Emotional deregulation

[Eleanor]

Hi

One of the life limiting outputs of having two Narcissist parents and having CPTSD, is suffering from emotional deregulation when triggered.

Anybody else struggled with this and have you managed a way to manage it?

E

[Rebel13]

Hi Eleanor!

It's such a big and difficult topic. There are some resources you might find helpful in the Other Media Resources and Book Reviews section on this forum. I've posted some of my favorites there, including Ingrid Clayton and Emma McAdam/Therapy in a Nutshell on Youtube, and Rick Hanson at rickhanson.com. Pete Walker's work is what started me on this journey and he has a website, pete-walker.com.

On this forum, we mainly help people who are actively coping with relationship troubles. If you are more focused on healing and recovery from past abuse, you might like the Out of the Storm site and forum, https://www.outofthestorm.website/.

Wishing you all the best. It's a difficult road but so worth the trip, in my opinion.

[bloomie]

Hi there! It seems like you recognize triggers and that is an important first step to learning to managing our responses to them. You are doing important work toward regulating your nervous system first by noticing and being curious about what is triggering you and why.

I moved your post over to our Working on Us sub forum to open the subject up to more insights and replies. 

[JustKeepTrying]

Sorry to hear about the ptsd. Struggling with emotional regulation is difficult.

I too struggle here - I can share one thing that helped the most.

I practice radical acceptance and studied meditation. Using those practices daily for a few months have led me to the point where it has become a habit. When I am triggered and my emotion swings, I am able to allow for the swing and trigger to flow through me. I take the time to center myself and check in and look at the trigger with curiosity. Curiosity without emotion. See it for what it is and let it pass.

This has brought me some peace.

Tara Brach's YouTube meditation videos on radical acceptance is a wonderful place to begin. She has a great book on it that is a fairly easy read.

Good luck!

[HeadAboveWater]

I am by no means an expert. I've been on a journey to come Out of the FOG over the last decade, and a few things have worked for me. Perhaps some will resonate with you and be applicable to your situation. 

I gave myself time alone when I felt triggered. I realized that I often went into freeze mode or that I felt irrationally angry. If I felt myself going in either of those directions, I made room for it-canceled social plans, allowed myself to slack a little at work, did less housework, made a point to get physical exercise, etc. I developed "placeholder" responses to messages that drove me around the bend. For example, an upset client might get an email that said something like "Let me think about this for a few days. I will get back to you no later than the end of the day on Friday." It's ok to go into survival mode until you get your regulation back. I even made early exits from social events because I felt like I was unable to engage with folks in a pleasant way. I came up with a script that I could use in various settings, something like "It's been lovely having a chance to see you. I'm feeling a bit tired, so unfortunately I need to head out." I also sometimes walked out of larger group events (professional, family, and social) and then texted the people close to me after I left: "Sorry to have missed saying goodbye in person before I left. Let's catch up soon."

Trigger management became a part of reducing those reactions long term. For me, the keys were reduced contact and boundary management. I was surprised how I could "sneak" in reduced contact without having to make grand pronouncements about relationship status or involving PD family members in any way. I just started gradually becoming less available and not volunteering to solve others' challenges. Setting boundaries and sticking with them was tough at first. But I quickly saw success. It helped me to build up the habit, like exercising an atrophied muscle. That also boosted my self esteem, which was protective in itself.