Adult child in contact with my NC parents

[Sidney37]

I don't think I've seen this issue here and I'm struggling with what to do.

I've been NC for 5+ years with PDm and enD.  My kids were old enough to get what and why it was happening but young enough that I could make decisions to protect them from abuse that was directed at them. My oldest was becoming the golden child as we went NC and part of the reason we went NC. 

Oldest child (OC) is now in college and an adult, but we are in the US so obviously we are providing the funds for that to happen. OC is fully financially dependent on us.  My parents have decided in the past few years since OC went to college to start reaching out to OC, buying gifts, showing up at school, taking OC out to lunch, offering money, insisting that OC come to their house for holidays (which hasn't happened yet), etc.  PDm doesn't have much money but more than a college kid has and it's how PDm has always manipulated.

So now OC has turned into a flying monkey for my parents.  I assumed that OC would see and hear how abusive my parents were to me and how they treated dad and younger sibling and make a choice to have no more than limited contact.  Nope.  OC went out of the way to visit my parents recently.  Now OC is parroting back the unkind things my parents have said to and about me.  Most recently asking how long was I going to keep this up" before I "got over it". OC knows very clearly the verbal and emotional abuse I have endured.

Has anyone had their young adult for whom they are still financially responsible become the flying monkey?  Typically I either ignore flying monkeys or cut them off, too.  No clue what to do when the flying monkey is my barely an adult child who depends on me financially.  We are expecting that OC will give graduation tickets to PDm and enD and say that it's their graduation and we don't have a say in who gets tickets.  I'm envisioning my parents going to kid's graduation and me staying home.

[Poison Ivy]

I'm sorry that you're in this uncomfortable situation. The one piece of advice I offer is that you not allow OC's choice of "friends" to get in the way of your relationship with OC. Your parents attend OC's graduation? Grit your teeth and go to graduation anyway. 

[bloomie]

Sidney37 - this is very hard and I am sorry this is happening. If it helps at all... maintaining a posture of respect and neutrality with my own adult children and their grandparents has been one of the most challenging and important things I have chosen to do.

Even though my own adult children know some of what I experienced, they didn't live it. It is once removed, if that makes any sense. And even though they can 'see' somewhat the dysfunction and painful behaviors of their grandparents, they see them as eccentric old people who are difficult at times.

I keep my counsel and put the relationships with my children first. I attend events and share them with people who do not mean me well.

If it helps at all... my children's grandparents were never able to maintain any level of true, consistent interest in them once the 'fun' of getting to me and stirring up drama was netualized by my refusal to allow them to rob me of one single, solitary experience with  my own child.

Grit your teeth and go to graduation anyway. 

Agree!

[Liketheducks]

My father was never in my son's life.   My mother was and did/does occasionally try this.   But, knows better than to denigrate me to my son.   What limited contact they have with each other would disappear.    Son saw how things went.     If my mother is willing to treat him to lunch occasionally while he's a college student, I have no problem with it.   Though we have had a very different and much healthier relationship than the one I had with my parents.  I've raised him to have no problem expressing his feelings to me, particularly if he's hurt by something I've done.   We recognize that all people in relationships will get on each other's nerves at one time or another, but that our relationship together is worth working through those moments in a healthy way.

I'm sorry that your kiddo is parroting back hurtful comments.   Can you draw a boundary around that?    I often told my son, when he was growing up, that if he wanted to persue a relationship with my parents, that was his decision.   I had my reasons for not having a regular interaction with them, but didn't want to rob him of grandparents.   I also held firm that if he decided to have a closer relationship with them, it was my job to keep him safe.   And, if it became unsafe, we'd have to change things.   Can you explain to kiddo that "getting over it" is something that is between you and your parents, and doesn't involve kiddo?  Involving your child to get to you is next level BS.
 
Absolutely grit your teeth and go to graduation.   Do not, for one second, let them keep you from being involved with your kiddo.   The truth ALWAYS comes out.   As he grew, my son realized that my family quite dysfuntional.   Most of the flying monkeys in our family have seen her true colors and apologized. 

[Poison Ivy]

 

[Tribe16]

My uPD Mom has superficial relationships with all my adult kids. They understand why I am no contact - I have explained it to them. I have also asked them to please respect my privacy with regards to their grandma, and to not share personal information about their Dad and I. I told them if they are asked, to keep it minimal with things like, "Oh they are busy with their house/yard/church" and leave it at that. They are all ok with this. I told them, "I do not need to hear the things Grandma says about me. If you feel compelled to talk to me about it, that is OK, but I won't grill you for information."

The truth is, my mother's idea of a close relationship is heart emojis on Facebook posts, and grandkids that visit her for a couple of hours when they are in the area which is not very often. She doesn't ever call them, they always initiate anything. They realize that's the way she is. She is kind and pleasant to them when they visit. When they've felt compelled to tell me something she said, I sense that they are unburdening their own conscience by "coming clean and being transparent" with me. Most of the time I explain to them why what she said is nothing more than her spin on the situation, and that I believe she is attempting to whitewash, rewrite history and play the victim. I know my kids love me. They know I love them. My mother doesn't have the power to turn my children against me, though she will try and throw me under the bus. The kids know. But like a previous poster said, to them, Grandma is just kind of a quirky old lady who enjoys when they visit. They are good kids, they are paying their respects to their grandma. My kids are a little older than your college age daughter - she is getting fun perks right now from the grandparents. Love your daughter, but have boundaries to protect yourself and ask her to respect them. I would definitely sit her down and say, "I am asking you not to share personal details about my life, and I'd appreciate you not sharing negativity aimed towards me from them. It hurts."

I hope things settle down and that the attention wanes when the grandparents realize they're not getting under your skin.

[Rebel13]

I would definitely sit her down and say, "I am asking you not to share personal details about my life, and I'd appreciate you not sharing negativity aimed towards me from them. It hurts."

Fully agree with this, and I would add, say this ONCE. Maybe twice -- I don't know if teens might need reminders where adults wouldn't, or shouldn't. Repeating this every time a comment is brought home to you verges on JADE territory and would make me frustrated. If it seemed appropriate, you could add something like "Grandma likes to pit people against each other like this, and that's one reason I don't talk to her." Sometimes naming behaviors helps inexperienced people see what's going on in a situation and also encourages them to think about its impact on their relationships, i.e., don't do this, kiddo, or people won't like you either.

If it kept coming up, I would work on medium chill and boundaries with it. In a way, it is kind of similar to the dynamic with parents who've divorced and aren't in contact with each other. The child still wants a relationship with both, and working out those boundaries is tough. Maybe reading about those situations would give you some more tactics and insights.

Wishing you luck. It sounds really tough and painful, and I'm sorry about that.