Starting the Process

[toe2toe]

Hello everyone,
Well it has come to that point. What should I be looking for in a divorce attorney?

She is going to fight me on just about everything - shouldn't be surprised but it still is a slap in the face.

Any help would be greatly appreciated. What worked, what didn't work, what should I ignore and what to fight for.

There are 3 kids in the mix. I am a good father and I want access to my children.

Thanks everyone

[MaxedOut]

The book Splitting and the books on BIFF are good. Knowing what *could* happen made the lashing out that did actually happen seem manageable and I used BIFF communication for the most part, which seemed to help. I asked a family law attorney I know for divorce e attorney recommendations for people experienced in/knowledgable about handling of cases where one spouse has personality disorder and/or and mental illness and got a good rec.

[Rebel13]

Hi toe2toe, I'm really sorry you are having to go through this.

Two resources I really like are:

ChumpLady -- the blog and comments are full of great stories, insights and information about difficult divorces, if you don't mind some salty language. Here's her divorce category to start: https://www.chumplady.com/category/divorce/

Also, like MaxedOut mentioned, the BIFF method is from Bill Eddy, the founder of the High Conflict Institute, https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/. You could try looking at their articles, blog, and/or podcasts (https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/podcasts/).

Wishing you the best.

[bloomie]

toe2toe - others have already offered good advice and resources. I just wanted to offer support as you start on this difficult journey.

[GoodPesto]

Hi toe2toe,

I am sorry you had to reach this point and hope everything will turn out ok.
Having read your former posts and knowing about a few split-ups that involved kids I would like to leave the following
thoughts.
If your stbx-uPD-wife is not okay with you leaving which could easily be due to leaving being a) a narcisstic injury or b) feeding her fear to be left, it's likely she will try to hurt you as much as possible along the way.
That's why it could be very important to not let her know what's most important for you (access to your kids e.g.) and be non-chalant about the goal you're trying to reach. The latter can be very difficult, especially when she is trying to provoke an emotional response.
So if access to your kids is something you would like to achieve for post-marriage, it could be helpful to act as if this is not even being questioned (instead of aiming for an arrangement asap to feel safe) and to furthermore remain super calm if it is being questioned which it will most likely be because she will know you well enough to know your "weak spot".
You could also think of some sort of red herring that you can act out on any fights and emotions like the car you want to keep so much, or the house, or whatever, being ready to lose that fight but not showing it to take away the energy from what you really like to keep.
In case it looks like you are loosing access to your kids for a while which might be very scary, stay calm. Antagonazing makes things worse more often than not especially when the other party is hurting so badly s/he is being blind to the damage being done or worse liking it.
This may sound partially manipulative and maybe it is, but what I learned from my divorce is that sometimes you have to allow yourself to do things that are not in your nature (in my case it was lying) to safe yourself and your sanity, and the father in your kids' life.
I happen to find Amber Ault's 5 step exit a very good (and thin) book to guide me out of hell.
Best wishes.

[toe2toe]

GoodPesto,

Wow. Thank you for your insight. I had read somewhere to really disguise what is dear to you, especially in this divorce process. Pretty sure she already knows my heart but I will be diligent about being an "even stephen" in the process.

Yes, the narcissistic wound... I swear she enjoys putting me through hell. What a crazy situation this is turning out to be. I am committed though.

Thanks again for you words. Very insightful - like maybe from experience?!? HA!

[1footouttadefog]

It I was a man, I would go with a firm that does lots of divorces, and typically represents men.

It's far too common for women to play dirty and keep men away from their children.  I always want what is best for kids and they need their dads. 

[Poison Ivy]