The Pain of the book "F*ck Them Kids"

[FindingGrace]

I have been NC now with my parents for a little over a year. It has brought me so much more peace than I thought possible and I did so after a long process of therapy and failed boundary setting and conversations.  This week, I found out that my mother has been publicly sharing with nearly everyone she comes across (of course so it would get back to me) about how "healing" and how much "clarity" the book "F*ck Them Kids" by Vivian King has been for her. Write-up descriptions about this book say things like, "It exposes the cult-like language of online "healing" spaces that encourage adult children to sever ties, rewrite history, and reject accountability. It explores how estranged parents are often misjudged, scapegoated, and left to suffer in silence..." and that it empowers estranged parents to "Let go of guilt and reclaim their power; Recognize manipulative therapy trends and online echo chambers..."

I wish I was in a place where I could say finding this out wasn't hurtful. But it was. It was devastating. That this is how, after all of the years of my trying to explain all the ways I was harmed, ignored, invalidated, my partner was vilified (she even said he faked his food allergy to ruin her mother's day) - I could go on - she was "finding healing" ? And from a book witch such an awful, accusatory title? It feels so dehumanizing and full of contempt.

I don't know how to process this. I wish I was in a place where this didn't bother me, but I'm not there.

[Call Me Cordelia]

Never heard of that book, but believe me, the fact that she is going around telling anyone who will listen how much she loves something called, "F*ck Them Kids," is telling them plenty about herself. That book sounds like so much projection. Just who is rewriting history, rejecting accountability, judging, and scapegoating? (Hint: F*ck who?) I think your mother's acquaintance are likely to back away slowly, and maybe have a bit of compassion for her kid.

Does knowing this ease the pain? Maybe not. But I hope it goes to show that you really really didn't deserve the mother you got. Hopefully you can be helped to let go of whatever guilt you may still carry.

[FindingGrace]

Thank you for that. It does help. If anything, hearing about how she is espousing the values of this book (and I found out the author is an engineer), affirms that I made the healthiest decision I could for my mental health by going NC. It wasn't easy, but but if the response I am finding out has not only been bad-mouthing, flying monkeys, blame-shifting and now "f*ck them kids" - WOW. You are right. I didn't deserve the mother I got. But I'm trying every day to be the mother my kids deserve. Letting go of the guilt more and more, day by day.

Thank you.

[GoodPesto]

Hi FindingGrace,

I feel your pain it's completely understandable you're hurt by finding out about this. To not be seems so "high level" to me, I imagine it's only achievable by not-knowing-about-it at all. I never heard about the book either before but to some degree it's not a surprise to me that someone took the other side in writing when there is heaps of self-help literature about surving PD-people or emotionally immature parents. Like CallMeCordelia I see a lot of projection and "more of the same" that had ruined the relationship in the first place.
I guess this will sting for a while but stop in the end since you are n/c and are firm in your decision. If you like to prevent her from (still) being able to get under your skin like this, you could check how you can avoid getting news like this about her.
It's a quick shot without having read the book, but the assumed "rejected acountabilty" of the - in whatever way - mistreated kid sounds like picture perfect victim-blaming. You only cut contact because you are unable to see how you as a kid were deserving/provoking the abuse. Could be once you analyze the book you can find a few more of the top 100traits of PD people performed in writing...
I am positive you will find a way to turn this discovery and the accompanied pain into something beneficial for your future.
Best wishes

[NarcKiddo]

Sounds like classic DARVO to me. I'm sorry she is doing this and that you had to find out.

[FindingGrace]

Dear GoodPesto and NarcKiddo,

Thank you both. Being here and being affirmed helps a lot. And distancing myself further from any source that can get any information back to me about my mother is a great suggestion. It only sends me into the guilt tailspin I worked so hard to avoid by going NC in the first place.
And you're right DARVO to a "T"

My priority has to be to continue to protect my truth and my peace.

Thank you all, truly, for creating a space of safety and for commenting when I needed it most.

[moglow]

I've heard of the book and at least from where I'm sitting, it sounds vile. There's little of acceptance that the relationship is broken and what can we do, but more of a thumbing of the nose at those involved. There's no introspection but rather that they're resolved to the anger.

@FindingGrace, it has to be painful hearing that your mother is lauding such a book, at least the apparent attitude of it. Try and remember it has nothing to do with you or anything you've done - she's *choosing* to espouse views like that. And yes, she may just be doing it for attention. Problem is contrary to what she may be thinking, it just shows who she is, and says nothing about you. 

[FindingGrace]

Moglow,

It is vile. The more I read about it, the more sick it makes me. It's a platform for narcissistic abusers to pat each other on the backs for their tactics and behaviors - And to tell the children they hurt to go f*ck themselves. I keep reminding myself the only thing I have control of is standing in my own truth and integrity instead of shouting to strangers and outsiders that my child can go "f*ck herself." I hope someday she finds the ability to have compassion and empathy.

[moglow]

It sounds somewhat like those estranged parents forums. I've visited several over the years and they're ... Different. Kids of who've either chosen or been backed into no or very limited contact for the most part aren't mean or vengeful, far from it. We're trying to make sense of it all, usually looking for support and suggestions on what we can do. Trying to find and hold on to compassion. The estranged parents though - it's like like they've dug down and keep on digging. There's not a lot of looking at themselves or offering compassion. The whole tone seems different to me. 

I noticed too, kids of more readily share and quote actual communications where it's allowed. The parents don't, they give a very broad interpretation, leaving others to read between the lines and usually assume the worst. I've seen more than a few who claimed they have no idea why or what happened, but vaguely reference long letters that they never bothered to read. So four-five pages they sent "this time" they didn't read, but have no explanation why their children turned away? 

[xredshoesx]

sending peace and holding space for you @FindingGrace

I agree with the comments that the book is an end run at DARVO where parents can continue to gaslight their absent children.

it certainly doesn't sound like anyone who supports it or recommends it is in the process of healing, it just sounds revengeful. 

[Liketheducks]

I'm so sorry, FG.   I'll admit, I was intrigued.   Part of my healing is recognizing and having some empathy for my parents.   I do believe they have done or are doing the best they can with what they've been dealt with.   Though, I don't believe it is healthy for me to be around my parents without ironclad boundaries.   They can't do that, so I keep my distance while being forever hopeful for something different.  All I can do is keep growing and learning myself.   My parents had a rough existence.  I'd want them to get some support, however they can.   We all deserve support through difficult times.  I also try to keep my mind open to both sides of a conflict.   

I feel your pain.   In the first couple of years that I was NC/VLC with mom, she engaged a cousin as a flying monkey.   Said cousin is a licensed counselor specializing in PTSD (for the record I do have a C-PTSD diagnosis and she knew) who absolutely came for me in DM's until I blocked her.  Hearing from a licensed professional that only had one side of the story....who felt compelled to attack me was enormously difficult.   Made me question everything for a bit.   Then I realized that even professionals are human and make mistakes.   I ran into her two years ago.   Her only child is currently NC 

A quick amazon search will get you an excerpt.  It IS vile.   The excerpt also reads like self-published drivel.  And the amazon numerous negative review comments section reads like it was written by all of us.   Though, I'm kind of chuckling that the book encourages the estranged parent to develop boundaries with their children.  Perhaps....from the authors lips to God's ears....that might be the only nugget of goodness in the book.   I'd LOVE to hear how the author explains boundaries to estranged parents.   Though I hold no hope that the author really knows what they are.

Don't give it a second thought.   Of course, someone who is accused of narcissistic abuse is going to shell out $10 for an independently published book validating how they're "right".   

[FindingGrace]

Liketheducks - SO true. Thank you. I took some solace in the negative reviews as well. A friend of mine found the author spewing her bile on tiktok too. Just....gross.

xredshoesx - I'm trying to hold space for empathy while reeling from the hurt that I'm now in the illustrious (ha) group of "f*ck them kids." Maybe I should flip the script and consider it a badge of honor?

moglow - I tried for years to explain things and it just never worked. DARVO was on full display. I always thought about writing a letter to spell it out but my therapist said that it would ultimately be a disappointment for me if the intent of the letter was to get my parent to "understand it better this time" or to take accountability. Since those were the reasons for the letter, I decided I had to accept that narcissists just aren't capable. *sigh*

[Tribe16]

I tried for years to explain things and it just never worked. DARVO was on full display. I always thought about writing a letter to spell it out but my therapist said that it would ultimately be a disappointment for me if the intent of the letter was to get my parent to "understand it better this time" or to take accountability. Since those were the reasons for the letter,

Finding Grace, just offering support and compassion - those stings can come out of nowhere just when you feel like life is settling into a more peaceful existence, and then it feels like two steps forward, three steps back. But you will move forward again and the sting will calm down.

I wrote the letter to my mom. Was also advised against it by my therapist, and basically by every social media professional I've ever watched. I thought if I was kind, truthful, spoke in "I feel, I felt when X happened" instead of "you did this, you did that" language, I could reach her. I couldn't. She never acknowledge that letter that I prayed over; that I could just get right, that I edited and re-edited for a week before sending. She was never going to be accountable for anything, and sending the letter only further estranged us (I haven't heard a peep from her for 15 months). You are right, narcissists lack the capability, that is it in it's simplest form. The loving, nurturing, truthful, authentic part of their brain is missing or broken. That's what I tell myself anyway.

The best thing about my Mom as she is now, is she is a perfect example of how not to mother. If I do the opposite, everything will work out.

[FindingGrace]

Tribe 16,

Thank you for sharing. You are helping to confirm the letter just isn't going to accomplish anything - except for giving her more supply and ammunition to twist. I'd pour my heart out and it would end up being fodder for manipulation and nothing more.

The peace we seek has to be gained on our own. And whatever lesson we can turn into a positive (like learning how not to be a parent) is one of the things we can control. Thank you for reminding me of that.

Sending you compassion as well!

[bloomie]

@FindingGrace I can imagine the ick factor of all of this for you running alongside the shocking sense of betrayal and injustice the false accusations may bring. To have a parent championing and adopting such divisive and crude, disrespectful rhetoric is such a complex reality to process.

I think, in part, it is what this reveals about the potential character defects that you have encountered in your mother's choices and attitudes that may make this particularly difficult. Figuring out what is core - unchangeable in another's nature and character versus what is possibly changeable is so important for us going forward with or without them, I believe.

I think what we all here want to do is help you to lay it down, once you have wrestled with it and processed this, we are here to walk with you as you lay it down and move into a place where you understand that explaining and writing letters to someone who does not have ears to hear and eyes to see, is doing the emotional work of the relationship for both of you and that is simply exhausting.

[FindingGrace]

bloomie,

Thank you    Time is helping the nervous system calm down. A little past trauma definitely got knocked loose when I received that information. And you are right - figuring out (and accepting!) what is unchangeable in another's character is vital. Thank you for walking with me, and with others.