losing almost my entire FOO (along with family friends). Who would put themself in that position, "just because?"

This month, I received a small gift box. I am 99.999999% sure it's from my parents. I've checked with several friends, just to be sure. I can't imagine any of them wording a holiday greeting the way it was. There is nothing saying who it's from, and the message is on the "snarky" side. It's typical of what my parents have sent in the past. It tells me all I need to know, however, and that is that nothing has changed in their world. So, NC continues.

To anyone considering NC, I'm so sorry it has come down to this for you. While it provides relief, there are definitely some tough side effects. But, please know so many of us understand and care about you, even if we've never met you in person.

[frogjumpsout]

Thank you, DaisyGirl, responders, and Ziggy! The part about feeling like floating in space resonates so much with me.

[M0009803]

I have been NC with my mother and older sister for almost 8 years now.

At first, I did not go NC with my brother because I wanted to try to keep that relationship if at all possible.

Over time, they used him as a flying monkey to keep tabs on me and send me messages.

I told my brother numerous times that my boundaries regarding my mother and sister were final, and that he needed to respect that.

After about a half dozen times were he ignored the boundaries I concluded that the situation was a lost cause and I cut off contact and explained to him why I was doing so.

That was about 5 years ago.

While being NC is isolating, the level of peace and quiet you inherit is life-changing.

You don't realise how much emotional energy your dysfunctional family takes from you until you are fully out for a length of time.

The way I cope with this is by creating new memories and experiences with my own family (married with one child).  The more time that passes, the more the bad memories kind of fade away.

Thats not to say they ever go away (they never do), they are just relayed to the back of your mind.

This is all in the context of my own situation (brother lives 30mins away and siblings are overseas) as I would think dealing with all of this would be much harder if family members all lived within 10mins of each other.

Just to update:

My brother has now reached out to me via his wife (to my wife) after 5Y trying to "reconnect" and to see my child (he has never seen her).

This tells me that you will probably always have to be vigilant and protective of your life even after NC. 

[OverHere]

Wonderful thread although painful to read. It shows why things have been so hard and don't really feel easier as I age.  Let's say, the social terrain has not changed since NC but I do see the pitfalls coming up before I even get there. I have become gun-shy. It's progress but doesn't look or feel that way.

Every poster has given me more to think about.

I agree that there is no point trying to explain anything, and I like very much the analogy of people sitting on the beach in the sun.

Having an answer prepared helps me be more willing to even begin talking to people whereas before, I felt hamstrung by needing to steer away from the subject of families.  It has taken about 20 years as I learned what happens if you don't have something prepared. I'd like to give mine here, but it could blow my cover. It has to be one that doesn't blame yourself or your family.

A different phrase I like is from a book, "Hello, my name is X, and there are some things I never talk about".  It does not say what the things are, so you can change your mind as you get to know someone.

I'd also like to add something new to the discussion here and that's the double-bind from society, where if you are upset about needing NC you are "hysterical" or "too intense" and if you achieve serenity, you are "so callous" or "on a different planet". Yet you don't want to be disingenuous.  I don't know the rules for How To Be, after an unwitnessed disaster.

[Call Me Cordelia]

the double-bind from society, where if you are upset about needing NC you are "hysterical" or "too intense" and if you achieve serenity, you are "so callous" or "on a different planet". Yet you don't want to be disingenuous.  I don't know the rules for How To Be, after an unwitnessed disaster.

I'm so sorry you've experienced that double bind. I think the key word is unwitnessed. Those who think in that double bind sort of way are not wanting to witness our situation at all. I do think society in general is majorly changing in awareness and acceptance, but yeah that mentality you describe does exist. It's helped me to frame that as information about that person and not any reflection on myself. I am not responsible for managing other people's feelings and opinions of me.

I've said this before in these boards but in the last couple of years I've felt much more comfortable in sharing confidently but vaguely that I have no family when people ask about my family on a getting-to-know-you level. It almost always ends up just fine and it's actually empowering and healing. I guess I got to a place where I just wasn't carrying that shame anymore and didn't care to cover it up like a skeleton in the closet. I agree with you that whatever you say has to be something that stays away from blame, although I have said that I come from a severely dysfunctional family. I'm not saying it's their fault they're so crazy.
Doling out blame kind of expects the other person to take your side in a situation they don't know anything about. It's just bad manners and hardly fair to blast unsuspecting acquaintances with our woundedness when they're expecting small talk. If we're not responsible for managing their opinions of us, neither are they responsible to give us validation. And some people just won't. With that in mind I try to speak in a way that keeps from inviting pity. I really don't want that anyway. I am conveying a pertinent fact, and then try to move on. Occasionally people have felt safe enough in future encounters to ask me more about the situation, usually because they themselves are dealing with difficult family dynamics. Because we are definitely not alone in having dealt with those!

Growing up either neglected or enmeshed, all or nothing, these nuances can seem beyond us for a long time. I think as we heal, these societal boundaries become something we gain skills to navigate and know it's okay to be honest but still hold back at an appropriate level.

[OverHere]

Cordelia I agree and it sounds like you have reached a place where you can say "have no family" and your lip doesn't tremble.  It's not just the words is it.  I'm not there yet because "family" includes my adult children which is more intense but judging by the progress i have made in the last 25 years I could make small talk again one day.

[My New Life]

Thank you everyone who shared on this topic.  I am grateful for how much hard-won wisdom each of you shared for all of us to consider. 

My mother died in March.  I was her medical POA and had to make medical decisions for her the last few months of her life.  One of these decisions was to allow her a psych evaluation and finally give her the medication she needed most of her life.  She was placed on an anti-depressant, anti-anxiety meds and anti-psychotics.  With the help of these medications, I was allowed a glimpse of my mother in softer packaging.  I was able to "go back in" in a protected environment and visit her in relative peace the last three months of her life.  It was a gift for which I remain grateful.  Still it was bittersweet.  How much pain and anguish could have been avoided in both of our lives, had she accepted medical intervention decades sooner?  I will never know.