Dealing with family when you're freshly postpartum

[neFLsurvivor]

I gave birth to my first child two months ago and, since then, both of my parents have taken up a lot of my mental and emotional space by ratcheting up their drama 100% and withdrawing their publicly pledged financial and logistical support when I asked for them to respect our boundaries.

We don't live close by, but it's as if they're jealous of my child somehow. They both pitched actual, physically aggressive tantrums in person within the first week postpartum.

I had to ask them to leave us alone until they can apologize and show up better, but refuse to give us space. This includes them sending postcards and gifts for my baby in the mail. The postcards are addressed to my child and it honestly makes my skin crawl.

I'm slowly coming to the realization that they are not parents I want to emulate in any way, and that they are abusive. For instance: I've lived across the country for years, but am just now realizing it was in large part to escape them. I'm seeing our relationship through new eyes, as a parent myself. As a result, I'm struggling with feelings of guilt, abandonment, and betrayal. Lots of anger, too.

My brother, who is childless and on disability, has also acted similarly, but it's clear to me that he's just emulating what they taught him. He is enmeshed and both my parents have successfully both parentified and infantalized him. Part of my anger is also realizing this in the past weeks. I feel guilty for leaving, but it's clear why I felt I needed to go.

Does anyone have similar experiences with family when they're newly postpartum or have any advice/resources that might help? It's like I was almost in denial about how bad they were until it came time for me to protect someone who wasn't myself.

[bloomie]

neFLsurvivor - hi there. I just responded to your Welcome Mat post, but wanted to pop in and say 100% yes!! I relate so very closely with your experiences and my heart breaks in thinking of you grappling with this ridiculous response from your parents not respecting your boundaries. 

You have already done the most powerful and important thing. You have drawn some lines and distanced them based on their inability to manage themselves in respectful, supportive, trustworthy ways. Bravo! 

Access to your life, your child, your family is a privilege. For anyone. Breaking promises, punitive withholding of financial and logistical support as a way to crush your right to set the atmosphere around your child, you, your homelife is a huge red flag as you seem very aware of.

A book... I know you are swamped caring for you own recovery and your precious baby, but this book was so helpful to me that I have to share it with you... Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents, Lindsay C. Gibson.

And building a support system for myself that allowed me to never, ever, ever rely on unreliable people as I raised my own beautiful family was a game changer for me.

Cheering you on as you find your own support system and begin to heal, recover and grow stronger than you have ever been before!

[Liketheducks]

Lindsay C Gibson's book is SO helpful.   Recognizing the "ick" is just the first step.   I'm so proud of you.   You're going to break a cycle here.   What you describe with your brother is a very common family dynamic in this group.

My mother did throw a few tantrums shortly after my kiddo was born.   I think it is the change in roles that spurred it on for her.  Thankfully, she doesn't do them in public.   But, the mental energy to deal with this while also healing from childbirth is exhausting.   Please treat yourself with grace and kindness.   Like on an airplane, put the oxygen mask on yourself before assisting others.

Withdrawing support is a manipulation tactic when you're not showing up as expected.   There are so many changes that happen when you create your own family.   The change in roles is HUGE.   

You're in the right place and doing really well in a challenging situation.    The only suggestion I'd add is that they're not likely to respond to you asking them to respect your boundaries.   Boundaries are for you, not them.   With emotional immature parents, it is unlikely that they'll SEE their part of the conflict.   One of the hallmarks of emotional maturity is being able to see how your own actions may affect others and make changes/grow.    Your relationship with them has/had a built in power dynamic that changes with adulthood and you becoming a parent yourself.   In my family, I can't say to my mother "you're being emotionally toxic or manipulative".   I have to make a personal boundary for myself in which I withdraw WHEN she becomes emotionally toxic or manipulative.   My mom can't see what she's doing as anything but being my mother.   When I shifted to protecting my peace (being my own parent and protecting myself) rather than expecting something different from my mom....things became much more peaceful for me.   

If you're getting skin crawling feelings....listen to them.   That's your gut telling you to protect your child.   

I'm so proud of you!   This is hard, hard work.