How was your process of freedom?

[peacepath_13]

Hello, good afternoon.

I am 25 years old and have a quite limiting life. I have been achieving many small accomplishments, but they are quite small. My big goal is to find a job and eventually move out, but it seems almost unattainable. Just the thought of saying that I want to find a job is painful because my mother will make me suffer for it, and it feels almost like a crime since it's the family business...
I would like to know a bit more about your life stories, from those who have gone through something similar, like being without a phone, lacking financial freedom, or the freedom to go out alone.
How did you manage to break free? What helped you the most?
What was that moment that gave you strength, and how did you maintain clarity in the process?

Thanks for all your time, i wish you the best

[Liketheducks]

My situation was quite different from yours.   My parents were SO dysfunctional at regular adulting that I felt I had no choice but to break free.   We were homeless, living in a camper, and I had just graduated high school.   A month prior, my father had pointed a gun at me, in a drunken rage.   And, my mother, after decades of him abusing her, me, and my siblings....took him back in.   I remember him smirking at me as he moved back into our camper.   When I saw that smirk, it felt like a switch within me was flipped.    I suddenly saw, while they were doing their best, they were both toxic in different ways.   I was a lightening bolt of "if I want to not turn out exactly like this....if I want to break the cycle of this....I have to GO and GO NOW.    I had to move back for a few months at 19, but worked 3 jobs to save money and not be at home while everyone else was around.   

After that, it was more of an emotional tether they had on me.   It's taken decades, but I'm so much happier.  I know that if I want to be happy....no one can make that happen for me.   I have to live my one and previous life on this earth to the fullest...and no one can do that for me.   

My husband and I have a family business.   Our son has no interest in that....and that is absolutely fine with us.   He also deserves to live his best life to the fullest.   

You are doing great making those small changes.   Keep doing that.   Avalanches start with snowflakes.   Do the next right thing.   You have all our support here.   

[NarcKiddo]

I had a whirlwind romance with a very unsuitable man, married him and was thrown out of the family. I wouldn't particularly recommend that route. He was actually unsuitable, not just in their opinion. The marriage did not last and I got sucked back into the family dynamics.

Maintaining clarity is very hard to do until you have some proper sense of self, rather than just being a cog in the family machine. I did not really start disengaging until my 40s. Disengaging mentally is tough and always provokes reaction from the family because any change you make in yourself affects their family machine. It cannot do otherwise. They expect you to be one way and all of a sudden you are showing signs of being another. They will react. Chances are you will not like how they react. In my experience it is pretty much necessary to accept "rock bottom" before you can find the strength and mental clarity to fight your way out. In other words, it is finding a realisation and acceptance that they will not change, your situation will not get better, and the only way to get out of that situation is for you to change.

I think it is excellent that you are making small changes, and these things do add up. A big part of it is that you start gaining confidence as you do more and more small things. Eventually I hope you will come to the realisation that not wanting to be part of the family business is not a crime. You do not owe the family that. You may currently realise with the logical part of your brain that it is not a crime, but as long as the emotional part of your brain feels it is a crime it will be tough to contemplate getting out.

Good luck.

[peacepath_13]

Hi.

Your life stories are really important to me, beacause  its like if i could show to my brain that change its possible, that it already happens to somebody, and it makes me fell hopefull and give me energy to look forward.
Its like you ve said, its like my rational mind knows whats true, but not the emotional one.

I wish you all the better for your lifes and for your own self improvment.

Your kindness its something amazing, its like if im not so lonely, you all warm up my heart, so my true thank you to you!

[mary_poppins]

Hi and I'm glad you found this online forum.

My experience is different from other people's experiences because I often took an 'extreme' approach to separating and leaving my toxic family behind.

In a nutshell this is how I did it, (plus all the failures along the way)

-I left home at 24 because I got into a master's degree program to study psychology in Northern Europe. I relocated there and started therapy after maybe a year of living in the new country. It took years for me to go minimal contact with my family but my therapist and online groups like this helped. In 2016, a family tragedy lead to heated family discussions which broke all my trust in my family and made me choose NC.

I went no contact and stayed like that until 2020, when the pandemic came.

-On March 2020 I resumed contact with my family. I knew I would resume contact because I was missing them and felt like an 'orphan'. Making friends was hard and I was traveling and not having stable, close relationships. Work was scarce, too but when Covid hit, work stopped which led to an inability to pay bills and my decision to go back to my country and live with my parents (it was for a short while in the beginning..)

-I stayed with my parents for two years. During this time I got A LOT of emotional, verbal and mental abuse. I was talked like I was a baby, incapable of doing anything. I was sometimes babied and othertimes parentified (weird). In these two years I worked my ass off to find a job anywhere but my country. I did find one and moved abroad, again. I stayed abroad for only 8 months, during this time I was in contact with my mom and, thanks to her, I developed low self-esteem and depression-which led to me losing my job and going back to my parents' home. (never ever resume contact, you will suffer double or triple for daring to say 'no' to them).

-I lived with my parents again, at their home for two years (same pattern, same behavior, same kind of abuse)-but this time I got a better, higher paying job in the same country I worked before I moved back.
So I moved abroad again. This time though I had a no contact plan in place. It worked.

Maybe two weeks after landing in the new country and starting work, I decided to block everyone in my family. Before NC, mom was toxic and stressful over the phone. She would often find an opportunity to criticize HOW I landed in the new country, that I should have done 'this' or 'that' instead and whatever I was doing there was stupid and inefficient (mind you, this woman has never even stepped outside her country, her only 'travel' is to the local supermarket by car since she doesn't want to bother walking everywhere-she lives in a small, walkable city). I was so pissed that she was criticizing how I was living my new life when every little new thing I was experiencing was fascinating and exciting to me that I blocked her.

I decided to keep contact with my two brothers but, of course, they started acting like flying monkeys and were giving narcissistic, abusive vibes as well. No one asked me if I liked where I was living, what kind of apartment I live in, how is work, how is my boss, etc. No one gave a shit. All they cared was THEM.
Their needs, their anxiety (they were all so anxious for me, so worried, LOL) and their health conditions.

Blocked my brothers as well. Losing siblings was something to be expected and I don't really miss anything about them. We had terrible relationships, we never really connected and if we did for a few times here and there, it felt like an 'accident'.

My life in the new country is amazing. I am excited each time I walk the streets, and can't believe that I did this and no one else. Work is good as well. Work keeps my mind occupied since it's intense and I work in healthcare with people who I got attached to. Everyone at work tries their best and I even made some friends and aquaintances. I feel loved, accepted and appreciated at work and in my every day life. I never felt that before. It's weird. I get so many compliments about myself and my personality, my looks.

No contact is the answer. Without it, I would have probably experienced a mental breakdown.

My advice is to do anything in your power to GET A JOB-and, this is important-AS FAR FROM YOUR FAMILY AS POSSIBLE. Get a job first and find accommodation second. -I did this and it worked.
Trust me that NPDs will have a hard time following you to your new location or even calling you if it's in another country-or state if you're in USA. NPDs are lazy and cheap so they won't make much effort to contact you or bring you back. They'll try to find a new supply once they lose sight of you. If they can't find a new supply (which I doubt), then they'll come back to you.

There are employers that offer 'relocation packages' on Indeed. Try looking for those. Get any job that you can do. In the beginning, having a fancy or even well-paying job doesn't matter. Being independent financially is crucial to you becoming free of them. Without money and control over your housing and bills, you'll remain stuck with them and dependent on them for anything. You are not stuck, you are capable and you will be able to succeed. Just write down an escape (no contact) plan (even if it's vague) and you'll be fine.

[peacepath_13]

Hi and I'm glad you found this online forum.

My experience is different from other people's experiences because I often took an 'extreme' approach to separating and leaving my toxic family behind.

In a nutshell this is how I did it, (plus all the failures along the way)

-I left home at 24 because I got into a master's degree program to study psychology in Northern Europe. I relocated there and started therapy after maybe a year of living in the new country. It took years for me to go minimal contact with my family but my therapist and online groups like this helped. In 2016, a family tragedy lead to heated family discussions which broke all my trust in my family and made me choose NC.

I went no contact and stayed like that until 2020, when the pandemic came.

-On March 2020 I resumed contact with my family. I knew I would resume contact because I was missing them and felt like an 'orphan'. Making friends was hard and I was traveling and not having stable, close relationships. Work was scarce, too but when Covid hit, work stopped which led to an inability to pay bills and my decision to go back to my country and live with my parents (it was for a short while in the beginning..)

-I stayed with my parents for two years. During this time I got A LOT of emotional, verbal and mental abuse. I was talked like I was a baby, incapable of doing anything. I was sometimes babied and othertimes parentified (weird). In these two years I worked my ass off to find a job anywhere but my country. I did find one and moved abroad, again. I stayed abroad for only 8 months, during this time I was in contact with my mom and, thanks to her, I developed low self-esteem and depression-which led to me losing my job and going back to my parents' home. (never ever resume contact, you will suffer double or triple for daring to say 'no' to them).

-I lived with my parents again, at their home for two years (same pattern, same behavior, same kind of abuse)-but this time I got a better, higher paying job in the same country I worked before I moved back.
So I moved abroad again. This time though I had a no contact plan in place. It worked.

Maybe two weeks after landing in the new country and starting work, I decided to block everyone in my family. Before NC, mom was toxic and stressful over the phone. She would often find an opportunity to criticize HOW I landed in the new country, that I should have done 'this' or 'that' instead and whatever I was doing there was stupid and inefficient (mind you, this woman has never even stepped outside her country, her only 'travel' is to the local supermarket by car since she doesn't want to bother walking everywhere-she lives in a small, walkable city). I was so pissed that she was criticizing how I was living my new life when every little new thing I was experiencing was fascinating and exciting to me that I blocked her.

I decided to keep contact with my two brothers but, of course, they started acting like flying monkeys and were giving narcissistic, abusive vibes as well. No one asked me if I liked where I was living, what kind of apartment I live in, how is work, how is my boss, etc. No one gave a shit. All they cared was THEM.
Their needs, their anxiety (they were all so anxious for me, so worried, LOL) and their health conditions.

Blocked my brothers as well. Losing siblings was something to be expected and I don't really miss anything about them. We had terrible relationships, we never really connected and if we did for a few times here and there, it felt like an 'accident'.

My life in the new country is amazing. I am excited each time I walk the streets, and can't believe that I did this and no one else. Work is good as well. Work keeps my mind occupied since it's intense and I work in healthcare with people who I got attached to. Everyone at work tries their best and I even made some friends and aquaintances. I feel loved, accepted and appreciated at work and in my every day life. I never felt that before. It's weird. I get so many compliments about myself and my personality, my looks.

No contact is the answer. Without it, I would have probably experienced a mental breakdown.

My advice is to do anything in your power to GET A JOB-and, this is important-AS FAR FROM YOUR FAMILY AS POSSIBLE. Get a job first and find accommodation second. -I did this and it worked.
Trust me that NPDs will have a hard time following you to your new location or even calling you if it's in another country-or state if you're in USA. NPDs are lazy and cheap so they won't make much effort to contact you or bring you back. They'll try to find a new supply once they lose sight of you. If they can't find a new supply (which I doubt), then they'll come back to you.

There are employers that offer 'relocation packages' on Indeed. Try looking for those. Get any job that you can do. In the beginning, having a fancy or even well-paying job doesn't matter. Being independent financially is crucial to you becoming free of them. Without money and control over your housing and bills, you'll remain stuck with them and dependent on them for anything. You are not stuck, you are capable and you will be able to succeed. Just write down an escape (no contact) plan (even if it's vague) and you'll be fine.

Hello again, Mary Poppins,

Thank you very much for sharing your experience.

I see that you suffered a lot in that process and that really keeping in touch, especially the act of returning after leaving, can make us get stuck in the system again.

I am so happy to know that you are finally having the life you deserve, with friends, peace, and personal fulfillment!

Without a doubt, getting a job is the first step; it's something I really want to have, my first job outside my parents' company. I will take all your advice into account.

Once again, thank you very much for your testimony.

I wish you much peace and light in your life.