NPD or just immature?

[Victoriousthroughchrist]

I've been married for only 3 years. Throughout this marriage I have lost all motivation (was a business owner before) and have gained confusion. If it wasn't for GOD I would be in the mental hospital.
My husband is what most people from outside in, see as a charming guy. I've had most of my friends only hang out with me if they knew he was coming.. he is the type to help an old lady across the street.
I work, have a 2 year old, and a 1 year old. (15 months apart). Do all the housework other than his personal laundry and he usually takes the trash out. He works 4 days a week and is home 3 days. If the dishes aren't done, he won't touch them unless I ask, then he will make sure to do it at last minute because he knows it bothers me. Usually he is easy going, if I bring up an issue that I'm having or any feeling of any sort, it turns into a straight war. He brings up no issues of his own, until I bring up a problem I have. Say I just caught him lying about something, right when I bring that up, he know has a list of things he's been "holding" for a week or so. Why didn't you confront me when it happened? No answer, ever. They seem to be tools to just change the subject from his faults to mine. There's no accountability. He tells me I am a manipulator and a narcissist but I know I am not. The empathy I have towards others is to the point where I physically hurt for them. I go to therapy for my ptsd and seek out help, I have good skills at finding out what problems I'm having and seeking resources. I found out I'm codependent and micromanaging, I by the codependent no more book, i.e.
he does not notice any issues about himself. He has never had therapy and thinks it is not useful. His parents thought the same thing. I have no parents im a Russian orphan. He gaslights me often, I don't know if it's intentional or not. I don't know what to do, I feel weird even sleeping next to him. I cannot have aex with him I feel like I'm being raped and like something is being taken from me. When I used to, after we finished i turned into another person, literally. I've detached myself for my own good because I have realized I cannot expect him to meet my needs. He doesn't care about them. What do I do to fill my cup? I have therapy, I have doctors, I don't have any friends. (New to this area) I work with veterans to provide medical massage and that's the only conversation I get that's not with toddlers. When my husband and I talk, it's either like I'm talking to a wall, or he's walking away as I'm talking. When he talks I get sick because I don't even know if he's telling the truth. I cannot divorce him, he has told me he will take my sons. He may be able to, I have ptsd and bipolar. He has never been diagnosed with anything because he refuses to be evaluated. He is an EMT and plays hero for work. He has only done "eval" for work which he fakes. Anything he does seems fake to me. I have no family, and cannot pay the bills alone. If we split, all that would happen is my sons would be in a homeless shelter to visit me, and go between parents. I've just learned to suck it up and forget my needs and wants and happiness, just pray and ask God for help, and wait on Him... I need people, but I don't even know how to get any support that's not being paid for by insurance. I take baths, I go to the gym, I do keto for brain clarity, I do therapy, I take care of my sons well, I meal prep, I have all these outlets but I can't remove the empty hole of feeling alone and invisible to the entire world.

[Call Me Cordelia]

Hi VTC. That's so much. The person you describe, yourself, has so much drive to survive. I read your intro post and you have been through it, sister. And now here you are with your two little boys and you're still pulling yourself along with so much fight in you.

Feeling alone and invisible makes sense to me. I too am a high-functioning overachieving survivor. I'm not married to a abuser, but you and I both work so hard to try to be okay with all the hidden pain. From the outside perspective, you have this fun lovable husband! You have come so far in your life! Although I did raise an eyebrow when you said your friends only want to hang out if he's there. That plus being in a new area, and having two toddlers, of course you are lonely. I found having all small children and being in a new place to be very lonely times in my life too. Have you found a good church? How about MOPS (Mothers of Preschoolers) or a group like that? It takes time to build up connection and friendship but it has to start somewhere. All the better if you can do so without your husband I'm thinking.

I believe you when you say you couldn't do it without the Lord. One of the ladies in the Bible who speaks to my heart is Hagar. She likewise had it so hard. But she encountered the Lord when she was at her lowest point, too, and called Yahweh, "The God who sees me." I think about that a lot.

[1footouttadefog]

I can feel the hurt in what you have written.  It must be overwhelming. I can relate to you feeling trapped. 

There is so much to unpack on what you wrote.  It sounds like you have had an awakening that many here can relate to and we know that once you see it all it's hard to unsee it.

If you and the kids are safe, I would recommend you take a few breaths, and take your time sorting your feelings and seeking help and information. 

There is much here on this site that can help you
  Read the tool box and the 100 traits list. 

In the mean time I would caution you against sharing what you are learning with the suspected PDH.  They never respond well to it and only use what you share to hurt you in return. 

The most important thing you can do at this time is to practice self care and create a holistically healthy you.  Your kids need you at the best you can be. 

You mention not having friends or network and money etc.  fix this.  Take care holistically.  Physically, eat and sleep well and get fitness.  Mentally, read interesting things and watch interesting things.  Don't get 100 percent in digging into personality disorders.  Practice your spiritual journey or religion.  Socialize.  There are opportunities to go with kids if need be.  Playgroups or library hours. 

Trapping you away from a support network and social interaction is a strong PD tool so fight this isolation. 

Go to do things that interest you even if you have to take kids, a park, a drive to a small town for lunch, something. Take in some art and music.  Be whole.

He should not be your everything.  Your life should be well rounded then the flaws of who he is, won't be so crushing.

I am glad you are in therapy.  Coming to terms with a PD spouse while having two small children is a huge huge thing.  Be kind to yourself in dealing with it all.  Your feelings are real and this is a big deal.  So many here will relate.

You are not alone.  Sorry you got a slower response to your post, in the mean time there are so many stories here that will make you realize it's not just you.  PD people lure the nons in with the charm you mention.

The tools in the toolbox are helpful and things can get better even if they don't get fixed entirely.  Take your time and good luck.     

[hestia26]

I am new here, but want to welcome you and let you know that I experience a lot of what you describe, with DH. Where you say you feel that when he talks you can't know if he is lying or not, yes I go through that. I never know if what he tells me if the truth because I have caught him in so many lies.

I have just made the decision to avoid intimacy with him and to treat him like a roommate and not like a husband. This decision has brought me peace. I hope you can find peace in your circumstances, too.

[Victoriousthroughchrist]

Hello, thank you all so much for the support. This helps more than you know. I will definitely look into Moms of Preschoolers, that sounds fun!! I go to the gym, and take care of myself well. I am on keto diet not to lose weight (because I am happy with it) but for the mental clarity, energy, and mood stabilization it provides. Since I have detached and stopped having intimacy or expecting my emotional needs to be met, I am doing better. It works. I got these tools from Codependent No More book on how to detach. My feeling alone is more from only getting conversation from work and not having friends or outside support other then God. We were in a consistent church, Baptist one and now my husband has decided to switch to Orthodoxy. I don't care much into denominations, we're all people, no church is perfect and I think it's just important to have that foundation. It's not for all of us though, we can pray and worship anywhere. I am going to stay consistent in this church, and maybe I will meet friends and make connections. The confusion, gaslighting, and devaluation, made me believe I am not worthy of friends. Now that I have been working with veterans I have got so much feedback on how caring, understanding, easy to talk to, and knowledgeable I am. How I have helped them in more ways than just medical massage through our conversation. However I don't want to get my emotional fulfillment from work only. I don't think that's healthy. Going to activities with my sons, is a great idea! Although they go to school, and then are too tired to do anything. We normally hang out at home. I only see my husband for more than a couple hours on the weekends. He works from 8am-7pm and takes a train which doesn't get home until 9pm. It's nice to spend the alone time with my sons. The weekends we're together all day and it can be challenging. This is when we ally do activities though, and it's usually as a family. However I need to start taking them out and letting him get "alone" time. Going out with him gives me anxiety. I need to be more self dependent as far as taking the kids out somewhere. 😊😊thanks again all of you for the advice! We are all strong and will get through the circumstances we're in, just know the work your doing on here is changing my life and outlook and I just came on here! Thank you so much!!!!

[1footouttadefog]

I am glad you are in a better place and have some goals for bettering your situation. 

I encourage you to stay engaged here and continue to read the content.  This path is a long one and it's not linear.