TBI: can my body be protecting me?

[Dinah-sore]

Hi guys. I hope you are all doing well today, and if you are not well, I hope you are surrounded with support.

I think I have a weird question.
I posted last time that I have a TBI, from a car accident, and I don't know how bad it is, because we did tests but I haven't reviewed the results with the doctor yet. Probably a moderate TBI, but not my first and with my age, and an autoimmune disease that wears me out a lot, it complicates it a little bit. All to say, I don't know how bad the TBI is. I know I forget everything, I miss appointments, forget to pay bills, I don't text people back, and sometimes it gets so embarrassing when people see me struggle. And sometimes I procrastinate because I think I will be smarter later, so I wait, but never feel smarter.

All that said, I do think my FOG has gotten worse, because mentally I am not ready for npd sparring. And I feel guilt and embarrassment anyways when I just miss a dentist appointment or forget to get lab work done, etc. I am constantly worried about embarrassing myself and frustrating others (normal people), but add my NPD/BPD mom into it and it feels like I will major consequences from upsetting her.

There are moments when she says supportive things and she seems like such a compassionate and supportive person.

But she is like a hawk, she reads all these negative assumptions into my communication from twisting my nonverbals, or word connotations. Like she is kind of thought policing me.  I can say something normal or nice and get a snarky, "what's that supposed to mean?" In response. And then have to explain I wasn't being sarcastic or rude. And then JADE. And it is exhausting. She seems to keep just painting me in the most negative light no matter how "good" I try to be.

A few weeks back we went to dinner with the family, and we only see each other like 3-4 times a year. It can go really bad, like with her screaming at us or crying hysterically, etc. but this time went good, in my opinion. But my kids pointed out how many mean passive aggressive digs she made at me that night. I seem to just ignore the digs, keep a smile on my face and don't make eye contact with her for a bit, so it smooths over. But I do feel the digs, it's like I just ignore them because at least she isn't raging.

She is also very good at pretending to agree with me about things I am passionate about, to get me to trust her and open up and tell her my opinions. But this is a trap, and I still fall into it and tell her what I believe. Which could be a pearls before swine thing and gives her more ways to manipulate me. But in the moment it FEELS like a good conversation, though she is just digging for things to use. And I think my TBI might make me more vulnerable in conversation. ESPECIALLY with her.

So this is my question, in light of these issues, could my brain be trying to subconsciously protect me from this crap, by making me forget to or procrastinate calling her too?

Idk that is probably dumb; I forget to call everyone. The difference is, I don't dread calling everyone else. I postpone them, thinking I will be smarter later today, then forget altogether.

Like I might be subconsciously procrastinating the chaos with my mom to give myself space to heal?

The doctor was so stern that I have to eliminate as much stress a possible for
My brain to heal. He even said that stress will make my healing slower.

Calling the dentist is stressful only because of the executive dysfunction problems (and I just went, so that is awesome), but with her I never know what I am going to get. Will she be nice and happy? Or bitter and passive aggressive, or will she have the scary tone that says "Dinah, this is ridiculous and this needs to stop."

I don't understand why my contact with her has been less. Other than it is with everyone, but also I get worried every time I reach out to her. It is 80% probable that each conversation will be negative, or filled with me having my nose rubbed in whatever she doesn't like about me. The other day I called her and she was so cold and insulting that i felt FOG the rest of the day, I knew it was FOG and from what she said, but I still felt it. Suffocating. I don't even remember what she said, because my memory is so bad, but I still feel the FOG so deep.

I don't want to cut all contact, but I want to maybe consider telling her that I am not able to talk to her everyday. And it isn't rejection of her, but that my mind is just quieter now, I don't have the impulse to talk as much and I just need that time to rest my mind and take care of my body. It feels so selfish though.

She is also angry that I am like this "while she is dying" (she has health problems, but isn't "dying" unless she wants to pressure me to hurry up and be like I used to be).

Could my brain be keeping me away from
her to have peace to heal better? Maybe this is a good thing that I only talk to her on the phone 2-5 times a week, and text 5-7 days a week. Texting is easier, I think since her voice communicates more than her words the negative stuff that makes my body react. Maybe I need to actually talk to her less. And I know she may die, but is it better to have less negative memories? Because more often than not things don't feel good at all. Is that so selfish.

Honestly, what I am doing with that time, is trying to help myself reduce stress. I am seeking activities that bring me peace. I garden, I have been decluttering my house and trying to make my space less stressful. I have been doing my hobbies. Folding laundry right away, staying on top of chores so the house looks clean and peaceful. Going for walks. Spending time with my new pet. like calm activities that seem healthy for an adult.

With quiet avtivities like this my brain feels happy, calm, etc.

I am so sad that my TBI is upsetting her, but most bad things that happen to me she makes about her. When my closest friend in the world died a few years back my mom told me, in her serious soap opera voice, "you will never know how hard it was for me to watch you go through this, until one day one of your kids has a friend die." My grief was about her pain. My friend dying was harder ON HER. Lol. It is always about how it affects her. She was even impatient with my grief lasting "too long."

Even now my brain dr rescheduled my appointment from next week to APRIL because he is going out of town, I haven't told my mom yet because she will get mad. I am disappointed; April is a long time to wait, and they put me on a waiting list, but my mom won't understand. She will act like I didn't threaten the office staff enough to get "my way" (which is what she does). She has zero patience for my recovery as it is. which the dr already said would be slow over a couple years. I can't make myself recover faster just because she is "sick of this."


I am sorry if I info-dumped too much info. I think I am over-explaining right now, because I feel FOG and it is making me JADE a little.

But is it possible my brain is kind of nesting? Like creating a safe little nest where I can safely take my time, without constant judgment, to just be? To just live my life the best I can?

If she was healthier, or if I had a normal mom, I imagine that she might be supportive, understanding, helpful, patient, that is what I would want to be. Maybe even helpful. With kindness, not frustration. I don't know. It is just a thought. Like maybe the FOG is what she wants, to keep me on the hook, but maybe some more boundaries, even ones I didn't mean to set, are what I
really need?

Because maybe her behavior affects me more than I realize, and like my kids watching her insult me, I just keep
smiling and pretending I don't feel the digs at me.

Does anyone have any experience about how a TBI and NPd abuse affect each other? Any thoughts opinions, or ideas are welcomed.

Maybe I need MORE boundaries. Or to communicate new boundaries so she is aware, whether she likes it or not, also any suggestions of how to combat the FOG, and stop JADING. I think I have to maybe go back to basics here and relearn these skills. Thank you all so much. I am sorry I wrote so much.

[Adria]

Oh, Dinah-Sore,  I am so sorry for what you are going through. Wow, it sounds completely exhausting.  I wouldn't be surprised if your subconscious is trying to protect you right now, because deep down it knows you are trying to heal on so many fronts. 

Maybe you don't need to necessarily communicate new boundaries, just do them.  That way, your mom can't argue about it.  Decide what makes you feel safe, comfortable and what it's going to take to make you heal.  Then try to implement what you feel is best.  Maybe a little at a time.  But, over time you will realize how little by little you are healing and not being run over.  Sometimes it is necessary to chose ourselves.  Maybe call your mom one day a week.  A day that you feel strong, and if the call goes sideways, "Oh, I gotta go, someone's at my door."  She will get the message without you have to say anything.  Make more of the interactions on your terms.  If you visit her, and she doesn't play nice. Maybe say, "Love you Mom, and walk out the door."  Always be kind, but silence and disappearing are very powerful tools.  You can't change her, but you can change the way you react.  These things will have to be practiced, but in time it will become easier, and you will feel stronger because you are taking your power back. 

Not to make light of these exhausting situations, but to me, this always puts things into perspective.  Dh will remind me of the penguin movie if I get in these situations and it always makes me laught.  "Smile and wave, boys! Smile and wave!    I always try to keep this in the back of my mind when I get frustrated by these kinds of people and interactions, then I laugh to myself as I'm walking away.

I wish you the best.  You will figure it out and get things under control.  Be patient with yourself and keep moving forward,  It sounds like you can see the forest through the trees, and you are working on mapping things out.  Your healing will come shortly after. Hugs,  Adria

[notrightinthehead]

 

don't talk about boundaries - live them. Wether you forget to call mum or just don't do it - the result is peace. Just allow yourself to be kind to yourself.

[Liketheducks]

Dinah...I'm so sorry.   That must be exhausting.   It really is ok for you to choose your peace and healing over everything else in your orbit right now.   You've been through a traumatic event.   This will take your energy to heal.  Pull all the way back and focus on you.   

I don't have experience with TBI and NPD.   But, I DO have experience with other trauma requiring me to pull back and put myself first.    Seven years ago, my H had an affair with someone who was supposed to be a "friend" of mine.   She is definitely NPD, but that's a story for another day.   Growing up in a highly dysfunctional household, I had made my H my safe space.   To say I was devastated was an understatement.  (We're good BTW....better than we ever were.   I'm grateful for where we are now and the effort we both put in to heal).   Not a TBI, but I was barely functional.   Not eating, not sleeping, not sure if I wanted a divorce or what my future might even look like.   I'm grateful now that going through that experience taught me that I am my own safe space.   

As I was going through that, I was VLC with mom.  She was reaching  out to me also impatient for contact and "dying".   The same digs, the same manipulation.   I just didn't have the mental/emotional bandwidth to deal with anything outside of what was going on with me.  I certainly wasn't going to share what I was going through with Mom.   Similarly to your situation, anytime I really let my mom into my inner world or be at all emotionally vulnerable, that will be saved up and used against me when it suits her.   Small town, she eventually found out.....and let me know that she knew like it was information she "had on me".   Ugh.  So, rather than reach out to me in what she must of known would be a tremendously difficult time for me, she chose to make it one more thing to dig at me with.   WHAT.PARENT.WOULD.DO.THAT????!!!   It still makes me angry.  And, it makes me angry for you....that you're also not getting the support a healthy parent would give an adult child in need of support.  You can't change her, but you can change how you react to her to heal yourself.   I employed a lot of the strategies that others have mentioned. Smile and wave.   Saying there was someone at the door, or I had an important work call, etc.   It felt enormously superficial.   She often told relatives that I was cold.  I just stopped letting her into my inner sanctum.   Not everyone is deserving of being emotionally intimate with me.   It is SO difficult when you have to shield yourself from someone who should be on your side unconditionally.

I think anytime you are needing to focus your energy on yourself and not the PD people in your life....they feel that loss and ratchet up the drama.   You're not behaving in the same way that you have been groomed to.   I'm sorry you're experiencing this injury.   For me, the trauma of my H's affair, forced me to put myself first to survive.   I hate that there was an affair at all, but in some ways it was a blessing in disguise having to learn to put myself first.   Now, I have a few slips now and again.   But, I know that I'm going to be coming first before others.   I think we're specifically prone to put others first growing up in dysfunctional families.   It feels enormously selfish to me at times, but I try to lean into that.   I'm pretty sure none of us here are prone to actually BE selfish.

[Therivercontinueson]

Hota, I'm so sorry to read about your having to deal with both your TBI and your NPD parent. I had a TBI in January this year, and I am still recovering. The amount of mental fatigue that is purely physically driven is huge, and anyemotionally driven fatigue would just have completely ruined me. I can only imagine how FOGgy it must feel right now, when your brain is shaky, to say the least. A huge thing my TBI doc told me was that stress makes it worse. And that your brain controls and is linked to so much in your body, not only your conscious thoughts (ie. Temperature, regulation, the nervous system, etc.), that it is imperative you do what you can to heal it properly - you don't want to live without your brain working as best as it can!!! I went NC with my NPDfamily a year before my TBI, but the residue of stress from them made my recovery very difficult - flashbacks, memories, nightmares, etc. Remember that CPTSD from abuse physically affects the brain too, so a TBI is arguably even harder to heal from for survivors. But your brain knows how to heal itself, and your body knows how to heal itself, sometimes in mysterious ways. I don't think it can be something proven, but for some people, I think the body absolutely generates symptoms to protect you from outside situations. For example, I am realising it is time to leave my emotionally unavailable partner, but I was in denial about it for years, even though I was lonely and miserable. Then, my body started to revolt in the form of hives, choking episode's, and teouble breathing. Nothing was medically found, and although medications help, I do think on some level my body esentially became "allergic" to the situation. Looking back, I have dealt with this all my life. When I first thought of to leave my family, and I was considering if I should move abroad or not, I developed severe IBS. Nothing helped, not even chemo level drugs - but after I moved, it went away and I don't have IBS anymore. I do think some people have a body that "knows" things and feels at a more sensitive level than we do consciously / at the brain level. I am still trying to figure out how to live with a body like this - do I try to interpret the meaning of symptoms, do I just need to feel then, do I need to throw everything at it medically (often putting me into debt as nothing is ever found, and things always clear up on their own)? Probably a bit of all of the above, tbh. But therapies such as somatic experiencing (SE) and focusing have helped me work with the body in it's level and its terms. Also for TBI, endless naps, and supplements such as B2, Algae/fish oil (EPA/DHA), Skullcap, Passionflower, ginseng, creatine, gingko biloba, CoQ10, magnesium, lions mane, and pharmaceuticals such as progesterone and adhd meds (stimulants) are all scientifically shown to help recovery. And for me, my partner and I had a history of arguing a lot, and when I had a TBI my brain would just shut down. I mean literally I would become drawn in to his crazy making arguments, and after about 5 minutes of feeling crazy-made, it was like a flip had switched and my brain would say "no, we are done". And I couldn't concentrate, think, anything, at all. I'd have to go and close my eyes or take a nap, even if I was out in public somewhere! It shut down those conversations really fast - but I had to just put my hand up and say "stop", my brain injury is acting up. Obviously, he didn't like that, but my body literally couldnt not take another second of it. So I do think that sometimes, the body protects us through symptoms, but it is often a mix of the emotional and the physiological. And we are all different - I know for me that is absolutely the case, but it might not be for others. I hope this was helpful, just a variety of thoughts as I can relate to your post, but it may be a bit disjointed/unedited due to the TBI! Best of luck and wishing you smooth healing.