Broke up with BPD partner of a decade

[PrisonFood]

Hey, never thought it would get to this point, just writing here to get this off my chest. I have suffered with anxiety since I was a young child, and I was with a BPD partner for a very long time. They were always suicidal from the day I met them, but they were so sunny and nice I thought I could help them work through it and it was the only person who I felt like had actually seen me or cared about me.

Over time I sort of accepted blame for more and more things, the way I provided or showed love was never enough, or it was incorrect, or different traits about me like trauma or my anxiety were the source of our issues and over time I felt like this awful uncaring burden to this person I really cared a lot about. The way they treated me, in my head, with my guilt and shame I've accumulated made sense and I felt like I deserved it. Over time I have watched them isolate themselves, fail to hold social and occupational obligations time and time again from the instability of their mood, but it is always framed as my fault that I am not supportive enough for them to function, and my anxiety is so bad that they spend all of their energy caring for me. I have moved many times to follow this person, I have left nearly everyone behind, and it was never enough to prove that I cared. Their failure educationally was my fault, their failure occupationally was my fault, and they had done enough therapy to know the terminology to convince me as much.

It got really bad to a point where they had said some openly racist things about one of our friends in a public setting, and got upset when I would not have their side. I learned from these friends that, rather than communicating relationship issues to me, they had been venting to them all of my problems and painting me as this toxic selfish partner that always has them teetering on the verge of suicide. They had told them details about what we talk about in couples therapy, which was a huge violation of my trust, but I was convinced that it wasn't and that I don't know enough about therapy. Over the following months they lost their job and descended into anger, telling me how they want their old friends to die so the friends feel how they feel, describing to me how they would want it to happen. When I'm uncomfortable with this, I'm an unsupportive partner. They change their persona to be the antithesis of their old best friend, and undergo a massive unrecognizable shift in their personality. They tell me their therapist told them how to make me think their thoughts are mine. I tell them that's manipulation. They tell me I'm looking at them uncharitably.

I worked for months, keeping my job through multiple therapies, trying new medications, trying to fix whatever was broken with me that was making them be like this, whatever was making me deserve to be treated this way. They didn't work and had every day off to themselves, and did not grow or ever feel better from this. Whenever they are really upset they get high, which doesn't make them feel better, it makes them spiral and get belligerent at me and break things. I broke up a few days ago, not for any lack of love, but I just can't do it anymore. They justify all of their actions as happening because they are at their lowest point, but they are always at their lowest point.

I am tired. I am getting a million angry texts grasping at all forms of reframing the problem, blaming me for my many faults, but I am just tired. They get angry and tell me I am always tired, and I guess I am. I have taken only one day off this year, the day after we broke up, and the relief and weight I felt lifted was substantial. But also a hopeless feeling that they've had almost hundreds of those days, and didn't find any peace.

[Rebel13]

Hi PrisonFood, I'm so sorry you are struggling with this. It sounds like you have been having a hard time for a long time, so I understand why you'd have a sense of relief right now. Your last line also made me wonder if you are feeling sad and wishing you could have fixed your partner. I suspect maybe you know by now that you can't. It's up to each of us to do what needs to be done to make our own lives better, and I'm glad you have stepped away from this relationship to take care of yourself.

There are lots of people here who share your experiences and I'm sure they'll have great thoughts and insights to share with you. In the meantime, check out the conversations in the Chosen Relationships and Separating and Divorcing forums, as you might find stories there you can relate to. The Toolbox section of the site also has lots of helpful articles that might explain some of the behaviors you experienced from your partner and give you ideas about strategies to protect yourself from further abuse. The article on Boundaries is always a good one; I know I personally didn't fully understand what boundaries were or how to implement them, until I started hanging out on this site.

Wishing you peace.

[notrightinthehead]

Welcome PrisonFood! You are amongst people who understand.

You have escaped your abuser for now,  there might be some hoovering coming soon- some insight, some promises to get help, some regrets or half hearted apologies. Are you prepared for this? Have you steeled yourself against giving into the temptation to fall into the trap again?

Are you getting help for yourself? Are you working on your Co-Dependency issues? Have you checked out the Toolbox? Especially what not to do.

There are two books I have found very helpful 'Why does he do that?' by Bancroft and 'Stop Caretaking the Borderline/Narcissist' by Fjelstad.

Let us know how you progress on your journey Out of the FOG. Maybe take a break for a little while and block all communication so that your mind and soul can get some peace to recover. Good luck and see you on the boards!