Hello from a sister seeking advice

[lucrum]

Hello, new here, but have been aware of Out of the FOG for a few years. Incredible resource, appears to have a great community here on the forum. So here it goes...

I am the younger sister of a woman who has been married for 20+ years to a man with what appears to be NPD. They have a teenage daughter, and I am extremely close to my sister and my niece. We live 2 hrs apart in a major metro area.

The advice I'm looking for within this community:
After 2 decades of turmoil, I'm at the point where I feel I cannot have a relationship with my sister if she remains married to her husband. I'm extremely distraught by "abandoning" her, but how much can I be expected to endure when the choice is hers to stay?

Background info:
His character is brash, and his shortcomings are transparent. To mention a few: he's controlling, argumentative, arrogant (with no real accolades to speak of), has to have the last word, and is always the smartest one in the room. He displays zero respect for anyone, including his own family or any authority. He's (barely) self-employed (inherited his father's business). He also struggles with alcohol addiction and heavily uses marijuana.

To give you an idea of a typical event and how it's dealt with:
Recently, my sister and I were taking a 5-day trip to the East Coast. At the final hour, our trip was cancelled. Since I live in a big city that she loves and visits frequently, she wanted to stay a few days. She had the time off work and no plans back home.

Over the next two days, he called constantly, demanding that she come home since she was no longer going on the trip. He has done this for decades. Whenever she's not with him, he calls her 10+ times a day. She always answers, refusing to ignore his calls or texts, even though she knows they're just to rant about his day or something he saw on TV. But this time, he was arguing with her that she needed to come home. No reason—just he wanted her home. (I assure you, we are going to museums or riding bikes in the park; nothing nefarious has ever happened.) After his constant calls and trying to reason with him, I told her to just go. I'd like to reinforce that this behavior is constant when she's with me, making it very difficult to enjoy time with my sister. Apparently, she has told him not to call so much, but she still picks up the phone.

I could go on with stories that span 20+ years. I think my family is partly to blame for the situation she's in. My parents said that they put up with him to avoid "losing" their child and grandchild. I think everyone's avoidance created a monster, and now my sister is in too deep. Maybe if we said something sooner? Maybe if we didn't make it so comfortable for him to behave like this?

Despite it all, my sister will not leave him, even when faced with my niece's struggling mental health. Her actions are so bizarre—how does a mother continue to pick this man over her daughter? How does a parent watch their partner abuse their child and give them a pass?

It's hard to trust my sister anymore. I feel constantly lied to as she continues to conceal, evade, and "forget" to tell us stuff. And I know this is all part of her abuse. But it doesn't make it easy.

[Rebel13]

Hi lucrum, I am so sorry you are struggling with this. It can be really hard to have a positive relationship with someone who's struggling with a controlling or abusive partner.

A key question you ask is, "how much can I be expected to endure when the choice is hers to stay?"

This is a great question, and you have the answer. It's completely up to you. However, some resources you might want to review to help with figuring out what that looks like for you, are articles in the Toolbox section. One I have found helpful is Boundaries.

This might be a place to start. It sounds to me like you do want to have a relationship with your sister. So a boundary might be, "please mute/airplane mode your phone when we are spending time together. If you answer calls/texts while you're with me, I'll end the visit and catch up with you another time." This way, you could enjoy a meal together without you feeling like your sister's attention is pulled away from you. Depending on her response, this might be able to progress to a longer visit, where she could, for example, set a time to speak with her husband rather than always answering his communications right away.

You don't mention specifically how this situation affects your niece -- is it possible for you to have a relationship with her separate from your sister? She might have very different feelings about her dad's behavior and your support could be very valuable to her.

This is a tough situation, though. There are lots of reasons people get stuck in abusive/controlling relationships, and none of them are your fault. You also don't have much control. Some of the other articles in the Toolbox might help you have insight into your sister's thoughts and emotions, if you haven't already read them. But no matter what, you get to make decisions about how to handle these relationships.

Please let us know how you are doing and if there are specific strategies or kinds of support you need. Wishing you all the best and hoping you can protect yourself and your peace of mind in this difficult situation.

[bloomie]

lucrum - welcome to Out of the FOG.  I am thankful you have officially joined the community for support and a listening ear as you process this very difficult bind you are in. My heart goes out to you as your love for your sister and niece shine through your intro post.

Many here in the community have had to quietly pull back in situations such as you describe because, ultimately, as you say, the choice to stay is hers.

What is yours to control, change, manage is how you handle what is essentially thoughtless and rude behaviors on both your sister's and your bil's part. Him calling incessantly and your sister interrupting your time together by not limiting the impact that has on you both.

Since you live two hours apart - drivable for sure if you both drive, can you meet in the middle for lunch and ask if you both can agree before hand to silence your notifications/calls for the lunch in order to have uninterrupted time to catch up?

I suggest that as a possible first step so that you can get a clear measure of how motivated your sister really is to make a small gesture that places value on your time and effort to see each other.

It could be helpful in making decisions about contact to have this data. Looking at this request, or something else that seems more appropriate for you, simply as information.

I was encouraged to do something like this with someone recently who I love dearly, but for whom I am doing most of the work and sacrifice to keep the level of relationship going. I needed to know if my own loved one was motivated to so something easily communicated and followed up on.

Navigating this is tender and there is much at stake for you. I do get that! I hope you will come back and share and join the conversations as you are able and send you much wisdom as you go forward!