Holidays rolling around and getting that old familiar longing...

Tribe16 · November 15, 2025, 11:09:41 PM

My question is... has anybody on this forum gone from no contact with an elderly parent to re-establishing a somewhat stabilized, if not close relationship with their parent? Why do I ask? It's the holidays and those heartstrings are feeling pulled, not by anything my mother has done - truthfully she makes no effort. I know I cannot expect her to change, really working hard on radical acceptance, not really feeling guilt, not sure what I'm feeling. I will probably do what I did last year which is technically NOT no contact, which is send a small box with a card and several of her favorite holiday treats, not expecting anything in return. She doesn't acknowledge it or wish me a Merry Christmas, but that's on her. Her choice. I guess I do it because it makes me feel better than not doing it. I don't want her to feel forgotten at Christmas. And my Christmas is full, with love from my family and friends. So even if she doesn't acknowledge me, there's something inside of me that wants to behave differently than she does. I probably sound mixed up and weird.

Last year I sent a package early in December and then let it go, and didn't dwell too much more on it. Part of me is saying, "why bother", then the other part of me says, "because you aren't like her." As far as no contact, we haven't any kind of conversation in over a year. I don't plan on calling or texting, but a card and cookies and chocolate feels safer. I wish her well in my prayers and tell myself we'll see how things feel in 2026 if I keep doing this or not.

I read about the parents who cross boundaries and pester their kids to death, my mother is the polar opposite. As I said, no effort whatsoever. For anyone who's experienced something similar, did things ever turn around for you? I think my mother has way too much pride to ever reach out to me.

Liketheducks · November 16, 2025, 07:34:58 AM

I really identify with your post. My mom makes no effort to be in our lives. She expects me to maintain the relationship and then acts in such a way that you'd wonder why anyone would want to go through the effort.

Literally, last night we decided to have the upcoming holidays just with a quiet gathering of our FOC.

I do send a small gift...and she usually sends me one. But, mostly, I do that for me...to make myself feel better. We've exchanged two text messages in 11 months. Our son told me last night "why bother when grandma seems to hate me". It is heartbreaking to me....but it is what it is.

Tribe16 · November 16, 2025, 01:07:26 PM

Quote from: Liketheducks on November 16, 2025, 07:34:58 AMI really identify with your post. My mom makes no effort to be in our lives. She expects me to maintain the relationship and then acts in such a way that you'd wonder why anyone would want to go through the effort.

Literally, last night we decided to have the upcoming holidays just with a quiet gathering of our FOC.

I do send a small gift...and she usually sends me one. But, mostly, I do that for me...to make myself feel better. We've exchanged two text messages in 11 months. Our son told me last night "why bother when grandma seems to hate me". It is heartbreaking to me....but it is what it is.

Thanks LTD, I'm working on not being heartbroken. This has been going on for awhile and I guess I'm still going through some grief for what I wished I had vs. what reality is. I can relate to your "doing it for me". My therapist once told me to only send a gift if it feels right for me and don't base it on my mother's approval or reactions, or lack thereof. So I am and I do. I hope you thoroughly enjoy your holidays with your FOC.

walking on broken glass · November 16, 2025, 07:06:49 PM

That's a tough one.
My mum probably falls somewhere in-between. When I first made clear I didn't want to talk to her, about three months ago, she went ballistic and was calling me non stop. Eventually she sent me a message to say that 'when I want to talk, she will be there and nobody will ever love me more than her' and then didn't try to contact me again. So she is not an avid chaser and she definitely loves the silent treatment - she used it a lot on my dad.

My situation is rather fresh so I am still at the stage of processing everything (if that ever stops) and feeling anger towards her for the way she behaved. I am consciously shutting down any feelings of sadness and guilt when they come. I plan to block her number during the holidays in case she decides to get in touch. I really don't want to hear her voice. I know my sister will be there and the rest of the extended family is around so she won't be on her own and she will be looked after. That lessens my guilt. I have decided, even though I haven't communicated it to her, that I won't talk to her unless she acknowledges what she said to me and the harm she has caused (I am not holding my breath).

So I guess reestablishing some kind of contact after being NC is possible but it will have to be on your mother's terms rather than yours. Since she is avoidant, you will have to do the chasing and you will have to be ok with not receiving the love and attention you deserve. It is a matter of what is the lesser of two evils: be NC and feel sad and guilty sometimes or be LC and feel frustrated? No matter what you do, there will always be a voice in your head asking the question 'am I handling this right?' I don't think it ever goes away completely but it does become muffled when you feel more secure in your decision.

I am sorry. It's so unfair that we are being put in this position.

Liketheducks · November 17, 2025, 07:17:56 AM

I think my biggest fear at this point is that she shows up uninvited. From where I sit, she often seems to feel entitled to a relationship with us, but refuses to make any effort. I wouldn't put it past her to just show up and create a scene. So, turkey meal planning will also have to include how I plan to deal with that if it happens. Sure does add an unnecessary negativity to what should be a happy time.

walking on broken glass · November 17, 2025, 01:18:15 PM

I am sorry, Like the ducks. Is this something she has done before? Hopefully she will make other plans and leave you alone.

Liketheducks · November 17, 2025, 08:57:50 PM

Yes, sadly it is. She's shown up at my and my brother's places of work and demanded why we're not in relationship in the past. Massive drama, massive scene. I'm practicing...."sorry, If you want to get together....I'm open to that, but I have other plans today" on repeat.

Lillith65 · November 19, 2025, 02:43:36 PM

My advice? Do what you are comfortable with. As children of parents with personality disorders we often become over analytical of our own and other's behaviour as well as being highly attuned to other's desires and needs.
Try not to second guess and analyse what to do. Spend time thinking about what will work for you and then do just that.

Liketheducks · November 19, 2025, 05:41:27 PM

Thanks Lilith....yes, guilty as charged. Over analyzing is my superpower. I know if she does show up....which isn't a given....it will likely suck. For me having a plan for the suckage makes me feel better. I'll likely also ask my husband to help step in to help me hold that boundary if it comes to that.

I'm honestly looking forward to spending it with family without drama.

walking on broken glass · November 20, 2025, 04:41:24 AM

QuoteFor me having a plan for the suckage makes me feel better.

I do this all the time! I rehearse dialogues and predict reactions. Sadly, with the kind of families we have, you need to be prepared to deal with a crisis.

Blueberry Pancakes · November 20, 2025, 11:09:58 AM

Tribe - It is tough this time of year when all around you see images of shiny, happy families gathered around in cozy scenes in harmony.

To answer your question if anyone has gone NC, then re-established it in any stabilized manner even if not being close, I can reply to the first part of the question as a "yes". I was NC, then re-established to VLC with elderly parents. The second part of the question about being stable even if not close - no. It was never anything "stable". It was erratic. It never felt close or calm. It was never good. I regretted it.

I think it was about head over heart for me. Instead of my heart, I followed my head. I wish I had stayed with what my heart was telling me. I was following behaviors that seemed like the right thing to do at the time, but I came to know it was not right for me.

What I did not anticipate was that when I received absolutely nothing from anyone in response, I felt abandoned. When I heard my efforts had been mocked by them, I felt betrayed. I thought I was beyond feeling hurt by them, but I realized I was not. (So, quickly resumed NC where I remain.)

This is so complex. Take your time and sit with this decision and do what gives you peace. Thinking of you.

Tribe16 · January 26, 2026, 03:15:38 PM

Quote from: Blueberry Pancakes on November 20, 2025, 11:09:58 AMI think it was about head over heart for me. Instead of my heart, I followed my head. I wish I had stayed with what my heart was telling me. I was following behaviors that seemed like the right thing to do at the time, but I came to know it was not right for me.

What I did not anticipate was that when I received absolutely nothing from anyone in response, I felt abandoned. When I heard my efforts had been mocked by them, I felt betrayed. I thought I was beyond feeling hurt by them, but I realized I was not. (So, quickly resumed NC where I remain.)

This is so complex. Take your time and sit with this decision and do what gives you peace. Thinking of you.

I realized I never responded to this Blueberry Pancakes, thank you for your thoughtful response.

I did send the small package, pics of the grandkids (her greats), I didn't bother with homemade this time around (which is my love language!), just some good coffee and a couple of favorite store-bought treats I know she likes. As expected, not a peep. 2026 I am dropping the rope and any further attempts at contact. It's time.