I was the easy one

Sojourner17 · January 20, 2026, 01:19:49 AM

I've been thinking about what has transpired in the last couple of weeks and about a certain comment my mom made the last time we actually talked (two weeks ago). She said I was easy to parent growing up. She said if I thought I did something wrong or had done something wrong I told her right away and was distraught over what I did. She compared this to my sisters who didn't tell and would lie. That she had to be a sleuth to find out what was going on. She said I was easy and that she never worried about me growing up.

It felt off to me. I was fairly easy growing up. I was obedient for the most part. But I also got myself into things that I should not have been exposed to. I think about this as our oldest DS is almost the age I was when I started getting into problems in regards to wanting attention from the opposite sex as well as the age that I was when things fell apart for my mom. There was things happening before that but when I was 12 there was a watershed moment.

I was easy because I kept the peace. I was easy because I stayed out of the way. I was easy because I went along. I pacified her, I stayed quiet. I stayed in my room drawing and writing, I stayed outside, I played piano, sometimes for an hour at a time.

Now I'm not being "easy". In one of the last texts mom said if I couldn't manage to call every two weeks to just never mind and that what happened at the funeral said it all.

I'm not exactly sure what this said to her but I think it was her wounds speaking. Wounded pride, and perceived rejection.

I'm no longer the easy one and I think in the end I will be okay with that.
I'm not the difficult one either.

I'm not exactly sure what I'm going to do moving forward. I've been collecting my thoughts in my notes on my phone. I come up with some pretty good monologues in my head but don't seem to get them down on paper.

I did say I'd call next Saturday.
So there's that...hopefully I can come up with a protection plan but maybe a truth telling convo.

moglow · January 20, 2026, 12:17:00 PM

I'm not clear what happened at the funeral - You didn't fulfill her expectations in some way? I'll just say this - other people's expectations aren't ours to fix. It sounds like she's showing little to no consideration for your own loss and is demanding you somehow resolve hers.

Mine used to use funerals in particular as a means of redirecting attention. Her loss was the only one that mattered, she was the only one who'd lost anyone and was grieving. Not one whit of respect or considerations for others also grieving, and yes, she'd say it right out loud that hers was most important.

NarcKiddo · January 20, 2026, 12:57:39 PM

The only thing I would like to comment on in particular is your statement that the call you have planned might end up as a truth telling conversation. That's up to you, of course, but before you tell the truth "all guns blazing" or even just some guns blazing I'd recommend you think about what you would like the end result to be. In an ideal world I guess she would apologise, accept that you were the "easy one" because she was squashing and controlling you, and you and she would have a better and more understanding relationship. It is possible that will come to pass but from what I have read of your previous posts I am guessing that is a less likely scenario than some others. Another possibility is that she feels attacked and doubles down on her statements about you, using a difficult conversation as proof that you are the difficult one and causing her problems and pain. I'd suggest you plan for that possibility, or whatever other less than ideal possibilities might happen based on your knowledge of what she is like, and then work out what your response might be. Both externally to her and internally to yourself. And I would also recommend you make the call at a time when you are feeling calm and that you schedule in some time immediately following the call to decompress. Good luck.

Sojourner17 · January 20, 2026, 01:13:15 PM

Moglow- I chose not to spend the night at her house and she says I told her that I had other people I wanted to talk with rather than her while I was there.

She expected me to spend the night and expected that I would talk about the year long NC while at her house waiting to go to the funeral.

She had tried to get me to talk about it a few days prior while I was talking to her on the phone about what we were and we're not going to do. When I told her it was not the time to talk about it (I was snippy to her and spoke sharply) she hung up on me.

Narckiddo, yes, I've been thinking about that. Guns blazing hasn't worked in the past. It was just fuel. A momentary release that just added to the problem and basically a tit for tat thing. Not good.

No, at this point it would just slide more sideways.

I'm trying to think about how I want things to be. Ideally I'd like to be able to have a good convo every two weeks and eventually see some sort of reconciliation but deep down I don't see that happening any time soon.

I'm thinking of saying something like the following: I'm sorry you felt hurt by the choices I made at the funeral. It was a very painful and difficult time for me. I told you I was not ready to talk about why I chose to stop contact. I am still not ready to talk about it and do not have a timeline as to when I will be ready. I am willing to continue to have a phone call every other week to catch up on things going on but I will not be talking about my choice to stop contact or the choices I made before and during the funeral. If you want we can talk about something else. If you are not feeling up to it we can end our call and talk in a couple weeks.

moglow · January 20, 2026, 01:38:19 PM

So she's still trying to force a showdown. To what purpose - Is she bored? Will anything be resolved by it? My best guess is you've said no and she can't handle that. Keep bringing it up and know what, mom? We just won't talk.

Thing is, you've both been through a painful and difficult time with your father's passing. That doesn't make you responsible for her while you exclude your own grieving. Nothing between you and her has changed - I get the feeling her needs supersede your own, if only in her head. You're not refusing to help where you can, you simply don't see the need and aren't ready to have certain conversations with her. That may not change - you may decide there's no good to be found in that conversation at all ever. Some things aren't resolved by talking it through, particularly with someone who's hellbent on making you the bad guy while refusing to look to themselves for any answers.

Sojourner17 · January 20, 2026, 03:27:26 PM

No I don't see the need to talk about it.
I just want peace.

moglow · January 20, 2026, 07:31:00 PM

Maybe it's best to tell her just that - you won't be discussing that time with her. At all. I've found with mine sometimes less said the better, she's going to twist my words regardless of what I actually say. It's not always easy though - it's hard for me to lock down and refuse subjects I very much want to discuss, even knowing she's not going to respond anywhere near appropriately. I'm going to be the bad guy and I've had to decide to be okay with that.

I tried yet again to have a conversation with mine not long ago to resolve some of my questions, why she's talked to me the way she has particularly in recent months. She told me flat out, she doesn't want and isn't going to talk about what she calls "all that ugliness" (ie me asking very direct questions about the way she treats me). In her mind I should just pass it off as if all is well between us, no history that got us where we are. That's all well and good, if we were anywhere near a good place. We're not. I know her too well, she'll say that then throw "the past" back in my face when convenient, demanding that I say nothing in response. She's already done it, since that conversation a month ago.

That's my stuff, but my point is yours sounds similar. She seems to be expecting something from you she's frankly not earned. Maybe you can decide what, if anything, you want from a relationship with her. The mandated phone calls sound like space fillers for her. What if you simply have nothing to say, nothing you wish to share? You're to sit and listen to each other breathe?

It seems easy for me to say, but I know it's not easy for you at all. We're torn between doing what's best for ourselves while battling their warped interpretation of events. Somewhere along the way we have to stand for ourselves - and they just may have to learn to live with the monster they created.

NarcKiddo · January 21, 2026, 07:26:14 AM

Quote from: Sojourner17 on January 20, 2026, 01:13:15 PMI'm thinking of saying something like the following: I'm sorry you felt hurt by the choices I made at the funeral. It was a very painful and difficult time for me. I told you I was not ready to talk about why I chose to stop contact. I am still not ready to talk about it and do not have a timeline as to when I will be ready. I am willing to continue to have a phone call every other week to catch up on things going on but I will not be talking about my choice to stop contact or the choices I made before and during the funeral. If you want we can talk about something else. If you are not feeling up to it we can end our call and talk in a couple weeks.

That sounds like an honest and straightforward thing to say. She may hate it and blow up, but it won't be because of anything unreasonable you have said.

Sojourner17 · January 21, 2026, 12:57:11 PM

Narckiddo, that's exactly what my hubby and I were talking about last night. She won't be happy about it but I guess then I just tell her that I have to go and end the call.

I'm not sure if I should bring it up or if I should just call and not say anything/wait for her to bring it up.

Next will be me not calling on the remembrance of my dad's birthday.

What I said to my husband was basically ...why should I call on that day? My dad is dead. It's not like I can wish him a happy birthday.

Liketheducks · January 22, 2026, 10:32:02 AM

I was the easy kid to parent, as well. Mostly because we were so enmeshed, I was an extension of her. And, I didn't dare do anything to upset that dynamic. If I did, it was the silent treatment. Given my other parent was an addict, I made sure to stay in my mother's good graces. Until I didn't, in middle age.

My mom HAS also tried to push issues during family upheavals. Funerals, graduations, large holiday gatherings. When I think about it, I really believe it is to maintain her narrative of being the victim...as in "see, even my child won't talk with me during a funeral". (that's what it sounds like from my point of view). Or sometimes, I've actually heard her make comments about how my brother's suicide should bring us closer together. We SHOULD be able to depend on family during difficult times. But, in my family, I'm not allowed to depend on anyone....but I AM expected to help everyone else regulate their emotions through a difficult time without the benefit of being able to feel safe myself.

After a lengthy NC situation, she actually told everyone she wouldn't enter the building until I came outside to "hash it out" with her. I feel grateful that I was fully engaged in preparing for multiple guests that I didn't immediately take THAT bait. And also a little sad, that she felt that she could compell me to come out in that way. She stood outside in the cold before deciding to come in. For the record, I was cooking for 12 and she arrived as dinner was about to be plated and dished out. I wasn't going to leave all that. Writing it down, it feels like I sound pettier that I'd like to....but I felt like she was asking me to drop everything in the midst of a holiday dinner to go outside in the cold and either argue with her (which wouldn't serve anyone) or kowtow (which would definitely hurt ME).

For me, I just don't believe that our parents fathom that we've grown or healed. They haven't, so...I can see where they might not recognize that we're in a different place. When I advocate for my own autonomy, I feel like I'm just triggering my mom's abandonment wounds. I just don't think she can see past me having autonomy as a middled aged adult. If I'm not controllable, I must be a petulant child...and poor her for having raised such a cold and heartless daughter.

I'm sorry you have had to go through this while also processing grief. Hugs to you.