How Do You Cope With Losing Contact With Your Family?

[CrisDi]

It's been ten weeks since I last spoke to my mother, even though before everything blew up, we were in touch every single day. When that connection ended, I also lost contact with her husband and my two brothers. To be honest, things with my brothers had already been one-sided for years. I was always the one trying to keep it alive.

I've started therapy, but it feels like I'm not really getting anywhere. I'm just so confused, so torn apart inside. Not having any contact with my family is unbearable. At the same time, I'm only now beginning to see that my mother might have a personality disorder, and that so many of the ways I've learned to behave probably came from that.

What hurts the most is being seen as the one who "turned away," when in truth it feels like I've been pushed into this place.

Do you have any advice for me?

[Rebel13]

Hi again CrisDi, I'm so sorry. I can hear how much you are hurting because of the troubles with your family.

One thing that helps me is to unpack, for myself, judgments like "unbearable." What does unbearable mean, specifically, for you? What are the thoughts and feelings you are having? What are the stories you were told about not being in touch with family? What are the stories you tell yourself? What do you worry about? What are you afraid will happen or not happen?

Sometimes writing this stuff down can help, or doing exercises in frameworks like cognitive behavioral therapy, for reframing thoughts, or dialectical behavioral therapy, for distress tolerance.

I also like the Youtube channel of Emma McAdam/Therapy in a Nutshell. She has playlists on reducing anxiety and processing emotions that might be helpful to you right now. Also check the Resources section of the forum for things other members recommend.

I'm wondering if part of your distress is that you've been taught it's up to you to make everything OK in your family. It sounds like you might be worried about being blamed by them for the distance or the conflicts. There are some good articles in the Toolbox section about related topics like the 3 Cs and the 50% and 51% rules that can help challenge the roles, beliefs and unrealistic, unfair expectations that were laid on us by our families.

If nothing else, maybe just take some deep breaths and tell yourself it's not an emergency. When you were a kid, your family had a lot of power over you and your daily experience, but they don't have that now. You are an adult, and you can take care of yourself and make your own decisions. You're not responsible for their decisions, feelings or needs. Give yourself time to process all that is happening for you. I have a sense you might be at the beginning of a big, long, and important process of re-examining a lot of things. You get to take the time and space you need to do that.

[TimetoHeal]

Hi, CrisDi,

Rebel's advice is so spot on, as usual.  You have a lot going on here, including learning to regulate negative emotions that you are feeling in a different way than rushing in to make everything OK.  And it's all so new!  So don't beat yourself up for not being where you want to be yet. 

Something that helps me, when I am worried about losing "family" is to remember that my mother and brother are not my only family or even my primary family anymore.  I no longer have a spouse, but my children are my family.  My close friends are my family, like the sisters I never had.  You have your son, your husband, and I'm sure others that you would consider family.  And realistically, although I'm sure it feels like it right now, you have not lost your mother, step father or brothers just because you are taking some time from them.  It's normal to take time from people.  You are just used to a much more frequent level of contact, which may have even been enmeshment.  So, it will take some adjustment for all involved. 

Tell yourself, I am okay.  I have done nothing wrong.  I am safe. 

[NarcKiddo]

Hi. I've read your introduction thread, too, with the details of what finally made things come to a head.

I am LC with my family so cannot advise on the main question you ask here. But I did want to touch on the therapy issue. You've been NC for ten weeks and you say you have started therapy, so I am assuming this is more recent than ten weeks ago. In my experience, therapy to untangle a lifetime of problems with a family of origin, takes a long time to get going. I am not surprised that you feel you are not getting anywhere yet. Of course it is possible that you have not found the right therapist but if you feel generally comfortable with your therapist, they are respectful and supportive and you do not feel that they are pushing you around rather than suggesting things to think about or approaches you could try then my advice would be to give the therapy more time. Our own psyche tends to protect us and in my case it prevented me from going too deep too fast. It also took a very long time for me even to trust the therapist enough to open up about my emotions - probably about 6 months before I really felt I might be getting somewhere.

[walking on broken glass]

Hi ChrisDi,

I am really sorry you are dealing with all this. You are in the right place though and I am glad you found us. Your situation has many similarities with mine: there was a recent episode with my mum, when she accused me and my husband of trying to steal her money right when my dad had died. My sister, who bas borderline and narcissistic traits, and with whom I haven't been in contact for a year or so, is fully enmeshed with my mum and is poisoning her mind against me every day. I initially tried to defend myself against the accusations - my mum of course the next day behaved as nothing had ever happened - and eventually I told her I can't go visit her after the things she said (she was ill with cancer which made everything more difficult). She lashed out even more, denied having said some things and insisted on the validity of others, and she's now full on promoting the narrative that my husband is controlling and is alienating me from my family. There is no other member in the family that will take my side; I am fully scapegoated. So I can really feel your pain. It takes a while to get used to this new version of you, the one that doesn't twist herself into a pretzel to make your family happy, resolve their problems and regulate their emotions. They have to learn to do that for themselves, as we have to learn to let go. And if you are prone to jumping into the fire like me, it's a hard thing to master. You did very well by leaving when your mom and brother became abusive, and you were absolutely right to set boundaries with your mum. No one, especially your family, should be allowed to treat you this way. I would advise you to not hurry to make a decision now about the level of contact you want with your mum in the future. Take your distance and see how it goes. Maybe you will discover that your life is actually more peaceful when you are in very low contact or no contact with her and your brother. Maybe this episode was a wake up call to show you that you couldn't go on as you were before. I haven't decided yet whether I don't want to talk to my mum at all or I want to keep some kind of contact with her. But I know that she won't change and she will certainly never agree to my reality.

Keep writing to us here. I hope therapy will help you with both the emotional and the practical side of things.

[Tribe16]

What hurts the most is being seen as the one who "turned away," when in truth it feels like I've been pushed into this place.

Hi CrisDi,

I read your intro post as well. I'll chime in because there are similarities to my story. One thing you mentioned was that your mother's story and your story are vastly different. I will say that my mother often rewrote history. She swore up and down that I said things that I know that I didn't because - it wasn't me. Those words had never occured to me before, it wasn't the way I spoke. I really believe that she convinced herself that I do the things that she accuses me of because they are things that she is projecting, and her ego can't handle her own behavior. Maybe this is going on with your mother. The fact that you asked for a simple act of mutual respect - that is a valid request, non-offensive, non-confrontational, perfectly reasonable - and she won't respond with a "of course" or "yes" - says so much more about her character than yours. I asked the same of my mother and also got crickets.

It is probably much easier for your mother to pin blame on you than be accountable for her actions. I would guess that 99% of us here, have been blamed for estrangement, low contact, lack of communication and everything under the sun by a bunch of unaccountable family members who have a personality disorder - because that's what Cluster B's do. It's textbook.

It's so hard to wrap our brains around it in the beginning. We are shocked. We are stunned. We can't believe this has happened to us with, in your case and in mine, the one person who you always assumed loved you unconditionally and would always be there for you. We don't want to believe this may not be the case. But their ego is and will always be their #1 priority. The longer you are in therapy, the more books you read about personality disorders, the more blogs you read, the more YouTube videos you watch, the more quizzes you take, the more narcissistic checkboxes you fill out - you realize THIS PERSON IS DIFFICULT AND INCAPABLE OF CHANGING and it was never your fault. And you never deserved to be treated like this. And if you're like me you went a really long time thinking this is normal behavior, until it got so bad and you got so stressed out by it, you realized you can't go on the way things are. Something has to give.

Unfortunately, the giving will never come from the disordered person. It is us that has to change.

There have been days where I didn't think I could breathe. That I couldn't survive no contact. That was trauma bonding. That was enmeshment and codependency. But I have survived. And two things can be true - I can miss my mom. I can grieve that we are not in each other's lives anymore. And I can be at peace because I know I don't have to do 90% of the emotional gymnastics to keep the relationship going anymore.

My mother completely rejected me by the way she treated me. Yet she will play the victim and tell other family members she doesn't understand. You'll have to get used to not caring about your mom's narrative, because there will be little you can do about it. Apply Dr. Seuss' saying "People who mind don't matter and people who matter don't mind" when it comes to you and the choices you make.

One thing that helped me a lot in therapy, was finding a therapist that is "trauma-informed". Sometimes you have to go to 2 or 3 or 4 until you find the one that is a good fit. Please get yourself the book, "Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents" by Lindsay C. Gibson. That was a lifesaver for me. She has second book "Self Care for Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents". Watch her videos on YouTube. She is one of the best experts out there IMHO.

This is a hard journey, there are many here who have been where you are now and we support you and understand the yuckiness of it. It does get better. Wishing you knowledge, growth, peace, love and hope for a bright future as you navigate this storm.

[mary_poppins]

Hi CrisDi.

No, I have no advice because, unlike you, I feel no sadness and no confusion. I am glad I cut those horrible people out of my life. I actually hope to never see them again. Perhaps you are new to the topic of personality disorder which is why it may feel like cutting ties is hurtful to you. Have you read or researched about narcissistic personality disorder or borderline personality disorder? I found that education is extremely therapeutical, in the sense that it will make you feel heard and understood. It's not your fault that your mom is like that and it's def not your duty to put up with her as long as she wants.

Any person who harms you emotionally, mentally or/and physically should not have access to you. This includes family memers as well. I found this to be a good boundary.

[My New Life]

For several years, I felt like I was floating - untethered.  I was no longer held in the gravitational pull of a dysfunctional family, and I did not really know how to "be."  Life with a parent with a personality disorder, means a life of CONSTANT drama.  Blow-ups, grievances, anxiety, fear, pain, and always trying to fix things and heal oneself.  It is exhausting. 

When I finally went NC (in my 50's) I found myself immersed in tremendous guilt, fear, pain, and anxiety.  I had to mentally stop myself from rushing back in to fix things.  To fix her - a person who refused to help herself.  Some days the conflict between family loyalty and self-preservation raged within me, but each day, I came to the same conclusion:  the only thing worse than staying NC with my mom, was going back into relationship with her. 

With time and distance, I realized how dysfunctional she (and my whole FOO) was. 

I did counseling.  I wrote in this forum.  I read up on the subject of personality disorders, specifically NPD, and I sat with the discomfort, because there was no escape.  After a year or two, I began to feel more comfortable with myself and my decisions.  I realized I was much happier spending the holidays with friends and distant family members than surrounded in the crazy of my mother's presence.  I sent my mother a bouquet of flowers for her Bday, Mother's Day, and Christmas.  The flowers helped assuage my guilt a little. 

Everyone's journey is so different, but the commonality is, it has a beginning and an end.  You have been forced to make an impossible decision.  You have made it.  Focus on healing yourself and your family.  Promise yourself, you will revisit your decision in X amount of time, but in the mean time you will not obsess about it.  You will come out the other side.  I promise.  Blessings!

[Call Me Cordelia]

What a great post, MNL!

I wholeheartedly have felt this: The only thing worse than being completely cut off is going back.

I went NC as a "break" until such time as we would be able to work things out maturely. Little did I know at the time just how utterly impossible that would be, and that I had just triggered an all out war to the death against me! I too have lost contact with my siblings as collateral, but like you it was already very one-sided with them. I felt I had no choice. I was very sick and my parents' abuse of me was really ramping up to extreme levels and I just could not have that and get physically better! To this day I don't think they wanted me to get better. We'd dealt with Munchausen by proxy in my young years and having a scapegoat who was truly ill was like candy to them. I didn't put that together for a year or more, but it fits. I never want to go back to that!

In the immediate aftermath, and after a lifetime I think ten weeks is still early days, I was a wreck. My folks intermittently went stalker-style, so I was in constant fear of them turning up and making things awful for my kids. I did not actually miss them, I missed the illusion that I had some measure of support and normalcy, although I was well aware of their limitations and they were endlessly frustrating even at their best.

I also got into therapy, and the talk therapy was what I needed at first just to get to a place of feeling like I wasn't going to just die. There are harder-hitting modalities for healing trauma, but I think even in therapy we absolutely have to be gentle with ourselves! After it was clear that I was not going to have to fight my folks in court, and I got to breathe a bit, then I "graduated" to EMDR.

I hope sharing a bit of my story is helpful to you.