Mothering Myself

[Orangeblossom77]

I have PTSD and an anxiety disorder, previously diagnosed with psychotic depression but not sure they think it is that anymore. Lived with depression most of my life.

I wanted to ask, do any of you find others and their comments make them worse? I am starting to think I need to avoid certain people and not share things with them.

For example I told MIL about a certain issue to do with our home and she made some unwarranted negative comments which just made things worse.

Unfortunately my mother struggles with psychosis and I can't really share things with her either. It just makes her delusions worse and she comes out with some odd things.

In my forties I am starting to realise no-one else is there to mother me but myself.

Anyway not sure if this might resonate with anyone else. I just cancelled meeting MIL today and she is ignoring me, typical passive aggressive behaviour.

I seem to have moved from a mother with issues and possibly a PD to a difficult MIL as well.

Letting it go.

[bloomie]

Orangeblossom77 - Learning who is reasonably safe and supportive, who is able and willing to hold space and be trustworthy as we share our story or certain details of our lives with them has been a big learning curve for me. If I understand you correctly, that is what you are working with right now in your own relationships and life?

And, in addition, you are recognizing the lack of a consistent and healthy mother in your life leaves a void that it is important to fill in a healthy way.

Both of these challenges together is a lot and I applaud you for taking this on as you look for insights and answers.

It has been part of maturing for me to begin to look for indicators in interactions with others that help me determine if/when/how much to share.

If I walk away from an interaction with someone and feel icky, filled with self doubt, rethinking what I said or what they said, just an overall sense of unease pretty consistently, or if someone is hot/cold, come close/go away, I have learned that person is not my person, if that makes sense? They may be in my life - eg., a mil to a degree, but they are not a confidant, empathetic, compassionate presence. And I do not share beyond the surface with them.

I can be kind and neutral when interacting. I do something I call putting on beige. Because... with my trauma background I don't handle that kind of uncertainty well. It has taken practice and paying attention to... how I am feeling, what I am seeing, what I need.

I spent waaaaayyy to many years abandoning myself in hopes of being loved and understood by people who were simply not able. or interested, or both, in giving me that. Staying with myself is so important, I have found. Maybe this resonates with you, too?

For awhile I took a pic of me as a small child and I hung it on my mirror. And I spoke love, truth, beauty, blessing over that small child that was grappling with things far beyond me. Where there was neglect and harsh, horrible words spoken over me, I replaced those with the truth about my little self. God's truth, my grown up, hard won truth!

I also went actively looking for a mentor. A woman further on in her own journey and I didn't find that person at first try, but I kept looking and in time I found her and I was careful to manage my expectations within that relationship to be balanced and not as starving to be heard, understood and believed as I once was. Because I heard, understood and believed myself first!

Keep moving forward and reaching for the life you deserve and are willing to work for. And keep coming back as you are able!

[Orangeblossom77]

I'm so sorry I didn't reply to this sooner. For some reason I must have missed it. I just wanted to reply and say think you for the kind words. It resonates so much.

[1footouttadefog]

I can relate to the idea you shared information with someone and got back a resource that made you feel worse.

It took me a really long time to realize I am in charge of how much info people ha e about me and my thoughts and feelings. 

I no longer dump too much info about myself and instead take things much slower and test to see if any given person can be trusted. 

Relationships need time, and for me they need to gradually level up.  This gives me a change to access the level that is healthy and give no more. 

With unwell people, I have to remember that they cannot handle certain things and not to burden them with them.  Or phrased differently not to have unmatched expectations that might result in me being disappointed. 

Filtering can be hard to do because sometimes things can seem normal for a period of time and we relax our caution.  Once upon a time someone on this forum asked if we could just write on their foreheads with a sharpie, so we would remember not discuss certain things and avoid risky interactions.

I learned at some point to have different friends for different purposes.  I ha e trauma friends who I can talk about certain things with we understand each other's tramas but don't necessarily relate best on other levels.

I have hobby related friends who I don't get too deep with.  I have chit chat friends, and some I only talk politics and current events with.  I also have some I don't see as often but they have my back and. I have theirs. Of the needed a place to live they could show up and visa versa.

 

[NarcKiddo]

Yes, other people can certainly make things worse. Sometimes it is not because they are a dangerous person to be around, but simply because they inadvertently trigger an emotional reaction in you that is related more to your own internal vulnerable areas rather than a current issue. My M has in the past put me into a deep place of shame with a nasty comment about my dress making me look fatter, for example. Now, M is a uNPD of the highest order and her nasty comments are to be expected, but they hit deeper than they "should" when made to a mature adult with agency who can decide how much she weighs and what clothing to wear.

Whether or not someone is malicious or uncaring in their responses to you, you are correct that only you can properly mother and comfort those parts of you that become especially hurt by the comments.

In time you come to recognise who is basically supportive of you but making a comment because we are all human and don't always thing how our comments will land (or might not even know) and who is pretty much guaranteed to be damaging. And then you act accordingly in terms of how much time you spend with them and what you choose to share with them.