After 11 years, the time has finally come

[Healing Finally 2]

Hi all, 

I feel so appreciative that I was able to find you all when I did, over 10 years ago, to help me with my journey of recovery from my (U)NPD sister's actions and immediate family dysfunction.

Thought to share that my 93 year old mother was taken to the hospital yesterday with serious health issues, and true to form my (U)NPD sister has taken charge of her situation because she says I am too difficult to work with.

Up to this point I have been providing guidance for my mother, even thought I no longer live near her.  I zoom with her twice a week and we keep a To Do List for her that we share via email.  This helps her to keep track of all her health issues, doctor appts, etc.

I lived with my mother for two years before moving away and took her to all her doctors appointments, and even moved her into assisted living WITHOUT ANY OFFER FROM MY (U)NPD SISTER TO HELP AND SHE LIVED 15 MINUTES AWAY.

The main reason I do all this is because my (U)NPD sister does only the minimum required.  She will visit her once a week, but she never takes her anywhere and doesn't offer to do anything like help her to buy a new bra (my mother has learned a long time ago that my (U)NPD sister will balk when asked to do anything so she doesn't ask.)

Just FYI, my (U)NPD sister stopped talking to me 11 years ago, and got me booted out of the family and my mother was too afraid of her to disagree. Even when I lived with my mother, my sister would come get her for family functions, happily leaving me behind. This was a really tough situation for me, as she had everyone on her side, even my son (over the years he was able to see the dysfunction and now completely supports me.)

After coming to this forum, I learned I have CPTSD and this was the initial reason I blew up at my sister (not to her face, in an email to her now ex-husband who shared it with her because he was tying to keep her in his life.)  I was saying she has Narcissistic Personality Disorder and basically said what should we do about it?  OH BOY, that was a HUGE MISTAKE, but then again, here I am much freer from my the family dysfunction (I have received a great deal of support from the "sister website" "Out of the Storm" that helps people with CPTSD (or Complex Trauma.)

Last week my mother's health took a turn for the worse, and was taken to ER.  Since her return to assisted living, I have kept a daily record of her health and what's been done to help her.  I had to order a hospital bed.  I had to set her up on Level 2 support at the assisted living place where she lives.  I have continually talked to Mom to help her with her fears. I've been sending out daily emails with all this information to the immediate family; my (U)NPD sister, her two sons (one is studying to be a doctor), my son, and my mother SIL. 

Once my (U)NPD sister got involved she just took over, saying that I was too hard to work (this is after only a few email exchanges.)  She accused me of being too "accusatory and critical" which is so ridiculous as one can see in our email exchanges that this is not true.

I KNEW IN MY BONES THAT MY (U)NPD SISTER WOULD DO THIS AND I WAS READY. 

I do not take it personally, it's not about me, it's about her need to control and fragile ego. From here on out it's not going to be pretty, and I'm ready for more dysfunction and personal slamming because that's what she does.

What has become clear, after my mother passes I will no longer be in the scapegoat position (I have forever been disappointed that my mother can't stand up for me, but I know this is due to her own emotional trauma.)

So, even though this is a super tough time, I am not freaking out as much as I used to as I've learned to manage my CPTSD, and know that a narcissist is going to do what a narcissist does.  I no longer have any hopes or expectations that things will be different (it took a LONG TIME for me to let it go.)  I feel like I'm at the end of a very long healing process.

Again, thank you for being here.

[Rebel13]

So, even though this is a super tough time, I am not freaking out as much as I used to as I've learned to manage my CPTSD, and know that a narcissist is going to do what a narcissist does.  I no longer have any hopes or expectations that things will be different (it took a LONG TIME for me to let it go.)  I feel like I'm at the end of a very long healing process.

Again, thank you for being here.

Such a wonderful, hopeful ending to a really difficult story. I hope you are able to keep caring for yourself as the situation unfolds, and also that your mom is getting at least her basic needs met and you don't have to worry too much about her.

[JLS]

Healing finally 2, I'm sorry for the difficult time during your mother's ill health.

It is wonderful to hear how you have healed.  Letting go of those hopes and expectations is hard.

[Healing Finally 2]

Thanks all for your replies 

For years I've been afraid of this moment, when we would have to interact again, worrying about how my (U)NPD sister would treat me and how I would react. 

With LOTS of therapy and self-help, I am just fine, in fact I'm a bit in shock because I'm not overreacting due to her persecution, which I knew she would do.  Such a sad person honestly, I feel sorry for her.

take care all

[SisterBlue]

Oh gosh, I am so sorry this is happening, but so so glad for you that you are in this place now. I'm at the beginning of my journey of healing since I just started to come to full terms with everything after 40 years with my sibling. You provide me with hope and inspiration that I can keep doing better. Much love to you.