Giving and receiving gifts

Cascade · December 18, 2025, 02:04:13 AM

For the last few years, my husband has been opposed to receiving gifts, to the point where sometimes he gets a little angry if I give him a gift. Years ago he was fine with it, even seemed to enjoy it. Last Christmas we had decided not to buy any Christmas gifts for each other, then on Christmas Day he gave me several gifts and I felt awful for not having bought him anything. So this year I decided to buy him a few things because I don't want that experience again and I can't trust his word. So when a person with a personality disorder doesn't want to receive gifts, do you think it is because they don't want to buy gifts in return? Or is it that they want to be able to tell others that they didn't get anything for Christmas, thus getting attention and sympathy from them.

bloomie · December 20, 2025, 10:50:35 AM

Cascade - you have hit on an area that can be so weaponized I have found. The giving, or not giving, of gifts.

What I know about this power struggle/push-pull kind of thing around gift giving from my own relationship is whatever the motivation around my H's behaviors and mixed messaging that seems to always leave me in a double bind, crap kind of situation is... it is about him. The. End.

The orientation to gifts, in my own observation over many years, is that whatever is said or done or not said and done around gift giving is not about bringing joy and celebrating with me. It is about whatever he is feeling or thinking about himself at that particular time that is directed outward. I just happen to be the closest hook to hang all that on.

I am sad for both of us that something so potentially personal and relationship building like celebrating and gift giving is a painful, uncertain experience!

Cascade · December 21, 2025, 01:06:22 AM

Thanks for your kind words of understanding Bloomie.

countrygirl · December 22, 2025, 06:04:39 AM

Hi,

Yes, I think that the giving and receiving of gifts can really tell you a lot about who a person is. Often, it coordinates with the person's ability to give and to receive love and affection.

Christmas was never a happy time in my family of origin. Nothing ever pleased my mother, even though my father gave her many nice and often thoughtful presents. Once I was grown, he would sometimes ask me to buy a present for her, which he would then wrap and give to her, from him.

I told him she was impossible to please, and that I had already agonized over what to get her myself. He said, "Well, I just thought that since you're a woman, you would know what to get her." He was a smart person, but wouldn't allow himself to accept that nothing was ever going to please her; there was no secret formula. He just wanted to shift the responsibility onto me.

So one year I got a gorgeous silk scarf for him to gift her. She opened it, looked straight at me and said, "You bought this, didn't you?" This was said in a tone of, 'I know you're guilty, so don't try to deny it.' She insisted I take the scarf home with me. I still have it, but after writing about it today, I'm going to put it in the bag for thrift shop donations! It has no happy associations!

Cascade, I think there is something to your speculation that people with personality disorders don't want to give anything in return. But I also think they don't want to receive anything. They don't want to feel or to express gratitude.

In practical terms, I think you're smart to have bought a few presents for your husband. (Just as my father and I did buy gifts for my mother, even though we knew she would never like anything. She did buy gifts for us, but never anything really nice, really thoughtful. I think she just wanted to get the gift buying out of the way.)

I hope that you have a good day, nevertheless. Think of something you'd like to have, and buy it for yourself, is my advice, not necessarily for Christmas, but sometime soon.

Cascade · December 23, 2025, 01:49:55 AM

Thanks country girl, for your kind insight.

blacksheep7 · December 23, 2025, 10:32:54 AM

Hi Cascade,
It's a double bind which puts you in an akward position. $:-\$

Quote: Yes, I think that the giving and receiving of gifts can really tell you a lot about who a person is. Often, it coordinates with the person's ability to give and to receive love and affection.
[/b]

I agree. My dd does not want my love or affection from me. When I gave her gifts of any kind with the thought that it would please her, being from my travels or whatever.... Nothing. Just sits there with a plain thank you similar to any polite response by a stranger. That just kills me.

She still hasn't processed her hurts from my divorce from her narc father 40 years ago. I am to blame. I am very very lc with her. I only contact her when I want to have my gkids over for the weekend.
I am not important in her life and it's so obvious. Invisible on Facebook, only pictures of her father's celebrations. I am disactivating my account. After years, I can't take the hurt anymore.

Sorry for writing my grievances, I am anticipating christmas day with her.

Wishing you all peace of mind.

Cascade · December 24, 2025, 01:08:53 AM

Blacksheep, sorry to hear of your relationship with your dd. I hope you are able to enjoy Christmas with your grandchildren.

blacksheep7 · December 24, 2025, 09:02:14 AM

Thank you Cascade!

Poison Ivy · January 01, 2026, 03:16:41 PM

My daughter and her fiance stayed with me for a few days over the Christmas holiday. They gave me a big TV. It's nice. It's better than what it replaced.

I didn't ask for it, but I graciously accepted it.

My gratitude started to diminish when my daughter said something like, "Oh, this is for me so that we have a better TV to watch when I'm here," and when my future SIL suggested that I drop my current cable TV service and sign up for a streaming service or illegally use theirs and then said, "Next time we're here, I'll redo all your WiFi."

Now the gift of this big TV is conveying to me that my daughter and future SIL think my home isn't good enough and that my future SIL thinks I'm stupid (at least as far as technology is concerned). I'm not going to return the TV, but I will avoid using it when I'm alone (approximately 355 days per year).

Catothecat · January 02, 2026, 08:48:38 AM

I absolutely agree that the giving and receiving of gifts can tell you a lot about a person. I would rather receive nothing than receive something given without the spirit of giving, given because it's "expected" or the other person wants you to feel a certain way about them, or even a subtle way of them telling you how they feel about you.

When I was married to my NPDexh, we agreed early on to not give gifts on any occasion. My husband said it was because we couldn't really afford it so there was no point in spending money needlessly. The not able to afford it part was true through most of our marriage, but you don't need to spend a lot of money to give something, and it didn't need to feel like an obligation. But he would never acknowledge that so throughout our entire marriage I got not one thing from him, nor did I give him anything in return. He set the rules and I followed them. Of course, he would happily gift himself the things he wanted, and that was the point. He didn't want to spend money on me. And if I bought him something, I knew it would only anger him because "we agreed," so I never bought him anything. Interestingly, we had to give Christmas gifts to his parents and they had to be "nice" because they were fairly well off and expected "nice things." I can't express how depressing Christmases with him were.

Cascade · January 07, 2026, 01:39:32 AM

Poison ivy, that statement really takes the joy out of a gift!

Catothecat, that would make for depressing Christmases. I hope you have better christmases now.

Associate of Daniel · January 07, 2026, 02:43:11 AM

Pd gift giving is a dramatic circus dance with the gift being used as a weapon.

I'm sensitive to this topic so take or leave what I say here.

If he says he'd like a gift, give him a gift. If he says on receipt of the gift that he didn't want a gift, take it back to the shop and get your money back.

If he says he doesn't want any gifts, don't give him one. If he then complains that he didn't receive one, remind him of what he said and leave it at that. Don't get drawn into an argument or circular, not relevant conversation.

If he gives you a gift after it had been decided (by him) that gifts were not going to be given, receive it graciously and refer to previous paragraph.

Don't feel guilty. It's him creating drama and it's a drama you want no part of.

Alternatively, have a few gift vouchers to give him if it gets too much. Tell him to choose his own present.

I'm not feeling very gracious regarding pd-ness at the moment. Sorry.

AOD

Associate of Daniel · January 07, 2026, 02:45:13 AM

I forgot to add, don't spend any time on trying to read his mind or understand it. There are very few answers and it's not good for your own mental health.

AOD

Poison Ivy · January 07, 2026, 07:06:48 PM

Cascade, on further thought, I think my daughter meant well. I'm sure she senses that I struggle with accepting "nice things," and generally I would feel better about her having something nice than about me having something nice.

The situation also is complicated for me by the fact that I'm going to have a son-in-law and I have both the somewhat standard feeling that nobody is good enough for my daughter and the probably not-standard feeling that I'm not good enough for my daughter or my soon-to-be son-in-law, especially because his mom died a few years ago. I think soon-to-be SIL and I both feel stress.