My Stance on Animals Has Been Ignored For 24 Years and Now I'm Done

[CJ]

Hey all.

Forgive me if this is too long.

Married for 24, and it has been a long 24 years, I stayed in this marriage a lot longer than I should have to absorb abuse rather than my children take it.

I live in New England.  I moved here from the Midwest about 3 years ago for my wife's job.  Since I work remotely, moving isn't as big as burden as it is for other guys, but moving sucks.

It took about 3 years to settle in and I'm finally starting to make sense of this place, however it is more expensive and less pleasant (to me) than the Midwest was.  My wife has a problem bringing animals in the home.  The problem started long ago.  In 2009, when I was making a lot less than I do now, we were living in an apartment.  She wanted a puppy.  I told her no, we cannot afford an additional $250 per month rent expense for a dog.  She said she'd get a second job to cover the extra (my kids were 4 & 5 and I was already working 55 hours a week so it would have been a logistical nightmare).  I was insulted, I said if you want to work more, why can't you work more so I don't have to work as many hours?  A few weeks later, she comes home with a collar and had put a down-payment on the puppy.  I said no again, I am not signing the addendum to the lease, so she got angry, put her wedding ring in the disposal, and ruined it (she is on wedding ring #3).

The two biggest flash-points of arguing between us has been finances and animals.  Every few months the drum-beat would bang that we needed another animal or there was some animal on death row that would die if she didn't rescue it (rescue always seemed like a stupid term, she didn't run into a fire to save it).  I went from a guy who kind of liked animals but was mostly indifferent to a guy who loathes animals.  It is so bad that if I see the hint of an animal in a real estate listing, its an automatic skip.  When I went to look at a house, I saw the cat litter box and told the agent I've seen enough.  That's how bad it has gotten.  I think I have Rescue Animal PTSD (and I'm Gen X, I don't want to admit to anything).

A few weeks after the puppy situation, she brought home birds.  She found a loophole in the lease and these two loud parakeets moved into the house.  She put the birds right next to the TV.  At first, I put up with it, but eventually I started putting a blanket over the cage when I wanted to watch the baseball game.  She told me it was abusive, I don't know, I've been told that birds sleep when you do that.

Then her sister had to get rid of her cat.  We had just moved into a new house and here comes this cat... and then another.  Now the second cat was a kitten for my daughter and I consented to that, but that was the end of my consent.

Things were OK for a long while.  In 2016, I bought a house (I was the only one on the mortgage because her credit was so bad she couldn't be on it).  During the purchase process, she expressed to me that she wanted to rescue a Greyhound.  I was against it.  Somewhere along the way, she stated that I had told her once she could rescue a greyhound.  I said no.  She said she'd divorce me and take the kids if I didn't let her get a greyhound.  Stupidly I gave in and in comes this worthless dog that bit my kid in the face.  I made the greyhound walk around with a muzzle on while I looked for an exit ramp.  In 2017, she brought home 2 kittens and told me they were my birthday present to her.  At this point that meant we had 4 cats and a greyhound... lovely.

In 2018, I realized I had bought a money pit, sold it, and bought a brand new house in the Midwest.  It was a palace.  4 bedrooms, 2 1/2 bathrooms, basement, garage, gas fireplace, big backyard, anything you would want, it had.  I never should have sold it.  Within the first week, before the grass had started to grow, before the fence was put up, she brought home a Siberian Husky puppy.  Now if you think Siberian Huskies are crazy, you should see what Husky puppies are like.  This dog was nuts.  It pooped and peed all over the house.  I was working from home.  She went back to work and every one to two hours I had to take this guy outside to avoid it destroying the floors and it still destroyed the floors.  I had the carpet pulled up and paid $8,000 for brand new faux-wood floors.  This was not what someone who was worried about a $1700 mortgage (I miss those days) needs.  I was so pissed.  I got so angry one day that she freaked out and called the police, and instead of seeing reason, the cop sided with her, saying I was being a dick because King {LAST NAME} said no dog.  I bought the damned house!  She wasn't on the deed or the mortgage.  The cop told me I had to find somewhere else to stay for the night and could come back in the morning.  When I asked what time, he threatened to arrest me for being smart, and I replied go ahead and do it I'm an attorney and it was a legitimate question and I'd love to take your badge from you.  He backed off... but if he had arrested me I wouldn't have needed a place to sleep LOL.

So on July 4, 2018, the Husky got loose during the fireworks.  I looked all over for him (I finally found him chilling in the neighbor's kiddie pool... the devil is smart, it was hot out).  While my wife and kids were looking, they found this kitten on the side of the road that appeared to be thrown from a moving car (awful right?).  She decided to rescue it.  She took it to the vet and they determined that it would need to have medication to poop for the rest of its life.  This thing grew up to be a nasty, nasty animal.  We now had 5 cats.  It was ridic.  I did not like this cat one bit and it seemed to me that an animal that needs medication twice a day to stay alive maybe shouldn't.  The oldest cat started to get sick.  She spent around $5,000 on credit trying to keep him alive.  She did the same for the second cat.  These animals put us deeply in debt, it felt a lot of the time that I was working to support animals that I did not consent to and did not like.

Along the way, things got bad, and she filed for divorce against me, but she intended to stay in the house until she could afford to leave, so I was living in my house and sleeping in my unheated basement (thank G_d for good blankets) while she was in the master bedroom being... the master.  While the divorce case was going on, I was walking downstairs with a full laundry basket and I bumped into the greyhound, causing it to yelp.  Whatever, right?  She proceeded to tell the greyhound rescue that I was abusing it and she brought the dog back to them.  I fully believe she intended to use that against me in court to prove I was abusive, but for reasons I don't completely understand, she asked to reconcile and I stupidly said OK.  We went to marriage counseling and things were OK for a while.  During marriage counseling, I expressed my desire to live pet free and we came to an agreement that no animal would be brought into the house unless I was on board and I would be given all the facts about the animal before I was asked to make a decision.  In my mind, that meant when these animals died, it was over.  There would NEVER be another animal.

In June 2021, we were both in a car wreck.  I had a concussion.  I was OUT of it.  I could barely do my job.  I'd wake up, go to my home office, work 8 or 9 hours, cook for everyone (she was recovering from a torn labrum and couldn't do housework all summer) eat, and then go to sleep.  A concussion is like being hung over for months only you didn't get to have a party.  The first week of the school year she had a friend   Along the way, she took a job in New England, she swears I agreed (I do not remember but there are literally blocks of weeks I do not remember from 2021) and on (bad) advice from a pastor, I agreed to move.  I sold my palace and moved to a lesser house in New England (dollars do not go as far up here).  We had to take about $30,000 less because of the damage her animals did to the house.  It should have sold for $395,000, we got $365,000, and my real estate agent said we were lucky to get that.

In 2022, my daughter came in the office and asked for one Guinea Pig.  My default was to say no, but it was explained to me that the pig would need about the space of an end-table and it was kind of like a furry goldfish.  I relented.  My wife told me she fully expected me to say no and that is why she sent my daughter to me to ask.  I told her that if she wanted to make me the bad guy, she should have given me the heads up but I am sick of being the bad guy when it comes to animals. 

Woof this is cathartic actually.  So while I am away on business, I get a call that the guinea pig is lonely and needs are friend or it will die.  I tell them to take the pig back.  Then while I'm in a business meeting, I get a text message, I stupidly said "just handle it" assuming she'd understand I meant bring the pig back.  When I got home, there were two guinea pigs.  Then without my knowledge, 4 more pigs were brought in the house and put in my other daughters room.  The number ballooned to 12 before I made my wife rehome 6 of them.  When I tell you my daughter's rooms smell like feces and I did not spend this much money for my 19 & 20 year old (now) children to live like this, I mean it.  The footprint for these pigs' cages is about the size of a twin sized bed.  Oh and these guinea pigs caused a fly infestation in my drains, so even though it is literally below zero outside, I'm fighting off a drain fly infestation.  When I tell you I hate guinea pigs, I HATE guinea pigs.

This June, as my daughters were getting ready to graduate (my oldest was 2 years late graduating, she's one of the kids that got spun by COVID), Once again, while on business, I get this frantic text message about a husky that is about to be put to sleep if we didn't rescue it.  I asked for the rescue's phone number.  So I called and found out that no, the dog wasn't going to be put down, and there was no emergency.  She was expecting me to not check up on her. 

Two weeks later, while getting the living room and kitchen set up for the graduation party, everyone was in a rotten mood.  I asked my youngest why and it was because there was a dog in South Carolina (1000 miles away!) that was going to be put down if it wasn't rescued.  I immediately said no.  I was emphatic about it.  My wife insisted the dog was coming.  I said I want the animal rescues phone number I need to verify that this dog is going to be put down.  She refused to give me the number... so in my mind, the dog was not going to be euthanized.  The argument erupted.  I grabbed a cat carrier and said fine, if you are bringing a 60 pound dog here, I'm getting rid of 60 pounds of cats and guinea pigs.  The police were called.  This time I handled myself better and I wasn't painted as the bad guy.  She actually told the police that she wasn't bringing the dog in.  I was hot to trot to get rid of the cats because they are now missing their litter boxes and making the basement nasty.  My home gym is down there, I haven't worked out since May because of the smell.  I hate everything about my life in this house.  I am a prisoner to these animals.

My wife told me she wanted a divorce over my refusal to accept the dog rescue from South Carolina.  I said you are coming to counseling with me first.  We went to counseling and rehashed everything again.  I said when you are on your deathbed, if I'm alive, I'll be there, but your pets, they won't be.  She said she didn't want me at her deathbed.  I left that counseling session sure she wanted out.  The next day she changed her mind and I agreed (why?) to not continue with the divorce case.

So then a week and a half later, she and my oldest daughter head out on a "girl's trip" on a Saturday morning.  I think, perfect, I can go chill with my boys as the comic book shop and play some D & D.  When I get home, the dog that I explicitly said no to, was there.  The dog, that was supposedly trained, was not.  Here we go again, in order to protect my house I'm now training another dog.  This dog has put about a dozen holes in the drywall and six months later is still having accidents.

In September, my wife was reached out to by an organization about 5 hours from here that wanted her to interview for a job.  I said sure, find out what it is about.  When she told me what the specifications were, it was not enough of an increase to move even though the job was better.  I looked at the area and realized that if I lost my job, I was screwed, I could not operate in my chosen profession from there, not at my current level.  She accepted the job anyway and started packing.  I told her I wasn't going.  I gave it a shot, went to look at a couple of houses there, and was kind of positive about them.  I went to sleep that night and when I woke up the next morning, I realized "You cannot spend the next 20 years of your life here". 

So now this job has become a disaster for her, she was supposed to start right after Thanksgiving, it has been pushed twice, first to the end of December and now to February and I doubt this job is going to come to fruition, but she has already resigned her current job (like an idiot, you only need to give 2 weeks notice, not 2 months for courtesy, I don't care what field you are in) so come January, it will just be my salary and she was carrying the health insurance so there will not be any wiggle room at all.  She has put us so far behind the financial 8-ball that I cannot think straight.

This house has to get sold.  We will lose $15,000 to $20,000 because of animal damage.  All things considered, between loss and expenses, I believe $200,000 of my money has been poured into animals I said no to.  I have told her I am returning to the Midwest.  This was the last time my stance on animals or where we should live is going to be ignored.

I don't even know what is real anymore, but things are starting to be clearer.

[xredshoesx]

welcome the group cj

it must be really hard to feel like your feelings and opinions don't matter and it seems like your wife made your feelings smaller and less important each and every time after a new pet was brought home.  It's noble to want to help all of god's creatures but that desire to help all god's creatures great and small can't become a debt to your family finances/ relationships.

one thing you didn't mention in your post was if you thought your spouse was dealing with an undiagnosed personality disorder-  you can find some more info on that here

Disorders

some other information on traits of different personality disorders can be found here
Top 100 Traits 

hope this helps you get more of a background about the commonalities the members here are working out/working through with our uPD/ PD loved ones and family members.

[MaxedOut]

Oof, CJ. Being so explicitly overruled over and over again and having your feelings and agreements deprioritized is grinding. I imagine in her head it's justified because of all the other animals she would have brought home but didn't. I think my exUBPDw felt that way about a lot of things, like abusive behaviors ("You're lucky I'm only...").

Financial issues were big for us too. Your story of the first puppy reminds me one of my realization moments late in the relationship. We actually had a large chunk of resources and at a point where I has been in caregiver Uber out for a couple of years, desperate for some relief (working fulltime, doing almost all housework, cooking, dealing with most other stuff).

She didn't want to spend funds to help take that pressure off in any substantial way (e.g., once-a-month housekeeping help). It was working for her to have me grinding with the wheels practically falling off and preferable to the anxiety of having to deal with someone else.

Anyway, those sorts of realizations that the disorder often trumps the most important people and relationships (like your wife's ultimatums) is tough to really absorb and believe. So is looking back and seeing a ratcheting that is not exactly one way in the near and mid-term. But is often one way longterm, as our reality gets further away from what is ok for us.

The toolkit on this website if great in helping make things clearer, getting back to a space where we can think straight, and providing tools for these relationships (regardless of the outcome).