Parental Alienation/Preference of Children

[zad7242]

Hello all,

So I am on the doorstep of telling my uBPDw that we need to change our toxic dynamic and this may end up leading to separation depending on her reaction and willingness to get outside help. One of the most difficult aspects of this decision to break the status quo is of course the children. My two children (ages 9 and 7) from my previous marriage (wife passed away 8 years ago), really love their stepmother and would actually pick her over me if they were given a choice in a custody battle. At least that is what my 9-year-old daughter told me a few weeks ago. Now, I do know that they will have little actual say in a court proceeding especially when it comes to a stepparent, but I have to admit it is painful. I wish my children saw things the way I do of course, but I know that is unrealistic. My wife is a great mom in so many ways. She does criticize my character on a near daily basis in front of them, she also is with them all day and is tender in many ways. Plus, I know how desperate my kids are for a mom after the death of their biological mom.

Has anyone had to go through this process of having their kids align with the PD parent? Thanks for any advice on how to frame this in my mind.

[Abigail.2025]

THE Narcissist UN-MOMED ME - How to Fight Back and Win Your Kids Back
Youtube.com
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EwpEqkrAm68


Surviving Parental Alienation, Triangulation & Mind Poisoning. With Dr. Les Carter
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7B-T0De0-J8


How My Dad FOUGHT Parental Alienation (11 Tactics)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R1bwfT2rdJU

[zad7242]

Thank you!!!

[Abigail.2025]

I hope that helps.

My PD-husband married a PD-woman who PAS-ed the kids right out of his life. If I had to label them—and I'm not trying to be an armchair therapist—I'd call him a vulnerable covert NPD and her a BPD/NPD mix.

From what I've seen, alienators love to twist the truth. They take the target's flaws, blow them out of proportion, and reframe them until a molehill looks like a mountain.

Take my husband. Empathy isn't his strong suit. So, when disciplining the kids (or me), he wouldn't deal with the issue directly. Instead, he'd spiral into some tangent about how this "crime" violated his rights. He turned himself into the victim, every time, instead of being the adult and disciplining with maturity.

He wasn't perfect—he lacked the communication skills to reach his kids—but he was trying. Instead of seeing that, the ex-wife weaponized every weakness and used it to serve her own agenda.

That's the point I'm making: know your faults and guard them. I've tried to tell my husband about his, but he goes straight into defense mode.

And the kicker? Sometimes she even flips his strengths, twisting his best qualities into something ugly. That's their gift—turning everything upside down.

[zad7242]

I'm sure the resources you provided will be very helpful! thanks for sharing your story as well. It is hard when my PD - wife tells me I'm a narcissist for not disclosing my flaws to the kids but then uses every admission of my mistakes as sledgehammer against me when she feels like it. She is constantly telling the kids about bad things I've done/do and then calling me a narcissist when I don't agree with the extreme way she is characterizing what actually happened. She says similar very negative things against my parents and her own family to my children.

[Abigail.2025]

It sounds like the real issue is black-and-white thinking—turning someone into the villain instead of seeing the full picture. I'm sorry you're dealing with this. It doesn't help anyone. I've found some of the tools on this site really useful for coping, especially realizing that black-and-white thinking just isn't productive.

This site showed me how unproductive labeling really is. Teach your kids to think critically—have them list the facts. Fight with facts, not feelings.

[1footouttadefog]

I would take a look at the 100 traits list on this website.  Note which ones you do and which one your spouse does then be honest in accessing if it's occasional or habitual in each case and if they occur in response to abuse by the other party.

I did this to examine my situation as well as to own my part of it. 

It opened my eyes to abuse It had not formed a clear picture of and in some cases did not have vocabulary to describe.