Lifetime of Dad's uNPD/uASPD and estranged half-sibling's uNPD/uASPD

[CravingSafetyPeaceFreedom]

I already documented a bunch of stuff on my computer and copied and pasted it to my home forum that I've been a member of for 20 years, but either the forum is dead (people don't even reply when I say Merry Christmas) or they are ignoring me on purpose.  I thought it was healthy to not go at this alone and to ask friends about stuff?  My home forum is a forum of medical professionals, and it's the casual subforum.  I also assumed that if I've had a lifetime of my dad's narcissism (maybe malignant subtype of narcissism) and my Mom's possible BPD (and maybe also narcissism, the vulnerable subtype) that most other people have been abused too, no?  If it's so normal and a daily occurrence to me, I assume most everyone's parents are also like this?

Anyway, months or years go by on my home forum and none of my questions get answered.  It's 100% silence.  It's like sitting around a circle of your friends and asking them a question, and they just stare at you silently -- that's what it's like.

I'm new here and there's only a few thousand people here instead of 1 million, but will you guys give me a safe place to ask questions and see if my thinking is on the right track?  My fear is that maybe I'm the problem or the narcissist or something (I don't think so though), so my fear is I'll get silence here as well since there's so few people.  But maybe all the people here are also other survivors and will know what I'm going through if I give some details?

My other concerns (as outlined in the Welcome forum):

1.  I don't have an answer if this forum is somewhat private yet or if anything we write here is indexed by search engines like Google, Bing, etc.  There are ways to exclude this forum from being indexed, but I don't know if that technical step has been done.  My fear is just being stalked and then more abuse, rage, or violence ensuing.

2.  I edit the living crud out of my posts, even hours, days, or weeks later.  This forum has a 1 hour deadline, and that will make it impossible for me to correct mistakes in my long posts.  It'll also prevent me from redacting stories that can hurt my privacy, etc.  It just gives me anxiety that I can't edit posts here, and I'm deciding whether I should just find another forum to call home or not because it's something really important to me.  But also what's important is to find a free support group of other survivors -- kind of like this website and forum -- to get my questions answered before more drama or chaos or violence happening.

I'm basically dealing with 4 close family members who have different kinds of PD level traits, and I'm being as truthful as possible by saying it's not just one and I'm not exaggerating.  Stepdad has traits consistent with narcissism, and I found out he's kept secret a f* level criminal history and that might explain why his family has gone NC with him -- but I've noticed communication is difficult with him and he lies compulsively.  I can create a separate thread for stepdad stuff.  My mom has abused me since I was a baby, and I have learned the past 5 or so years her traits are consistent with BPD (and maybe the vulnerable subtype of NPD as well) -- but my mom stuff is so significant that I'll make a separate thread just for mom stuff.

This thread I want to focus on my elderly dad who has a history of traits consistent with NPD -- I'll go into details as well as my half-brother who I don't even know and have only met about 10 times total my entire life, because apparently (according to my dad) he tried to murder me when I was a newborn and he was a young teenager, and my dad strangled him and he ran away.  But he's back and he is extremely, extremely NPD in the malignant subtype, and I wonder if he's also ASPD because of the penchant for so much violence.  But I think the difference between malignant NPD and ASPD (sociopathy, psychopathy) isn't really the important thing to focus on.  I have so many examples I want to share, and so many questions -- many of which are pretty time-sensitive.

I already have everything written so I can just copy and paste my existing posts, but my fears are:

1.  I'm afraid I'll be met with silence here just like I was met with silence on my medical forum with people I've been friends with for 20 years.  If THEY are silent to me, why would you guys (strangers) take me seriously, yanno?  I know this is irrational, but I'm just scared this place isn't safe and I'll be ignored too.  FWIW, I'm posting in good faith.  I'm NOT here to troll or mess with people.

2.  I'm afraid the inability to edit my posts, edit mistakes, and remove personal information might make this forum a showstopper unless TPTB simply turn off that artificial lock.  It's not my place to come to a new room of people and tell them how to run their own site, business, and outreach, so please don't think I'm trying to do that.  It's just 100% of my dozens of forums I'm a member of, only this one has that rule in place.  I need to be able to edit my posts because I make a ton of errors, and sometimes my grammar or sentence structure could be a lot better and I say things that are unclear.  I badly want clarity and to be understood, since I feel like my abusers misunderstand me on a near daily basis, and I have learned it's on purpose and not an innocent mistake/misunderstanding.

If you guys give me some re-assurance that this forum isn't indexed by search engines (and the content), I'll feel safer opening up.  Because the consequences of being discovered here are bad bad and can maybe lead to more violence at the worst, because no matter how old these people get, I've noticed that NPD rage and BPD rage are very constant.  They never go away or get better, hence why I think they really do have undiagnosed PDs.  (Note:  I'm not a clinical psychologist or psychiatrist so cannot diagnose and that's not my point.  A couple of my friends on the other forum either trained in psychiatry or are done with psych residency -- one focuses on BPD too! -- but they have busy careers and children and I don't want to dump this on them privately too much, even though they are both available somewhat.  Another friend I grew up with is a clinical psychologist, but I'm too scared to dump this on him, and I've also learned that a LOT of mental health professionals do NOT have specific expertise in understanding or treating personality disorders -- all that Axis 2 stuff, so that could be very prone to getting bad advice from them since it's not their specialty or wheelhouse.)

Thank you so much.

Edited to add:  If I get the green light and reassurance from you guys that I won't be ignored or dismissed here for months or years at a time AND I'm safe from every word we say being scooped up by Google/Bing, I'll proceed.  There's no way to talk about this stuff without sharing a few details though, but I'll try to censor a little bit so it's not super specific.  Thank you thank you.
Edit 2:  fixed 2 spelling errors

[Call Me Cordelia]

Hi! I do want to reassure you that you won't be ignored or dismissed here. This is a good group of people.

I'm a former moderator on here, and the time limit on editing posts helps with continuity and moderation. This is a heavily moderated forum. If you in the future want a post deleted, you can request this, up to three times if memory serves. All posts are erased after five years. I just tried googling the title of one of my recent posts and it didn't come up, but I defer to current mods about that question.

You can make as many new threads as you need to. In fact, threads are locked after they are five pages long. It might help to think of this place as more for peer support than for purely organizing your own thoughts. Keeping to one topic per thread is helpful, and the subforums further help to keep things organized. I know I have dozens of threads about stuff with my parents, and dozens more about my in-laws, and even more about just me! It's all good.

[Tribe16]

Hi CSPF and welcome.

I'll address your first concern which I know nothing about as far as data mining and indexing on website - You'll see most everyone here uses a handle and for me, I want to remain anonymous too as do most people I'm assuming. And since there aren't a lot of people here, don't get upset if it takes a few days for others to weigh in. There may not be a lot of quantity in responses, but there is a lot of quality.

Maybe other readers can weigh in if they have been "discovered" or confronted about their postings here?

I edit the living crud out of my posts, even hours, days, or weeks later.

Perhaps if you just post from your heart and not strive to make it perfect - I think you will find that this is a warm and accepting community. We all get it - we don't all experience PD family members in the same way, but we have all experienced emotional abuse, recognize it is real and understand and empathize with you in how you are experiencing trauma.

My fear is that maybe I'm the problem or the narcissist or something

The fact that you wonder this pretty much establishes that you aren't because of your ability to self-reflect, something EI/PD people cannot do.

This thread I want to focus on my elderly dad who has a history of traits consistent with NPD -- I'll go into details as well as my half-brother who I don't even know and have only met about 10 times total my entire life, because apparently (according to my dad) he tried to murder me when I was a newborn and he was a young teenager, and my dad strangled him and he ran away.  But he's back and he is extremely, extremely NPD in the malignant subtype, and I wonder if he's also ASPD because of the penchant for so much violence.  But I think the difference between malignant NPD and ASPD (sociopathy, psychopathy) isn't really the important thing to focus on.  I have so many examples I want to share, and so many questions -- many of which are pretty time-sensitive.

This is very scary and I'm so sorry that you are experiencing this. I hope you are taking precautions to protect yourself, not only emotionally but physically.

I hope you will find a safe place to open up here as you need. Wishing you nothing but health, safety and strength.

[Rebel13]

Hello Craving,

It really sounds like you have a lot going on and I'm so sorry to hear that. I'm wondering if it's possible for you to access therapy in some way? With all of the relationship stress in your life, it seems like in-person, personalized support might be very good for you. I know it's not an option for everyone though.

Some things that have helped me are the work of Pete Walker; Rick Hanson's work on neuropsychology; and the YouTube channels of Emma McAdam/Therapy in a Nutshell and Heidi Priebe. You might also find some of the Crappy Childhood Fairy's videos interesting.

https://pete-walker.com/
https://rickhanson.com/
https://www.youtube.com/@TherapyinaNutshell
https://www.youtube.com/@heidipriebe1

Regarding your concerns about the forum, you might want to write your posts in another app, and then review them there, or think about them for a while, before you decide whether it's right for you to post them to the forum. There's really no way to be 100% secure and anonymous posting something online and you definitely need to do what feels most safe for you.

Wishing you the best.

[CravingSafetyPeaceFreedom]

I'm overwhelmed and things are escalating.  So in this post I'll just copy-paste a redacted form of stuff from my notes.  These are NOT communications to/from my abusers or whatever, just some thoughts I've been working on that sort of summarize recent situations.  It's really long!  In the next post I'll ask more questions about recent stuff with my dad escalating today.  I'm not sleeping well with all of this.  If you see anything too personally identifying, let me know and I'll edit my post!  I censored ages, dates, and locations.

[Beginning of some of my notes I've had for a long time]

* NPD/ASPD/BPD Survivor support groups – I have pages of walls of text documented on this elsewhere (forum posts, text documents, and text messages) over the years so I won't dump everything here, but I'm curious if you know of any free support groups (either in person or online) that are also private that offer survivors a place to learn how to deal with NPD/ASPD/BPD abusers.

I started my learning/healing/recovery journey over five years ago and I've learned a lot.  I've watched hundreds of videos (I like Ramani Durvasula, PhD's YouTube channel), read hundreds of articles, and spoken with other survivors online but not in dedicated support groups.  They get me and can relate!  Whereas others who haven't been on the receiving end of narcissistic, anti-social, or borderline abuse act like they have no idea what I'm talking about or what it's like or just how extreme, chaotic, dramatic, emotionally dysregulated, and sometimes physically violent people with Axis 2, Cluster B traits really are and how abuse lasts years/indefinitely.  One of the hardest things to swallow is that I didn't cause it, and I can't fix it, and they will NEVER change.  I've talked to some friends who are clinical psych PhDs and another who is a DO psychiatrist who is currently in a fellowship focusing on BPD patients, and I've talked to friends who are also abuse survivors.  100% of them say that without the BPD, NPD, ASPD (etc.) individual voluntarily going to and sticking with therapy, they will never, ever improve in the slightest.  They say that my only solution is to 100% create distance (physical and emotional) from these people (even though they are close loved ones!) or they will destroy me, and there will be continued episodes of rage, manipulation, control, deception, impulsivity, everything.

Yet no matter how many hours/day I spend thinking or ruminating on the latest rage/explosion/cursing episode/blaming/DARVO/FOG behavior, I can't find a logical explanation for what is most certainly severe mental illness and severe emotional dysregulation.  I think that I'm overthinking BPD, NPD, and ASPD and trying to find logic in personality traits that are literally not about logic.  Or truth.  Or healthy communication.  I think that's why I keep running into roadblocks in trying to understand them, their words, and their actions.  I keep thinking if I only say the right magical words they'll suddenly learn to self-reflect, to have empathy, to stop the extreme rage +/- violent thoughts, to stop the manipulation and preying on others to take advantage of them, to stop the extreme emotional lability (like with BPD at least).  But I think perhaps I'm trying to project traits onto someone who, since childhood, has developed personality traits that are counter to having a healthy, loving relationship with healthy communication and relating.  It.  Never.  Ends.

Besides reading non-stop free articles and videos, I've also purchased Stop Walking on Eggshells:  Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder by Paul Mason and Randi Kreger and It's Not You:  Identifying and Healing from Narcissistic People by Ramani Durvasula, PhD, but I haven't yet read them cover-to-cover.  I need to.

I've also learned that many/most physicians 1) have no expertise in this stuff (even clinical psychologists and psychiatrists may not have training in PDs and can give bad advice, I've learned); and 2) have no personal experience with either parents/siblings/romantic partners who suffer from a personality disorder.  I read one article online (written by an MD who is also an abuse survivor) that creating distance from pathology is super helpful.  I can echo this!  Whenever I'm able to enforce ZERO communication and focus on my own life/to do list/goals, I feel so much safer and saner, and this also helps with sleep, stress, chest pains, happiness.  Everything!  But I've also found zero success trying to have a logical and emotionally mature conversation with my abusers on exactly why low contact or no contact is best for me, since they seem to re-write the narrative that I'm the bad guy or the bad son or the "demanding little shit" or the person who has turned into a recluse and shut out human contact.  I'm not!  Only to them!  The amount of projection and lack of self-awareness/self-reflection on their end contributes to them never thinking they are the problem and simply continuing the narrative (I assume to protect the extremely fragile ego in the case of NPD) that I'm the source of all their problems.  I've learned about "scapegoating" as well.  I'm not that bright in my thinking I can "never give up" and keep trying to communicate in healthy ways with these people, at least consistently.

My dad in $DadState has been violently abusive and NPD since before I was born.  As a kid I thought it was just the alcoholism that was the root cause, but I was confused why, when he stopped drinking completely, he was still abusive.  I now understand Axis 2 stuff a lot deeper than I did even as an undergrad in my 20s doing a psych minor.  I didn't make the connection that my n=tens of thousands of incidents/episodes from my parents were attributable to abuse and mental illness, mostly because the manipulation/gaslighting/blame were so incredibly effective on me, so I always was led to believe that I was the crappy son or person.  Anyway, my dad cut off communication 2020-2024 over a misunderstanding but then somehow forgot that he was the one who cut off communication and instead made up the story that I was the one who cut off communication, and from past experience in trying to get accountability, he will become enraged and sometimes violent and will flip the script on me, then it will lead to years/decades of contempt and vengeance, smear campaign, playing the victim so I'm the bad guy, and further cutting off communication (known as silent treatment or stonewalling) for weeks/months at a time or then threatening to write me out of his will if I don't do x, y, or z.  He is battling [redacted] cancer now, and my older estranged half-brother is back in my life after ghosting the family for 30+ years.  (The history is when I was born, he didn't get the attention he craved and tried to murder me when he was about 13 – I was an infant! – and my dad strangled him, and he ran away from home to live in foster care.  He has had a history of violence since his early childhood, bringing weapons to school and getting in fights.  This propensity towards criminality and violence and manipulation continues through adulthood, and he brags about his ability to trick people into getting what he wants, and he says he does not care about others and is "an ***hole and will never change."  So this tells me he's self-aware of his NPD/ASPD traits but only when convenient!  Because in the middle of his rage/emotionally unstable episodes, he completely lacks self-awareness of his lack of empathy or his propensity to lie and manipulate!  It's selective!  It's hypocritical!  It's illogical!)  Apparently because I'm not willing to live with my father in $DadState on his couch (My dad is a hoarder and his house is a safety and health hazard, and the carpet is from [decades ago] and full of cat urine.  I wouldn't be safe living there.) that I'm the worst person imaginable, and he's called me raging or blaming me for things that aren't true.  He cuts off communication and gives me the silent treatment for weeks/months at a time but projects that onto me and says that I'm the one who doesn't communicate (see the script-flip here?).  I have my own serious health issues.  I can't safely drive 1000 miles to put my life on hold to live on a couch with my dad who is also incredibly difficult to be with.  I'm trying to also help out with my mother and stepfather who are elderly and have their own severe health issues too.  No matter how hard I try to "explain" to half-brother, it just leads to more rage and silent treatment, vengeance, smear campaign, etc.  Very NPD/ASPD behavior.  I don't know why he is suddenly back in my and my dad's life after ghosting for 30 years.  He is now executor on my dad's will (I was executor up until my dad cut off communication 2020-2024) and seems to be very close to my dad.  I can't help but wonder if it's all part of a long game to get inheritance or control.  I've learned over the past 5 or so years or healing that it is impossible to get through to these people that violence is wrong, rage is wrong, DARVO (Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender), FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt), deception, gaslighting are wrong, etc.  I genuinely think they do know the difference between right and wrong but choose to hurt others on purpose.  Which means they are actually evil people and which also means that it's a fool's errand to try to "teach" them or correct their behavior.  Example:  Take the stereotypical scenario of the wifebeating husband and the wife victim.  We tell the wife to get to safety and create distance, not try to "teach" the crazy person right from wrong or to teach the abuser to self-reflect or to stop being impulsive or violent or emotionally dysregulated.  So I think my attempts at explaining or teaching are only in vain but also very counter-productive since it just makes the abuse much worse.

I say all this in my $MyAge now, and these patterns of behaviors and traits have been remarkably consistent for the decades I've known these people, which further confirms what I've learned about Axis 2 stuff: that they are pretty much permanent.  Essentially, everyone's personality traits (good, bad, and in between) develop from a very young age and become more cemented in adolescence and early adulthood and are rather inflexible to change from that point onward.  Therapy is only marginally helpful.  It's just hard for me to "accept" that these people will be like this until the day they die, which to me seems like a wasted human life.  Why destroy so many others in your family when you can simply self-reflect and change who you are from the inside and then have the loving, healthy interpersonal relationships that people crave?

Yet when I try to create distance, they don't understand that they are the source of the instability and react with very real consequences, rage, violence, toddler like tantrums (in adult bodies).  It's hard to get through how severe this actually is to those who haven't experienced any of this, but I assure that I'm not being dramatic or overly sensitive by making these claims.  People with Cluster B traits really, truly are that unstable and destructive.  They thrive on chaos.  When I visited my Dad in $DadState and also "met" my half-brother for the first time in decades, my dad made a comment when my half-brother and I came back from a walk in the backyard that he thought maybe I was already dead and buried in the backyard.  He said this genuinely and not as a joke/sarcasm.  I don't think his thinking is healthy, and I'm still concerned for my safety when dealing with my half-brother and father.  They both have very real, documented incidents of domestic violence going back decades, so this isn't all in my head.  Yet when I try to go low contact with these people, instead of them self-reflecting and getting better (all impossible), it just leads to contempt, vengeance, spreading false narratives, silent treatment, etc.  No matter how many hundreds of times I try, I cannot have healthy communication with these people or a healthy relationship simply due to how broken they are in the head.  I believe this with all my heart.  I'm understating in this letter the emotional and physical toll this has taken on my health.  My dad has been in and out of the hospital the past few months, but healthy communication via text or calls has been impossible.  I'll call and leave voice mails, and he says he hasn't gotten a single voice mail from me in years.  I'll send an important text message to him about his health care/hospital patient account, and he'll say that he's never sent me a text message (false, we've texted since maybe [redacted] if not longer) and then he'll arrogantly mock me for not using Facebook or 5 other ways to text him.  It doesn't feel like an innocent mistake of not getting my calls, texts, or voice mails – very selective.  Since mid-July 2025 my dad hasn't replied to my calls, voice mails, or texts.  He got a new phone but my calls, voice mails, and texts haven't gone through, so I fear he is randomly going silent with me again but if I bring this up, he'll rage at me at the top of his lungs and then accuse me of being the one who cut off communication – in other words, he, like my half-brother, has a propensity to accuse me of exactly the very thing that they are doing to me.  It's projection/DARVO.  I don't know what to do, so I'm sending a letter to my dad in case it's an innocent mistake, which may be unlikely from a lifetime of past experience.  It's just so bizarre and confusing to me and 100% preventable.

My mom has been unstable and violent since before I was born, and I now understand her traits to be consistent with BPD with maybe some comorbid NPD traits as well (vulnerable subtype, perhaps).  I can't "fix" her extreme emotions and emotional lability.  I can't fix her extreme impulsivity.  She has been bed-ridden for a few years now and looks to be in her [very elderly age] despite being in her [not as elderly age].  My stepdad is her full-time caretaker, and she treats him pretty horribly.  Extreme entitlement and making him do everything.  Taking hours to get to bed, then having to pee then taking more hours to get to bed again.  Yet I can't seem to get through to him how personality disorders work – he's profoundly under her "spell" for some reason, and I don't know how to wake him up.  It just backfires and he makes me the bad guy sometimes.  He tends to side with her and she tells him what to think and how to feel.  I can see the contempt growing between them over the years, and I lack the power or expertise to fix them.  I think even a clinical psychologist wouldn't be able to fix deeply ingrained traits.  Mom has FREE health care through Medicare and Medicaid but refuses to use it to get better.  She is doing in-home hospice, but the RN that visits only takes basic vitals and doesn't make progress – and they bill Medicare thousands of $$$ per visit – even billing for visits that don't happen!  (I can't prove this but if this is true, that's fraud.)  I'd kill for free health care to get better!  She is obsessed with dying and keeps saying (daily) she is going to die that day or night, and even though I know better by now to fall for it, it still leads me to worry about her and it leads to a night of zero sleep.  She keeps saying she will do something (like my suggestion of physical therapy to walk again) but completely lies about it.  (I've learned this is called "future faking" where you lie chronically about this stuff.)  I have constant cPTSD nightmares mostly with my mother's abuse my entire life, and I've managed to reduce how often they occur by simply going "low contact" with my mother and reducing communication and learning to "grey rock" or "yellow rock."  Yet when I try to explain BPD or how Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) may help her or how her "splitting" (all-or-nothing, black-or-white thinking") works, or how her emotional dysregulation works, it falls on deaf ears or she flips the script and says I'm the problem and bad son or bad Christian.  My mom is a former nurse, by the way, from before I was born.  In her words she was the "best, #1 nurse" but I think that is just her narcissism speaking, because she doesn't come across particularly knowledgeable about anything health care related.  I read in Stop Walking on Eggshells that BPD people tend to have the emotional maturity level of 3-year-olds and narcissists tend to have the emotional maturity of 6-year-olds.  I've found this to be consistent with my life experience (n=10's of thousands of episodes) with my family.  So I'm kind of idiotic for trying to reason or teach my mom.  She isn't physically violent anymore like she was in my childhood, but her other traits have been consistent.  I just feel completely powerless in getting her the help she needs so that she can walk again and live again.  I think her Axis 2 traits are getting in the way of her Axis 3 medical issues.  I also know that BPD people often struggle with suicidal ideation (SI) and death and feelings of worthlessness/emptiness, so that may explain her pervasive desire to die and go to heaven, on top of her diffuse neurological pain.  I also read on PubMed that there is a highly recommended book:  Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist: How to End the Drama and Get On with Life by Margalis Fjelstad, PhD, LMFT, but I haven't ordered it yet.  I can't imagine my stepfather putting in effort in learning about this stuff – I've tried for years but I can't get through to him on a rational or intellectual level.  He's told me he feels "stuck" in caretaking my mother, since it has completely taken over his life and his time and his energy.  I can't imagine how my life would be if my future wife were like this, physically.  It's even worse if there's personality disordered abuse involved.

I've accidentally learned that my stepfather is hiding a secret f* crim**** history for a *** crime against **ildren, which potentially explains why his first marriage came to an end and why [redacted] cut off communication with him.  He's not once brought this up so he may not know that I accidentally found out about this, so please don't tell him!  He mentioned once that he did something bad earlier but never elaborated, but I think I'm making the connection.  All this said, it's really hard to have healthy conversations with him, because he interrupts me very often (at least daily), or he misunderstands me and responds to statements I never said, and I can't explain the arrogance or saying one thing but constantly doing another, the lack of accountability, the need for attention, etc.  I'll have to go through these things with a future psychologist, but he also seems to have abusive personality traits separate from the sexual abuse traits.  It's impossible to confide in him about stuff with my mom, father, or half-brother, since I can't get through to him about how personality disorders work.  I can't get him to stop compulsively lying, either.  Do people lie because they truly not know that lying is wrong, or do they know it's wrong but choose to lie/manipulate anyway?  I fear it's the latter.  Whenever I've confronted an abuser (parent, ex-girlfriend, friend) about their chronic lying or manipulation, the response I get is either rage or a strange, evil smirk in their eyes that indicates that they know that I know they're lying but they continue to double down and lie even more.  It's like it's one weird game.  I think this is one manifestation of pure evil.  I think even though we have a clinical framework to understand this stuff (NPD, ASPD, BPD, etc.) it doesn't excuse these people at all.  Though the traits in my mother, father, half-brother, and step-father differ, one thing is common:  there is a great deal of chronic lying, and it's frequent.  Big things, little things.  I've learned that deception/lying/manipulation/gaslighting are central traits shared in Borderline, Narcissistic, and Anti-Social PDs, so this isn't merely "all in my head."

I think the solution with all of these people is to simply get away, both physically and emotionally.  For the record, these people aren't cartoon caricatures of villains and it isn't 24/7 chaos or rage or violence.  They can be very reasonable, calm, loving, "normal" people.  It's not all good or all bad.  And at least with narcissism, it's very selective in who they abuse.  They wear a "mask" in public and with most people and only show their true colors to very specific, close people, leading to a scenario where nobody believes the victim or they believe that the victim is exaggerating or just being hyper-sensitive.  This leads to a dynamic I call "gaslighting by proxy," where clueless third parties further the trauma by not understanding or believing what the victim says about the abuser or what was said or done.  I've learned from talking to other survivors in forums that this is extremely common.  The breath of fresh air in talking to other survivors is that it helps validate that my perception and analysis of what's happening is accurate.

To be crystal clear:  My dream (after getting my physical health back and sleeping well and being able to work full-time again) is to save up enough $$$ to find a good PhD level clinical psychologist who specializes in narcissistic/borderline/anti-social abuse recovery so I can go over everything since I was a baby and to help deeply analyze why things happened and to help with my healing.  I 100% want this – maybe it'll take over a year of talking with this person to go over all incidents and questions.  (And ultimately, the solution is for the people with personality disorders to get therapy to correct their mental illness in the first place, but everything I've learned and heard so far is that personality disorders – especially things like NPD/BPD/ASPD are notoriously difficult if not impossible to cure, let alone treat.)  But I've read that it's perhaps $200-250/hour, and I have $0 income and zero access to health care.  And if I had thousands of dollars right now, I'd allocate them to good neuro/sleep doctors so I can stabilize my breathing and sleep problems so I can work again and be independent again.  My #1 priority is my physical health and getting access to health care.

My ask to you:  In the meantime, do you know of any good private, free, online or in-person communities where I can get solutions from other survivors?  I don't want to go through this alone, but when I try to talk to my closest friends online, I am ignored or blamed.  I don't like Reddit since it's not only fully public, but there are some ethical issues with using people's posts to train AI.  In all of this, please do not reach out to my mother, father, half-brother, or stepfather about any of this, because there is a very realistic chance it can lead to escalation in drama, rage, vengeance, and other issues.  My mom and stepdad are genuinely kindhearted people, and I'm grateful for their love, so I feel conflicted in opening up about my experiences with this, but I also don't want to downplay the abuse stuff, because that's very real too.  Both are true at the same time.

[End of some of my notes I've had for a long time]

[CravingSafetyPeaceFreedom]

So the above is sort of a long summary of some stuff.  I'm going through personal health problems now with zero access to the health care (especially specialists) I need to get back on my feet and working again and independent again.  It's a multi-year rut of trying many ways to get access to health care but running into roadblock after roadblock.  I'm dependent on some older family members now, but they are going through their own health battles, and one is the full-time caretaker to the other.  If something happens to either of them, I risk being homeless.  And if I'm homeless, I'm dead because I need shelter and health care for some chronic issues.

Anyway, I tend to talk to my Dad at least once a week on a call.  He's battling cancer now, but that hasn't changed his personality (and his possible NPD/ASPD traits).  They've been consistent for decades, ever since I was a baby.  Even earlier I'm told.  I thought it was the alcoholism but when he stopped drinking when I was in middle school, I was confused why the arrogance, contempt, rage, passive-aggressiveness, silence/ignoring, emotional distance, lack of empathy/remorse, need for superiority despite being insecure, etc. persisted.  Only in the past 5-7 years have I been putting in the long hours learning deeply about PDs.  I've focused in Cluster B and it explains my parents very well, as well as my half-sibling and a few others.  And no, I don't think everyone has a PD btw -- not casting a wide net.  Some of my friends are clinical psychologists and a couple are psychiatrists -- one focuses on BPD now and is in fellowship, so I'll have to reach out to him.

Anyway my Dad ghosted me 2020-2024 over text when I asked him to please share my contact info with my half-sibling since I didn't have a phone number and we had to use this one messaging/calling platform.  I said I'd love to hear from him and haven't heard from him in decades.  My dad somehow misunderstood that and just said "Consider this my last contact" and "Have a great life" and vanished.  Ghosted.  Silent treatment.  I've read this is called "narcissistic discard" but I'm still learning all the psych details.

Yet in this time period, he forgot that he had discarded me, and the narrative became ME being the one who ghosted him!  And that I had become a recluse to the world!  His Christmas and birthday cards were callous and nasty.  No love.  Hateful words.  I remember checking my PO Box one night at like midnight and reading his card and man-crying my eyes out for 20-30 minutes because of how badly I felt misunderstood.  I was so confused because I didn't even know where to BEGIN with correcting the details, if that makes sense.  I wasn't the one who cut off communication with my dad!  He was!  But he forgot he did and his narrative was that I was.  I don't know if a smear campaign with his side of the family ensued or not.

So half-sibling is back in the picture with my dad after ghosting for 30 years (he lived in foster care after he tried to kill me and my dad strangled him) so he basically had a separate family to raise him.  This was decades ago but that's the history.  According to my mom he wasn't getting the attention he craved so according to my dad he just tried to kill me.  I have ZERO memory of this since I was a newborn or infant baby.  Anyway, my half-brother became buddy-buddy and very close with our dad.  If this is genuine and authentic, great!  And half-sibling was the one who was the "hero" "trying to get people talking again" and his narrative is he was the one to "convince" me to reach out to my dad again after 4 years of silence.  It's backwards!  On many of our catch-up phone calls, half-sibling bragged about being a used car salesman making $400's or $500's per year and bragged to me about his ability to get what he wants out of people/manipulate them.  This feels like being proud of being a master manipulator to me.  Kind of like an NPD confession?  He bragged about cheating with a married woman and when husband was angry, he pulled a firearm on them.  Why would he brag to me about this instead of being shameful?  (I also worked in a semi-law enforcement capacity at one job so I had access to FBI NCIC and NLETS databases so I looked up my half-brother (ethically!  my trainers and supervisors told me to practice looking people up including myself, friends, family, etc so I would learn the system since cops depended on me being fast for their safety).  I found out half-bro had had a restraining order against him and wasn't allowed to possess firearms.  I didn't know the context at the time but now it makes sense after half-sibling told me stories.  I asked him and he said many times over many calls that he didn't care about anyone but himself, etc.  Just seems like he's describing NPD to me.  He made lots of illegitimate children apparently and wasn't present in their lives.  It's as if my half-sibling did not respond well to his mom's and our dad's violent abuse growing up, and he turned into an abuser himself despite claiming that he "ended the cycle of abuse."  From therapy/self-help, he has many of the traits of malignant narcissism or even ASPD since from his childhood (age 5?  6?) he'd bring weapons to school or get in fights.  Lots of issues with violence from childhood and into adulthood.  As an adult, lots of stalking, restraining orders, etc.  He bragged to me there was a 100% chance he'd get in a bar fight if he's been out partying.  Makes me wonder if he has a criminal history.  He's also told me he's picked fights with random people in the check-out line.  He's a middle-aged adult!  Anyway, this feels very scary to me, and I don't think I'm overreacting.

When I made the road trip a year ago to visit my dad since he was battling cancer, half-sibling also met up and we caught up and walked around in the yard.  We both went back inside the house and my dad didn't see me at first so he said, "Thought [my name] was already dead and buried in the backyard since I didn't see him."  I froze with confusion and didn't respond.  Half-sibling went, "Dad, we're both too old for this."  I didn't understand THAT response either!  They were talking about me but I had no clue.  But maybe it's about the whole trying to kill me as a baby incident that I don't remember?

Anyway, half-sibling on our calls/texts we'd talk about Dad's cancer care and treatments, appointments, etc.  But half-sibling would ignore my calls, texts, and voice mails for weeks at a time and NEVER reply!  But then on our calls, he'd accuse ME of being the one who didn't communicate!  It's exactly like what my dad did/does!  He's accusing me of the very nasty things that he was doing!  So I tried to politely correct the record, but it just enraged him more!  I made the rookie mistake of JADE (Justify, Argue, Defend, Engage) or DEEP (Defend, Engage, Explain, Personalize) as Dr. Ramani puts it.  About once a month half-sibling would dramatically go, "When this is all over [i.e. Dad's succumbed to cancer] we're DONE!" or he'd just randomly ghost me for 2-4 weeks.  That silence was a blessing if I'm being honest, since it's super dramatic, but when you're in the moment, it turns your stomach and puts you in fight-or-flight mode with racing heartbeat and sense of dread and fear.  Talking with my half-sibling the past year on our calls has been... well honestly malignant NPD/ASPD like.  He once called me furious and accused me of being a drug/alcohol addict and that's why he couldn't reach me on Saturdays, because I was recovering from drugs and alcohol, etc.  (For the record, I don't do any illegal drugs, ever, and I'm on a long break from alcohol for years now because I want my health to improve first.)  But for 20-30 minutes, half-sibling was FURIOUS and combative and wouldn't let me get a word in and kept projecting and manipulating, etc.  I made the mistake of JADE/DEEP.  I even tried teaching him about Occam's Razer: that the most simple explanation with fewest assumptions is probably the right one rather than the elaborate one that I was a drug/alcohol addict.  "If you need help, let me know, because I can't take care of Dad on my own.  You need to pitch in.  I'm doing all the lifting" etc.  (paraphrased).  I legally have all calls recorded btw (didn't tell him) because of the constant gaslighting/manipulation.  I'll share these recordings when I can afford therapy someday.  But half-sibling didn't even know what Occam's Razer was (despite being an expert in all topics) and just argued even more!  I even referred to my text to him that I have a severe sleep disorder that's untreated and that EVERY DAY is a struggle for me with breathng and sleep.  So somedays I get 0 sleep and can't fall asleep until maybe 9 am or even 12 pm or 2 pm!  So if he calls, it's not because I'm on drugs but just getting precious sleep that my body desperately needs.  I also said that he was verbally abusing me and his combativeness is hurtful.  He then employed DARVO and went "That hurt my feelings" (he said this in a fake tone of voice) and "I'm not abusing you.  You're abusing me.  I'll show you abuse, buddy.  My mom would [insert bad things his mom did to him when he was a little kid]."  So YES, his mom absolutely did beat him up and abuse him badly.  So did our Dad.  And he never got therapy to heal from that and became violent himself.  But I hope you guys can see the DARVO here.  I tried to get accountability and call out his abuse in real-time, and he just got his feelings hurt and then raged at me even more and reversed victim and offender.

Half-sibling did this kind of drama on calls all the time, then vanish for a month and cut me off.  In April he did it again and said that I was the "demanding, selfish little ****" because I didn't make the 1000 mile drive to visit Dad and move in with Dad and live on his couch and be his full-time caretaker.  I can't drive long distances with my untreated sleep disorder!  I fall asleep at the wheel ALL the time!  I did make the trip last year but it was rough.  I fell asleep nightly on the way to my hotel room and a few times on the highway.  Half-sibling says, "We all have our health problems.  [talks about his health issues]" but then kept using Fear, Obligation, Guilt (FOG) and other nasty tactics.

On that call I asked him for Dad's neighbor's contact info just in case (she knew me best and babysat me and I was friends with her children growing up), and I used polite tone of voice, please, thank you, etc.  But half-brother kept toying with me and not giving me the information!  He kept "glitching" and going, "My my my, aren't you the demanding little ****?  We're DONE!!" and instead of defending, I just was either quiet or just went again, "Hey, can you please give me her contact info please?" and he'd just keep cursing me.  His wife was nearby I think and hearing his side of the phone call, so he kept going, "you demanding little ****" which I think was a way to be performative to her maybe?  Like look good in front of her?

Toward the end, I told him I had to practice yellow rock.  I guess you're not supposed to tell your abusers in real-time what techniques you're using, but I did because I just like being direct and honest and explicit.  So despite being an abuse victim himself and also an all-knowing expert, he raged at me and didn't know what that meant.  So instead of saying "narcissist" or anything that would indicate I was armchair diagnosing him (which I don't do!!) I just said, "It's something I'm learning from therapy on how to protect myself and deal with Cluster B abusive people."  So I said Cluster B, which includes NPD/ASPD/BPD/HPD regardless of any official diagnosis.  I was just being generic.  But he didn't know what Cluster B meant and raged more, so I just said, "Hey, I gotta end the call and let you go.  I don't feel safe" etc.

After I hung up end of April, he hasn't called/texted since.  He uninstalled the app again and discarded me.  All I did was stand up for myself.  But I also shouldn't have hung out on that 20-30 minute rage phone call to begin with.  I'm still learning!  I'm still a beginner with how to interact with them and how to get to safety or disengage.

I was shaking and hurt and wanted to talk to a sheriff's deputy here about learning how to get a restraining order (despite us being in different states), so I went to my bedridden mom for a hug.  But bedridden Mom is severely BPD (different kind of emotional dysregulation) and has abused me for decades.  Mom just raged at me and said I was being a bad Christian son and should use good tone of voice (I was using good tone of voice with my half-sibling and the phone recording proves it!)  Mom said I should not live in the past and learn to forgive.  (I wasn't living in the past -- this was fresh abuse!)  Mom misundestood me wanting to drive to talk to a sheriff deputy and just went "NO SUE NO SUE NO SUE NO SUE NO SUE NO POLICE NO POLICE NO SUE NO SUE" sorta like that.  My mom repeats words, phrases, sounds, syllables like that.  I think that's called "echolalia" but I'm still learning all the psych terminology.  But she's done that since I was a baby.  Ex: I told her "9:00 ish" once when talking about an approximate time.  And she didn't know what "ish" meant so she raged at me and kept going "ISH!  ISH!  ISH!  hahahahaha ISH!" and mocked me for about 10 minutes, repeating the sounds dozens/hundreds of times.  That sort of thing.

I realized then that I'm not safe confiding in my mother over the abuse of my half-sibling or father, etc.  She misunderstands immediately, doesn't understand anything, and then just kicks me when I'm hurting the most.  My stepdad immediately took her side and said she gave good advice and why was I taking things so deeply personally.  So that was 3-on-1 right when I needed support the most after getting abused on a 30 minute call.

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Anyways back to my Dad.  My dad is in and out of the Emergency Department/hospital about twice a month and he also has physical therapy, surgeries, chemo, etc. at many places.  We call every weekend.  Everything felt okay.

My dad said he couldn't get into his patient portal at one hospital so I ran with that and opened up a case and I texted him instructions on resetting his account login.  He never replied.  When I brought up that text on our call, he said he's never texted me (huh?), which is a lie since we've texted for the past 6-10 years!  He claimed to have never gotten that text.  He then yelled at me saying he didn't have time to do all this (it takes 5 seconds to send a "START" text to 12345 phone number FYI).  I wasn't asking him to reset it on the spot.  But also, in March I texted him to let me know of the results from his PET/CT scan so I can compare it to past scans to see if his cancer tumors have shrunk or grown.  He replied via text in March, "Will do."  So yes, he does text me!  Why say otherwise?  But still, since March, he has not kept his word.

I got the ball rolling at another reputable cancer hospital and asked them about video calls so he doesn't have to travel.  I texted him their response.  He never replied.  On our weekly phone call I brought it up, and my dad just sadistically went, "Well, I checked Facebook.  No text.  I checked Messenger.  No text.  I checked [names like 5 apps]".  It was almost like he was passive-aggressively mocking me for not using those other apps to text him.  So I don't think it was an innocent mistake.  It felt like my Dad was just ignoring all these texts on purpose and then rubbing salt in the wound!  I don't understand the logic.  It hurts!

I also call and leave voice mails all the time, at least weekly or so.  Just polite and nice and saying I love you and please call/text/voice mail when you can.  Or stuff like Merry Christmas, etc.  Or just stuff in my life.  So many dozen voice mails over the past year or so.  Not once has he replied to a voice mail!  And when I bring them up, he says he didn't get them!  That's a lie!  I don't understand this form of lying or gaslighting since it's so weird to me.  I also text him pretty pictures of plants, cats, sunsets, etc. to cheer him up since he likes stuff like that, and not once has he replied to them.  And when I bring up the pics on calls, he says he didn't get them.

It's all SO confusing to me.  It feels like he's lying to me or manipulating me, but I don't understand it!  I'm trying to be a loving, good son, helping with his hospital stuff and appointments or communicating via call, text, pics, voice mail, and he's claiming he doesn't get them.

So fast forward to July.  He's in the hospital recovering from surgery.  We call.  He's fine.  He says he'll be in a nursing home for about a week of physical therapy.  We call while he is at the nursing home.  He complains his phone's speakerphone stopped working so I assume he plans on getting a new phone.

That week I call him, leave voice mails, texts, etc.  All very polite!  Just a quick "Hey dad, trying to call you.  Love you.  Call me back whenever.  Or leave a voice mail.  Or a text."  That sort of thing.  I see that they're delivered to his phone, but he never replies.  Not even a quick 2-second text saying he's home from the temporary stay at a nursing home.

Then mid-week (this is July) my texts, calls, and voice mails stop being delivered to him.  I assume when someone gets a new phone that they transfer over all accounts and whatnot.  So I believe in "patience is a virtue" principle and follow it to a tee, even with my abusers (which is bad because abusers use "future faking" and lie about the future).  Anyway, I start worrying my dad is dead so I check obituaries every day.  I contact the hospital multiple times and they confirmed he's not there.  I still call, text, and voice mail my Dad all the time throughout July, and I have the screenshots to prove it!  (I won't share them here because of forum rules.)  But please believe me I'm telling the truth without exaggeration.  I tell my Dad in texts/voice mails that I'm worried sick about him and to please return my calls, texts, and voice mails as soon as he can.  Nothing.  They aren't even delivered.

My dad doesn't use out-of-band (OOB) ways to contact me like e-mail -- I haven't gotten an e-mail from him in years.  Or same with writing me a letter or short note.  I've been procrastinating with writing a letter to my Dad saying I'm worried sick about him and to please call me, text me, or leave a voice mail and I love him.

So my dad texts my stepdad last night saying if I don't contact him that he'll write me out of the will and I'll lose my inheritance.  I've heard this is a common tactic that narcissists and other abusers use to control their family into doing x, y, z.  So shame on my Dad.  But here's the thing:  the narrative is once again flipped!  My Dad is operating under the narrative that I was the one who suddenly ghosted him since July and I'm the bad son.  Whereas the truth is I'm worried sick about him and calling, texting, and leaving voice mails!  Reality is the exact opposite of his false narrative!  The inheritance is life-changing for me and would allow me to see the doctors I *desperately* need to get back on my feet again and working, and I could pay off student loans and be on a path towards dating and marriage.  I can have a future.  But what my dad doesn't get is it's not about money, currency, or assets.  It's about love.  It's about being a good father.  At no point in my life so far for decades has he not acted like a malignant NPD.  Incredible arrogance, physical violence, rage, discard, silent treatment.  This just corroborates everything I've learned about personality disorders so far in that they are likely permanent and unlikely to change much if at all, especially without voluntary self-reflection and dedication to therapy.  But whenever I address this directly with my dad, he immediately explodes yelling.  Zero apologies.  My entire life.  Zero accountability.  Immediate DARVO or flips the script.  Smear campaign with the family.  It follows a very familiar playbook to what I'm reading from other people's experiences.  And I don't know what magic words I can use to bring all this up to have an emotionally mature, safe, emotionally regulated conversation to bring about self-reflection and positive change.  I fear this is how he will be when he dies, and it's how I will remember him.

How do I get accountability?  He just gaslights, uses DARVO, curses, yells and rages loudly, belittles, devalues, etc.  He is reaching out to my half-sibling, stepdad, etc for me to reach out to him, so this is triangulation, I believe.  Why not contact me directly?  I can't express how badly I'm hurting inside.  Not just from this recent silent treatment episode, but also from the silent treatment from 2020-2024.  He doesn't even remember doing it.  I've been too scared to bring it up.

He's triangulating and getting my stepdad and Mom involved now to try to manipulate me into using other ways to communicate with him instead of what we've used for 6+ years or so for our video calls, texts, calls, etc.

Any advice on this situation with father and half-sibling?  They both have very similar personality traits, and they also seem to tag-team against me.  I want a life free from this abuse.  I want to feel and be safe.  I want to be my own man.  I want a future.  I want life and not death.  I'm scared and confused, and I consider myself fairly smart, analytical, and observant.  I think I'm a "truth-teller" from what I've read.  I'm also the "scapegoat."

[CravingSafetyPeaceFreedom]

Hello Craving,

It really sounds like you have a lot going on and I'm so sorry to hear that. I'm wondering if it's possible for you to access therapy in some way? With all of the relationship stress in your life, it seems like in-person, personalized support might be very good for you. I know it's not an option for everyone though.

I touched on this in the first post above from tonight, but my long-term dream would be to save up enough to see a good therapist (probably PhD level clinical psych), but one that is trained and trauma-aware specifically with helping survivors from Cluster B abuse (NPD, BPD, ASPD).  I want to go over stories, incidents, conversations, etc. from childhood to present day from Mom, Dad, a couple other family members, an ex-gf, etc.  I've read that they can be $150-250/hour, so a once a week session would be about $10,000/year for me.  I might need at least a year just to go over all the material in the intellectual and emotional depth that I want.

But right now I'm in a multi-year battle with my physical health.  I have major spinal issues that affect my breathing, and a related sleep disorder, and I want to find a way to navigate what I believe is an extremely broken health care system with no safety net for people to get back on their feet.  I have a PCP appointment scheduled soon and I wrote him a 20 page letter since I'm too sleep-deprived to talk properly in person to remember stuff.  But from my experience primary care doctors don't know neurology and sleep medicine in the depth that I need to get healthy again.  They just tend to throw drugs at me and wish me luck.  Rinse and repeat.  If I don't sleep, I can't drive safely, and my problem with past jobs was commuting to/from work at like 70-80 mph in rush hour on no sleep and I was risking my life just living that way.  But having a full-time job you can't really escape during the day to see docs without letting your team down, skipping meetings, etc.  I still did it but I had to make up those 2-4 hours at night so I'd be up til midnight or 3 am.  Only to get up at 6 am whether I had slept or not.

Chest pains, heart issues, liver issues.  I had to quit my job just to focus on my health care.  But the irony is when you quit a job you lose both income and health insurance, so it's a Catch-22.  I thought to myself a decade ago, "I'll just get a new better job and focus on health!"  But at both of these jobs I just couldn't get away.  One was hourly so I couldn't leave during the day.  And the last one was salaried but I was team lead and I was responsible for a $1 or $2 Million project for this company.  They hired me because they'd failed before.  I don't fail.  I work my butt off to help my team succeed, etc.  Just my personal work ethic.  But being in that position was working long hours, and I just didn't sleep, on top of my horrible sleep disorder.

So if I had that $10,000 for a year or so of therapy, it would be better allocated to hiring a good neurologist or sleep doctor or physical therapist so I can focus on life-or-death issues first.

In the meantime, I'm trying to watch YouTube videos (I like Dr. Ramani for narcissistic abuse stuff) and some other therapists.  And reading tons of articles.  And a couple books I bought that I need to make myself read.  I also found Out of the FOG main website like in 2017ish?  And it was life-changing and opened my eyes.  I read the whole thing then.  I need to re-read it.  Since I keep making mistakes of JADE/DEEP and getting involved in circular conversations, drama triangle, etc.

But sadly no.  It's a dream of mine, so don't misunderstand that I'm resistant to seeking therapy!  I want it!  It's just I don't have access to it for now.  And my physical health is not that great.  And I'm living with some family who at any moment can have a health emergency or pass away, and then I'm homeless.  It's a big fear of mine.

I can't handle literally 4 people with their own deception issues and emotional dysregulation issues.  I'm not amateur diagnosing anyone, but I know for 100% fact that I'm not mis-reading reality.  These people are exactly like the diagnosed BPD I've dealt with and exactly like the narcissistic abuse I've read on this site, in other forums, in hundreds of YouTube videos, and from speaking to other survivors.  So I'm confident I'm dealing with very likely PDs.

I'll reach out to my irl friend who is a PhD clinical psychologist, but I don't want to trauma dump on him if that makes sense since I'm his friend not his client, and he has a family and career.  I'm just struggling bad.  And the abuse leads to many nights with 0 sleep, on top of my pre-existing severe sleep disorder (diagnosed).

I'm scared, confused, and hurt, and I have no where to go or nobody to talk to who believes me.  I think you guys believe me.  People who reply in YouTube comments also believe me.  Some online friends I've dm'd and texted with who are survivors of abuse also 1) understand me; and 2) believe me.  So that is such a major relief to be validated that it sounds silly saying this.  But I just want to be heard and believed, since the gaslighting and rage are so strong.  And I feel powerless in finding the right "magic" words to confront my abusers about their NPD, BPD, ASPD, behaviors even when I bring screenshots or recordings, etc.  It's like I'm dealing with satanic children in adults' bodies.  Some of them are my parents but the squirming and whatnot is really interesting and weird to me.  For my mom for example, it feels like she belongs in an in-patient psych setting.  It's bad bad with her uBPD stuff.  Like I've gone to the bathroom before and she'll knock on my bedroom door and I'll say I'm #2, and she'll break down on the ground like a performance, and say "you no love mommy?" and I'll just say I'm in the bathroom and I'll be out in 5 minutes! but she'll continue the narrative that I'm abandoning her.  Very much a BPD trait I think.  But this was before she was bed-ridden and she hasn't walked in 3 years or so.

I'm scared.  I'm scared of being homeless.  I was making a good salary when I was on my own and working.  But I had to quit my job (3 jobs in a row after a good 6 years or so) since my health kept getting worse.  But in USA, health care is tied to health insurance, and health insurance is tied to a full-time job.  I'm screwed.

Thanks for the links btw.  I'll try my best to check them out.

I'm typing all this in a "safe" place on public WiFi since I just don't feel safe at home.  I feel like my stepdad will force me and hand me his phone with a screaming father or half-sibling yelling at me again.  I don't want that in my life.

I tried to explain LC (Low Contact) and NC (No Contact) to my stepdad yesterday as well as grey rock and yellow rock.  But EVERY time we have this conversation for the past 5+ years, he pretends like it's the first time he's heard those words!  But he's an abuser himself so why doesn't he know his own traits?  And similarly, his wife (my mom) abuses him with her BPD/NPD traits and rages at him constantly or invalidates him, etc.  So when I try to help him "wake up," it backfires and he says I'm the mental case.  I even told him about this site years ago and how much it helped me so it could help him wake up from my mom's "spell," but nope.  He is voluntarily a flying monkey.  Voluntarily allows himself to be controlled, manipulated, etc.  It's very confusing to me.

[CravingSafetyPeaceFreedom]

Re: my mom and stepdad are flying monkeys

I had to escape home earlier this afternoon.  My first intent was I wanted a lovely Sunday afternoon to get a bunch of finances done and organizing that and catching up.  But because stepdad told me about my dad's escalating to him again that "if you don't contact your dad you'll lose your inheritance" that made me super distraught because of the upside-down nature.  Since I've been trying to reach my dad since early to mid July with calls, texts, and voice mails saying I'm worried sick.  Does that make sense?  And not once has Dad answered or returned my calls yet he is going with his false narrative that I vanished/ghosted/went silent.  How do I even begin to correct the record yanno?

So I spent the past 3-4 hours basically typing the posts in this forum asking you guys for help.  And I'm gonna e-mail my hometown friend who is a clinical psych but I'll feel weird/bad because I'm not his patient/client and he also may not specialize in personality disorders and especially narcissistic abusers.  I'll also share this with my other group of online friends.

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Anyway my Mom is texting me some long paragraphs rehashing that if I don't call or leave voice mails with my Dad that I'll lose the house, money, inheritance and it'll all go to half-sibling.  (Half sibling again already inherited 10 rental houses or so from his late mother and also worked for many years selling used cars and bragged he made like $40-50K/month however much that is yearly.  He's doing fine.)  So yes, that's true what my Mom says.

But then my mom believes the false lie that I ghosted my Dad and haven't been reaching out.  My Mom said some nasty things that I'm a bad Christian son and "Don't be foolish" or "think of your future you ____" etc.  Because of forum rules, I won't share the exact paragraphs she sent.  But the general gist was she is a flying monkey and 100% believing my dad's lie that I'm not communicating.

The truth:  I've been calling, texting, and leaving voice mails to my Dad since July.  I've been contacting the hospital to see if he is a current patient in either the ED (Emergency Department) or the the main wards.  I've checked obituaries since I don't know where else to go.  I've been putting off writing a long letter and mailing it to my Dad.  In this letter I'll re-hash I'm worried sick about him and how he cut off communication again and show screenshots of all the missed calls, my texts, and voice mails.  And that I love him, etc.  And say that I'm scared of his rage.  And I'll go into detail on half-sibling's rage and aggression and abuse too.  My dad is aware my half-sibling is like this but he might not be aware it's happening to ME.  It's possible my half-sibling is charming my dad.  He does tell him everything he wants to hear and it "feels" slimy to me like it's his NPD charisma at work.

My mom also said that she can't leave a voice mail.  Yes she can.  She then yelled at me in texts that I need to allow people to leave voice mails in case of emergency, etc.  I don't even know how to begin to "correct" her with the truth of how to leave a voice mail.  You can leave a voice mail even without calling, too.  Heck, we all left my Dad a Christmas voice mail together singing some songs (he claims to never get it), so logically she knows it's all enabled.

Anyway.  My Mom is a flying monkey.  I'm not home yet but this place closes soon.  I'm too scared to go home.  From past experience since my mom is pretty mentally ill, I think trying to talk to her and explain the truth and show my side will just enrage her and she'll continue with interruptions, etc.

I'm not doing well right now.  I'm scared to go home.  I'm scared mom or stepdad will hand me THEIR phone with a raging dad and I won't even begin to get a word in saying I've been worried sick about him.  No matter what, in their narratives, I'm the bad guy or bad son.

I promise you guys, I'm not.  I'm trying my very best.  I don't know how to fix this.  I don't know how to defend myself.  I'm not doing well at all, because I think it's called gaslighting... these nasty attempts to re-write truth are really sadistic to me.  But MULTIPLE people are united in this false truth, which is what is so emotionally and mentally jarring to me.  It's exhausting since I don't know how to communicate with crazy people.  I've learned from this site and videos and books and articles the past 5-7 years that you CAN'T really engage or correct the record.

Will I sleep tonight?  Or will I go home to a mentally unstable and raging mom and stepdad and maybe dad too?

I haven't even eaten dinner yet.  In the past Dad and half-sibling have raged at me on the phone since I wasn't immediately available to call them and I had gone all day without even eating breakfast!  Unless it's an emergency, my feeling is calls can wait until a time that is good for both people, no?  Equal and courteous and healthy relationship dynamics.  With narcissism, the needs of the narcissist take precedence over the needs of their victims.  This 100% aligns with that.

Please help me.  And if you have faith, please pray for me.  Thanks.  Btw, I'm a grown man.  I'm an adult and have been on my own for decades.  I only moved in with mom/stepdad when my health kept getting worse and sleeping at the wheel, heart and other problems, etc.  So for the record, yeah it's embarrassing being dependent and a grown adult man "mooch".  It's not who I am.  I'm a workaholic.  As soon as I figure out how to get specialist health care and fix my c-spine and my breathing issues and then my sleep issues stable, I can drive and work and think again.  Then I'll be free.  Then I can be safer.  But right now?  I don't know how to be safe, both physically and psychologically.  And no, I'm not a danger to myself or others btw, so please no involuntary holds that can wreck my life.

I'm just scared of all these abusers since they won't leave me alone.  And even when I do communicate with them, they ghost me or go silent and then blame ME for the ghosting or silence.  Make this stop please.  Please God, please defend me somehow.  I don't know the path forward with this, but God does.

Thanks for your time and attention, Internet strangers and other survivors.  FWIW, I'm speaking as truthfully and accurately as I can in my posts.  None of it is exaggerated or made up.  I'm not trolling.  This is all very real even though it sounds so crazy.

[CravingSafetyPeaceFreedom]

I got home and it's 3:30 am. I'm not safe! I was getting dinner quietly and my stepdad came downstairs. I wanted a hug because I've been yelled at all day by mom and my dad using them as flying monkeys.

Stepdad and mom are up late since he caretakes her and she drags out bedtime to 5-7 am.

So I opened with "please don't yell at me" like I'm some weak wounded animal. Which I feel like. But he said he wouldn't yell at me. He then said, "Where were you?" And I told him this afternoon before I left that I was gonna take my laptop and find a place like in a coffee shop or park to work without interruption and be safe from abuse, especially with my dad escalating and raging. He didn't think much of it.  I told him I was gonna type up a lot on my abuse/psych support groups (i.e. you guys and some other online friends).  I was 100% honest before I left the house.

But when I got home after 2-3 am and he asked, I said "I told you earlier. I went out to work somewhere I can be safe. Like a coffee shop or restaurant."

And he yelled "Why won't you tell us exactly where you are? If there's an emergency we need to know where you are. I don't appreciate you not telling us." Then he walked upstairs back to his room.

I said "Can I please have a hug?" Twice but he kept walking. He's hard of hearing so that could be a reason but I said it loudly enough.

Reminder. I'm a grown adult and have been for many years. I'm not developmentally disabled or special needs or autistic. IMO this is a bit controlling and abusive.

If I have a medical emergency, then law enforcement and EMS and hospital staff can contact them. They don't need to know where I am specifically. That's creepy. When I was on my own for DECADES either in college or working a job in the real world, not once did I report my location to anyone, especially my parents in another state. Period.

If THEY have an emergency, then same thing, law enforcement or EMS or hospital staff can contact me. None of this requires knowing my exact location, ESPECIALLY when I specifically said I wanted to go somewhere to be safe from my abusers! How come my abusers don't understand that my privacy is EXACTLY THE POINT of me leaving?  I was on my laptop working my butt off in a public, safe place.  Surrounded by security guards/police and other boring adults also on their laptops or phones.

I'm not safe at home.

I'm also worried sick my dad will weaponize the police again and have them break down my bedroom door to call him. Which will enrage stepdad and my mom that I'm the bad son.  I forgot to mention to you guys that my dad DID weaponize the police here (he's in a different state) and they broke down my bedroom door when I was sleeping and the officer told me to "call your dad."  And again, this was after he gave me the silent treatment and stopped communication, but he flipped the script and I was the one not communicating, hence police.  So this has happened again, and he WILL do it again, because I feel like he's in NPD/ASPD rage mode in full escalation mode with the whole "call me or lose inheritance" tactic.

That or they will forcefully hand me a cell phone with my raging Dad in the line, even if I'm eating or sleeping.  My stepdad has done this in the past and chased me down in the house and handed me a phone with my raging half-sibling on it.

I don't want to sleep here tonight but I'm drowsy. IDK where to go. I have a new battery unit so I can drive somewhere safe with my CPAP machine and try to be okay in my car.

I've thought about going to the hospital ED but I dunno what they can do to fix this situation. Plus I'll end up with a other $20k bill just for seeking help.

The Sheriff's office is a long drive away but I can make sure if my dad calls them to do a welfare check I can notate in their CAD (computer aided dispatch) to not do the welfare check. But then that'll enrage my Dad, which will then enrage my Mom and stepdad.

I don't know how to communicate with malignant abusers. I don't feel safe.

[CravingSafetyPeaceFreedom]

I posted this somewhere else but it's relevant here and it's about my Mom being a bit...insane.
Disclaimer:  Per forum rules I've paraphrased the text messages.

So preface this with an older incident.  Few years ago I was out in the evening at either the Post Office, Walmart, Target, a grocery store, or a gas station (getting gas or maybe a chips craving?).  I probably documented this so I could get exact details.

But I came back to a LONG disturbing text from my Mom with the narrative of "Honey I love you and worry.  Are you out late drug dealer?" then the rest of a wall of text was her verbally abusing me for being a criminal drug dealer, bad Christian, bad son, no future, etc.  I don't remember the text.  I probably deleted it just for my mental health.  Because how the HELL do you respond to crazy accusations?  It puts you on the defensive, no?  But there's just like 20 individual crazy things that it'll take an hour of typing and quoting and correcting her mentally ill fantasy.

I'm not a psych professional, but it's as if she had an extremely strong emotion (fear) that I was out and up to no good.  Then that turned into some drug dealer lifestyle or something.  It is as if her feeling turned into fact and then she responded with rage accordingly.

I think this is in the BPD ballpark, but I'm not sure.  That's not the point tbh.  The point is it's dysfunctional and harmful, because I have no idea how to correct her emotional dysregulation and severe mental illness.

And again, I was genuinely doing something wholesome like groceries or Walmart/Target or getting gasoline.  Because of [suburb] traffic, it can take 30+ minutes each way to go into town or back home if things are crazy.  Even at night sometimes.

So here's what I got tonight and also just now.  I was still in my safe place using public WiFi when she sent the first text below.  And she just sent another text now.

Reminder disclaimer:  I'm paraphrasing to just give you guys the gist.  I don't want action taken against me for breaking forum rules please.

[My name] honey, where are you right now? Driving far from home, or going to unsafe places. I really worry about you, I had long talk to your dad, I always told him how you're such a good help around the house.  You need to talk to your dad in good way. This way make easier for him.
At least pay attention to him, and talk to him respectfully and lovingly. Call you dad first thing tomorrow. Be smart have wisdom, come home safe. Love,mom

Paraphrased a bit for forum rules.

honey, where you been? You just come home not too long ago. I been waiting for you and really worry for you. What kind of friends that you hanging with them sooooo late ? You go [far away coffee shop that's like 2 hour drive] with your body ? What kind of friends are you associating with? Gun sale license free job? Or just passing time? I worry about you, you never thinking about your future?!! How are you going to survive after I die? Call your dad tomorrow like a good Christian.

They are under the guise of being sweet, caring, and loving.  Sorta like lovebombing.  But I swear to you, they are a bit unhinged.  The first one infuriates me because she's continuing my dad's narrative I'm cutting off communication and saying I need to talk to my dad in easy way, etc.

The second one is prying for where I was.  I was inside a safe building.  Police were outside doing security patrols.  I was using free public WiFi.  I was surrounded by other people also on their laptops or phones doing work or reading.  I was lawfully present in this public area being boring on my laptop.  Like a grown-up.  But the whole point was I sometimes like working in a nice park.  Or Starbucks.  Or Panera.  Or McDonald's.  Sometimes I leave the house and I don't even decide yet.  I'm an adult and have been for years now.  I'm a big boy.  I left my room because at home I'm not always productive so sometimes when I'm out I can really focus on typing, work, finances, paying bills, studying for an exam, etc.  Get out of the house.

But also, with my dad escalating and triangulating with my mom/stepdad, I *definitely* do not feel safe at home.  So I wanted to leave but still get work done away from home.  I even specifically told that to my stepdad before leaving and he understood, but when I came home it as as if that convo never happened and he was in full angry flying monkey mode.  I felt deceived.

I hope this makes sense.

But I don't know how to respond to her questions.  What friends?  I'll be honest:  I don't have any irl friends here at the moment.  I left to eat dinner and WORK.  Solo.  I'm a big boy and sometimes adults work independently.  I didn't know what she meant about driving to a bakery "with your body".  I don't get her English.  Then she's prying on what kind of friends I'm hanging with (I'm not?) I have NO clue what she means by "gun sale license free job" whatsoever.  I was on [forums to get help from abuse].  I was also texting a very close friend who is also an abuse survivor.  And another friend over text.  And I was posting on [forums].  I was also posting on Out of the FOG website.  I was out doing exactly what I had told my stepdad I was doing before I left.  I try to live my life with my words and actions matching.  I told him I was gonna go out and work my ass off typing to get help on survivor/abuse/psych support forums on how to proceed with my father escalating.  My stepdad even said I had to accept he was [my dad's age] and not gonna change and to just move on.  But my stepdad changed his tune when my dad called my mom tonight or something.

The "never think about your future" accusation really upsets me, since all I care about is my future.  My health and access to health care.  Catching up on my 401(k) and Roth IRA, paying off student loans.  Becoming a father and husband even though I'm a bit older now (but I'm a guy so more biologically benefit).  I've been a forward-thinking, future-obsessed person since I was like 4 years old.  I promise you guys.  I wanted to go into "math, music, medicine" when I was like 4, 5 or whatever.  I have not stopped thinking about my future, what kind of [my current professional area] jobs to apply for next to GTFO out of this place, where in the country, the logistics if my dad dies and I need to get to [his state] to take care of his empty house that's dirty and full of stuff.

So I have NO idea how to respond to the "you no think of future?"  It infuriates me because it's a false narrative that is only in my Mom's mentally ill head.  I say this with love and ZERO hatred or arrogance.  I say this while being Christ-like.  I really think it's something related to her emotional dysregulation and BPD traits (and some NPD traits, vulnerable subtype).  Or it could be another psych issue.  It's just not as innocent as it comes across, I promise.

I don't feel safe here.  At all.  I want to drive to the hospital ED to explain my situation about being surrounded by abusive types, but I'm also scared of many things:

1.  I can't afford this.  So $20K bill maybe.
2.  I am petrified of some psychiatric involuntary hold against my will.  That would ruin my future on my record btw.  I'm not a danger to myself or others btw.  But I *am* overwhelmed by multiple people with known abuse histories.  I promise I'm not exaggerating.
3.  EM may not have expertise in personality disorders, specifically the gamut of BPD, NPD, and ASPD.  I don't know where to begin to summarize all the players.  Especially right now on 0 sleep.  I can't talk clearly or remember things.
4.  My mom, stepdad, dad, and half-brother will use this against me in a confirmation bias way.  Like, "Ah ha!  He's crazy after all.  Unstable worthless ungrateful.  I'm not him.  I'm mentally great and not an abuser.  He's totally mentally ill." that thing.  Or if they find out I don't feel safe around them, they'll twist that and get offended that I don't feel safe, and that'll enrage them and they'll call me paranoid, etc.  When I say "safety" I also speak of the emotional/mental/psychological aspect of being safe from abusive people who are constantly really malignant.  I think you guys get that but my abusers won't--they'll twist it to fit their narrative and perception of reality.

I say this because I made the mistake a couple times of telling my mom all I learned about some psych stuff and abuse stuff when she was raging at me years ago.  I told her she was mentally ill, and she immediately DARVOd and went "no u" or I'd try to give a real-time commentary that she was using strawman, circular conversation, FOG, gaslighting, and I'd try to give details logically on how she was manipulating or misunderstanding reality.  Or like she'd use all-or-nothing, black-or-white statements (common with BPD) and I'd try to teach her.  She'd just ignore the whole text or dismiss me in person and say "I don't understand." or whatever.

And whenever I shared this with my stepdad (to help him from getting abused from his wife/my mom), I was hoping it would "wake" him up from her manipulative spell and he'd begin to understand how her abuse works.  How her gaslighting works and how her emotional dysregulation works and the reasons she rages at him and others.  But instead he flipped it around and said that I was all those things.

So stepdad is helplessly under her spell.  He thinks how she tells him to think.  He feels how she tells him to feel.  He still expresses frustration, but he just... it's as if his brain is 100% turned off.  I say this with zero arrogance.

I need sleep, but I'm scared to sleep because my dad HAS and potentially WILL weaponize the police again to break in and tell me to call him.  Or he'll call stepdad and stepdad will be a good flying monkey and bust in while I'm sleeping or eating and just put the phone on my ear while my dad says the nastiest, abusive things to me.

I promise you this is not a paranoid delusion.  All of these things have happened.  And my impression with my Dad escalating the past day or two is that he is in full blown escalation/rage mode.  It's very real even if it sounds crazy to you guys.

I want irl people to believe me.  Maybe at the hospital ED.  Maybe at the Sheriff's Office, but that's so far away, and I'm drowsy.  And the hospital ED will take hours.

I'm so overcome with worry.  I don't even know how or if I should respond to my mom.  It's impossible to communicate with her.  I'll be honest:  I blocked her last week because she sent me nasty texts about not caring about my future or being a bad Christian son and when I DO read this texts, it sends me into a spiral and I get 0 sleep that night.  I'm *desperate* for healthy sleep.  So blocking her gave me peace.  And sleep.  And fewer chest pains.  I unblocked her tonight while I was on my laptop in my safe place.  I regret it.

Anything you guys can do to help me is appreciated.

[Liketheducks]

I think the biggest take away I have from going through this experience is that I have no control over what people think of me.   I have to live in my own integrity.   People will believe what they want to about me.  I know who I am.   Letting go of what my parents say and do with regard to my actions took SO much work and therapy.   I'm so much happier that I put in that work.   I have so much more peace in my life now.   Not saying that there aren't days where I second guess myself.   

Hang in there.   Knowing that you need help is a great first step.

[CravingSafetyPeaceFreedom]

End of July in my OPs, I said this:

1.  I'm afraid I'll be met with silence here just like I was met with silence on my medical forum with people I've been friends with for 20 years.  If THEY are silent to me, why would you guys (strangers) take me seriously, yanno?  I know this is irrational, but I'm just scared this place isn't safe and I'll be ignored too.  FWIW, I'm posting in good faith.  I'm NOT here to troll or mess with people.

End of July CMC said this:

Hi! I do want to reassure you that you won't be ignored or dismissed here. This is a good group of people.

I've been checking this forum several times a week, and the silent treatment is eating me alive, because it makes me think that since this is a forum full of survivors, the fact I'm getting ignored makes me think that this is all in my head.  That anything I think is NPD, BPD, and/or ASPD must just be me being sensitive.  But in my heart of hearts I don't think I'm wrong.  I've put in hundreds of hours learning, reading, watching videos, reading books the past 5 or so years.  I really do think my grasp of reality is correct.  I really do think my gut that this is merely a dead forum is correct rather than people maliciously ignoring or dismissing me.

I spent 10-20 hours typing all that, and I poured my heart out asking questions in good faith.  None of the questions in my posts are rhetorical; I really would appreciate answers to any/all of them.

I talked earlier about that one night I was in my safe place typing this whole thread after my Dad had ghosted me again for a month, ignoring all my calls, voice mails, etc. and me worried sick about him getting out of the hospital.  I was overwhelmed that I was getting attacked from even my mom/stepdad being used as flying monkeys, so I went to ED to ask to speak to an expert in survivors of narcissistic, borderline, and anti-social PD abuse.

After some confusion, they took me in, but there were cops everywhere and it made me feel like I was surrounded by criminals.  (I think I'm in a bad area.)  But 100% of the people didn't say, "Hi, I'm Alice, and I'm a $job_title, and I'll be doing $whatever."  Instead it was a dozen people walking in acting confused and asking if I had Suicidal Ideation (SI) or Homicidal Ideation (HI).  Repeatedly.  Sometimes 20 seconds later someone would walk in like a robot and ask if I had SI or HI.  It made me think I wasn't surrounded by competent people but by drones.  Then 3-4 minutes later, someone would walk in, "Do you have feeling to hurt yourself or others?"  Me again, "No?  I'm here for help on dealing with multiple abusers with various PDs.  I'm at my wit's end.  I'm not here for SI/HI stuff at all.  Why do you people keep asking me every few minutes?  Do you not communicate with each other?  Do you even know what personality disorders are?"  (I'm thinking that in my head.  I later read reviews of this hospital/ED, and they're pretty bad an many 1 star reviews.  It's not all in my head that this is a bad place to go to for help.)

They said they'd be drawing blood, and I wasn't even there for anything physical.  I asked them what they were drawing, and they lied to me and didn't say specifically what.  Or they said something like blood counts, but they lied by omission they were gonna test me for alcohol and drugs, as if I was some kind of criminal.  1.  They should be upfront and honest instead of lying; 2.  I made it clear I had $0 income and was destitute, but they dismissed me when I asked how much things cost.  When I had to pee, I wanted to take my backpack with me since I had $1000's of my personal stuff there -- my laptop, iPad, my personal life.  They again treated me like a criminal and said I couldn't take my backpack with me to pee -- despite sketchy people everywhere!  And they asked that I pee in a cup.  I asked why my needing to speak to a PD expert for a few PD family members had to do with urinalysis or ketones or whatever, and they again lied to me and didn't say they were testing me for drugs and alcohol.  I can't respect anyone who lies to me.  Period.  And they didn't tell me cost.

The emergency physician had ZERO IDEA how PDs work.  I say this with zero arrogance or feelings of superiority:  the emergency physician knew less than I did about how PDs work and what it's like being on the receiving end.  Nothing about the complexity of gaslighting, grey rock/yellow rock, DARVO, flying monkey and enablers, how they all feed off each other, how there's theft, abuse, violence, etc.  I was the one coaching the physician and not the other way around.  I felt like I was in a Twilight zone.

The EP said I could apply for Medicaid, so I had to politely teach her that Medicaid is for age 0-17 and poor adults 65+ and that there is a coverage gap for adults 18-64.  She incorrectly said that if I wasn't able to work due to an illness or condition that I'd qualify, so I had to politely correct her and say that's not true and I've applied many times, and also that specialists can opt out of taking Medicaid, so the neuros/sleep and others I need to see aren't covered.  She then brought up ACA Marketplace, and again I said I didn't qualify and I've applied multiple times and was denied for low income and that the cheapest Bronze plan was $1000-1100/month in premiums just for privilege of saying you're covered, but they wouldn't pay a penny until you met your $6000 deductible, after which they only cover 40%.  So I'd have to pay almost $20,000 per year off of $0 income just before the ACA/Obamacare will cover me, which is against the whole idea of affordable care.  She said the customer service was usually good, and I again came prepared and said their CS on the phone didn't understand how ACA works and how Medicaid works.  She then said try $hospital_in_big_city, and I politely corrected her saying they only have free health care for the 2 local counties and that everyone else has to pay full price upfront, and she can double-check their website that I'm not making things up.  She walked out the room.  The emergency physician had no expertise in personality disorders/abuse, and she had no clue on how to get access to health care despite being a health care expert.

I left the ED off 0 sleep completely exasperated and used.  I had quarters so I tried to find a payphone in the hospital to call my dad POTS/PSTN, since his phone wasn't accepting calls or texts from my phone due to his NPD I guess.  I then drove to 4 gas stations in 2 cities off 0 sleep (dangerous) trying to find a payphone to call my dad.  Risking my life in another car accident.  Again, this is my cancer dad who ghosted me in July again and then "flipped the script" that I had ghosted HIM and that if I didn't make contact he'd write me out of his will.  It's the SAME DARVO/REVERSE SCRIPT trick he's done multiple times!!  He cut off communications 2020-2024, and I have proof!  He texted, "Consider this my last contact" and "Have a great life" but like an NPD has no memory of this, never brought it up, and never apologized or was accountable.  And he did a smear campaign with the family that I had cut him off.  In that time, he tried to break into my Facebook account multiple times for some reason (but never brought this up).  He also signed up one of my e-mail addresses that I didn't think he knew about for his new car e-mails and all his charity donations.  So I've gotten so much spam in those years from Ford and from a ton of charities in his name.  I don't know the analysis:  maybe his NPD he wanted to show off how good of a person he was or how cool a car he had?  But why cut off communication but still sign me up for HIS spam?  Why break into my Facebook account repeatedly?  It's all criminal behavior.

Anyway point of that was Dad cut off communication without warning this time, and when I borrowed my mom's cell phone to reach out, he said I should have known to just try other means to contact him.  He BLAMED ME in other words and expected me to be a mindreader, which I've read NPDs do.

===============================

Anyway, A *lot* has happened in the past few months since August or so.  It's possible as I write this that my dad is dead.  I've been planning a trip to see him for the past year, but my poor health (drowsy driving, chest pains and heart problems, and now an eye injury that gives me a blurry eye) has prevented me from traveling safely.

He announced his SI and plans for suicide couple weeks ago on a Tuesday.  Had the round chambered and everything.  That was chaotic conversation on the phone, saying that I was too late etc.  But that day came and he didn't do it.  He told my half-sibling and also his siblings.  Lotta drama and people dancing to visit him.  Attention, etc.  He also said he'd lie to hospital staff to let him go home to kill himself and told me his whole plan of faking things.

I debated whether to call 911 or not or to simply let him end his cancer suffering.  It was a moral dilemma for me and it gave me more chest pains and kept me up.

Fast forward some more he was in the hospital for low blood counts/anemia, and he was cleared for chemo and released from ED to home.  Happy and hopeful to go back to chemo the next day.  This was Tuesday.  The plan was I would drive and get there and my half-sibling and I would "hand off" care and he would go home and I'd have 1-on-1 time with my Dad that I desperately needed, since half-sibling is horrifically NPD/ASPD and controlling and I wanted peace with my dad (who is also NPD).  Dad had solid foods for dinner and it got stuck and caused hours of horrific pain.  That was what caused him to change his mind and immediately get SI again.  Like his body saying it was time to go.  So he made his first attempts at suicide, first with the firearm but was too physically+/-mentally weak to do it, then by OD'ing on lots of pills, but may have vomited.  He then held my half-sibling hostage and begged and pleaded for hours to help him pull the trigger.  Half-sibling should have called 911 (I would have in his shoes) but just didn't know what to do.  Eventually Dad agreed to go to the ED/hospice.  They kept him on suicide watch/hold in ED with plans for either psych facility (where he would die without pain management for his cancer) so they negotiated and took off the psych hold and just d/c to hospice for End of Life care.  He refused a feeding tube, refused oral water, and even refused IV fluids to stay alive.  He really wanted suicide and to die.  On the one hand, I understand since cancer pain seems excruciating.  On the other hand, my dad's uNPD traits made the whole process a giant cluster full of drama and rage and fighting.

And my half-sibling talks for 2-3 hours at a time and I cannot pack or sleep if he's calling nonstop for narcissistic supply!!  He ghosted me in April after raging at me and April-November have been peaceful without his controlling rage and NPD.  If I don't sleep, I can't drive safely.  I don't know how to explain to half-sibling that I'm not a bad son for not wanting to put up with his NPD traits, but I don't know HOW to explain to an NPD person that they are abusive, because he just rages and says I'm the bad guy or abuser, then more FOG that he's the angel and I'm the bad son who doesn't care about a dying father.  All of it lies but to paint a false narrative he's the victim or hero and I'm the nemesis.  You know the drill.

Half-sibling wants to control me and check in with him while I drive nonstop.  I DON'T WANT ANYONE TO BOTHER ME WHEN I'M DRIVING.  I'm a full grown adult and him constantly breathing down me, controlling me, only adds to my chest pains and stress.

Our uncle commiserates and understands that half-sibling is a monster like this.  So uncle at least understands somewhat.

Half-sibling is executor on the estate (I was executor but then Dad ghosted me in 2020-2024 so he changed that to him), and I want the house, but half-sibling has been saying things like, "Let's just save time and not get the house appraised and agree on a number, say $150K and you can just pay me half from the cash you inherit."  Which just feels like he's rushing me into a slimy decision.  I think the house is maybe $120k so I'd be giving him an extra $15-20k.  He's a former used car sales manager and with his NPD/ASPD he has confessed he is proud of his ability to get what he wants from people and to trick/manipulate them without remorse, empathy, etc.  He confessed that!  He's self-aware of his behavior but doesn't understand Cluster B stuff like NPD/ASPD!  But logically, he's doing that to me too!  So I plan on getting the house appraised, but I'm scared that he will make this whole estate process a living hell.  It's completely preventable simply by virtue of not acting so NPD.

I post all this to ask (again):  is my life in danger?  I'm really scared he'll try to murder me again.  He tried when I was a newborn baby and my dad strangled him and he ran away to live in foster care.  So there is history and proof that he could be NPD/ASPD.  But now I'll just be alone with him and I'm scared.  Especially since he had an emotional dysregulated reaction and said on the phone "You can have all of Dad's guns.  I don't want them!  I hid them around the house even though the police told me to secure them after the suicide attempt."  My fear is he contradicts himself so much and is emotionally dysregulated.  I have it recorded that he said I could have all the firearms, but the original plan was everything is 50/50 and we'd do things methodically.  He could very well change his mind and deny saying that.  And he could then call 911 and report me for felony firearm theft or something.  My plan is to just take pictures of all my dad's firearms, record the make, model, and serial number into a spreadsheet, and not remove any from the house.  But then talk to my half-sibling about securing the firearms that way I have it on record that I'm securing them and not stealing them.  Because if dad is dead, we don't want a thief to come in and steal them and use them in crimes.  But I'm also worried that half-sibling alone with me in the house will try to hurt me or at the very least control me or boss me around.

I have my own HUGE to-do list of things I need to do in Dad's house and also things Dad and I talked about.  I also want to clean/vacuum the whole house and my dad's car and also clean the kitchen/bathroom etc.  SELFLESSLY just to make my dad have a clean house.  But if dad is dying now or is already dead, then half-sibling can interpret it as me being selfish and greedy and materialistic and cleaning the house and Dad's car because I'm just the greedy son who can't wait to inherit "stuff" even while Dad's body is still warm.  Does that make sense?  I genuinely already planned on surprising my dad with a clean house and car while he was living there.  I've planned this for months.  But this can be twisted in a NPD's mind (I hear they use projection a lot) and make me look like a nasty person.

I'm mostly scared about my physical safety is all while I go there.  Half-sibling calls constantly and wants me to have a special phone so that he can reach me 24/7 -- that feels directly out of the playbook of a controlling, NPD abusive person, no?  If I can see it, why can't he?  I found a free texting app and got a separate phone number that I can give him for the time being.  But I will NOT accept a dedicated cell phone from him.  Especially so he can deduct the cost of that phone from Dad's estate.

So again, is my life in danger by making this road trip?  Dad said last year, "Oh I thought $my_name was dead and buried in the back yard" when both of walked in his front door and I walked in second.  Dad wasn't joking either.  I was confused because the context was half-sibling tried to kill me as a baby.  Please don't ignore this question:  I want to know from you guys if that was a really weird thing for my Dad to have said last year.  And also please tell me if I'm in danger, because I don't know how to ask my half-sibling if he secretly wanted to hurt me or was secretly mentally unstable.  I don't think it goes anywhere if you ask an NPD/ASPD person if they are emotionally dysregulated or mentally ill -- that never goes well because they don't have emotional maturity and their brains are wired differently, and narcs also have fragile egos and if you hurt their ego, it leads to rage and violence and revenge and punishment.  Does that make sense?

I'm planning on leaving on this 1000 mile trip tomorrow morning.  Just please pray for me.  I'll keep checking this thread several times a week, but I've lost all hope that anyone will help me.  I even asked my primary care doctor all this and wrote him a LONG letter, but he never replied to my letter and in person he knew less about personality disorders and abuse than I do, so he was unhelpful.  Again my dream is when I have my physical health back to save up $10,000 or whatever to pay for a clinical psychologist for a year, but in the SHORT TERM I'm desperate for others to BELIEVE ME and to UNDERSTAND ME.  Because I feel so incredibly alone and isolated in this journey.  I can't deal with 4 immediate family members with various flavors of BPD and mostly NPD.  I can't confide in them because they don't have the ability to have self-awareness, and their tendency to be enablers and flying monkeys means I'm just talking to a brick wall.

I'm thinking of making a Reddit account despite the bad privacy issues there because I think I'll get help from more active forums.  I'm just really scared in all of this dealing with my Dad, half-sibling, mom, and stepdad.  I'm scared.  And I'm so, so alone.

[Tribe16]

I'm planning on leaving on this 1000 mile trip tomorrow morning.  Just please pray for me.  I'll keep checking this thread several times a week, but I've lost all hope that anyone will help me.  I even asked my primary care doctor all this and wrote him a LONG letter, but he never replied to my letter and in person he knew less about personality disorders and abuse than I do, so he was unhelpful.  Again my dream is when I have my physical health back to save up $10,000 or whatever to pay for a clinical psychologist for a year, but in the SHORT TERM I'm desperate for others to BELIEVE ME and to UNDERSTAND ME.  Because I feel so incredibly alone and isolated in this journey.  I can't deal with 4 immediate family members with various flavors of BPD and mostly NPD.  I can't confide in them because they don't have the ability to have self-awareness, and their tendency to be enablers and flying monkeys means I'm just talking to a brick wall.

I'm thinking of making a Reddit account despite the bad privacy issues there because I think I'll get help from more active forums.  I'm just really scared in all of this dealing with my Dad, half-sibling, mom, and stepdad.  I'm scared.  And I'm so, so alone.

Craving, I will pray for you. This situation you are in sounds scary. I don't have advice to offer you other than there are some good subreddits that are pretty active (I don't know if that's ok to mention here?) Admin, please delete if not ok. I'm thinking Adult Children of Narcissists, Estranged Adult Kids and EmotionalNeglect. I hope that helps. God Bless.

[CravingSafetyPeaceFreedom]

I'm planning on leaving on this 1000 mile trip tomorrow morning.  Just please pray for me.  I'll keep checking this thread several times a week, but I've lost all hope that anyone will help me.  I even asked my primary care doctor all this and wrote him a LONG letter, but he never replied to my letter and in person he knew less about personality disorders and abuse than I do, so he was unhelpful.  Again my dream is when I have my physical health back to save up $10,000 or whatever to pay for a clinical psychologist for a year, but in the SHORT TERM I'm desperate for others to BELIEVE ME and to UNDERSTAND ME.  Because I feel so incredibly alone and isolated in this journey.  I can't deal with 4 immediate family members with various flavors of BPD and mostly NPD.  I can't confide in them because they don't have the ability to have self-awareness, and their tendency to be enablers and flying monkeys means I'm just talking to a brick wall.

I'm thinking of making a Reddit account despite the bad privacy issues there because I think I'll get help from more active forums.  I'm just really scared in all of this dealing with my Dad, half-sibling, mom, and stepdad.  I'm scared.  And I'm so, so alone.

Craving, I will pray for you. This situation you are in sounds scary. I don't have advice to offer you other than there are some good subreddits that are pretty active (I don't know if that's ok to mention here?) Admin, please delete if not ok. I'm thinking Adult Children of Narcissists, Estranged Adult Kids and EmotionalNeglect. I hope that helps. God Bless.

Tribe16, I'm grateful both for your taking the time to actually reply (even a short one) as well as you saying that you will pray for me.  You are the first person who has said that even though I've asked on this forum and my "home" forum.

I've documented this in maybe 5+ LONG posts in Notepad++ as well as on my home forum -- mostly for CYA documentation and I switched calling apps so can no longer record phone calls -- but things have escalated A LOT.  A LOT A LOT.  Full on scary rage and projection and crazy threats.

My father did in fact die even before I made my previous post.  He died on Saturday, November 29 I think.  I just didn't know at the time when making the post + packing my car and bags.  I already "knew" in my heart but also didn't want to know for sure because I didn't want to have a car accident if that makes sense.  I wasn't avoiding his phone calls with malice.  I just didn't want to die in a car accident, which is what Dad said a million times to only drive if I can be safe and not have a blurry eye or fall asleep at the wheel.  Dad understood!  And I also said I was using my Mom's phone to call him (since both Dad and half-sibling cut off communication from my own phone which is a weird mind game) and I said I can't take my Mom's phone on the road trip because she needs it for emergencies since she is bedridden and that any silence isn't personal and he said he understood silence wasn't personal!  Yet his words and actions don't match!  He acted confused why I didn't get his calls and it's because I didn't have my mom's phone!  He didn't let me even explain that or even remember that he told me he wouldn't take it personal!  I even said to use e-mail to reach me and he never emailed me!  Also he likes to talk for 1 hour and ramble for narcissistic supply, and it'll be 1:30 am and his personality keeps me awake all night, so in order to actually sleep and pack, I need to not call him every day.  It sucks my soul out of me.  He doesn't understand that because of his PD.

I can copy and paste my other long posts here rather than spending 8+ hours re-typing poorly everything, but I also started driving to my hometown -- 14 hours or so, and I fall asleep at the wheel which has happened this time with me nodding off so I get a hotel or sometimes get 0 sleep in the hotel so have to extend another night.

Anyway the half-sibling has said and done SO many horrific things, and he CAN'T WAIT to see me in person.  I was gonna meet up with him finally tonight, but his mask slipped and he flipped out at me over his fear I was some criminal wanting to break into Dad's accounts, and I couldn't get a word in and he kept raging assuming his projected fear was true and he said he was gonna force the sale of the house, etc.

(I'll speak more on this later, but a few days ago he said "Would you believe it?  Dad's final words before he died were, 'Craving is gonna break into the house, empty it out, and change the locks on you.  Isn't that weird he said that and then died?' " and then he proceeds to say he changed the locks on the house and assumed that I had criminal intent to steal stuff then kept talking and talking and projecting that he'd do this or that to me if he caught me breaking in.  He said I already pulled into the driveway because he saw a [color] car.  I replied that I was in a different state and haven't been to my home state in over a year.  So he said it must've been another car. But "I've got eyes everywhere buddy." and just generally really creepy laughing that you hear movie villains do.  HUR HUR HAR HAR HAR.  It's scary.

Dad wanted me for the past year when I visit to fix his computers and also his 2 phones and also recover all his important photos from every device for safekeeping, etc.  I brought a toolbag of computer tools to recover from phones and also laptops and desktop SSDs, hard drives, etc.  Half-sibling denied that saying I would just use his phone to get into Dad's accounts and steal all his money and he'd have to do this, that, that.  I couldn't "wake him up" from his mental illness and projection.  I realized I couldn't and shouldn't JADE or DEEP or engage in any way and to just hang up.  But he also lied and said even he didn't know Dad's phone PINs, but that's a lie because he looked through my Dad's and I's text and voicemail conversation!  I can tell when things are delivered.  He lies maybe 10 or more times in every 5 minute phone call.  It's so weird how he doesn't even half awareness of his own opposite things.

Couple days ago he used FOG guilt tripping that "everyone got to have a final conversation with Dad to say their peace.  I'm not you buddy but you'll have to deal with that guilt for the rest of your life."  Not knowing that it was HIM and I calling last week for hours every day and he held Dad's phone up to his ear Thanksgiving night on his deathbed -- Dad didn't talk to his siblings anymore but made an exception for a final phone call with me his son -- and Dad and I talked for a good 15 minutes, I love you, Goodbye, etc.  Half-bro's hand fell asleep holding the phone.

I reminded him that's what happened, and he was like "Oh yeah, now that you say that I remember now."  But at no point did he have accountability for the nasty guilt trip he just did or any self-awareness/self-reflection even when I brought it up.  No "Oh God, I'm so sorry.  Please forgive me for forgetting and then rubbing it in as if you didn't care to call Dad."  None of that.  He even argued and berated me as if I was the bad guy!  I then tried to get him to have empathy and see if he was capable of understanding how his nasty words/actions hurt others (me).  So I was like, "Please put yourself in my shoes and see how your words hurt so bad where you are using the guilt tripping method for a false accusation when I did in fact have a final phone call with Dad!"  And he just squirmed and twisted words, DARVO, did a lot of nasty things.


Anyway, God protected me from meeting him tonight by having him rage at me when I asked about Dad's death certificate, which is what we both need for the POD accounts to have 50% of the cash given to each of us.  I can do that on my own at Dad's banks.  I don't need him whatsoever.  I just politely asked if the death certificate had been done since he started guilt-tripping me, "Buddy, I just left the bank.  I thought you really needed the money but they're closed and I'm leaving." totally forgetting that I told him I'd be going to much needed doctor's appointments today and would call him to meet up in person tonight!

But it was reasonable for me to ask if the death certificate was ready from the State and I politely asked for a copy (I think I can also pay in person to get my own copy as a beneficiary -- I don't need him with me period).  And he paused and THAT'S when his mask slipped and his monster side came out with narcissistic rage, "Why the F*** do you need that?  WHAT ARE YOU PLANNING TO DO?  YOU HAVE NO F***ING NEED FOR THAT.  ARE YOU SCHEMING TO USE THAT TO TAKE OVER DAD'S ACCOUNTS?" And while I was trying to get a word in like "No?" he kept talking over me "HERE IS WHAT I WILL DO BUDDY.  I WILL FORCE THE SALE OF DAD'S HOUSE..."  I realized from therapy, from Out of the FOG website, from YouTube therapists like Dr. Ramani, from hundreds of articles, from speaking with my stepdad, and EVEN FROM OUR OWN FATHER, that I can simply hang up the phone instead of sitting there taking his verbal abuse.  So I said "I'm hanging up" and did that.  He left a voice mail but I don't know how to use this new phone call app yet.  I assume it's horrible.  I can probably give that to police.

Anyway, he's emotionally unstable now and super scary, and reminder: he has a history of physical violence with fighting and knives, guns, etc. starting from his childhood, like age 5.  He tried to murder me at age 12-13 when I was born because he was jealous a baby got more attention and needs.  That's when our dad saved my life and strangled him and he ran away from home to live with foster parents.  He ghosted our Dad for 30+ years, only just now appearing in the last 5 years or so to be best friends with our Dad and the Golden Child.  My suspicion is he is only doing this because dad was getting old and he wanted more inheritance, maybe.  Because he has assumed control of the estate by taking the executor away from me, he has convinced Dad to cut me off communication from 2020-2024, he has convinced my Dad to again stop using our calling/texting app after Dad and I used it from 2019 to 2025 and suddenly they both had problems calling/texting.  He has also bragged to me he had a special gift in manipulating people and getting what he wants (he's a former used car salesman and manager).  I really do think he is a malignant narcissist if not a full blown anti-social PD with his massive history of violence and no empathy and criminal history.

I'm going to my hometown police tomorrow and asking to sit with an officer for 20+ minutes to explain the situation and my concerns for my safety.  And give all my pages of documentation and recorded phone calls.

Because it's getting bad bad bad now.  I don't know why he is so so so eager to meet me in person and so hypervigilant of where my car is in town (I haven't gotten to town yet.  I'm hiding in a hotel an hour away.)

Just scared for my life and physical safety.

I don't know why I'm being ignored on this forum.  I truly think I have a valid situation of PD abuse.  I don't think this is all in my head or me being sensitive.

Sleep and police tomorrow.  Appreciate the prayers.  But yeah, I'm NOT meeting up with him on this trip.  I can only assume he's gonna do a smear campaign even more with our relatives and even my mom/stepdad.  And many of them are... gullible since most people are clueless about personality disorders and how sinister they use triangulation, smear campaign, manipulation, lies, etc.

I just want this nightmare to be over.

If the death certificate is already on file at the bank from him filing it to get his half today, then I can safely drive to another bank branch in ANOTHER city and speak with people there.  All they will need is my ID and then they'll be able to cut a check (is what they told me).

Prayers much appreciated for my safety as well as my health issues of falling asleep while driving and my chest pains and heart issues and my blurry eye problem.  I'm not healthy to make this trip but I did anyways.  I'm not the bad son that I didn't make it in time to be in the room when my dad died.  I almost made it.  But it was Dad's choice to attempt suicide and then withdraw IV fluids and die in a few days.  I can't be guilt-tripped for not making it even though SO MANY people like my uncle are doing that.  I wish I could teach them about PD abuse, but there is mental illness, psychosis, personality disorders, substance abuse, and criminal history in multiple people on both sides of my family, so I don't think I can teach them or try to change their mind or defend my character.  It just hurts bad because the truth is the opposite.  I'm hurting so so so bad at the character attacks on top of Dad's death.  (Dad was a malignant narcissistic abuser too just like half-brother, so I'm also relieved Dad can no longer actively hurt me, even though I'm sad that he died.  It's mixed feelings.)

[walking on broken glass]

Hi Craving,

I can see you're dealing with a lot right now, and I'm really sorry things feel so frightening and overwhelming. It makes sense that you'd want to get everything out and explain the whole situation.

I hope it's okay if I share something gently: the amount of detail in your posts makes them very hard for me — and probably for others — to read all the way through and respond meaningfully. It's clear you're going through something serious, but the length and intensity can be overwhelming for people who want to support you.

If you are able, it might help to be more succinct. Think of this more as a conversation rather than cataloguing: if you were talking with another person, you would give them the main facts and describe how you are feeling, but you wouldn't do it in long blocks of text. The same applies here: you can treat your posts more like a back-and-forth conversation, focusing on one part of the situation at a time, or sharing the key points you want help with rather than the entire history all at once. That makes it easier for people here to engage and ask questions, and to give you the support you are hoping for.

I'm not saying this to criticize you. People do care about what you are going through. We all have complicated lives and read/respond in our spare time, so very long and highly detailed posts can be hard for people to get through, even when they genuinely want to offer support.