Just over it

[Ijustneedhelp]

Hello. I feel strongly I'm in a very abusive relationship and feel strongly I'm stuck in a trauma bond. My partner is avoidant, accusatory, and unsupportive.

I am angry that I have carried the emotional load and burden for the entire family alone. All while living in personal hell. My spouse accuses me of things I would never do. Refuses to listen to my endless defending of these accusations. Acts like he believes anyone else. I'm just a liar and a cheater. When I've been conditioned hindsight to sit at home and interact with no one.

I've been a stay at home parent. Devoted my whole life to my spouse and kids. I did it all while my spouse made money and made space for their hobbies and dreams. I did most things related to the kids by myself because my partner was always busy with anything else. If they did participate it usually was hell and not fun or anything you would desire again. I see now this was conditioning to not ask them anymore to participate. This is what I ultimately did.


Our entire relationship has been full of blame and accusations. Endless cycles of emotional abuse and avoidance. My partner looks for things to take out of context or spin to be mad at me and keep me defending who I am. I'm tired and exhausted. It's been 25 long years of this. When I've done everything. Stayed at home, quit jobs, cut off friends, even my family at some points. All while they interact with whoever they want and do whatever they want. Disappears for days. Serves the silent treatment for weeks. Makes threats to divorce and is always done with the relationship but won't actually end it. Just never ending cycles of they do no wrong and I'm the reason for everything, like nothing is ever not my fault.

I cry and beg for this stuff to stop and it never has. It's hot and cold and only how they want it. I've been left a mere shell of myself. I can see what is going on now clearly but I don't love myself enough to leave I guess. Our kids are grown now and out of the house. I've tried to focus on me. I've done therapy, medication, mirroring, counseling, and  CoDa. This can't be the way my life was meant to be. I feel so unloved, unseen, and def unheard. All of this has spilled into my relationships with everyone cause I'm in constant fight or flight. With no real break from chaos.

I've endured physical abuse, emotional abuse, financial abuse, and mental abuse for years and forgave and forgave. Stayed and hoped for the best. Honestly I feel like I blinked and my whole life was gone. I now believe I'm in a crazy cycle of reactive abuse back to my partner. So now I really give them a reason to make me the issue but they just punish me and won't just leave the relationship. Even tho they threaten to all the time. 
Just seems to use me at their disposal and when they want. My spouse essentially just checks in and out at their convenience. And I can't take this anymore. Im a good person and deserve love and reciprocity. I'm here seeking help to break these cycles and regain control over my life, emotions, and sanity. Any help is welcomed.

Thank you

[xredshoesx]

(((ijustneedhelp)))

gentle hugs and welcome.  I know how hard it is to take that first step to ask for help, especially after a long term marriage with a nuanced and layered history of all types of abuse.  I had to end a 6 year long term situationship bc I was at a similar point and my choices were basically end it or get pulled into the abuse cycle and end up in jail bc in my state we have a thing called mutual combatants when DV is involved, and a felony assault charge would potentially take away everything I worked for...... 

you've shared your different ways to cope and reach out through this cycle.  would talking to a DV counselor in your area be a next step?  they may be able to give you advice from a different perspective.  Nobody but you knows what is the next next steps, but studies have shown that leaving isn't always the safest option unless you have support and a plan- I have a friend from work who stays married in name only and she and her husband live separate and have their own lives bc life and finances make them tied together in knots that courts would have to untangle....

in my situation it was easier to extricate myself bc the ex was so immature and irresponsible he wouldn't be on paper with me for anything, so all I had to do was evict him from my apartment bc he wasn't on a lease...... but it still took a good 3 months for everything to be finally OVER over and then I was in therapy about 2 years helping myself heal and learn better coping mechanisms then the ones I was replaying from seeing my own parents in a very abusive relationship.

you've taken a HUGE step forward but you can do hard things.  please be gentle with yourself today.  https://www.thehotline.org/