Going overseas

[Sojourner17]

My husband and I will have been married for 13 years this coming week.  His family all live overseas and have never met me or our children in person.  We are finally able to make plans to go and are going to try to go see them but have not set a date. 

Originally we were thinking in the next two years however my husbands oldest brother died unexpectedly four weeks ago.  He decided to not go this Fall and instead we are pushing up the trip to hopefully this spring. 

I blundered and told my mom about the possibilities of us going this spring when I told her about my brother in laws death. 

Today when I talked with her she brought up the trip and started asking questions as to when and how long.  I tried to be vague as we honestly don't know when we are going but I think I still gave her TMI.  I could tell she was spiralling down.

She then started crying and asking why I don't want to come see her and how she doesn't understand why.  I clammed up and went silent.

 I had just finished telling her I had to go and made the mistake of telling her why.    I was in end phone call mode so the question shook me.  I could tell things were going south but didn't get off the phone quick enough. 

An hour later I saw where she asked me to call her once I was done what I told her I needed to do next and just now I got a text saying she wants to see me before I go to Kenya. 
I don't even know when we are going but know it could be in April/May. 

I'm feeling very exasperated and frustrated.  I want to respond from a place of peace, love, and firmness but right now discussions about visiting are not on the table for me. 

Do any of you have any input on how I could respond?  Or any questions for me to help me reflect and think this through? 

[walking on broken glass]

Hi Sojourner,

Please don't blame yourself for telling your mum about this. We do our best to filter information but, when you are in touch with someone, something is bound to slip. You can't be guarded 24/7, as it takes a toll on your mental health. And in this case, it's information she would get at some point, as you will make the trip.

I think I would keep to your usual schedule of calling her every two weeks, and ignore/shut down any requests for contact in-between. You could message her something along the lines of 'I can't call again mum, I am busy, I will talk to you later'. If she brings up the trip again when you talk and complains about you not visiting her, you could say something like 'the situations are not comparable at all' and change the subject.

It's so tricky when everything seems to trigger their insecurities.

[Liketheducks]

I could have written your post.   My husband is from overseas, as well.   We visit his family about once a year.   They're lovely.   They have their quirks, but it is so much easier to have healthy boundaries when there is an ocean dividing us.   I get the comments from my mom that somehow I should spend an equal amount of time with my her that I spend with my in-laws.     

Don't beat yourself up.   Anytime spent with others is bound to trigger this response in your mom.   Hold your ground...what wobg recommended sounds perfect to me.   

[Sojourner17]

Thank you to both of you for your responses.  After thinking about it I sent a text fairly similar to the one you wrote WOBG.  I sent it yesterday from work.  She didn't text back so I will just move forward with calling her in two weeks. 

Part of me thinks I could just tell her again what has caused the rift between us but I'm just not sure.  I think she would focus on the trees (most of which are from almost 2 years ago and more) and miss the forest/big picture.  My most recent example is her hanging up on me before the funeral.  I know she is grieving and hurting so could make the excuse to justify that. 

It's hard hoping and praying for change.  It's hard because a core part of who I am and what I believe believes that ANYONE can change. And yet... here I am, here we are.  Living in the reality that change doesn't always happen.  That change has to happen in me so that I can somehow love my mom well in her broken state.  I'm learning how to love different. But I'm learning.