21 y.o. daughter admits to "rage-baiting" me

[IsleOfSong]

I don't know that my 21-year-old daughter has a personality disorder, but I've noticed in the past couple of years in particular that she likes to say sassy, provocative, intentionally combative things to me in order to get a reaction, or amp up disagreements needlessly. As an example, if I express a preference of one thing over another, she'll take the other side instinctively (and kind of nastily) and accuse me of being overly negative or "mad" if we disagree. I go to great pains not to appear "mad," but that doesn't seem to matter — differing viewpoints are spun by her into dramatic "combative" conversations, and I frequently end up making comments at her in my own self-defense. (Yes, I should know better, but it's so disappointing to have a kid being so disrespectful.) It's often the same thing she does with her younger brother, but it seems to occur most frequently when we are all together; when I'm one on one with her, there's far less of it.

Last night, in a family discussion, she mentioned that she'd taught her (likely uNPD) mom a new-ish term: rage-baiting. "It's like what I do with Dad," she said matter-of-factly, essentially opening up her playbook for me to see. I wasn't familiar with the term, so I looked it up and it seems to apply mostly to social media posts that are basically shit-stirring opinions or "takes" created explicitly to drum up activity. But it can also refer to offline conversations, like the ones between my daughter and me that often go sideways.

I hate to think that my daughter has caught "fleas" from her mother, who is likely an NPD sufferer and whose own frequent outbursts aren't engineered so much as a reflection of her insecurity and her own defensiveness. But I am concerned about the pattern — and I don't want to "lose" my daughter over this, though if I have to limit my contact with her for my own sanity, I would not rule that out.

Anyone have this dynamic with their own kids? Any tips on disengaging besides the trusty go-to tool of gray rock? To me this feels different than dealing with her mom, but maybe I'm just wishfully thinking here...

[square]

Relationship dynamics are very hard to summarize, so I could be way off on this. But my thought was, maybe next time you realize it's happening, you stop, smile, and say "oh wow, you almost got me!" in a very good-natured way, like you admire how she did it. And if she acts confused or denies it, say "no, I get it, you're winding me up, you're good at it" like a good sport.

I dunno, that might go over like a lead balloon but in some dynamics it could work, but the key being that you are not accusing or being critical, but taking the "aw, shucks, you had me there, I admit it" route.

[IsleOfSong]

That's not bad, actually. I mean, she did tip me off to her tendency — she even named it. What you suggest could be a good way for me to call it out without her getting the "gotcha" response she seems to be hoping for. It's still disappointing that she's doing it, but at least I can work on robbing her of whatever charge she seems to get from it. Thanks, square.

[GoodPesto]

That's an inspiring idea square. I like how kind it is and can see how it could work with the right energy behind it (good-natured you called it).

[SeaBreeze]

My eldest DS is known in our family as wanting to argue just to argue. He's been this way since he learned to talk. In spite of trying various parenting approaches, I got the hint by elementary school that he was going to keep doing it, so I tried to at least teach him to debate intelligently, politely, and respectfully as did his teachers and therapists. Which kinda worked. He's in his 30s now, still lives to debate, particularly online. At some point I finally had to realize he's an adult, let him burn his own bridges with others, while putting boundaries in place for myself and refusing to engage in "discussions" with him. His siblings on the other hand continually call him out and debate right back, with DD going VLC with him at one point.

As eldest gets older he does seem to at least be mellowing out and slightly less prone to argue, and when he does he seems more open-minded. He also recently apologized to the other 2 kids for various "older siblings" tactics he pulled when they were growing up. So there is potential hope our more challenging children will mature with time and shake off any fleas they picked up from the PDs in their own childhoods. I agree it's hard though as a parent to experience certain behaviors from our beloved children that we have battled with PD parents or PD partners. Boundaries seem to be key as we learn our kids are adults now and that we can't just ground them to their rooms anymore. However, I can go to my room and take a breather!

[IsleOfSong]

Almost immediately I had an opportunity to try out square's idea — in the car, my daughter decided that I was getting too annoyed at someone driving erratically in front of us, and I quickly smiled and said, "Ohhh, you're doing that thing! I get it!" That took the wind right out of her sails! :-)

[square]

Oh wow!! That's great!!

Now I'm thinking if it happens yet again, you should say "does your old man have drip? What do you think, I think so" while preening a bit. But then again she'd probably never talk to you again.

[IsleOfSong]

Haha! Like I want to press my luck!