P.S. to the Thanksgiving invitation to my friend

[countrygirl]

Hello,

Thought I would send this postscript, because it is a good example of how difficult dealing with my friend is.

For the past two days, she has told me about digestive problems she's been having.  She went to the drugstore for OTC. She is on the BRAT diet. Went to the grocery for applesauce, but worried that she was too sick to make it and went home.  I have been empathetic, and have made suggestions for care. 

At the end of a conversation late this afternoon, she said she didn't think she would be able to attend Thanksgiving.  I calmly told her that I had assumed this would be the case. I mean, the trip here is longer than the trip to the grocery, not to mention that we are having a rich meal, which is not the best thing for someone who is ill enough to be eating the BRAT diet. So imagine my shock when she said, "But I might be better tomorrow.  You know how that can be."  Actually, I don't.  I can understand feeling better the next day, but I wouldn't think it was a good idea to have a large holiday meal. But I said it would be fine to let me know in the morning.

She then asked what time the meal would be. One-thirty or two. "Good," she said, "that gives me time to decide."  When will that be:  One-twenty-nine? 

So, the saga continues. After hearing about her problems for the past two days, I was virtually certain she would not be attending.  Part of me feels that she made up the issues, in order to have an out.

I hope everyone has a great day, with pleasant company. My friend will be pleasant company, should she decide to grace us.





 

[walking on broken glass]

Hi country girl,
I think you are feeling some resentment towards your friend. It's not a judgement, you have the right to be exasperated and resentful with her; just an observation. I think you are not letting yourself feel and admit that, in the spirit of wanting to be polite and accommodating towards your friend. I have done this many times, suppress frustration, and I can say that even though you minimise it in your head as not a big deal, it's hard to let it go and it builds up - exactly because you haven't expressed yourself and shown how you really felt. It's a tricky one because you want her there but her behaviour bugs you. I can see three options for the future: a) you invite her, knowing how she will behave and you decide she's a wild card and won't let it get to you. But you only invite her once and don't discuss it with her again, b) you don't invite her, c) you invite her but you tell her very honestly that her indecisiveness every year gets to you and makes you feel you are a low priority for her, and ask her if there's a particular reason she cannot make up her mind. This will give her the opportunity to explain how she thinks and feels, if she is willing to do so.

[GoodPesto]

Hi countrygirl,

what WOBG wrote I think is very good advice. From what you are describing, I also see a dance that TWO people are dancing. I am positive you'll figure out how to entangle this dynamic if that's what you would like to do. You got this.

[countrygirl]

Hi walking on broken glass and Good Pesto,

First, I must say that I like both of your user names. I wish I could figure out how to change mine. I took it when I was planning a move to the country, which never happened. And now whenever I see it, I imagine someone in coveralls, not that there's anything wrong with coveralls, but they don't fit now, so to speak!

Well, my friend called late morning to say she wasn't going to come over, because she thought it was too soon after her stomach upset. She said she felt better, but didn't think she should risk it.  One of my friends said he was glad she wasn't coming, because she might have a nasty norovirus which is making the rounds.

I normally speak with my "invited friend" in the afternoon, and she said we didn't have to talk this afternoon, since she knew our meal was going to be in the early afternoon.  But I said I'd check in later.

She seemed perfectly fine when I talked with her, making me feel that she made up the whole stomach issue so that she would have an out if she decided to take one.  I hope this doesn't make me seem callous (sp?); it just means that I know her.

And I figured out why she did this "dance"--with a tip of the hat to Good Pesto here.  She is fixated on her sister, who live in a different time zone.  Normally, she would talk to her later in the day, but  that her sister and her family were going to spend the day with some cousins (my friend said she was glad she wouldn't be there), and wouldn't be home until too late to talk.  (If you are still reading this, I hope you aren't nodding off!) She was definitely talking with her sister during the time she would have been here--because it's three hours earlier where her sister lives. 

I think she waited to give me a decision until she knew when she and her sister would be talking. 

I don't care if she talks to her sister ten hours per day, but I don't like having my plans put on the back burner. I have spoken to her about this in the past, but it has done no good. (Another friend, who is close with her two sisters, says this relationship is pathological. I tell you this just to illustrate how weird it truly is.)

At any rate, yes, Good Pesto, it takes two to tango.  And I think walking on broken glass has good suggestions.  Right now, I think that the next time I invite her to do something, I am going to tell her that issuing invitations to her makes me nervous, because she leaves me on tenterhooks, that I would like her to accept or decline, and not protract the decision.

Thank you for replying and taking my concerns seriously. Sometimes I think that friendship get short shrift in comparison to romantic relationships and family relationships, but our friends sustain us--or that is the hope! I think there is little room in my friend's life for anyone but her sister.

[walking on broken glass]

It sounds like she has a very unhealthy relationship with her sister but that's not your concern. Your friendship is though and how she treats you! I think you have a good plan in place for the future. Hopefully she will be encouraged to look at her patterns and adjust.

[Catothecat]

So she was using her stomach "issue" as an excuse after all.  Her sister was her main concern.  Why didn't she just say so?

Seems like she's aware of how problematic the relationship is but doesn't want others to know.  Feeling the need to come up with an excuse indicates this.  Yet others know.  And I agree that the best thing to do is set up some ground rules about invitations and be firm with them.  You have to be able to effectively plan.  She should understand that.

I really hate it when someone makes an excuse I know is an excuse, rather than telling me the truth, because it comes across as condescending.  If you don't want to do something, just say so!  No need for a BS explanation.  That was what broke apart my friendship with the person I mentioned.  It was excuse after excuse to the point of ridiculousness.  Other friends still put up with her and thus enable her, but I'm not doing it any more.  And I was really sorry to lose her as a friend because I've known her for decades and even lived with her at one point. 

I hope your friend someday realizes how valuable you are to her, probably more so than her sister, because you're the person actually there, in front of her face.  Seems too many people take friends for granted, like we'll always be there, until we're not. 

[countrygirl]

Thank you for your replies, walking on broken glass and Catothecat.  Hope you had a good holiday!

Yes, I am resolved to speak to my friend before issuing another invitation.  Thank you for your help. And I will be using it quickly, because now Christmas is right around the corner!   

And, yes, her behavior is transparent.  I agree with you, Catothecat, that I am the one who is here for her, not her sister. In fact, for some years, the sister's husband had a job which took him away from home for long periods, and during that time, my friend saw the sister more than usual.  But then the husband quit that job, and now there has been no visiting at all. But I have been here through it all.

I am sorry that you had to let the friendship go, Catothecat. I always feel as if I'm being played for a fool by this friend, even though she knows I know what is really going on, because I have told her. Yet she treats me as if she is pulling one over on me, as your friend does with the ridiculous excuses. I think their behaviors are "beyond" them; they are compulsive reactions.

Some years ago, I entered into a friendship with a very intelligent, interesting woman, who would always invite me to do things with her and who would always have long phone conversations with me.  But she would NEVER call me.  I always had to call her.  I don't weigh who does what all that carefully, but I did notice this!  Finally, I spoke about it to a mutual friend who'd known her forever. She told me that this is how this person behaved with everyone.  I said that I really didn't like it. "None  of us do," the mutual friend said.  I just stopped calling her, because I was unwilling to be a supplicant.  That was that, we never spoke again!  She was definitely the most interesting person I knew in that town, but I found a preferred normal give and take over weirdly controlling behavior. I could tell that this person liked me, but that wasn't enough.

I think it's good that you are not going to enable your friend anymore, even though she's someone for whom you cared.  If you are like me in this regard, it reaches a point where you don't have much choice, because you can't tolerate such bad behavior. And you're right that the other women are enabling her behavior. 

Have you ever noticed how the person who behaves the worst in a group is the one who gets the most attention, and how others try to work around the behavior?  In regard to Thanksgiving, the other couple of friends just said yes, then asked what they could bring and we had a good time.  Meanwhile, so much of my attention was focused on my difficult friend.  Someone should write a book called "My Difficult Friend," in contrast to "My Brilliant Friend."     

[Rebel13]

I think their behaviors are "beyond" them; they are compulsive reactions.

Ding ding ding! Yes, this. I have just started to realize this with my friend, two years into being back in regular touch with her. (We live far apart so only communicate by phone, email, and video chat.) My trouble is, partly because of the distance, I have believed what she SAYS, rather than what she DOES. But over the past few weeks something changed in her life and I realized how caught up she is in her own mental grooves.

Have you ever noticed how the person who behaves the worst in a group is the one who gets the most attention, and how others try to work around the behavior? 

So true, and then if you call it out, YOU'RE the bad one. I was just thinking about this dynamic when reading WOBG's thread about her aunt.

Someone should write a book called "My Difficult Friend," in contrast to "My Brilliant Friend."     

LOL I think someone did write this book. It's "Truth and Beauty" by Anne Patchett.

Glad your holiday was good countrygirl!

[countrygirl]

Hi Rebel13,

One reason I post here is that I need to talk with people who understand what trying to navigate through these relationships is like.  And it sounds as if you do get it. 

Of course it is definitely true that when you have a long distance friend it is easier to believe what they say, rather than what they do.  In the case of my difficult friend, I think I WANT to believe what she says over what she does, but long experience has taught me that her actions don't change, no matter what she says. Of course, I am somewhat the same, because I continue to see through the fog, but find changing very difficult--as do most people. Change is hard. 

I love Anne Patchett, and may reread "Truth and Beauty" now.  With a good writer, you can keep finding hidden depth each time you reread the book.  It helps if YOUR perceptions have expanded since the previous read, of course.  Frankly, I'm beginning to feel that MY understanding of people has deepened to some extent, but now what needs to happen is not perception, but action.