I think I just need some emotional support

[Dinah-sore]

Hi, it has been a while. I am just having a bad day. My BPD/NPD mom has been upset with me because I have reduced contact.

Mostly it is due to personal health and being overwhelmed. I also have a TBI from last year, where my memory and thinking is crap, so I think I don't feel smart enough for her traps and battles.

It feels like she is always playing a mind game, and I think she thinks I am playing games too but I am not. I am just putting my energy into self care and rest more than socializing with her.

The last few days I didn't talk to her as much as she wanted. I could feel her coldness and her subtle ways she wants me to feel guilty. FOG stuff.

Today I just called her and she was being super cold and formal. I gave her some info, and even some gossip about people she doesn't like. But she then told me that I am going to need to go over to her house in the next few weeks, because she needs to show me how to get on her computer and pay her bills in case she has cancer (she is getting a routine colonoscopy) and is going to die. She can't leave the bills to my father cuz that isn't right (in her firm voice).

It felt so mean. Not that I wouldn't want to help, or care, but she didn't say it like that, out of fear.  She keeps bringing up death in comments of anger towards me. With mean tones. Almost like I am not appreciative that she is still alive.

I am sorry. I hope I said it right. I care about her health. But I feel she is trying to use it to control and guilt me.

Also, like I said I had a TBI this year, I can't even pay MY bills (I mean some are on automatic payments, but I am missing other mail, and new bills, etc) I forget everything. I forget what people just told me. I drop all the balls I am juggling.

So her saying I need to come over and learn how to run her accounts is not only sad, but overwhelming. My dad runs his own business; he isn't unable.

But on top of it, it doesn't feel like a sincere ask for help. It feels like she is mad at me and I need to get my head right and remember I need to take care of her.

That sounds awful.

I sound awful.

I am just sad.

It also just really upsets me because she get frustrated at me when I struggle with tasks, like she has no patience with my executive function tasks. She tells me to do things, and gets mad when I don't do them or don't do them her way. I feel her strong displeasure. It is bad. And it is like give me a break I am trying as hard as I can.

So anyways, I have pulled back. But mostly I am just tired, I would rather rest, or read, or do something quiet and peaceful than talk on the phone. And yet she is always so mad at me if I don't talk to her on the phone enough.

Is it wrong to not call your mom everyday? (Please understand, I don't think it is wrong for anyone else to not call their mom everyday, but MY body tells me i am bad of don't).

I text her almost everyday, unless I am sick or busy till after she goes to bed, but she gets upset at that. But I talk to her on the phone at least 4-8 times a week. And sometimes she is happy, but most of the time there are these passive aggressive digs that I don't love her enough or talk to her enough. So it is like she pushes me away to pull me in. It sucks.

I think I know what to do, I mean medium chill, don't JADE, redirect conversations, but I guess I am just feeling the reality that she is elderly, she is in poor health due to lifestyle choices (not yet reflected in bad news lab tests), but she is going to die, and odds are she will be a jerk to me before it happens. And I will have to live with these feelings. And figure out how to balance her bank account like someone who can function normally.

I can't imagine what it would be like to have me as a mom. But I think I am a much better mom to my kids, I would NEVER want them to ever feel this way. Let alone take steps to ensure they feel this way. I want to say, "I am your only kid, and I turned out amazing. You are lucky to have a daughter like me. And I turned out ok not because of your tough love, but in spite of it." But I think it is just good to let myself hear me say that. Maybe that is me helping me.

Thank you for reading this. If you have any thoughts, advice, encouragement, any anecdotes, etc. I would appreciate your thoughts. Big hugs. 

[Tribe16]

Dinah-sore, you don't sound awful at all. How selfish of your mother to insist on these demands when you have suffered a TBI. This must be very discouraging for you, I can't imagine.

People with PDs have no empathy, which your mom is displaying with her behavior. My dad had Parkinsons. My mom had little to no patience with his illness - 'He just sits! He won't help! He forgets everything!" I could go on and on. She has little to no empathy.

You have every right to care for yourself before your mother (the whole pu on your oxygen mask first deal). The cold, firm, cruel ohonecalls are awful. The passive aggressive disapproval is awful. You don't have to call. You don't have to keep checking in. You just have to allow yourself to let her stew in her own juice without smoothing over things you are not responsible for.

So glad you're here - we get it!

[square]

Hey Dinah-Sore, so sorry to hear you are having a really tough time. Just wanted to send you a hug.

[Adria]

Dinah-Sore,

I am so sorry for what you are going through. You do not sound awful. You sound overwhelmed and frustrated for very good reason. 

Your mom sounds very demanding and self-serving.  Can you just be upfront and tell her you are not well right now and can only call her on a certain day of the week or maybe two?

It sounds like you are at the end of your rope, so you need to do what you need to do to take care of you right now.  It's probably not gonna matter if you call her once a week or every day.  She will still find a reason to be upset with you, so do what you want.  Otherwise you will end up totally physically and emotionally drained, and she won't be there to pick you up. 

If you had a friend in this situation, think about the advice you would give her and be gracious and give the same advice to yourself.  You will have to be strong and be empathetic to your own needs as well right now.  You might feel bad or guilty, but that is okay. It is natural. It sounds like you need to put yourself first so you can carry on with the things you need to do.  Hugs, Adria

[Lillith65]

Hi Dinah-Sore,

Just popped by to remind you that the only person who needs to know how to balance your mother's bank account(s) is her.

She is an adult. She is not mentally incompetent or vulnerable.

There is no reason why you should be involved and you have the right to say no to her demands and manipulation.

Sending you strength and support.

[LikeTheSea]

I'm sorry about that. They get so focused on them and everything is me, me, me. My dBPD mom is similar. I can't tell you how many times I drove in almost flooded streets to see her. She demanded it.

You don't have to go there and you don't have to tell her what you're doing. You may want to slowly decrease the amount of information you give her so she might not notice when the raging river becomes a trickle. Or you could start talking about nothing but make it long and boring. I did that with a disordered neighbor and she stopped bothering me for a long time.

Dinah-Sore, hoping this all goes in your favor. Been there, done that.   

[Liketheducks]

Dinah-sore....I'm so sorry you're having a rough time right now.   You SHOULD be able to turn to your family for support following a TBI.   I used to call my mom everyday too.   It really will be ok to focus on yourself and your healing.   What you wrote about not wanting your child to ever feel like you did, really hit me.   I feel like this everyday with my son.   Parents should be a place of support and encouragement.   It sounds like she's just missing the attention.   

Hang in there.   Many hugs to you.

[Dinah-sore]

Thank you all for taking the time to read and respond. You are all so helpful and encouraging. Thank you so much. ❤️