Writing a letter

[walking on broken glass]

A few things came up this week that have stirred up all sorts of bad feelings. My aunt's horrible email, first of all, but also interactions with various friends: my close friend who has a difficult relationship with her mum decided to go NC too, and I was trying to support her but our conversation ended up difficult and frustrating for me; another friend had to fly out to see a close relative in the hospital, whose health suddenly deteriorated and he is now in palliative care, which reminded me of my dad; and I had to deal with two people that were sort of distant friends, but quickly turned very toxic. I had to set boundaries, and when I did they immediately tried to guilt trip me and emotionally blackmail me. I did not budge but it was difficult. Plus, another friend also had a crisis regarding her partner (who, I suspect, is abusive).

So this week has been emotionally demanding and my nervous system was on fire. I started thinking about my mum, my sister, and my family situation, and decided to start writing a letter to my mum. I already wrote one that I never sent, when her accusations came out, but this one is more grounded and sober, and addresses the issue of the broader family dysfunction, not just the accusations. I wrote things that I have always wanted to say about my relationship with my sister and my mum's behaviour to both me and my sister. A bit like lifting the veil. It was difficult and it was draining. I am now faced again with the eternal question: should I mail the letter to her?

I don't think it will have any impact on her and I don't hope she will change. But sometimes I feel that I should make her face my side of the story, even if she doesn't accept it. I have felt unseen and unheard for so long, like they bullied me into silence and submission. Maybe this will give me some sense of justice and closure. But I am not sure yet whether this comes from the feeling that "they ought to hear this" or "I want to tell them". And I worry about a potential response. I have blocked her everywhere so she can only reach me by post. But I worry she might write something horrific back to me. I have this fantasy that I might die before she does, and I will have left orders for this letter to be given to her, in the event of my death. I guess this means that I would like her to hear my side of the story but only if she has no way to reach me or respond.

What do you think?

[moglow]

I think it's good that you wrote it out, yes. I'd suggest you keep on writing until you run out of material, then write some more. 

That said: Please for your own peace of mind, set aside any expectations of her, whether that she truly hears you, makes any attempt to discuss with you or even acknowledges her part in any of it. I'd venture a guess that none of that is likely. Having expectations of another person isn't a great use of our energy - they have their own stuff and are refusing to deal with *that*, remember?

For me, holding in and refusing to voice the harm done, just made it worse. Sharing it with mommie dearest? Absolute exercise in futility. The (extra) mockery and contempt from her just weren't worth it. Plus if yours has a herd of flying monkeys available, they'll hear or read (a highly edited version) what she wants them to hear, you know, what a victim she is etc. No it doesn't matter what she tells others, but just know it'll likely happen. 

If she's as self involved as I suspect (like mine), your words will only add fuel to her inner fire, not bring about the change you probably want so badly. There wouldn't be any facing your side of the story because she only sees her own. That tunnel vision serves only her.

Consider using our Unsent Letters section, and keep writing her there. You'll be (and are) heard and felt here. You need to know your words matter, even if you never get that from her.

My short story: Been there done that, did not end well. It took me a while to get past it and I swore I'd never write her another. She doesn't deserve to know me, not anymore.

[NarcKiddo]

She doesn't deserve to know me, not anymore.

I think this is very much worth remembering. She has had plenty of opportunity to know you.

I was having this sort of discussion with my therapist this week because my uNPD mother is kicking off dreadfully due to my father being in hospital. I mentioned for the first time to my husband that, while I do not want to walk away completely and go NC I am now prepared to if she pushes me hard enough. He expressed surprise and thought I was not nearly at the stage of walking away. This is because my mother and I have not had any sort of bust up. He thinks that she needs to be told what I think of her. I disagree. I brought it up with my therapist, although I knew what she would say. Which was that of course I can tell my mother whatever I wish, but supposing that she might take in the information, far less mend her ways, presupposes that she is capable of taking in the information. I don't think my mother is. It would only provoke a narcissistic rage. She would not actually face the story because she would blank it, twist it and make herself the victim.

I agree with moglow that it is good you wrote the letter. I also agree with the suggestion that you might think about using the Unsent Letters section because it can help to be heard. If you don't feel ready for that, another thing you could do is read your letter aloud, to nobody. Just get your voice out into the universe.

[bloomie]

walking on broken glass - I agree with others that it is so important to get this out through letters, journaling, and reintroduce yourself to your voice and make known in a tangible way the dysfunction and toxic family dynamics that had led to such pain.

That said, your wrote here:

But sometimes I feel that I should make her face my side of the story, even if she doesn't accept it.

I gently suggest that we can't make anyone face anything ever. What cost you everything.. to write this all down and begin to recapture your voice could potentially be nothing more than words on a page that reinforce your mother's narrative, however upside down that may seem to you or me. 

Something that I began to face that has been very difficult is that there is no foundational shared sense of who and what has value and must be respected and preserved between myself and a family member with disordered traits.

I have found there are some people who hold a position in our lives by birth that have zero interest/ability to repair when injury to the relationship happens through their consistent, harmful behaviors over time. In my own experience, this same person has made clear my wellbeing and any impact their behaviors have had is an inconvenience and outrageous.

We see and value the world and the people and relationships in it vastly different ways and trying to find common ground has been incredibly painful and in my case, impossible.

You can take some time with this given how emotionally draining this week has already been. Part of finding my voice was learning that just because something felt urgent doesn't mean it is and I can take a beat and figure out what is truly beneficial to my goals of healing and protecting my peace.

Hugs to you! This is hard inner work!