separate from PD wife

[Pablo]

I am with my wife now 7 years, we have 2 children 7 & 5 years old.

She sometimes brings the whole load of negative emotions - it is about worries that sth may go wrong - but these are as well being nervous and humiliating to other family members (treating with silence, blaming, controlling ). Without an issue and she just  could get nervous / unhappy and share her bad energry among me & kids.

We had multiple conversations about keeping emotions and about talking to kids but it looks she still is not able to change her behaviour and so overloads me and kids, she rejects all my requests to work on her nerves, I proposed that she goes to therapy on her own, or we together but she all rejects.

The most impacting to me is when she explodes, start screaming, and then I after some time I start talking to her - then she replies "I do not want to talk with you" or start gaslightning why she had the reason to start be nervous or calling myself or kids.

Just today dish washing machine turned to be broken and so she exlpoded shouting "fuck", and so I asked her to stop and not do this around kids and she shouted then at me "shut your trap" so I responded and she started calling me motherfuckers..

I feel helpless but as well more and more ready to take some more revolutional step. What I am the most afraid is her reaction and how kids will go through this. I see reasonable chance that when she sees I am ready to leave she adjusts. But she could be as well cruel and be vindictive and start playing using kids

Please give me advice or redirect to guys who had similar experience

[bloomie]

Pablo - welcome to Out of the FOG. What a tough situation you are in with kids in the home that you are entrusted to protect from outbursts, verbal abuse, and generally disruptive behaviors. Thank you for sharing a bit of what brings you here.

We have a toolbox at the drop down above that is so helpful. The traits information has a do/don't section for each trait you can identify you are experiencing in your wife's behaviors. There are other online resources found here: Online Resources and book recommendations here: Out of the FOG Book Reviews.

Those are good jumping in places to get some tools in your tool belt. One thing we are sure about is that we put children first.  You can bet that your children are absorbing all of the stress and out of control behaviors they are witnessing.

Getting in real life support for yourself and your kiddos as you make decisions going forward from a therapist, spiritual advisor, mentor or other wise older couple is another way to find the best way forward.

We have a couple of different boards where the insights and conversations would be of good help to you. Take a look around and see what is the best fit for your situation and when you are ready, join in!

I am thankful you are reaching out for support. You are dealing with a lot and it is important to know you are not alone!

[zad7242]

Pablo,

So sorry you are going through this. I'm not in much of the advice giving stage, but your situation sounds very familiar if it helps you to know you are not alone by any means. I'll keep my details short here, but I have been married for 4 years and we have a few kids, both had children from previous relationships. I face screaming and name calling on an almost daily basis all in front of the kids - of course if I improved as a husband and father, she wouldn't have to scream.  She cut her own family off and uses emotional abuse to keep me away from my parents.

I am on the edge of the swimming pool ready to jump into the deep end and tell her we need serious help to right the ship or need to consider separation etc, or at least agreeing to be civil and divorce once the kids are older. I always have a reason why its "not the right time" to make my move to end the cycle of chaos. I have found this site to be tremendously helpful along my path. Take care! 

[notrightinthehead]

Welcome! In addition to the advice you have already been given - check out the Toolbox:

https://outofthefog.website/toolbox-intro

[Pablo]

Pablo,

So sorry you are going through this. I'm not in much of the advice giving stage, but your situation sounds very familiar if it helps you to know you are not alone by any means. I'll keep my details short here, but I have been married for 4 years and we have a few kids, both had children from previous relationships. I face screaming and name calling on an almost daily basis all in front of the kids - of course if I improved as a husband and father, she wouldn't have to scream.  She cut her own family off and uses emotional abuse to keep me away from my parents.

I am on the edge of the swimming pool ready to jump into the deep end and tell her we need serious help to right the ship or need to consider separation etc, or at least agreeing to be civil and divorce once the kids are older. I always have a reason why its "not the right time" to make my move to end the cycle of chaos. I have found this site to be tremendously helpful along my path. Take care! 

Thanks for

Pablo,

So sorry you are going through this. I'm not in much of the advice giving stage, but your situation sounds very familiar if it helps you to know you are not alone by any means. I'll keep my details short here, but I have been married for 4 years and we have a few kids, both had children from previous relationships. I face screaming and name calling on an almost daily basis all in front of the kids - of course if I improved as a husband and father, she wouldn't have to scream.  She cut her own family off and uses emotional abuse to keep me away from my parents.

I am on the edge of the swimming pool ready to jump into the deep end and tell her we need serious help to right the ship or need to consider separation etc, or at least agreeing to be civil and divorce once the kids are older. I always have a reason why its "not the right time" to make my move to end the cycle of chaos. I have found this site to be tremendously helpful along my path. Take care! 

Thanks for the message Jr. Member. That actually helps very much to feel not being alone. I totally understand you that there is never a perfect timing to make a hard cut, especially when kids are already around and if you have only a bit of empathy.

I do not have such bad experience experience every day but on random once a week or once every 2 weeks, especially on weekends

I am now at the stage to tighten and tighten my expectations step by step being prepared for push back - sometimes it helps shorterm to re-set the balance. The worst case is that it is so easy in psychology that she will just do all what you will allow her - and unfortunately all good intentions and trying to resolve are only used against such person. Let's stay in touch.

[Pablo]

Welcome! In addition to the advice you have already been given - check out the Toolbox:

https://outofthefog.website/toolbox-intro

Welcome! In addition to the advice you have already been given - check out the Toolbox:

https://outofthefog.website/toolbox-intro

Thanks notrightinthehead, that is helpful, I am already after reading some books, I just need more and more self-discipline to reduce all negative effects to absolute minimum