How do I deal with the Fear?

[SisterBlue]

Hi! One of my aunts is very sick and old, and this is going to sound horrible, but I dread and fear going home for a possible funeral with my BPD/possibly Narc sister there. She went no contact with me, then contacted me again and claimed I was the problem of course. Now I am no contact deliberately because that's the most abusive she's ever been to me and she's having literal delusions about things that were said and/or done. I'm not doing it again until (if) she gets help.

I don't want to go to anything where I would have to be with her. I feel deep fear about it. But I also don't want to abandon the rest of my family (many of whom she also professes to heartily dislike.) Do I attempt to deal with the fear and go anyway? Do I choose to stay home? I'm just not sure what to do about it. I've talked to my therapist about it, and she suggested EMDR to help ease that trigger of immediate panic, but none of the practitioners here take my insurance. What I can't handle is the screaming confrontation and/or the nasty, chilly silence coupled with snide looks and remarks. I know it sounds crazy but it's something I just can't do anymore with people who have an in into my inner psyche. It doesn't bother me much when it's random people.

ETA: I don't live that close. It's a 5 hour drive.

[Lillith65]

It doesn't sound crazy. It is perfectly natural and healthy to want to protect ourselves. You could consider going but make a plan in case it all becomes too much. You could also consider taking someone with you that you know will have your back and that you can rely on. Preferably some on who knows the history and who will (symbolically or physically) step between you if your sister approaches.

[walking on broken glass]

Reading your story and imagining myself in your position made me stress. So, no, the way you feel is not crazy. I have often thought of what I will do when my mum dies and I have to go to the funeral, as I am currently no contact with both my mum and my sister. Now that my sister cannot reach me anymore, I cannot fathom how I put up with her abusive behaviour. It's exactly what you describe: the tantrums, the yelling, the snide remarks, coupled, in my case, with displays of performative affection. Why would you want to put yourself through that? If your body and mind are telling you that it's not safe to go, don't go, and find a different way to honour the memory of your aunt. If you decide you want to go, I would not go on my own. I would have someone with me as a buffer at all times.

[SisterBlue]

Sound advice, both of you. Thank you so much. Honestly I think the only person who would actively protect me in a way that I would feel secure is my best friend. So maybe only if she can go. Husband is done with it too but is very introverted and doesn't act on these things much. I'm generally the protector. Thanks for helping me feel not so over the top. My therapist had a strong reaction against me "allowing" my sister to dictate what I do, but last time we interacted, I had extreme physical anxiety manifestations, and that was only over the phone. I don't know that I could do in person without breaking down completely. It's an alien feeling for me because she is the only person currently in my life who causes that response. I have had it in the past with others, but therapy has helped me move through it a lot more.

[SisterBlue]

Also... to Walking on Broken Glass... I so understand you. I'm only about 10 months into deliberate no contact from my side, and I'm already so much healthier overall and SO can't believe what I considered "normal" in her behavior. Now looking at it, the emotional/verbal abuse and control is so apparent, and I have no idea how I did it that long.

[walking on broken glass]

Isn't it sad that we only realize how bad it was once we are out of it? I guess we have to downplay and explain away the behaviour to be able to survive it. I am sorry you are in the same position Sister Blue. If you go, I hope it goes smoothly. But don't feel obliged to go.

[SisterBlue]

It is sad. I think we do it for that reason and it's kind of like the boiling frog analogy. We're in it so long that we can't understand how very much it's affecting us. The great thing for me now is that I've been living away for long enough and have done enough therapy that I finally see it much more quickly and can get out/shut it down/not engage with that person early on BEFORE I become a victim. It's honestly one of the reasons she's so angry with me right now. She calls it "cold" and "selfish," but I call it, "self-regulation," and "healthy."