How to get past the injustice

[thefivewhysguy]

Hi, this is my first post here, though I read plenty in the 2020-2022 timeframe when I was really going through it.  I guess I'm writing now because I thought by now I'd be really out of the situation and have healed.

Abbreviated story, perhaps enough?  c-PTSD-suffering M, after 10 years in codependent relationship, then marriage with BPD-suffering woman (during which time she does not work or make any money) is manipulated into going to an in-patient rehab, during which time she arranges things to file for divorce, make off with house, business, cat, friends... none of which she paid for in the slightest.  Somehow entire social group thinks she is a self-made millionaire "saint", and I am a POS abuser who "almost stole everything from her" (none of which is remotely true).

I did not find this site or even understand anything about codependency or PD until, during the divorce, my therapist pointed me to the BPD page here. It completely blew my mind, but at that point it was too late.

Now that it's 4 years later after the final final divorce being over with, M (me) can't shake these daily intrusive thoughts about how unjust the whole situation was. I honestly just want to move on with my life but multiple times a day I find myself spiraling into these thought patterns of how I could somehow convince her to admit it, or convince some former friend or another what the truth of the situation was.

I'm financially stable (finally), but the blows to my career and having bet everything on a business the two of us started (but she somehow ended up owning from a legal point of view, while I owned all the associated debt) were a massive hole to dig myself out of, not to mention having to start a new social group from scratch.  My therapist says to just keep going and I'm doing really well, but the injustice of what happened in that relationship and marriage haunts me, daily.

Has anyone experienced this?  How did you heal or move forward?

[escapingman]

In short, however much it sucks, you have to accept what happened to you and take it on the chin (I know), learn from it so it never happens again and move on.

 

[Rebel13]

Hi guy,

Here are a couple of videos that might help? I really liked her three-step approach to constructively working with regret in the second video.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H95xEa3XjG4
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ecocjuUgX24

[skybox]

It's definitely unjust - and feels like brick to carry around

One thing that helped me- réalising I had to forgive myself for getting into it, for not leaving.

Forgiving yourself, knowing you did your best, it wasn't your fault - they would be just the same to anyone.  You deserve a rest.

[hhaw]

TFWG:

It's more difficult to overcome trauma, IME, when faced with ongoing loss, defamation, and humiliation l, outside one's control, IME.

Neeeeeding understanding....
needing the truth to be understood....is a very human need.

I was lucky to receive a referral to a licenced clinical mental health counselor with extensive training in processing trauma, out of the limbic system, and into historic files, where it belongs. It involves understanding the biochemistry of fight, flight, freeze and fawn survival brain, which shuts down access to one's frontal cortex......trauma can't be processed unless the brain is calmed, integrated and online. Anyone can learn how to do this.

My therapist is a student in Zen and Dzogchen tradition.  Her toolbox includes:
 EMDR/eye movement desensitization and reprocessing-
AIT/advanced integrative therapy-
ART/accelerated resolution therapy-
EFT/emotional freedom technique-

My therapist, has her own therapist, which helps keep her ego out of our sessions.  This is seachange, for me.

I see practitioners use the phrase "somatic" practices.  I've had sessions with many, but a full toolbox, ability to be fully present, express compassion through consistent eye contact, and zero defensiveness/ego involvement, to overcome the patient's defenses. and whatever pace they require, is overtly important, IME.

Our sessions began with awareness of my internal world, and how and where it showed up in the body.

If my wounded and protective parts resisted one therapy, my therapist switched approaches, quickly, without skipping a beat....she found a way around the resistance, mostly.

I got lucky and found a therapist perfectly suited to me.

If you're considering therapy, do your research, interview many, and choose someone you believe in.

You don't have to live in the battlefield of the injustices done to you.

You can create distance....
"get your nose off the pebble, as my therapist says.  Then the trauma/pebble becomes just another pebble in the field....not the only one you see.

I hope that's helpful.

[Associate of Daniel]

Thefivewhysguy, may I just say, first off - well done to you for turning your finances around in such a few short years!  I know it probably didn't/doesn't feel like it was short, but compared with many others in similar situations, it is.  You did an amazing job.

Secondly - sorry for all that happened to you. It's awful.

Thirdly - (take this with or without a grain of salt, because I'm only just at the end of a Diploma of Counselling and not by any means a professional) - the therapy that comes to mind which may be helpful for you is ACT Acceptance and Commitment Therapy).  That and role playing with your therapist the types of conversations you want to have with your ex and previous friends.

There is also CBT but that works more with changing negative thoughts rather than accepting them and living comfortably with them.

Wishing you all the best.

AOD