I could really use some help. I don’t know where to go from here.

Peace0711 · November 12, 2025, 02:12:24 PM

It's been about a year since I posted here, so hello again.

I could use some help. While it does feel like my husband and I are making progress when it comes to his parents. I'm still struggling a lot.

Some background:

My in-laws and specifically my MIL ignored me and treated me poorly the first 6 years of my relationship. I won't go into all the detail, but the poor behavior came in a lot of passive aggressive comments disguised as jokes and blatant disinterest and ignoring me as a person and making me feel unwelcome when I got engaged. I felt really hurt by all of it.

On top of that my in-laws seem to be generally unhealthy people. MIL acted very controlling (I'll admit less so now) and to this day she frequently acts self absorbed and entitled.

Then when I became pregnant with my first my in-laws started to take some more interest in me at a surface level.

I'm having a really hard time now that my MIL tries to be a loving and doting grandma with my kids. It's really hard to see after all of the hurt I've endured from her.

Every little thing she does sets me off (admittedly, some poor behavior from her and some behavior that wouldn't bother me if it was my mom). I get so much anxiety when I have to see them. It's really unhealthy and really impacting my mental health.

My husband really wants me to talk to her since it has gotten so bad. I'm open to it, but I'm not sure if it's a good idea or not.

My husband is helping to set boundaries for us on the big things. I'm finding speaking out more in the moment is helping too (so it doesn't feel like I have to bottle things up).

How does this end? It's exhausting. Is a conversation with her or are stricter boundaries the answer?

bloomie · November 12, 2025, 07:45:08 PM

Hi, Peace0711. Welcome back. I am thankful your H is setting boundaries. That is a big step and has to be reassuring for you.

The thing is.. you have experienced really poor treatment at the hands of people who now want to play 'happy families' with you because of the kiddos. But, possibly your nervous system is still on high alert and activated when ever they are around, especially with continued poor behaviors.

I am curious... why is it your H wants you to talk with your mil? Is he wanting you to speak up in the moment when poor behaviors happen and he isn't there or is he wanting a heart to heart kind of clearing of the air between you and your mil type of thing?

For now, a suggestion I wish with my entire being someone had made to me waaaayyy back when facing very similar sounding dynamics. Find support and help for you. For the triggers and unresolved wounds that have been caused by your mil and any issues related to the handling of the aggressive and unkind behaviors toward you.

Focus on your own healing and recovery. Find a wise, older woman who can mentor you who may have walked a similar path. Possibly learn about trauma responses and how to recognize and manage them. Recognize how often you allow your thoughts to drift back and rehearse the past painful interactions and begin setting internal boundaries around how much emotional energy and space you give over to people who, from where I sit, have not cleaned up the mess they made in your relationship. Steep yourself in wisdom and empowerment - podcasts, books, YouTube vids - for example. Move your body, eat good food, rest, and in time, determine how much you can manage in terms of contact with your in laws.

Consider turning over all issues, communication, organizing and managing the in laws to your H and limit how much and how long you talk about them together.

Start there. Keep coming back here. You may never be able to be in regular contact with them or you may find firm ground for your feet and be able to move past difficulties much more quickly with them impacting less and less over time. Either way, YOU get to determine what does and does not work for you currently. And, you get to decide to adjust that over time.

This is your family and you are the heart and soul of your marriage and beautiful family. Your wellbeing, your preferences, your needs and desires for yourself and your family are central. You have authority and responsibility to guide your children and provide emotional, educational and spiritual stability for them and to them. That is quite the role to be in the thick of right now. You can do this. Stay the course and keep moving toward healing and health. You are doing great!!!!

Peace0711 · November 13, 2025, 09:28:47 AM

Thanks so much bloomie. <3 And thanks for always making this a safe space.

Yes, I definitely think my nervous system and intuition are on high alert. At the same time I almost feel bad for trying to create distance with my in-laws / MIL. As I can definitely see that both my in-laws, and MIL especially likely act the way they do from a place of insecurity and fear (i.e., controlling and manipulating people is how to get love). My husband really is the center of their life, they don't have much family. My husband understands that they are "different" in this regard and dealing with them is not like dealing with someone "normal" (his words). I feel sorry for them but I'm really mad at them at the same time. And obviously I really need to protect my children from the unhealthy dynamics.

My husband has suggested talking to his mom or having me talk to his mom to have a heart to heart kind of clearing of the air. He sees how much this is impacting my daily life and wants that to change. He says his mom would be surprised to learn that we have this much tension in our relationship. And says she is very much oblivious at the damage she has caused and her entitled behavior (i.e., her behavior isn't malicious but from a self absorbed focused place). And that she can't fix things that she's oblivious to. So if we point out things that happened, she can change her behavior so we can move towards a better relationship. He recognizes she would likely be defensive at first, but thinks this would be a way forward. He really wants a way forward as this is obviously really hard on him to. He loves his parents and wants them to get to have a relationship with our kids. And I'm in the middle of that.

He's also very supportive of me speaking up in the moment when poor behavior happens.

GoodPesto · November 13, 2025, 02:44:11 PM

Hi Peace0711,

oh how much I wish I could type something different. Your second post very much betweens the lines seems to be shimmering with the hope you're husband could be right and that communication is key. And I SO wish it would be the case with PD-people too.
It's an option of course but if you decide that's the way you'd like to go, I would like to encourage you to go into that talk very well guarded. If you are just a little bit like me and many others you could end up opening your heart, speaking from it, sharing openly how hurt you were, all the things that are usually a quite promising approach to clear the air between people that have a relationship. You could do that because you feel that you owe that one very open talk to give them a valid chance. You could hope that with your honesty and shown vulnerabilty things could take a turn for the better. I'd say do not fall for this and spare yourself the pain of the aftermath. Much more often than not, PD people feel threatend by this kind of honesty in weird ways, will make you pay for speaking your truth and weaponize any information they got from you, e.g. what hurt the most. Realizing what has be done by PD-people with your attempt from the heart to talk it out is one of the more painful things one can discover, I found.
That's why I would second what bloomie wrote. Limit your exposure. If you think talking openly about it with them would help, you could e.g. wait for the next moment when poor behaviour happens, speak up and watch carefully what happens. You'll get a sense of how able they are to be confronted. Ususally there is not much space for that until some kind of psycho-war is declared. This sounds really harsh maybe, but they have been obviously toxic to you and from my experience talking openly does not solve this - unfortunately, but could easily make things worse for you.
I am sorry and I wish I could see things differently, I am a big fan of open talks. But I read your former posts too and felt a big no.
If you're up for some inner work: a no-smile attitude and an imagined wall of protection around the heart for the times you decide to let them enter your orbit could get you through this feeling a little better and shake them maybe up a little to be more cautious around you.
You got this. Best wishes

Rebel13 · November 13, 2025, 05:46:21 PM

Just seconding you here, GoodPesto. Peace0711, I think the advice to proceed VERY carefully is good. If you take GoodPesto's example, and speak up calmly but assertively the next time something is going down that you don't like, the reaction will give you VERY good information about the reality of the situation and what is likely to happen if you try to go further.

Here's an example from another thread here: A mom was upset that lots of family members were "competing" for a new baby's attention and talking a lot about who the baby "loved" more.

bloomie's suggestion: Pick up the baby, say "no more talking about who baby loves more" and leave the room.

If a friend or someone you know did that, what would your reaction be? What would be the reaction of a good friend or someone you love, if you did that?

Likely the person would apologize or otherwise let you know they were sorry to have upset you.

If you try something like this, and get a defensive reaction or a fake "apology" like, that stiff "I'm sorry you were offended" for form's sake apology but with no remorse behind it and most importantly IF THE BEHAVIOR DOES NOT CHANGE, then I definitely would not set myself up for anything like a deep conversation about what your MIL is doing "wrong" from your perspective, what needs to change, etc. I understand why your husband is hopeful things could be improved by that, and he might be right. But test the water first, and if the reaction isn't "Oh I'm really sorry, I didn't mean to upset you or hurt your feelings" then take care and protect yourself. The Toolbox article on boundaries is one place you could look for other ways to handle things.

Best of luck!

Call Me Cordelia · November 14, 2025, 10:36:22 AM

"He really wants a way forward as this is obviously really hard on him to. He loves his parents and wants them to get to have a relationship with our kids. And I'm in the middle of that.

He's also very supportive of me speaking up in the moment when poor behavior happens."

At the risk of being too blunt, your husband seems happy to let all the responsibility for making his mother happy fall on you, and none of the responsibility for crappy relationships and natural consequences of crappy relationships fall on her. He also seems curiously passive in actually managing any of the work to be done. Perhaps that's not 100% fair, but I looked back at your previous post from last Thanksgiving and this seems to follow that pattern.

It seems absurdly unfair to put the responsibility for fixing a relationship on the person who is past caring what the outcome is, and who is less likely to be listened to, given that she has NEVER treated you well. They ignored your for six years and nothing has really changed, why on earth would they change now? I really dislike the framing of you as the barrier between grandparents and grandchildren. Absolutely not the case. Put the responsibility where it belongs, DH. You are at the point of not trusting your in-laws around your kids for REASONS, and they lay at the door of the grandparents and husband for simply letting it happen. Letting the daughter-in-law be the scapegoat and take the heat here simply allows the denial and dysfunction to keep on chugging along.

Peace0711 · November 14, 2025, 10:59:39 AM

GoodPesto and Rebel13 - Thank you both for the comments and feedback. I really appreciate you taking the time to respond. I agree with both of you and deep down my intuition is telling me nothing is going to change and that you're right it's just a road to more hurt.

I have a few recent examples of setting boundaries / calling out poor behavior that is informative in this regard.

One of the more recent visits my MIL kept touching my child. It was making me uncomfortable and my gut said it was making my child uncomfortable but he was too young to know that he was able to say anything. It was constant touching and hugging that felt too intimate for their relationship. I.e., I hug my child all the time but I wouldn't do the same to my nephew without asking permission for a hug from him for example or if he was the one who initiated the snuggle. My child was having a snack at the kitchen counter on his kitchen tower and my MIL started hugging him from behind and I had enough, so I said, "MIL, we have to ask before grabbing LO." My child at that point started saying no and started pushing her away and she kept hugging. so i said, "MIL, child is saying no.". She finally let go without saying a word and ate her lunch at the table in quiet. Never apologizing or acknowledging anything had happened. It was like she just shut down.

Another recent example that is more telling. Last Christmas Eve my husband sent an aerial (keyword) view of our dinner to show his parents. I was in the photo frame but it was clearly distorted from the angle. My MIL complimented my husband on the meal saying that it looked good but said, "Peace0711 looks like she's ready to take a nap, hope you get some rest.". I was shocked she would say that on our group text in front of my husband. My husband called her out separately saying it wasn't a nice thing to say and on Christmas eve and her response was, "I didn't say it to be mean, Peace0711 looks tired.". No remorse and no apology. It made me really sad. It was another passive aggressive comment to make it known that she didn't like or respect me.

In hindsight, I should have made a bigger deal of the situation, but I let it slide because I didn't want it to ruin the holidays with my kids and husband. And of course my husband did too. His response has been, "She loves you. I'm not sure why she says things like that sometimes.". I allowed her to FaceTime our family on Christmas the next day and we visited them two days later. I think that's why it's boiling up right now and my nervous system is on alert. She does these things and gets away with it and still gets to insert herself into our family like nothing happened. I'm mad and angry at myself for letting too much slide over the years. But I think I'm finally at a point where I know better, and I'm not going to let anything slide anymore. It's like my life isn't even my life--I have to share it with her.

So yea, based on the above two examples I think you both are spot on in that I would likely leave disappointed if I were try to have a conversation. I'm also in agreement that why should I be the one doing all this work to repair a relationship that I wasn't the one to damage and frankly, I'm not sure I want to repair at this point in time.

Anyway, thank you for listening and for the guidance. It's hard to trust my self sometimes.

Peace0711 · November 14, 2025, 11:24:48 AM

Call Me Cordelia - Thank so much for the reply. I feel your post so much.

You are right. He's gotten to try and play the middle to keep both me and his mom happy for a long time. While I have a MIL problem, at the end of the day I know it's really a husband problem. And I am mad and sad that he couldn't protect me, I have grown to feel for him and that it's been hard for him because he is so enmeshed and is unable to see things clearly if at all sometimes. He has finally gotten to a point to acknowledge "they are different" and we can't have the normal expectations on them, because they aren't like most/normal people. So, I do feel like he's finally started to see it. But at the same time, I think that's why he has been protective of them over the years and to this day he gives them the benefit of the doubt.

Now that they play "nice" sometimes he thinks they are making an effort and are turning a corner. And he's upset that I'm not giving them the benefit of the doubt because they said something nice to me one time. For example, on my kid's birthday my MIL posted a comment to our shared child's photo album (that my family is on too). It was a picture of me and my two kids. Her comment was, "two kids and an amazing mama." He thought it was the nicest thing and she's turning a corner. And yes, on the surface it seems nice. But she posts comments to the album three times a year. She was traveling up for my son's birthday party a day later (with my whole family in attendance). She has never complimented me before and especially never in private. So yes, I didn't believe her public comment was genuine. i think she was playing nice to get access to the kids. my husband was upset when i said the same to him saying i'm not sure i believed it as genuine. I guess I'll wait and see if she's turning a corner.

GoodPesto · November 14, 2025, 12:35:16 PM

While I was driving today this thread popped into my mind again and I thought exactly about the part that CallmeCordelia picked out later. I pondered a little on what's bothering me about this statement but couldn't really put a finger on it. So thank you CmC for spelling it out, so on point.
Peace0711, I applaud you for stepping in when the physical boundaries of your child were crossed. Well done. Isn't it great to see you can trust your insincts? Her reaction is indeed very telling, and it's awesome you feel all in all ready to not let things slide for the sake of some sort of peace at the cost of your sense of self worth.
Any more doubts, we're here.

Hopeful Spine · November 17, 2025, 04:01:46 PM

Quote from: Peace0711 on November 14, 2025, 11:24:48 AMNow that they play "nice" sometimes he thinks they are making an effort and are turning a corner. And he's upset that I'm not giving them the benefit of the doubt because they said something nice to me one time. For example, on my kid's birthday my MIL posted a comment to our shared child's photo album (that my family is on too). It was a picture of me and my two kids. Her comment was, "two kids and an amazing mama." He thought it was the nicest thing and she's turning a corner. And yes, on the surface it seems nice. But she posts comments to the album three times a year. She was traveling up for my son's birthday party a day later (with my whole family in attendance). She has never complimented me before and especially never in private. So yes, I didn't believe her public comment was genuine. i think she was playing nice to get access to the kids. my husband was upset when i said the same to him saying i'm not sure i believed it as genuine. I guess I'll wait and see if she's turning a corner.

I've been following this thread hoping to gleam some knowledge. Please know that you are not alone. I've struggled with my in-laws for over 20 years. No children for us so I haven't had to deal with that level. But I do have a husband who will defend his mother every chance. Sometimes he rightly points out when I've misread a situation. The problem is, his mother has hurt me so many times - I almost always expect the worst. They always have an excuse why things were done or said a certain way. I feel defeated often.

Like you my MIL follows me on FB. IRL she ignores me. Sure, she will usually make sure to compliment my top or shoes or something else that doesn't matter. I believe this is done to "appear" nice. But she never comments on anything real. Never asks about my life. She will politely listen if I offering information but seems largely bored unless I mention something funny my husband did at the event or if someone asked about her.

On social media she "loves" every comment I make. She comments on every post I write (both personally and for my business). I work with a lot of small businesses and she attends every event or gathering that I participate in or plan. She loves to mingle and then later post (online) how fabulous the event was. Very complimentary. It would be so much nicer and more genuine if she gave me a little hug at the party and said, "wow, what a great turnout. You worked hard!".

Like, I don't NEED any sort of validation from her. But I would love to open my social media and not get instantly irritated that she's liked and commented on everything. My husband likes to point out - "she doesn't do that for all the daughter in-laws - just you. If she didn't like you she wouldn't do it." Proof that she is "good" and I'm just being petty.

My husband is just not "there". He literally doesn't see how this nice woman actually operates. These last couple of years I've really become "done" with all my in-laws. But I just can't seem to make the leap into truly not caring.

I commend you for making these efforts now, while your child is young, to put things on the right track.

Peace0711 · November 18, 2025, 04:42:31 PM

Hopeful Spine - Thank you for the additional comments! Glad to feel that I'm not alone. But sorry to hear you know exactly what I'm going through.

Good Pesto - Thank you for reiterating Call Me Cordelia's comment. I needed to re read that a few more times to let it sink in. It really does hit the nail on the head.

UPDATE: A little update since my post. My husband called MIL to talk about a few boundaries for our family around gift giving and physical touch. This is something we agreed to do before we see them this upcoming holiday season. We have been impeded on several times across both these boundaries. Even though we communicated both of these boundaries to them several times. Apparently it wasn't going to resonate with her until she heard the "why" and had a direct conversation with my husband.

Accordingly to my husband, the conversation went really well and while there was some silence on the other end while she was processing, there was no pushing back or defensiveness. In the past, my MIL has bought our little one too many gifts and gifts too big in size, even after we said not too many times. She even made the joke that we'll just have to get a bigger house to accommodate all the toys (she's said the same joke several times now).

I'm a little surprised that my husband's conversation went so well. Time will obviously tell whether she actually accepts ours wishes. But it sounds like she understands the "why" now that my husband spoke to her. Maybe all is fine and dandy because the message came from my husband (her golden child)?

My husband explained that we felt disrespectful when she consistently disregarded us and also when she made those comments about needing a bigger house. But, according to her they were just "jokes". They are always "jokes". I'm surprised it was that easy all of a sudden.

I'm also disappointed there was no remorse in the conversation. No, "I'm so sorry I disrespected you., I didn't know you guys felt that way". Just, I guess I'll have to follow your rules now that you're having a serious talk with me. I'm glad my husband is sticking up for us and I really hope our boundaries will finally be respected but I feel like she didn't have to take any sort of accountability. Now she finally has to listen to our rules (my husband finally agreed, now we can set consequences if she doesn't listen). I'm disappointed that she is off the hook and doesn't have to take any sort of accountability. Maying I'm being too petty or wanting too much. Of course it's great if she listens now. But the lack of remorse or accountability doesn't help repair the damage. I should be happy the conversation went well, but it all seems strange to me. Am I missing something?

I also explained to my husband that going forward we will have to be stricter. No getting away with things for 5 times before we have a stern conversation about it. I want to be respected the first time. He said he has my back which feels good.

Adria · November 26, 2025, 01:46:33 PM

Sounds like your husband is stepping up, and that is good. Hopefully things will move forward in a civilized manner. My experience with MIL over 30 years is things never changed no matter how hard I tried. So, I pretty much stepped out of the picture and let dh go see her alone.

I never confronted my MIL because she would have loved that. I just quietly stepped away. Sometimes, looking back over the years, I maybe should have spoke out, but I didn't want her to think she mattered enough to give that much energy to her. I always stayed kind and respectful, no matter how she acted. I didn't want to stoop to her level.

I would move forward slowly and cautiously as she most likely put on a nice front for Golden Child, but will still try and play you on the side. You can tell your MIL how she offends you and hope for an apology, but she knows darn well what she's doing. She's a grown woman. Selective memory would probably serve her well. Unfortunately these are never black and white situations. Just protect yourself and your peace. Don't let her steal your energy or your joy. Let dh deal with her as she probably would like nothing better than to know she's under your skin. Take care.

Rebel13 · November 26, 2025, 06:19:08 PM

You are getting such good thoughts and suggestions here Peace. I just wanted to chime in with support for you working so hard on figuring out what you want and persisting in trying to get it. It's so easy to give up in these situations.

A small thing, but I wanted to mention there can be "consequences" whether your MIL "listens" or not. For example, you can decide how many gifts your child will open on any particular occasion. The rest can be put in a closet to be opened on the next occasion, or whatever other solution seems right to you. Again, there will definitely be fallout from something like this ("It's not FAIR that I don't get to see the baby open the ___ that I specially picked out!" etc.) but that doesn't mean you can't adjust the situation so that it works for you no matter what she does.

Wishing you all the best. The holidays are always so difficult with problematic people in families.