New Grandson

[Deby64]

Ok, bear with me as I share a quick update on my progress and lack of progress. As most of you know. I'm 6-months out of 42 years in the wilderness with an UPDH. Went NC for 30 days, "I " felt some type of way and reached out. Just to get back on the B.S. insanity wheel for 2 weeks. Then went NC again. Our youngest daughter gave birth on 12/19. I drove the 4-hours alone to be with her. Of course the grief of why he should be with me and all those feelings flooded in. I didn't reach out just stayed focused. Christmas Eve, he sends a text regarding the birth of the grandson. I was cordial with one word replies just answer his questions regarding our daughters health. Then Christmas morning I get a text which was like a novel. Telling me how I've given myself over to evil spirts and don't respect him as the head of our family yada,yada... I fell in the trap and began explaining and defending myself🤦🏾. These text messages went on for 5 hours. Then come to find out. My oldest daughter said he called her and wanted to follow her up here to meet his new grandson, but changed his mind because her mother was acting out in that disrespectful spirit, so he wasn't coming. This pissed me off because once again he engaged early that morning just to project his irresponsible actions on me. Whatever, I'll take that. I blocked him on texting this morning. First time in 6 months I've done this. I really need to face the fear and borrow the money to file the petition for divorce. I'm afraid can't afford a loan, so I keep putting it off hoping he will do it. I now see I will never be truly free until I get this process started. I'm just venting here. Mad at myself for allowing myself to keep getting entangled with him. Why can't I love myself enough to see the bullsh*t for what it is? I'm so tired of educating myself on him and how to heal that it's taking the wind out of my sail. On a positive note. Spending this week with my new grandson has truly been a blessing💜

[xredshoesx]

sending strength @Deby64 - I did the back and forth dance with my ex for at least two years and once you hit your point of no return it does get a little easier- for me it was hearing him complain how I heated up his leftover spaghetti that put me to that spot.... I saw everything for what it was and it was a lot easier to stand up and not get sucked back into the trauma again.  you got this!!!

[xredshoesx]

also congrats on the blessing of that new baby and I am sorry he is dragging your D into the mix-  she needs time to rest and recover and enjoy that baby!!!

[Rebel13]

Hi Deby, congratulations on your new family member! I'm so happy for you that you were able to spend time nourishing the good parts of your family life.

I hear that you feel frustrated with the most recent interaction with your STBX  but please notice -- you got through it, and you took the next step! You blocked his texts! That's a triumph! Every time you take a step like that, you are closer to the free and peaceful life you deserve.

All the best and happy new year.

[MaxedOut]

Congratulations, Deby! And Christmas time, new family, grief, feeling alone... totally the ingredients for a slip. And those JADE patterns are deeply instilled. You recognized it, he (LOL) reaffirmed starkly his distorted view on things, and you blocked a  key form of communication.

No contact is not really a goal, in my opinion, but rather a common way to create conditions where we can stay grounded and true to ourselves. People don't always need that buffer or they don't need that buffer long term or they need some forms of communication to be cut but not others or their PD loved ones don't push hard outside of in person contexts or their PDs discard.

I blocked on phone but email is not blocked, for example. This was in part because I was more prone to have a major internal reaction but mostly because I'd get abusive nastygram screeds and series of messages via text/VM but not typically on email if I delayed response a bit. I found it harder not to JADE on text than email.

Dr. Ramani has some good insight on this.

There may be local resources to help with filing costs and legal representation. If you haven't reached out to your local domestic violence resource center they should know what is available (and they understand abuse is not just about physical assault or physical anything).

I would encourage you to think about this time and the new year about new beginnings and leaving behind what doesn't work and what holds you back. You have the new grand baby, your new place, a new hip, and a new perspective that is clearing from the FOG! You have the chance for that baby to never see grandpa domineering grandma or to see abuse normalized in relationships as how wives (and children) should obey the man of the house. You will be able to provide that grandbaby with a place to visit that is about joy and emotional safety.

Again, congratulations on the new family me,bet and new beginning. You've got this. These "slips" are also often about acting in alignment with our own values. I can both recognize that I should not have put up with X, Y, and Z and should have maybe done A, B, and C quicker after separating... But that would have also likely have left me with nagging guilt or feelings I didn't behave in alignment with who I am. The work now is developing a new framework where I can set healthy boundaries and recognize things and incorporate different actions and reactions into my understanding of my own values. It is hella hard to do that fully within these deep disfunctional relationships. It is trying to develop whole new patterns after a lifetime of other patterns. And trying to do that in arguably THE HARDEST context and relationship. With the Olympics coming up, a decent metaphor might be wanting to learn to shoot a rifle and doing so by being in the Winter Olympics biathlon.

You are seeing things so much more clearly. You don't need to master new mindsets and skills in the Olympic biathlon. Be proud of what you have been able to do and practice, and get yourself in out of the cold, to the fireside chair in the ski lodge. I think that is partly what no contact is about: it is getting inside to a warm, safe space, resting, having some cocoa, being ourselves, thinking about what is next, and  practicing new ways of being around others—but starting with people who are generally respectful, considerate, and care about mutuality, not control. Just getting our nervous systems calmed down can take a long sit by the fire.

[Deby64]

Wow,First let me say Happy New Years to my whole support team. Not sure how I would have survived this long without the help and support. Well, last night I received a Happy New Years message from the UPDH. I didn't block all means of communication forever reason🤷🏾�♀️.
Well we met up and had the same circular conversation, I felt as if I made a very little bit of progress with him hearing my feelings. He wanted me to come in our home for sex, to which I objected and I could feel the tension from my refusal. Once back home in the comfort of my own space. I was able to process some. I do miss him and I know he is sick, that makes me feel sorry for him, yet, on the flip side of that I deserve respect and validation of my feelings which I'll never get from him. That's the radical acceptance piece that keeps me doing the tango with him. He's all I know. The area we live is is so small and country there isn't much social interaction for me, so it's easy to gravitate back to the toxic familiarity of his company. I'm proud that I'm able to see the manipulation and transactional relationship between us. If I keep my head above the FOG, I maybe able to survive this until I can't anymore. I didn't do so much JADE last night it was exhausting, yet it felt better than giving in and jumping on the jade train. There were several moments of silence after some delusional comments that in the past I would have jumped on the jade train, instead. I sat in silence. I never got out of my car when I met up with him and several times I started the car saying ok it's time for me to go. That cut off the manipulative talk for awhile. I don't want this toxic dance in 2026, I'm grateful to be getting stronger and wiser. Really embracing self-love. At the same time I truly understand healing is a journey and it takes what it takes. This support helps me to keep clarity about what I'm doing and where I'm going. I'm so impulsive I've been thinking of walking away from my job and moving closer to my daughter and grandson's. That's a 5 hour drive and I'd be away from him for sure. Then I have to remind myself that distance will not remove the emotional/toxic bond. I need to stay present and continue the internal work. Leaving would some what put me in a bind financially anyways 🤦🏾🤦🏾
Thanks for holding space for me to vent💕

[Rebel13]

It sounds like you are working and thinking hard about what is right for you, Deby. Lots of support for you from me on that. I'm especially admiring that you were able to let silence be, instead of filling it with JADE. That is still a tough one for me!

Decisions around staying or going are very hard and tricky. I am in a situation that, earlier in my life, I would have left quite a while ago. For a number of reasons I haven't been able to do that. I have spent the last year observing myself and others in the situation and (hopefully) learning and practicing some new skills that I wouldn't have, if I had left when I first wanted to a year ago. I feel and believe that's valuable. I also recently realized that I may have learned everything I can, and nothing I do is going to change the situation. So I'm very ready to go now!

Hoping we all have the space, time, luck and resources to make the best decisions we can for ourselves in 2026. Happy New Year!

[MaxedOut]

I happened across this today that also takes a substance framing view on breaking trauma bonds (she specializes in NPD but I think there is applicability for other PDs): https://www.facebook.com/reel/1036640371946323?fs=e&s=TIeQ9V&fs=e&fs=e

I had actually posted a reflection on hitting a milestone for sobriety recently that part of what's helpful is not wanting to keep repeating the worst part again (the first days, weeks, months). Like Sisyphus and the rock and the hill, but when we can actually get the boulder over the hill, or just leave the boulder and walk around the hill - I'm not sure what the full allegory is, LOL.

We each come to a point of not wanting to mess with that damn boulder again in our own way. I was "lucky" in that my ex did not really love bomb (guilt bomb, and accusation bomb, and support needs, and some sentimental stuff, but acceptance from the get go then a full split within a few months that persists as far as I know). It would have been harder with continued attempts at hooking me.

Debi, you have done such a great job reflecting, playing the game tapes, noticing your patterns and his, and using the tools. And most of it after the split. I had to develop those in the relationship in order to feel I could leave - versus the bravery you had to leave with the footing being less sure. Anyway, I hope the new year is treating you well.

[Deby64]

Thanks MaxedOut, 2026 as to be the beginnings of true freedom for me. I'll post updates as I slip and slide on this emotional roller coaster.