My wife might have NPD. Help!

[ConfusedHusband]

I need help. For years now I have been in a whirlwind of confusion. I'm going to simply describe what I go through with my wife. She is combatitive in conversation. Speaks over me and never takes accountability. She is rarely wrong and if she apologizes, the apology is not genuine. She will deny she said or did things even when I have proof. She has put my personal needs at the end of her list. I am the first one that starts a conversation and we still have issues that have not been resolved for almost a decade. She controls EVERYTHING and EVERY decision for our family. When she claims to be okay with something it comes with strings. She won't see a doctor. Won't see a therapist. Does nothing but work. She is fine with me leaving to the point of me being homeless does not matter. Now she is asserting she is perimenapausal and I should just take the punches and accept she is not getting help for anything. I'm left feeling gaslit, hurt, lost, etc... I'm looking for genuine help with questions for clarification. I do not know what to do.

[Rebel13]

Hello ConfusedHusband, and welcome. There are many people here who share your experience of difficult relationships, and I know some of them will chime in. In the meantime, you might check out the "Chosen Relationships" section of the forum to read others' stories and suggestions, or share more of yours when you feel ready. In the Toolbox section of the site you will find articles on how to cope with difficult behaviors and situations.

I am sorry for all you have suffered and wishing you the best.

[bloomie]

ConfusedHusband - welcome to Out of the FOG. I am thankful you have found this community and appreciate you giving us some context for the relationship difficulties that bring you here.

Something that took time, but that I have found to be helpful in my own relationship with a person whose motivation and level of emotional work in the relationship where questionable at best was to find ways to determine what might be core characteristics and what areas there may be possibility for change.

I began to take note of if the issues were a matter of capacity or a measure of the level of investment and value my own partner placed on me, our family and marriage. Does your wife exhibit these same behaviors across all areas of her life and relationships or for the most part primarily in your marriage?

It is a process that takes time to begin to gather information and look at how much of the relational work I was doing in order to keep things going.

I hope you are able to come back and share how you are doing as you engage with the community here. Make good use of the resources and toolbox above. I look forward to supporting you in your journey!