Backing into the cycle..Why?

[Deby64]

Hey guys, getting on to give update and slip back. Most of you know my story, so I will not repeat it. 7 freaking months in my own place going back and forth on my NC, the whole ordeal has been emotionally draining. I've done well with engaging in text only. Of course nothing has changed in his thinking. Lack of accountability or refusal to be responsible for any part of this separation. I'm finally accepting that he will never change. The disorder is engraved deep in his psyche. So, with that acceptance. I have now made physical contact with him the last couple of days. He's struggling financially without me, yet his EGO is too big to admit it. He's asked me for a few items when I say no, I'm not willing to purchase them. He attempts to gaslight and guilt trip me in the name of love. I enjoy spending time with him, no just for s*x, but it's a familiar comfort zone. However, I see the patterns of manipulation and get angry with myself for stepping back into the madness. My mother and brother are so worried I'll return to my old home. I'm adamant that won't happen, yes I'm comfortable with him but that spark is no longer there. Not that I hate him, but the oh I'm so in love is gone. I'm setting myself up to be used by him because I feel sorry for him. I wish I could find the courage to say, " Why are you asking me for anything, remember before I left you said you didn't need me". I guess fear of his outburst holds me back. Heck, I don't know. I do enjoy the peace of leaving after a few hours. This is insane and I'm so unclear or where I'm going or what I'm doing.

[Feathers]

Hey hi Deby64,

Forgive me for inserting myself into your post. I joined here a year or so ago, but have not posted since my initial few scribblings as I was preoccupied with spending much of 2025 extricating myself from 45 years of a deeply dysfunctional and unsatisfactory union with mr. Feathers. While I have not been actively posting, I have been quietly reading in the relevant topics trying to muster the courage to engage on the forums again. All that to say, while I may not have caught every one of your posts, I am not unfamiliar with your story and felt compelled to log in and reach out. I empathize as your situation and timeline is resonantly similar in many ways with mine currently. Your ability to express yourself here and the responses and engagement of the incredibly generous, wonderful and wise community of regular participants on these Out of the FOG forums has helped me beyond measure.

I just wanted to reach out to say I relate to what you describe as "fear of his outburst holds me back". It is very much where I am with my dealings with mr feathers. For me, the holding back is not in any way emotional, I am thankfully long past that particular mile marker, but (similar to your story) I own and am responsible for the majority of assets. Without me he owns nothing. Should be easy right? Yes, it should. But it is not that straightforward with an emotionally immature and dysregulated adult shaped child-minded individual who has morphed into a dependent rather than a life partner or spouse. Fear of abandonment sets him into an unpredictable projection cycle displaced, dysregulated emotion/rage to which I am the sole recipient. To the outside world he is mr easy-going-smilin'joe, friend and helper to all. Behind the fake mask he is a selfish,  uncaring, insincere, scowling, immature timebomb with nothing to lose. In my case anyway, I am not confused where I am and where I am going, it is more for me the patience, wisdom and centering I need to maintain to successfully be completely free. It can be a very long road, but caring for yourself is so very important. Maintaining focus on your own healing and wellbeing, allowing yourself the grace of time and the space you have created for yourself to be a place of privacy and sanctuary. We life-longers have different circumstances to consider and manage. Do I wish I could turn the clock back and leave him 40 years ago? Hell yes, all day everyday, but time cannot be turned backward, all we have is forward. We are blessed with the awakenings and epiphanies that can free us emotionally and psychologically, the practicalities can require their own time to untangle.

I am so grateful for the space here on the forums to breathe. To step back and read other folks situations and how helpful just sharing our thoughts and struggles can bring clarity and strength to our hearts and minds as we traverse our own individual journeys through the thorny path of abuses we've weathered. I am eternally grateful to the wise regulars here who keep showing up with such kindness and sage perspective. Goodness, I'm just rambling now, continued thanks to everyone for being here

[notrightinthehead]

I did that for 5 years - the coming and going. I had a work situation that forced me to spend about 6 months of the year in another country. There I lived unemcumbered by his dramas, neediness, rages, critcism... then I went back. It was fine for a few days, after that back to normal. I became increasingly distant, I used the tools from the Toolbox, medium chill, non JADE, grey rock mostly. Over the years he got more used to not having me around and me being rather useless as a supply for his narcissm. Eventually he decided to find himself another mate. And I had learned that my life is so much better without him in it.
Good luck to you!

[MaxedOut]

"I'm finally accepting that he will never change." This is huge, Deby!

From reading your great posts, there is often an undercurrent on thinking/hoping he will "get it" or understand his contribution to the relationship or thinking about what he is thinking about or change his behaviors in some lasting way. (Underlying that is probably an assumption that he wants relationships that are loving and mutual and just has trouble getting past himself. The book, The Verbally Abusive Relationship helps pull the covers off that with a framing of Reality 1 and Reality 2.)

Releasing that and accepting his "operating system" is simply what it is makes for a big step, regardless of what happens. This is a big theme in Dr. Ramani's book Should I Stay or Should I Go.

Keep working on acceptance. It was helpful for me to refresh a few times on the 100 traits, and write notes on what I saw in my ex's behavior (quick entries at the end of the day or every few days). I spent a chunk of time in the relationship working on that, so when I left it was a clean break. But that part in the relationship of working through all this still took 1.5 - 2 years. It would not have been helpful to recriminations myself for still being in the relationship, just like it's not helpful for you to beat yourself up.

The understanding and processing has to happen one way or another or we are, to some degree still stuck in the relationship—even if no contact. We don't really heal without that.

And boy howdy, the PD person is a great living lab illustrating the traits, the mindset, the abusive behaviors, and the different operating system— and giving us opportunities for growth in setting boundaries, listening to our instincts, not getting wrapped up in what others claim about us, detecting when we are activated, etc. I would say I had more personal growth in the final couple of years in the relationship than maybe any other point in my life.

You are seeing the patterns of manipulation, examining what pulls and gets stuck for you, seeing your H for who he is, building your own life, and getting good support from the rest of your family.

[Rebel13]

Oh Deby, lots of support and hugs for you today. I'm glad to hear from you and it sounds like things are going as well as can be expected, given what Feathers and MaxedOut have shared about their experiences.

I will tell you, my therapist has been encouraging (!) me to work on self-compassion, and I have, though it is hard. The urge to criticize myself for every flaw and failing is so strong! But I found a meditation that I like on the Insight Timer app. It is called the "3-Minute Self-Compassion Break" by Karena Neukirchner, and it is helping me respond to myself and my struggles with at least low-level compassion more often. Here is some of what she says, in case it helps you:

"Place your hand on your heart and ask yourself the following questions:  What if it is OK to feel this way right now? What if lots of people struggle like this sometimes? What if there is nothing wrong with me for feeling this way? What if my reaction here actually makes total sense in a way? What if I can soften my heart to myself in this moment exactly as it is? What would it feel like to acknowledge what I am already feeling right now, and love myself anyway? What if I can stop fighting with what is? What would it be like to just accept my feelings right now? What if I deserve compassion? And then just finishing this sentence: 'What if I deserve compassion because...?'"

an emotionally immature and dysregulated adult shaped child-minded individual... a selfish, uncaring, insincere, scowling, immature timebomb with nothing to lose.

Oh my gosh Feathers, these are such great, eloquent characterizations of the personality you struggle with in your ex! Your whole post in fact is wonderful in its descriptive flow. Thank you, I appreciate this!

[Deby64]

Wow Feather, I couldn't agree with you more. If it weren't for the kindness, experience, strength and hope of this group. I don't know where I'd be. It was awesome to meet another long hauler 😂MaxedOut, I have the book verbally abusive relationship. Guess this was the sign I needed to start reading it. I find myself becoming overwhelmed with the amount of reading and research I've done regarding my marriage and his disorders. Rebel, I'm always telling others to have compassion for self and when I read your post, I teared up, because I realized I needed to follow my own advice. I've read so much on the negative aspects these relationships can have on the nervous system, the mind and overall body. It's sad to say I'm feeling the effects. I work in a professional setting and I can tell how stress is affecting my quality of work. I was going to go get some medication, then figured how can that help when it's situational. Once again I'm on the mild chill level with UPDH, I'm emotionally exhausted attempting to be cordial. I find myself believing some of the negative things he says about me. Which makes me wonder if I'm going crazy as well. I had to pull back for my own sanity. I know exactly what's happening to me, I have the knowledge about cognitive dissonance, projections and so much more. The program of recovery teaches "Self Knowledge Avails You Nothing". Life application is where the healing begins. Going to see the grandbabies this weekend. My hopes is to let go of this drama and bask in their love.
Thanks for allowing me a safe space to just share my thoughts.

[Poison Ivy]

This jumped out at me, Deby: "I find myself becoming overwhelmed with the amount of reading and research I've done regarding my marriage and his disorders." When I was still married, I felt this way, too. I not only overfunctioned as a parent and a person generally; I also had to do more of the work in the relationship. It was exhausting and I got mad that I was expected to be the "fixer."