Getting married while dealing with a unNPD mother.

[Eldest sister]

I'm getting married to the man who helped me realize that something better was possible. With him, I learned that I can feel safe and loved in this world. We're having a big wedding and, while we're slightly nervous, we're also very excited.

The issue is my uNPD mother.

For context, I've been NC with her for the past two years. We still see each other at family events, but we don't interact. NC protects me from her outbursts and manipulation, although my dad, grandmother, and brothers are still affected by them.

She has a strong ability to control the emotional climate of everyone around her and to become the center of attention. Her outbursts always happen in private. In public, she maintains a convincing façade of being a generous, long-suffering mother, and most people attending the wedding only know that version of her.

Yes, she is invited. I thought inviting her would be easier for everyone. My (enabling) father wouldn't have to fight with her to attend, my grandparents wouldn't feel torn, and I hoped that on the wedding day her public façade would prevail, as it usually does with others. I also thought it would leave her with less room for victimization. I didn't fully consider everything she could do in the months leading up to the wedding.

She has already started having outbursts related to it, even though the wedding is still five months away, and I'm feeling increasingly anxious.

I don't want to miss out on life because of her. I want my wedding, and I want to enjoy it. At the same time, I want to be able to be with my family without fear, tension, or emotional threats, and I don't want her to control the mood.

For those of you who've been through something similar:
how did your parent or family member behave around your wedding?
What helped you manage the situation, especially in the time leading up to the day?
Do you have any advice?

Thank you for your thoughts.

[bloomie]

Eldest sister - Most importantly... Congratulations! It sounds like you have found a gem to spend your life with!

She has already started having outbursts related to it, even though the wedding is still five months away, and I'm feeling increasingly anxious.

In reasonably solid family systems major life events, like marriages/weddings can rock the boat and test the system, but with a mother whose behaviors and worldview is disordered it can be next level I have experienced and I am terribly sad you are experiencing this as well. 

This may sound really simplistic, but for me, when my own mother refused to attend my wedding because we chose a small, intimate event at the "wrong" church instead of a larger event and I was "embarrassing her", this critical mindset had to come first...

The only thing I could control or change was me. The priority was not my mom or how or if others allowed her boycott to influence them and keep them from coming as well. Don't get me wrong, I had to fight through the hurt and confusion of her behaviors, but the priority was the sacred promises and vows I was making with the man I love and the new family we were beginning together.

In my case, I was able to turn to a stable, loving family member as support during this time and I kept my distance from the toxic behaviors and comments as best I could as I was living with my mom. 

In the end, my mom came and was sullen and angry the entire day and I was still married to the man I love and enjoyed my day in spite of her. Mission accomplished! 

Keep your joy and excitement firmly in your own pocket. Do not hand that over to a woman who is unwilling or unable to celebrate and honor this most important moment in your life.

[footprint33]

Eldest Sister, that is wonderful news that you have met a man who helped you to realize the possibilities in life! Meeting such a person can be difficult for an adult child who was raised by a narcissist. I similarly had the luck of meeting such a man and we have now been married for almost 20 years! My NPD parents both made various attempts at destroying our wedding, before the event took place and during the event itself. We did not know what NPD was back then and I was still in contact with them (NC for a long time now). However, we knew that they were up to no good.

An important moment happened for us the day before our wedding. After more of NPD parents' toxic actions leading up to our big day, we stood in a room together, looked at each other, and agreed that whatever happened at the wedding, our relationship was so much more than that and that the wedding was just one day in our lives. NPD parents did many things on our wedding day, including getting very inebriated and acting out. But we were able to Grey Rock and distance ourselves from them, enjoying our wedding quite a bit.

You are entitled to disinviting your mother. It's your wedding and she is already creating a toxic atmosphere. If you do that, she will gain some supply and can depict herself as a victim, which you can overcome by ignoring her. You could also just maintain the course and have her come to the wedding but not engage with her. If you have any trusted allies, you could warn them beforehand that you will be very busy on your wedding day and do not want to deal with your mother.

Whatever happens, congratulations again on finding your partner! This is a beautiful thing and nothing that your NPD mother can destroy.

footprint

[JustKathy]

Hi Eldest Sister, and congratulations!

I've been married twice and had two different wedding experiences.

In my first marriage, I had a large wedding and invited all family members. My NPD mother had me under the silent treatment at the time, but I couldn't invite the entire family and exclude her, so she was invited. She sat through the whole ceremony with the rest of my family, chatting up a storm with them, but would not speak to me when I came to their table. I was expecting that, so was able to shrug it off. But at one point, the wedding photographer called her over for some family photos. In all of the photos, she was standing behind me, so I couldn't see what was going on. But when the photos arrived, I was mortified. In every photo, she was either making an angry face or sticking her tongue out like a child. In one photo, she was asked to put her hand on my shoulder, but she was holding her hand just above it, purposely refusing to touch me, with a look of disgust on her face. I was mortified. All family photos were ruined. Even though that marriage ended many years ago, I still have the photos. I kept them to show other people exactly how evil an NPD mother can be.

When I got married for the second time, we just went to City Hall and did it without guests. Since it was my second marriage, I was okay with that, and there were no issues with the NPD monster.

I would say, have a wonderful day marrying the man you love, and ignore your mother. Just be aware that NPD people need to have attention, and that she may try something. Or she may just ignore you and think she's hurting you by doing that. Either way, just keep one eye open, but don't let her presence ruin your special day.

Thinking of you and hoping you and your fiancé have a wonderful wedding.

[Cascade]

When my daughter was planning her wedding, my PD husband and her father told me that he wasn't sure if he could get the day off of work. I knew this wasn't true but I said I'd talk to his boss myself if needed. Then he said he didn't want to walk her down the aisle. I told our daughter it was possible he may not walk her down the aisle because we needed to have a back up plan. He refused to go to the rehearsal. I was so relieved when he arrived at the wedding, and walked our daughter down the aisle.
I don't have any advice but try to enjoy your special day.

[Liketheducks]

So glad you found someone to spend your life with who has also shown you "better".   I found the same:).  He was the first person to stand up to my family on my behalf, even before I realized that I could. 

Don't know what advice I am for the day.  My married mother, they were separated but still, caught my bouquet and proceeded to have a 20 something groomsman bestow her with a garter.   It was quite the scene.   She did more than a few things to make the day about her.   Thankfully, I was blissfully unaware until years later.   If your mother does something similar, it is more a reflection on her than you.   I think we're groomed to cater to them so well, that it is easy to forget that.   

I have an amazing BFF.   She was my matron of honor.   We've been friends now for 30 plus years.  And, my child's Godmother.   She knows how to handle my mom.   BFF is a truly powerful woman in her own right.   Mom is always on her best behavior around my BFF.   And, BFF is just the kind of friend who will show up in those big events whenever she can.   Weddings, funerals, births....I love how we can support each other in that way.   BFF is also the scapegoat of her family.   I have shown up for her in the same way.   Cultivate those safe relationships.   They are magical.

And many many good wishes for your upcoming nuptials.   Enjoy every minute of the celebration of you two.   

[mary_poppins]

Hi Eldest sister. I'm so happy you got married (this post is old, I now see that). Congratulations!
I see you got the lottery ticket out of the chaos that is a family with personality disorders.
How is your life now? Have you gone No contact with your mother?

I wish you the best and many happy years together with your new husband.