Mum's in Hospital

[The New Me!]

Hi, I'm so conflicted at the moment. My Mum has been in hospital for just over a week; she has C Diff and I found out she was in hospital from my son. My Step-Dad constantly asked my son if he'd let me know my Mum was in hospital. My son told them that I was planning on visiting my Mum in hospital, but then my son had a phone call from my step-dad; asking me not to visit my Mum in hospital; said to leave it a few days and that my Mum doesn't want me seeing her like that. My son then told them that I wouldn't be visiting anyway. I'm feeling so sad about the whole situation. Wishing I had a relationship with my Mum whereby I would just visit her anyway. Knowing that if I did then I would be making myself feel ill again. I feel like I'm grieving all over again and wondering whether all this will ever go away; the guilt and all the crap that goes with it. So very fed up with the whole situation. Really wishing that I could just disappear somewhere right now and not come back.

[Call Me Cordelia]

Wow, lots of communication between your son and stepfather about you and your mother.  If your stepfather wants you to know something, or ask about your plans, it seems most reasonable for him to simply call you himself. Is there a piece I'm missing here?

If this is simply your family brand of dysfunction, no wonder you're fed up with the whole thing. It sounds like a confusing kind of grief for you, where perhaps you don't feel as if you actually have any real choices here? Because both visiting her and not means lots of terrible feelings for you. And you're being guilted about coming to visit and then pushed away and told don't bother. What a double bind. I'm so sorry.

[moglow]

Those double binds are awful - being guilted into going then told you're not wanted there. Worse, going through your son as if he somehow speaks for you? Been there done that myself with my mother unfortunately. There just seems no way to get it right - and I guess that's what she really wanted all along, sad as it is.

[The New Me!]

Wow, lots of communication between your son and stepfather about you and your mother.  If your stepfather wants you to know something, or ask about your plans, it seems most reasonable for him to simply call you himself. Is there a piece I'm missing here?

If this is simply your family brand of dysfunction, no wonder you're fed up with the whole thing. It sounds like a confusing kind of grief for you, where perhaps you don't feel as if you actually have any real choices here? Because both visiting her and not means lots of terrible feelings for you. And you're being guilted about coming to visit and then pushed away and told don't bother. What a double bind. I'm so sorry.

Hi there I'm no contact with my Mum and Step Dad. Managed to stay no contact on and off for the past 10 years. Two years being the most constant. Then afterwards me feeling ill and depressed again. It's so hard and I wish things could be different and I had a healthy stable upbringing.

[1footouttadefog]

Darned of you do darned of you don't. 

In the mean time she is getting the professional care she needs for her medical condition.  I hope you can take comfort in that and that it's happening regardless of the family members and relationship dynamics.  What matters most is in order.

[The New Me!]

Darned of you do darned of you don't. 

In the mean time she is getting the professional care she needs for her medical condition.  I hope you can take comfort in that and that it's happening regardless of the family members and relationship dynamics.  What matters most is in order.

[The New Me!]

Hi thanks for the reply. She's still in hospital. Community care is being put in place at the moment ready for when she's discharged.

[bloomie]

The New Me! - I am thankful you reached out for support as you are facing another round of this painful dance. I am so sorry!

If it helps at all, C-diff is highly contagious through contact (you may already know this) and you wouldn't be able to visit anyway until she is cleared even if you are inclined to. But, isn't that an interesting metaphor... you have found that contact with your mother and step father brings potential risk to you and have had to choose no contact for your own health and well being.

That place were we do want to know what is going on with our parents and yet are not able to engage as we wish we could is one of the hardest to live in, in my humble experience and opinion. The tension in that space can seem unbearable at times and the remedy hard to find. My thoughts for you are that you will find rest in knowing you still hold a heart that cares, that hopes for better possibly even while realizing better may never be.

It's said a lot here in the community because it is important.. realizing the difficulty and taking healthy steps to cope and care for yourself in the midst of this is vital! Let us know how you are as you are able!

[The New Me!]

Hi Bloomie thanks so much for your reply.

She was discharged today and some equipment was delivered to their house today. My son works at the hospital where she was an inpatient.

I'm relieved she has the care in place at home and glad she is getting the help and support needed.

My step dad my Myeloma cancer as well - diagnosed in 2024.

Mum has incontinence as well so will need the personal care.

I just feel so sad that things couldn't be different, but that's not my responsibility.