Growing up with no safety: learning how to cope in adulthood

[norw]

Hi everyone, I'm new here and thought I'd try posting.

I'm in my early 30s and currently struggling with PTSD, anxiety, and body image issues. I grew up with a mother who had severe, untreated BPD, and several other family members with similar traits. My father also lived with schizoid personality disorder.

My childhood was extremely difficult. My mother was emotionally abusive, unpredictable, and neglectful. She was frequently in and out of psychiatric hospitals, and from a very young age I witnessed severe self-harm and suicide threats directed at me, blaming me and telling me it was my fault. She often used these threats as a way to control me, and would lie about being psychotic to manipulate situations.

My basic needs - safety, emotional support, stability, even access to proper education, were often ignored. I wasn't helped with school and was sent to a very underfunded religious school, and had no guidance or comfort when I was scared or confused. I didn't have anyone consistently looking out for me.

On top of all that, I was heavily bullied at school, I had no friends because of it. I had no real support system anywhere, not at home, not from extended family, and not from teachers or friends. When I tried to speak up or let people know what was happening, I was dismissed, blamed, or told I was exaggerating. My mother also created chaos within the family, twisting situations so that relatives saw me as the problem, which made me feel even more alone and unprotected. Not that my relatives were right for doing that, I was a child.

It left me feeling completely isolated, like it was my fault and there was nowhere safe to turn. Even now, I still have the deep fear that if I express my needs or share my feelings, people will minimize them or see me as the issue.

I'm in therapy now, but I'm still trying to figure out the best approach, whether I should focus more on the trauma itself or on the issues it created, like severe body dysmorphia. As I start to emerge from the CPTSD fog, I'm feeling a lot of anger that I don't know how to manage.

[norw]

I wanted to share a bit more context.

I believe I'm dealing with CPTSD, I was not officially diagnosed, but it's something I've come to recognise in myself. At the moment, I'm unable to work because everyday life feels overwhelming. Even basic things like preparing food or keeping my space tidy can feel impossible.

I think I'm dissociating a lot. I'm not sure if that's the right term, but I often lose hours just stuck in intrusive or obsessive thoughts. I can sit in the same spot for five hours without noticing the time passing. I also struggle to leave the house because of intense body image issues. It feels like I'm permanently stuck in survival mode, disconnected from my emotions. It feels almost like I would not be able to cope with the feeling if I felt them full force.

I feel lost and unsure where to turn or how to start rebuilding my life.

I'm sharing this because I'm hoping to hear from people who have been through similar experiences, to know whether things can get better, and whether living a "normal" life is still possible for me

[bloomie]

norw - offering you a warm welcome to Out of the FOG. I am grateful you have reached out to this community of fellow travelers and appreciate the context and your sharing some of the heartbreaking realities of your experiences.

Safety... is everything. Growing up in an atmosphere of risk, as you describe, never knowing when the next horrific scene will play out separates us, not only from others, but I have found most importantly as we grow into adulthood, from ourselves.

Even now, I still have the deep fear that if I express my needs or share my feelings, people will minimize them or see me as the issue.

You have found a community of people who will not do this as you share here. We are walking similar paths and understand at the deepest level what it takes to begin to rebuild our lives and disavow mindsets that no longer serve our healing. It takes courage to reach out as you have done here and I applaud you for taking this step.

You mention possibly dealing with CPTSD and I wanted to mention we have a sister site https://www.outofthestorm.website for survivors of complex relational trauma that may be another resource and support to you. Many of our members participate at both sites. Here at Out of the FOG for support with relational issues as they relate to other people and at Out of the Storm for relational issues as they relate to ourselves.

I can offer you hope, as I relate a so much of what you describe with your mother and family of origin. You seem to be building a support system for yourself that will be a huge help as you go forward. I am so grateful for the support I began to build for myself. I could never have recovered to the point I have (will always be a work in progress) and been able to accurately assess the extent of the damage my own family of origin issues did and how much of my thinking and choices flowed from things I believed about myself that were not true.

A resource that has been helpful for me lately is the work of Dr. Ingrid Clayton in the area of complex childhood trauma. Here is a link to her website where you will find resources and helpful articles: https://www.ingridclayton.com/resources

Keep coming back as you are able. There are incredible resources and information found all over this site. There are conversations that are taking place on the sub forums that are pure gold and where I have found insights and validation unlike anything I have experienced elsewhere. Take your time and settle in. I look forward to supporting you! 

[Rebel13]

It left me feeling completely isolated, like it was my fault and there was nowhere safe to turn. Even now, I still have the deep fear that if I express my needs or share my feelings, people will minimize them or see me as the issue.

Hi norw, just seconding bloomie's welcome. My upbringing had a lot of the same features as yours, and I share this particular fear. I think *I* even believe I'm the problem, sometimes, for having any needs in the first place.

I was also bullied as a kid for being fat and smart, got no support for that at home, and have had lifelong body issues. One thing that helped me some was channeling some of that anger that you talk about, into a kind of "screw them!" attitude that sometimes helps with getting out and doing things. I've always loved swimming and have been able to manage going to the pool and "not caring" what other people think about my body by, in some respects, using that anger as a shield. I'm not saying it's healthy, but it might be better than acting out in other ways!

Over the past year or so, I've gotten a great trauma therapist, and one of the things I notice is that the things that need to surface, will surface. There's plenty of fodder and stimuli in my daily life. I don't have to figure out what to focus on. It feels kind of good to let go of the perfectionism and constant need for self-improvement that were instilled by my childhood, and trust the flow a little bit.

Anyway, as bloomie said, this is a great forum with lots of kind, caring people who will share their stories and experiences. Keep reading and letting us know how things are going for you.