Unsolicited mail

[Maria Pia]

I've been NC with my family for the second time since May. While I initiated NC with a suspicion that my family had cyber stalked me, I know now that it was a successful attempt after rereading the security alert sent years ago to my email. The hackers were from the area my parents were living in and it was actually successful. Previously I had thought it was an attempt to hack. It seems I had misread the security alert initially. This means they could read all my emails and further hack into all my accounts.

 Back in May my husband and I asked for our privacy to be respected. Yet, I've now just received my second card in the mail. The first was from my mom. The second is from an extended relative and it seems to have something inside (I'm guessing a gift card).

I am usually the one to send out thank you notes, but this time, given that this particular relative is close with my mom, I won't be doing that. I'm not even sure I'm going to open either card. I don't think my nervous system can take it yet.

The concern comes that my mom kept asking in a panicked way if I was alive immediately after going NC. I had my siblings also asking the same thing as well. So, it's likely that it continues to be a narrative. It feels like if I stay NC with the family they will continue to believe my mom's narrative that something horrible happened despite my husband having reached out by email months ago to ask my mother to stop sending people after us.  One sibling even doubted that my husband's email reflected my decision. 

I hate to think that my mom is manipulating people to think something tragic happened to me. But, I absolutely don't want to break NC because after many attempts to communicate, I've come to realize no one in my family can have a normal discussion. It usually goes directly to screaming at me, guilting, and obligating me while bypassing anything I'm bringing up.

So, should I worry that things will escalate when the mail goes unanswered? I don't have anything against this relative, but they are simply uncomfortably close to my mom and will be communicating any "sign of life" to her if I respond.

[walking on broken glass]

Hi Maria Pia,
I am sorry your family is consistently violating your boundaries. You are right to keep the NC in place. The relative is probably a flying monkey sent by your mum to get info. Don't fall into the politeness trap; you don't have to reply and thank her. The concern and worry are pretexts for control. Your mum is not worried that you are unwell: she is worried that you have slipped her control and that she has no power over you. Silence will be a more effective message than anything else.

[Call Me Cordelia]

Agreed. It sounds like your options are to respond and be certain of escalation ("...because after many attempts to communicate, I've come to realize no one in my family can have a normal discussion. It usually goes directly to screaming at me, guilting, and obligating me while bypassing anything I'm bringing up.") or do nothing and see what happens or doesn't. You have nothing to lose by ignoring it from where I sit.

I have an annual Christmas monkey relative. There was zero relationship with this distant relative before I went NC other than an obligatory Christmas card. After we moved and left no forwarding address, the card kept coming. This has been going on for years. But nothing else has happened. I let my husband open the card. It has not yet contained news of my parents' death. 

[Call Me Cordelia]

That may sound horrible... but every year the card includes a typewritten invitation to the family Christmas party and no personal message whatever. This is my only contact with a relative whatsoever. It feels like an annual jab that my parents know where I live. But like you, I know there's a hook in that bait.

[footprint33]

As walking on broken glass notes, the "concern" expressed for you is really just a pretext for control. The more you don't take the bait on these things, the more they'll stop trying to steamroll your boundaries. As far as others in the shared social network go, they may believe the stories they're fed in the beginning. But after a while, at least some of them will question the narrative they're being fed.