Funeral

[gcj07a]

I have been NC with my uBPm for 6 years. My extension, most of her side of the family retaliated in kind. Her mom (my grandma) died this morning. She was a good grandmother even if (or so I hear) she was a vindictive person and difficult to grow up with. She had bad Alzheimer's and hasn't really been lucid for a decade, so she never really understood the NC. However, I was largely prevented from seeing her for the last 6 years because she lived with my M's brother. However, my sister has confirmed that I am invited to the funeral. The question is whether I go. It is going to be horribly uncomfortable for me, but I also really loved my grandma.

[bloomie]

gcj07a - I am so sorry you have lost a grandma who was good to you!

The question that comes to mind is... what would you do if you could do what was best and right for you and you alone in this decision?

Whatever you determine that to be.. consider doing that. Because there are countless ways to privately honor who your grandmother was to you without putting yourself in a position to be horribly uncomfortable.

[NarcKiddo]

I'm in the UK so things may be different here, but whether the funeral is Christian religious or a secular cremation it is always possible to attend the ceremony with minimal family contact and avoid any gathering where things can get really uncomfortable. Indeed, I have known people make contact with the funeral directors in advance to explain there are difficulties and accommodation can be made for them to slip and sit at the back to pay their respects at the ceremony and then slip out again rather than having to go past the usual family greeting line.

I agree with Bloomie, though, that there are many ways you can mark your grandmother's passing without attending a FOO funeral.

I'm sorry for your loss.

[gcj07a]

Thanks! It will be in a small church in a small town where everyone knows everyone. I expect that I could get to the church and wait in the parking lot for it to start and slip in the back and then leave ASAP afterwards. There is a "family lunch" preceding the funeral that I will skip, a reception after the funeral I will skip, and a smaller graveside service for family only after the reception which I may or may not attend.

[bloomie]

gcj07a - sending you the strength of lions as you go! Let us know how you are as you are able!

[Liketheducks]

I'm so sorry for your loss.  I was VLC with my mom and NC with my dad when my brother passed.  Our surviving brother was NC with his brother, mom, and dad and didn't attend the burial OR the memorial.
Given the absolutely shitstorm that was his burial, it was a good choice for him.  Surviving brother wasn't answering calls from mom, with very good reason.  I ended up having to prop her and my SIL up.  Run interference between Mom and the rest of the family....and call my dad for the first time in years.  Honestly, I didn't want the drama, but given our family dynamics....I knew if I didn't tell him, he'd never have heard about his son's passing. 
I ended up staying in my SIL's house with mom for the burial.  It was brutal.  My brother had committed suicide two days before Christmas.  Mom's presence didn't cause his choice, but definitely didn't help.    I knew his widow was beside herself and navigating this as a immigrant to our country with two young children.  My mom was unable to help at all.  I can't imagine the grief she was going through to lose a child.  I felt like I had to be there to help my SIL and her children.  There were many, many posts during that time.  Many walks outside and phone calls to my best friends.  I had to eventually ask mom to be kinder to me, as I was grieving too.  SIL ended up making all the arrangements with me and cutting mom out of the planning.  Mom kept scapegoating the NC brother and blame shifting.  She still can't accept his death and comes up with alternative realities to how his made this horrible choice.  I intentionally didn't share when my flight home would be.  I was to be spending the holidays with my husband's family.  I ended up changing my flights to cut a week off staying with SIL....the day after the burial and kept in touch closely with her via phone.

I write this to say.....you have to prioritize your safety and peace.  Grief brings out all the worst in people.  It certainly did with my mom.  Slipping into the back and slipping out asap is a great solution, but I'd also be prepared for encounters.  It helped me to have a practiced script of how I'd respond so I didn't have to think about in the moment.  I'm so sorry you lost your beloved grandmother.    I just recently returned to my brothers grave for the first time on my own.  It will be two years this Christmas since he passed.  It honestly felt like the first time I could observe his passing and honor my own grief without having to manage everyone else.  My brother, who is still NC with the rest of the family, observed it with me.  We shared dinner with our families, picked out songs for the memorial, and pictures of our lost brother together.  That was cathartic for him.  He never was able to attend the memorial.  He couldn't bring himself to be in our mother's presence.  Dealing with PD and grief is gutwrenching.  I'm so sorry for your loss.

[TimetoHeal]

I am so sorry for your loss.   

Whatever you decide is right for you, we've got your back here. 

[Call Me Cordelia]

I'm so sorry for your loss. And I agree, there is not an objectively right or wrong answer about whether you go or not. There is what would be right for you, and you will know what that is! Wishing you peace.

[Adria]

I'm so sorry for your loss.  It sounds like you are a very strong person and whatever decision you make will be the right one for you.  Maybe you won't even know what to do until you wake up that morning.  Wishing you strength and peace. Hugs, Adria

[walking on broken glass]

I am so sorry for your loss. Whatever you decide will be the right choice, as long as it feels right for you and is not instigated by FOG. Keep us posted! Sending hugs 🤗

[gcj07a]

Had a great chat with my therapist today. I still haven't made a final decision, but I am leaning against going. I am thinking of going later, maybe in a couple of weeks, to visit her grave.

[gcj07a]

I've decided against going to the funeral. I just don't think I have the right motives. I feel like a coward to some degree, but I know that is not true. Nevertheless, I won't allow my M's voice to bully me into putting myself in an unsafe situation. Thank you all for your support.

[Liketheducks]

Well done you!   I'm so sorry you're in this position, but taking care of your peace is a superpower.   You can honor your grief however way you choose.   

[bloomie]

I've decided against going to the funeral. I just don't think I have the right motives. I feel like a coward to some degree, but I know that is not true. Nevertheless, I won't allow my M's voice to bully me into putting myself in an unsafe situation. Thank you all for your support.

Good to read you know that the accusatory voice is not speaking truth! I am thankful you are able to do what is best and right for you!

[Blueberry Pancakes]

Gcj07a - sorry for the loss of your grandma. 
   
It sounds like you sat with this for a bit before making your decision, and I am glad you got the clarity that made you feel comfortable. Your idea to visit her resting place in a couple weeks to pay tribute sounds lovely.

I do not think it was a cowardly decision at all, and in fact, I believe it took great strength and insight to know what was best to safeguard yourself and stand firm in that.

Another reply here referenced a burial that became a shitstorm, and I think that can happen when those with a PD are mixed in with the drama of a death. You are not alone in making that decision. My dad died around this time last year, and I decided not to attend whatever my GC sister was stirring up for his burial. Like you, I knew there would be critical voices regardless of what I did, but those voices did not drive my actions. It is alright to do what is needed to take care of your own wellbeing.

[mary_poppins]

I've decided against going to the funeral. I just don't think I have the right motives. I feel like a coward to some degree, but I know that is not true. Nevertheless, I won't allow my M's voice to bully me into putting myself in an unsafe situation. Thank you all for your support.

I'm glad you decided to do what;s best for yourself.

sending you warm hugs.

And sorry about your loss!