MIL realization: sharing something that helped me find peace

[Peace0711]

I apologize in advance if this is long. But, I wanted to circle back to this group to share some realizations. In the hope, it may help someone else in a similar situation. This group has been so helpful and supportive to me in the past, so thank you.

My relationship with my in-laws and specifically my MIL has been really confusing to me over the years and has caused me a lot of emotional pain.

I've gone through so many different emotions and theories over the years. Does my MIL not like me? Is she malicious? Is she a covert narcissist? Is she emotionally immature?

It's all been so confusing and hard to name. I've tried hard to name it for so long to understand it, and in order to get some closure.

I've felt so many different things over the years. But mainly, I felt like I had to be inserted into conversations to be heard and to be present and exist. I would interject to be included into conversations and my husband would also step up to include me. The past few visits I've quietly sat out. I'm not rude or unkind, I just don't over function or insert myself into conversations or interactions where I'm not invited.

I've realized, over the years I've been quietly carrying the labor of our relationship. When I took a step back, there is no relationship. This past weekend, my MIL and I didn't really ever have a full conversation, unless I was the one to initiate and engage. She spent the whole weekend just having conversations with my husband like I wasn't even there. No questions about me or to me. It was like I wasn't even there. She would talk to the kids in a limited capacity. But that was that.

This weekend with my MIL, I walked away feeling lonely. It's taken me years to be able to name this. In the past I would be mad, angry and everything else. But really it just feels lonely, like I don't matter. Nothing specifically bad happened this weekend. In fact, it was better than past visits in some ways. I've realized I can't change it or carry it. And I just need to let it be what it is.

I've realized what I've been grieving is not something that happened, but something I hoped would happen. I thought becoming a DIL and a mom myself would create a deeper bond. I thought having grandchildren would naturally bring us closer. I thought we would talk about motherhood, life, our kids, and our experiences. I thought there would be warmth.

It's hard to say whether she cares about me or not, but I can say she doesn't know how to connect with me in the way I need to have a mutually beneficial relationship. I've moved on from trying to create a relationship to accepting the relationship that actually exists.

My job is to set boundaries, protect my kids, and make sure our role as parents is respected. I am not responsible for creating the bond between us or between my kids and their grandmother.

If a relationship grows, it has to be because both sides are participating and put in the effort. It can't be one sided. There is sadness in that realization. But there is also peace.

[bloomie]

Peace0711 - I am on the other side of this screen cheering for you right now!!! Such a wealth of hard won insights and wisdom in your realizations. I also 'hear', grief and disappointment that runs alongside of accepting what will never be. A relationship that is real, mutual, warm, loving, supportive, filled with humor and love. I am so sorry!!

It's hard to say whether she cares about me or not, but I can say she doesn't know how to connect with me in the way I need to have a mutually beneficial relationship. I've moved on from trying to create a relationship to accepting the relationship that actually exists.

This is what healing looks like. One step at a time. And you are not alone!

[Peace0711]

Thanks Bloomie!! Appreciate all your support and guidance. <3

[Hopeful Spine]

I've realized what I've been grieving is not something that happened, but something I hoped would happen. I thought becoming a DIL and a mom myself would create a deeper bond. I thought having grandchildren would naturally bring us closer. I thought we would talk about motherhood, life, our kids, and our experiences. I thought there would be warmth.

WOW!  I popped on here to poke around a little.  I have tons of negative thoughts about my in laws and I really just want them to be out of my head and for my heart to have peace.  Your sentences above nailed it.

My own mother was always difficult.  Perfunctory.  I had everything I needed and I was not abused, but I sure didn't feel very special in my home.  She was a very humbling mother and I made my peace with her over the years.  But for some reason I have a ton of anger and annoyance with my MIL - who is mostly a pleasant woman when I'm not nitpicking her.

I recently began to see that My anger and annoyance was with myself.  When I married I assumed this pleasant woman would be my second mother that I could count on and enjoy. I invested myself into that relationship it felt good.  When I invited her places she went.  When I called her to chat - she would chat until I hung up.  We laughed a lot.  But eventually I realized that our whole relationship was built on MY EFFORTS. 

So I tried harder.  Of course.  lol.  And then I stopped completely.

Earlier this year my husband and I picked up lunch and visited his mother.  I sat at her table for 3 hours and not once did she ask anything about my life.  Nothing.  I got a little petty and played a game with myself.  During every lull in the conversation I asked about her home, family, charity work, yard, the bird house in her back yard.  And I didn't volunteer info back.  Like when I asked about her trip I didn't follow up with, "yeah my trip was lovely too."  I was testing her to see if she'd ask me.  But she didn't care to ask.  Topic after topic - she failed to show ANY interest in me.

I finally "got it".  Just like my own mother, she doesn't have the capacity to participate in a relationship.  MIL is close to half her kids - the ones who dote over her.  The other ones she participates in their lives when they have a celebration.  She literally treats me as well as she treats her own daughter. 

At first I was expecting her to be a second mother.  Then I just wanted a nice friendship but even that was expecting way too much.  It didn't make sense until I realized (FINALLY) that it's not me - it's her.  And that's okay.

I will note that I have found happiness in friendships with older woman.  I have several nuturing relationships with other woman.  Finally I have people with wisdom who give good advice, share coffee dates and lunches.  And call and text when something is going on in my life. 

Sorry to highjack your post.  But thank you for writing it and nudging me closer to peace.  True and honest understanding and peace.